My daughters friend is sufffering,she is 12 and living on locke down

United States
April 20, 2007 11:01am CST
My neighbor has a 25 year old daughter. She has 5 kids oldest is 7,youngest is 4 months. 3 baby daddy's. She lives in a shelter in Miami. Her other daughter is 12. A very smart girl. She is in all advance classes. She got 2 b's on her report card. And the rest a's. He mother passed the report card back to her with disgust. She can not go outside. She has to stay in the house once home from school She can't use the phone. I felt bad this morning. Because the girl was speaking to me about her feeling like she is in prison. etc. The mother came home and would not speak to her. This morning I asked for the girl if she could go to the school dance. I was told she knows she can't go. I was calling her and got a busy signal for 45 minutes. The mother calls her every hour. To be sure she is in the house. I can't speak to her about the daughter, as I feel it is not my place. But I know the mother is wrong to throw her first daughters bad choices on the second daughter. She has no idea how stressed her daughter is. I feel terrible when a child Is afraid to ask to a question. Are parents really helping when they do kids this way?
5 people like this
14 responses
@Blazing15 (333)
• United States
20 Apr 07
That is a sad situation and I feel for the 12 year old girl and the other children because if she is doing this to this child she is probably going to do this with all of them. Good for her on her report card she did excellent. I wonder if her mom feels resentment because the daughter is maybe doing better than she did in school. I don't know because I don't know the family. I'm glad that you talk to the girl. I understand where you are coming from with the not be able to speak to the mom that would be really hard in this situation but come on this lady needs to cut her daughter some slack. Can't leave the house, go to school dances, mom calls every hour. She needs to sit down and have a talk with her mom but you never know how those are going to go. If the mom will actually listen or if it will just make her even madder. Keep trying to be there for the girl sounds like she needs someone to love her and talk to.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Apr 07
She would get a bad beating. The 7 year old showed me and my daughter her back. I won't go any further on this one. I just know there should be a way to contact the child's school. I just can't do it living right across the street. They would know it was me.
@Foxxee (3654)
• United States
20 Apr 07
Okay, of you know that these kids are actually getting beat, then it's your job to report it. If you know about an abuse and don't report it and it later got out, you could get in serious trouble by the law. So if you are 100% sure, then you need to be marching to the police station, calling DHS and going to the school and reporting this. Don't just sit around and have this hanging over your head. You are not helping anyone by not reporting the abuse. You would be helping those girls out more if you report the abuse.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Apr 07
Now if I were to be able to know others knew of it. Then I could just have someone out of state call the school. But,in no way would I tell while the child has asked me not to. I know first hadn of abuse and trust. You need trust to be able to tell another what is going on. The child was fine for 2 days. We were together and the mood was better. The kids still had fear on the mind. But when she was able to enjoy her day better. That was what counts. I will do what ever I can to keep my word to her. Now if it were to be more public. Then of course I would be able to tell someone. The worst thing that could happen is if it back fired. My ex boyfriend banged his daughters head in my concrete wall. I was horrified. called the cops on my boyfriend. The police and social services gave the kids to their 18 year old sister. Then she turned right around and gave them to the father. He moved 45 minutes from me. When the kids saw me again they could not even turn their heads my way. Never could I do this again. She was 5 and very fragile.
@Foxxee (3654)
• United States
20 Apr 07
Do you know the full situation with this girl and her mother? Maybe something else happened between them because I don't understand why a parent would punish their child for making a B. So I'm thinking something else happened with them. Maybe they had a fight about something else and you just don't know about it. I mean the story doesn't add up. So if the girl did something wrong, then I don't see anything wrong with her being punished/grounded for a few days or a week, depending on what she did. And if not letting her use the phone is one of the punishments, then what is wrong with that? And as for the mom calling every hour, well that is a good thing. SHe is making sure her daughter is staying in the house and not breaking the rules. Now if this is over the girl getting a B, then I think that is not right and maybe that is a little to pushy, but if the girl did something else and the mother feels it's right to ground her for a while, then that is the mothers choice. Another thing is, kids seem to leave out a lot of details, so I'm sure when the girl told you about her problems, she left out something because why would she get grounded for making a B? The grade B is a good grade.
• United States
20 Apr 07
I must have written this wrong. The girl is not being held in the house because of the B. This is something she has been doing for years. It has nothing to do with the girls grades. I added this to show how the mother reacted to the grades. I could not believe my ears I was sitting right there. The mother has also spoken to me about the girls not being allowed out doors. It has nothing to do with the grades. The girl has no chance to do anything wrong. She has to be home 15 minutes after school. This is stemmed from other peoples wrong doings. The girl is question has no reason to lie. The mother is someone speak to myself. She has just a harsh way of dealing with her own issues. The child needs help. I just don't know where she can get it from.
