the right thing

Philippines
May 3, 2007 10:40pm CST
my cousin got pregnant and the guy agreed to marry her but she refused and told the guy that her pregnancy is not a reason for her to marry him.do you think she made the right choice?how about the baby?wouldn't he be miserable to have no dad?
10 people like this
34 responses
• United States
4 May 07
I think your cousin is probably right to NOT marry him. If marriage was not an option before the baby was started then it shouldn't be now. That kind of forced marriage has very little chance of surviving, and has all sorts of 'excuses' for abuse type things to happen. Not have a father?? Why shouldn't the child know and have a relationship with the father? The father should also contribute to the support of this child.
2 people like this
• Canada
4 May 07
I believe she made the right choice for herself . She is right that no one should marry just for the sake of a baby . The baby can still have a dad as this won't change the fact that now she is pregnant and he is the dad , weather he accepts his responsibility will determine if he will be the dad or not , not weather or not they get married . It would be better for two people to marry for love then to marry for the sake of a child and then split years later because they are both miserable and therefore would make the life of their child miserable by having to endure a relationship that was not meant to be and then force the child to go through a divorce with his / her parents .
2 people like this
@mystery5 (351)
• India
4 May 07
Your question is quite vague. If this child was concieved out of love, then she has probably made a mistake. But if it was just lust and they kind of 'lost-control' and had a baby, it is the right choice. He might have intended to marry her somewhere down the line, and marriage might have just hastened that decision. I hope she tried talking to him face to face and tried finding out whether he really loves her, or is marrying her out of guilt. About the child - you never know. She might marry someone else, and he just MIGHT have a dad to call his own. It really depends on how she brings up the baby, but without a dad, school might become a little uncomfortable when he/ she sees other children with dads.
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
4 May 07
Same thing happened to my sister, she did not marry the father of her child because she herself is not ready to enter into a mrried life, the baby is not miserable because the dad is still around supporting them both. It has been 5 years and still they live together with no marriage and they still fight like cats and dogs. So to your cousin, if marriage is not for her then all you can do is be there for her and understand her reasons.
@Whisp1976 (488)
• United States
4 May 07
It may be the right choice for her, if she is not in love with the baby's father than she is not obliged to spend the rest of her life with him just because she is having his child. She does not have to marry the father in oder for her child to have a relationship with his/her dad. If she marries the father just for the sake of the child then she will make both herself and the father miserable, and the child will grow up thinking that this is normal.
@nelly5 (1425)
• United States
4 May 07
Yes, I believe she made the right choice. No one should get married for the sake of a child. When people are not happily married the child/children are going to notice it...and if there isn't happiness, there is a messy home life. Just because your cousin decided not to marry the man, that does not mean that the baby can't have a daddy. If the man wants to be a daddy, he will need to step up to the plate and be a real man and attempt to be a father. She is going to be a mother, regardless, and she isn't with the father, so why couldn't the dad be a father? I hope he does step up to that plate and take on his responsibility.
1 person likes this
@mehale (2200)
• United States
4 May 07
In theory, getting married would be the RIGHT thing, but in reality...If they do not really love each other, and if that is the only reason for the marriage, it could lead to resentment on both sides and that is not good for a baby either. If they really do love each other, and are getting married for the right reasons - not just because she is pregnant - the marriage would have a chance. However, if they are getting married for the wrong reasons - her pregnancy and no other reason - it could easily lead to disaster. That would be a very hard call to make, though.
1 person likes this
@steney (1418)
• Philippines
8 May 07
I've been there and I've done that. If your cousin is not yet ready to get married and feels that it's not right, then I think she made the right choice. Marriage should not be brought about by pregnancy or any other reason, because it should only take place between two people who love each other and are both ready to face and spend their life together. Don't worry about the child because if the father wants to support and be with him even in the absence of matrimony, he can do so anytime. There are a lot of children nowadays who live with their single mothers and they are turning out okay. The father image can always be filled by a grandfather or an uncle in the family if the father cannot be there for his child. Just give your all put support to your cousin and pray that she goes through with this situation well.
@CopyPaper (229)
• Philippines
4 May 07
I agree that it's the right thing. It's really not the reason why would a couple would be married because of the child. If the woman itself have the courage to face the problem, then why not? I would do the same thing if that would happened to me.
