Living together or not before you take the plunge

@tep91005 (375)
United States
May 11, 2007 1:37pm CST
I Guess you could say I'm newly married. We dated for 4 years before we got married and we've been married for almost 2 years. It feels like so much longer. My Husband and lived together 3 years before we got married. What does everyone feel about that? my parents didn't care but his did. It seems to be a touchy subject. Alot of people are against it. But for me it helped us understand each other. A new marriage is stressful enough why should you hurt it more by moving arangments. That's how I feel anyway.
2 people like this
12 responses
• United States
12 May 07
I don't see what the big deal is with people being so frustrated over couples that live together before marriage. I'm also not sure what the deal is with people being angry over couples that live together and never get married. Marriage isn't for everyone and I think the stress of moving in together after a marriage just helps make the whole newlywed situation worse for a lot of people. People need to understand what is right for some won't be right for all.
1 person likes this
@shannon76 (1234)
• United States
12 May 07
My husband and I did not live together before marriage. We are both Christians and the bible takes a very stronge stance on that. Before I go on I do want to point out that I have had previous relationships where I had lived with guys and we were not married but that was all before I became a Christian and obviously those relationships did not work out for me. They say that the divorce rate is very high for couples that have lived together before marriage. They say that it is because basically when you live withsomeone before marriage, you basically have the option of leaving whenever you want. Well when you do decide to get married after living together, most are still in the mindset of "I can still leave when I want" instead of taking the marriage vows seriously. Now before any of you jump all over my case, this is just what they say and this is just my opinion so to each his own. I don't judge anyone - that's not my job! =)
• United States
12 May 07
I agree with you Shannon. I also believe it is wrong to live with a man or woman without taking the vow before God to become husband and wife. I also agree that living together without being married does make it easier to just get up and leave. And lastly, I don't think that just by living with someone and not being married that you can get to know all there is to know about that person. You can get to know them just as well by dating them. Lets say you live with a man or woman for 5 years and you think you know that person and have seen all there is to see, so you think. You get married and boom, something you do or say unexpectedly sets them off and there is a side that you never saw when you lived with that person. So just by living with someone doesn't guarantee knowing them inside and out before committing to them for all eternity. Hope this made sense and hope no one gets mad. This is just how I fee and if our daughters ever came to us and said they are going to live with their boyfriend, we would definitely have something to say about that and it wouldn't be pretty.
@legbamel (179)
• United States
13 May 07
That's something that I don't understand. So many people seem to feel that you will behave differently when you're married, and that living together doesn't mean anything until you have. Personally, not one blessed thing changed in my relationship over the past 9 months except that I had to do a whole pile of paperwork to change my name. Why would getting married to someone with whom you've been living, possibly for years, mean that their behavior or your relationship will change? This is a question that has always confused me - how could living with someone for three or five or eight years *not* allow you to know them completely? Why would someone bother to put up a front of decency for so long only to turn into a completely different essentially overnight? I respect your opinions, whether I agree with them or not. I don't intend to try dissuading anyone from their beliefs. I was just hoping someone would have some insight for me.
@legbamel (179)
• United States
11 May 07
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for less than one. We've lived together almost the whole time. Heck, we even had the kids first! We got married because it was expected of us, but obviously it was not our first priority. With the divorce rate as high as it is, I don't see anything wrong with waiting to get married until you've lived together for a year or two (or more). Unless there are children involved, creating that much paperwork because you don't want to "live in sin" is a waste.
• United States
11 May 07
Wow.. It's kinda like my life. I live with my fiance now for 2 years and were on our second child. We arn't getting married til November.
@shyviolet (126)
• United States
14 May 07
my husband and I lived together for almost 4 years before we got married. Neither of our families cared, which is good, but I suppose it wouldn't have really made a difference if they had. I think it's a great thing. It helps you figure out whether you'd really be able to live with them the rest of your life. Sometimes living with someone can be a nasty shock and when that person is your new spouse and you can't stand living with them, I'm sure it could cause some serious issues. I think it is definitely helpful to live together beforehand.
@kaka135 (14130)
• Malaysia
14 May 07
I have stayed with my husband for around 3 years before we got married last year. Well, both our parents are ok with this. The main reason we stayed together was because both of us stayed in another city away from our home, it's easier for us to rent an apartment and stay together. By staying together, we really got to know each other better. A couple can be in love, but it doesn't mean they can live together, as living styles might be different. This is where we can learn and know well whether both parties can stay together forever.
@carlaabt (3505)
• United States
14 May 07
My husband and I didn't live together before we got married. We only dated a total of nine months before we got married. We were engaged after just 4 months. We knew early on that we were meant to be together. We didn't see any reason to just live together, instead of going ahead and getting married. Plus it wouldn't have been all that practical to just live together anyway, because it would have been a lot more work than just getting married. My husband is in the military so we would have had to deal with trying to get him out of the dorms, we would have had to pay for my stuff to be moved the 1100 miles from home to where he's stationed, it would have been harder for me to get a job, and I would have had to check in at the gate and get the car searched more often. Getting married meant he automatically got to move out of the dorms, I got put on his insurance, and issued a military dependent ID so I could come and go as I pleased from base. We live on base, and when I worked, it was always on base, so that was easier, too. Even if it would have been harder for us when we got married, I think we still would have done it then. It's just what we felt was right. I'm not judging anyone that lives together first, though. My only sister that is already married lived with her husband for 4 years first. And one of my other sisters is living with her boyfriend right now. My parents don't like it now, and didn't with my other sister, but oh well, life goes on. They get over it.
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
12 May 07
After moving in together , many couples are surprised by how much deeper their bond becomes. "Seeing each other daily gives rise to vulnerability, revelations, closeness and sharing - all those lovely aspects of romance we long for." Couples often reach a new level of commitment that brings greater happiness to their relationship.
• Canada
12 May 07
My partner and I have been together three years. We're finally getting married next year, but we've lived together, along with my kids for almost all of that time. For us, the arrangement worked out great, because my partner and my kids were able to get used to being around each other and we were able to discover the little habits we both have that the other hates lol. I would hate to get married, only to then move in together and discover that the kids and the partner just cannot live together. That would kill me. I think these days though, a lot more couples are going the route of living together and THEN getting married. I don't see a problem with it and neither do many others. But, there are some people out there who are still "old school" and think it's wrong to be living in sin as they say. I say do whats right for the both of you and the both of you only. Heck, the parents disapproval can only last so long. You have to share the rest of your life with that partner.
@cutepenguin (6457)
• Canada
12 May 07
We lived together for about a year before we got married. His parents were against it, my parents lived together before they got married and so were not concerned. It's hard to tell whether or not it improved our relationship, as I can't go back and do it a different way so as to compare. But I believe it was the right thing for us to do.
@nigtvamp (102)
• United States
12 May 07
Definately live together first. I moved n with my ex after we had our child and I am so glad we did that first instead of getting married, or else I would be divorced right now.
@k1tten (2321)
• United States
12 May 07
I feel that if you can live together for so many years then maybe you're ready for the next step. In your case 3 years isn't actually a lot. I think I heard somewhere that a couple got married finally after about 50 or so years or something of that amount. They married with all of their children and grandchildren in attendence. I fully support living together before marriage.
@nicolecab (923)
• United States
11 May 07
i agree with you!! i lived with my husband for about a year before we got married. I am glad we did. I got to know a side of him i did not know before that. I think because we lived together before we were really sure that we wanted to get married and we already had a really strong bond before we took the plunge. i dont think you can have a bond that strong otherwise because you still dont really know what you are getting into.