1 person likes this
@emarie (5455)
• United States
21 Apr 07
SIMPLE...you think the child is being mentally or physically abused, just CALL SOCIAL SERVICES...right now you're just saying you don't know how to get involved and how the daughter doesn't want help..you're an adult...so if you feel someone isn't taking care of their child correctly that violates the law, then report it and they'll do an investigation on it. if they see that they child needs help...or even the mother, they'll take care of it.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Apr 07
I am sorry this borders on abuse. One of the indications of abuse is the cutting off of social or family contact. This mother needs counseling to help her learn to deal with her emotional responses to her elder daughter's actions, and to learn to temper her attitude toward her remaining children. She needs to learn that each child is an individual and that she is not responsible for the actions of her adult daughter and nor are her other children. I think perhaps I'd be seeking professional advice in this matter as to what actions you could take to aid this family. There is help available for them all, if they will accept it.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Apr 07
She doesn't want help,she feels her daughter needs this. I feel so bad for the poor girl when she gets her mary. She will really be on lock down. I will hope she went to the dance today.
1 person likes this
@Munira (484)
• United States
20 Apr 07
I couldn't agree with you more.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39931)
• Canada
21 Apr 07
no she is not helping and will probably succeed in getting her daughter to hate her. She should be supporting her daughter for having such a nice report card, not punishing her for not being perfect. If she truly wanted to help the child she should trust that she is not like her big sister, not treat her like she is a dirty sneak.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Apr 07
This is how I feel it must be. My daughter and her daughter are friends. My daughter is being restricted from being around her only during school mornings and going home. I try to tell my daughter to call her and talk with her. But the girl can't be on the phone either. So being that my daughter felt that she had it bad. Having to be in bed by nine. Having to be in the house by dark. she now see that I am not such a meany after all. She feels like crying when her friend goes home.
• United States
21 Apr 07
That is very sad. I hate to hear how people treat there kids. That child should be able to do kid things and have fun. Those grades are great. I never even got close to those. My parents said as long as you are trying your best then I don't care what your grades are. I got mostly b's and c's in school and never got yelled at. Her mother needs to take a chill pill and come off it. There is no need for her mother to call her every hour. Her mother is in a homeless shelter so she doesn't need to talk to her daughter about grades or anything else. She isn't a very good mother from what it sounds like. The mother is very wrong for treating her this way. No parents aren't helping at all when they do this to their kids. Let's see how the mother would like it if someone treated her that way.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Apr 07
This is very well said. I know how hard it is for the poor girl. I also know she has been cleaning her room and everything just to see if she can go outside. She thought it was the room or the dishes etc. She now knows those were just excuses. Thanks so much for the understanding.
@maryannemax (12174)
• Sweden
20 Apr 07
it's very difficult if kids can't open up with their parents. parents supposed to be are kids' bestfriends. we want our parents to be the first persons to know our joys and pains. but there are kids who are scared and afraid to open up since their parents aren't up to it. later or soon in life, effects on this on their kids will come out. and their kids will suffer the consequences the most. i am glad that i have a mum i can share everything with. and so, i am lucky to have a mom i can consider as my bestfriend.
• United States
22 Apr 07
I can talk to my mother about anything. I can tell you my mother knows when and who I had relations with. This is only due to my mother teaching us how to trust her. Not being able to even ask your mother simple questions is terrible. Thanks and great luck to you.
@Munira (484)
• United States
20 Apr 07
The mother may be preventing her daughter from experiencing some things at the moment; but, it is more than likely that when her daughter gets a bit of freedom, she will run wild for a bit.
• United States
20 Apr 07
Now this is what I think will happen. I think if she is not taught to learn about life from her mother. She will cling to the first outside person. This could be the very thing her mother feared most.
2 people like this
@charms88 (7546)
• Philippines
20 Apr 07
The mother is certainly not qualified to be a mother. She is not doing her role well. I can't believe she will caged up her daughter just because of her grades. Is there anybody who can talk with the mother? I'm afraid this can cause an emotional disturbance in the girl. A child shouldn't be punish like that. Its like stripping their rights to live and to enjoy life fully. :/
• United States
20 Apr 07
No you don't have it right. She is not being caged for her report card. She can't come out side period. Even before the report card. The report card was to show you how the mother reacted to it. This girl says she has been going through this for years. She has said to me how she was told. About her sister being able to play out side when she was younger. She is just in her own prison. She can't go out side,talk on the phone,open the door if the bell rings. She feels like her mother has cameras in the house. She is paranoid to the point she can't hear a car locking she thinks it's her mother coming.
