Controlling Husband, Yes or No? Why?
April 24, 2007 8:32am CST
Okay I really need to talk about this and get this off my chest. My husband and I have been together for 4 years. Since we got together things have been great but then we have had many fights about him being controlling. He says he is not and that I am taking it the wrong way. Or he will say that I am turning things around. Here are some of the things that go on in our everyday life that I feel are him being controlling: 1. I can't make any plans to do anything or go anywhere with out talking to him first. But here is the catch. If he says no then I can't do it. Basiclly I have to have his permission. There have been a few times that I have gone against his wishes and that is normally when we get into a hugh fight over it. Him starting the fight. Am I wrong or is this being controlling? 2. Money! Oh this one really gets me. I had my own account when we first got together and he convinced me to just have my money be put in his account with the intention of having my name added. Well that was four years ago and my name is still not on the account. I don't even have a debit card. He has the only one and I have to ask for money when I need it. Then of course I am questioned as to why I need it and if he doesn't see a good enough reason as to why I need the money then I don't get the money. It has gotten to the point that anytime I do make money on the side I have to hide it from him. Most of the time he never knows I have money, but if I leave it in my purse he will remove it. I have tried talking to him about adding me to the account but every time he comes up with another excuse as to why we can't go to the bank that day to do it. He doesn't even know I do mylot to make money and I can't tell him or he will expect me to give him the money. Now his last marriage ended in divorce and bankruptcy because of his exwife, so some of this might stem from that and him having trust issues. But I don't think it does! To me it is just another way of controlling me. 3. Last but not least. Family! In the past my parents had to help me out finacially due to an unforseen situation (this was before I met my husband). Well up until I met my husband I always found away to give them a little bit of money when I could to pay them back. When my husband and I got together everything was okay with that until I decided to be a stay at home mom (which was partly his idea)then he said it was not his resposiblity to pay them back so instead I have started to do things for my parents instead (like feeding thier cats when they go on vacation). My husband doesn't like this arrangement because its too far to drive. They live about a 40 min drive away and with the high gas prices its alot of gas, but heres the catch if it was the other way around. Him doing something for his parents (which has happened once or twice) then there is nothing wrong with it. His parents only live 5 min away from my parents. His reasoning is because his parents are so much older than mine. Well there you have it. Now don't get me wrong. I am happy and I love my husband dearly. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He is no physically abusive and he has never cheated on me. I just wish he could see what he is doing is controlling. Because he doesn't see it that way. It just really gets me because with talking to my mother last night she informed me that she has bitten her tongue many times with him and some of the things he does, but she says one of these days she is not going to and she is going to tell him what she thinks. I am hoping this doesn't happen because I am afraid he might make me choose between him and my mother (who is my best friend). So what do you think? I am really interested to hear from the men/husbands out there. Is he being controlling or am I just over reacting?
24 Apr 07
This is definately controlling. Women are equal to men in year 2007 and there is no reason why you should not be able to go anywhere without his permission. He also has no right to have you come and ask him for money when u are a family. I have been in a relation that started like this. I had no control at all. It is only now, after getting out and meeting a guy that treats me as an equal that I see how bad it really was. I was more or less trapped in his grip and that is not a nice feeling. You are an adult, and you should be treated like one - married or not!
• United States
24 Apr 07
Hi speedy I think your right he is controlling. Its not fair to you not to have any money for yourself. And you shouldnt have to sneak it. I think you need to talk to him and tell him he is controlling you. And that you dont want that. No one else can help you but only you. You have to stand up for yourself. I dont think you over reacting. You have to nip this in the bud now. I hope you find a solution to your problem.
• United States
24 Apr 07
I have tried talking to him about the controll issues, he just doesn't see it that way. We are not fighting at the present moment and I try to avoid fighting. I don't like to fight. So I think the next time it comes up I will bring up counselling and hope he agrees to it. Thank you for your support!