• United States
4 May 07
I got pregnant during my senior year of high school in 2001. My boyfriend and I hand only been together about 6 months. Of course, he "did the right thing" and proposed. We began planning a small wedding and I started looking for a dress. I would have been 6 months pregnant when we were to be married. We moved in together, but for some reason I kept putting off the wedding. I know now that being pregnant is not a reason to have a shotgun wedding. When my daughter was 3 weeks old, he kicked us out. I spent the next year of her life begging and even forcing him to see her. I worked 60 hours a week and was her only parent. At one point, we attempted to reconcile and he proposed again. Not very long after that, the abuse began. He beat me and threatened me. He and his mother told me that if they had their way, she'd never even knew I existed. When she was 18 months old and "fun" he took me to court for custody. It has been a horrible 5 years... I think that if your cousin is prepared to raise this baby, than your family should support her emotionally. It is hard enough with two parents. Also, if the baby's father truly loves her, then he will stay by her and they will raise the baby together. Down the road, he may still ask her to marry him, and they will have proven to themselves that they are in love and getting married for the right reasons. Likewise, if he isn't in love with her, he can still be active in the baby's life and they can co-parent. Married life and raising children are difficult enough when you are madly in love and committed, no one should be forced into either. The child will be much worse off living in a house with married parents who don't get along than s/he ever would being raised by the people/person who loves them. This includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even mom's true friends. Hope everything turns out okay for her!
@cher913 (25890)
• Canada
4 May 07
i think it is pretty tough to be a single parent (i was one for a year when my hubby and i split up) and my kids are older and it was hard...i couldnt imagine being a single parent with a little baby!! Hope she knows what she is getting into!
@mflower2053 (3227)
• United States
4 May 07
Did he run off after she said no? Thats not really a reason to get married alot of people do that and end up getting a divorce. The baby can still have a father without them being married.
• United States
4 May 07
I'm guessing your cousin doesn't live in Brazil, or maybe it was Paraguay. Anyways, there was some country in South America that the Vatican wanted to excommunicate. Why did they want to excommunicate it, I wish you would ask me? Well, apparently this country's government would educate young couples planning to get married about things like financial planning, home economics, and family planning. That family planning thing got the organized church's last straw, as they don't like it when people choose when to use their uteri. Anyways, that's probably a bit of a stretch, but from the generalized story you've submitted, this guy sounds like he's trying to be responsible, since statistics still hold strong that a two-parent family is the best environment for raising a child. Balancing a child and a job does not sound like a fun thing to me, especially when businesses refuse to hire people on the basis of the question, "You're not gonna have babies, are you?" Hooray for entreprenuers, which our government loves so much. So while I can't answer for the role model aspect of this child, given what little information I have on the situation in addition to my lacking any semblance of professional validity to even respond, I'd say the same thing that holds true for any situation: More helping hands help more. We're human beings. We're smart enough to use tools and make fire and stuff. We should be able to cooperate, not compete. Keep in mind what I said about my lack of qualifications, however.
• China
4 May 07
i think she is right though something bad happened.i am so strongly to admire her idea of true love!
@KissThis (3006)
• United States
4 May 07
I think that she made a very mature decission. Just because she doesn't marry the father doesn't mean that he can't also be in his childs life. I would rather see two people raise a child seperately then to see them get married now just to divorce later. You should only marry someone that you love and are commit to. Just because they made a child together doesn't mean they have to marry one another to raise the child as a team.
• Canada
4 May 07
I think she made the right choice for herself. Marrying just because she is pregnant isn't always the right thing to do. It used to be because people were worried about having a child out of wedlock, but not anymore. The child will still have a father. Just because his parents aren't married doesn't mean that they're not "proper parents" or that they can't bring up this child in a loving manner. Whether this man steps up to his responsibilities as a father is another matter, although if he agreed to marry her, I don't really see an issue with this. I wish your cousin all the best on her pregnancy and the birth of her child.
• United States
4 May 07
wouldnt this child be worse of with two parents who did not love each other than with one who loved him enough to know this ?she definatly made the right desision even though it is not going to be e asy for her being a single mother it is being done by thousands of women !
@II2aTee (2560)
• United States
4 May 07
I agree with the majority, she did the right thing. Gone are the days when a child "needs" two parents. And just because they are not married dosent mean the kid wont have a dad. If hes a real man he will be there for the child, regardless of what some peice of paper says. I commend her for her bravery!!
@stella1989 (2274)
• India
4 May 07
Well according to me getting married to someone just becasue you are pregnant is not a good option..! What is the proof that he will be a good father to her child,or a good husband or Is he even a good person in personel life?? She must find her a good man to lead her life with as she cannot ruin her entire life just because she got pregnant..!!
@jcgbrains (139)
• United States
4 May 07
A child is not enough to keep a marriage together. The idea that people who have children should get married is a traditional idea that started when at best women who had children out of wedlock where thought of as S**ts, this was at best. Given the fact that single parenthood is more excepted in the United States then it used to be, at least in most communities, it is not socially as important. In general unless the relationship includes other things likely to help make the marriage work. she made the right choice.