1 person likes this
@emarie (5455)
• United States
20 Apr 07
OMFG!!! as a parent and as someone who never really got grades like that...its a little harsh. some parents will push their child too hard and if she keeps it up her daughter will self distruct one day. she isn't even a teenager yet, it could possibly happen then. i understand her pushing her daughter harder because of her grown daughter not having the best life, but she's just a child. i would be extreamlly proud of my child had A's and B's at 12 nonetheless. i would only ground her if she had D's & F's...then you know something is wrong. but she has to look at the whole picture of her daughters life. if you decide to talk to your neighbor ask her if she thinks her daughter is a bad or stupid child? does she think she won't make correct decisions and end up like her sister? she needs to look at her daughter in a whole. all work and no play is never good for a child. you need to have them well rounded for them to make something of themselves....damn has she ever watched the disney channel??? i don't know how many times they address that subject. and finally ask her...does she want her daughter to hate her? because if she keeps up this type of parenting, she will...i have no doubt that she will hate her mother for how she was treated.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Apr 07
Well the cable was cut off so the daughter don't watch tv. I know the real reason behind this though. The mother is not in the state of mind for this. She sounds hard all the time. I just want the girl to be able to stop crying.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Apr 07
Making the child work harder to bring up her grades is one thing, keeping them from enjoying life is another. You can restrict privileges, but taking everything away isn't going to resolve the problem. Does this parent even sit with the kids to see what they are doing for homework or asking if they can help? Not a good situation. Hopefully this women will wake up before the child totally resents her.
• United States
20 Apr 07
The girl clearly needs to speak to a counselor. I have to just pray she gets help soon. She sounds so sad,and says she wish my daughter could change places with her.
1 person likes this
@tinamwhite (3255)
• United States
20 Apr 07
I think that the mother is just afraid...I do not agree with the way she is treating her 12 yr. old daughter...And I am sure that she is not thinking about the potential damage she is doing to her. The fact of the matter is, that if she does not stop treating her 12 yr. old this way...she will rebel and who knows what she might do. That poor girl appears to be a good child and is trying to do what she is supposed to do. The mother is psycholgically abusing her daughter at this point....she can not possibly encourage her daughter to get better grades in the manner she is going about it. And like you, do not feel that this is the underlying problem. As for your part in this situation....I am sorry but this is a touchy thing...as a mother, we are very defensive about the way we raise our children....so talking to her unless you are extremely close; could be a very damaging discussion. She could take it out on her daughter because you know too much about the situation. Or she could forbid her daughter to talk to you....causing the daughter even more stress and taking the person she has to talk to away. You are there and know whether she would be accepting of a conversation of this type. I do not envy your position in this as I would want to help as well. I wish the best of luck with this and am sorry that I could not give any better advice.
• United States
20 Apr 07
Your right on with your view. I could really cause this girl trouble. She lived in that building for 7 years. She speaks to no one but me. Now I get to know all this. She has even stopped my daughter from going over the house. They pick up my daughter for school and church. The only outing the girl has is school and church. She is so worried that summer is coming and being locked in. She truly is a good child. She is very trust worth as well. Now I can't say anything or this could blow up on her. She even described her beatings to me.
1 person likes this
@Foxxee (3654)
• United States
20 Apr 07
As a parent you need to report the beatings. How can you know this is going on and just sit there and do nothing?
2 people like this
• United States
21 Apr 07
I was unaware of the physical abuse that the mother is inflicting upon the daughter.......YOU HAVE TO REPORT THIS! Physical abuse cannot be tolerated. Be strong, my friend, you know what you have to do. This is a touchy situation, but at this point, YOU could possibly save this young girls life.
1 person likes this
@liranlgo (5743)
• Israel
21 Apr 07
This is a very complicated situation. Every parent thinks that they are doing the best thing for their children, and there is not really a way to know what is best and how this would influance them in the future. Yes. What you wrote here does not seem like a good way, but there is no real why of knowing the whole story. I really think that we should not get involved in mother's decisions. I do know that if i read right, she is not abusing her, but just trying to give her a strict eduacation which she thinks will be the best for her. So i guess the proper why if you want to help this girl, is go to the school teacher, and speak to her without anyone knowing, about the situation of this girl, and see if she can speak with the mother, i do not think that the mother would listen to you.
@student7 (1002)
• United States
21 Apr 07
I was in a similar situation. Whenever I brought home a c on my report card, I was grounded until my grades went up, that was usually next report card. I think you should call child welfare services and get some advice from them. I would say try to talk to the mother, but she would probably say to stay out of her business. Try talk ing to the school administration and see if they have any suggestions. Let me tell you that that little girl is terribly miserable. You should try to help as soon as you can.
1 person likes this
@mrbranan (1012)
• United States
21 Apr 07
I think that is rediculouse. I want my kids to do thier best even if thier best is B's I can live with it. I feel for the poor girl. Maybe if she had been more strickt with the first one she wouldn't be in the possition she is in now.
1 person likes this