It dawned on me

@soccermom (3200)
United States
May 14, 2007 6:58am CST
Well, we made it through another mothers day. I didn't see my mom at all, I called her and she was in a bad mood. No big surprise, I love her, but she always has something wrong with her, and over the years has never been "mom like" at all. I spent mothers day with my MIL. While we were out shopping for gifts I turned to my hubby and he said "uh oh, I just saw the light go on." And indeed it had. It dawned on me that for all the griping I do about my MIL, she is more like a mom to me than my own. While I purchased a $20 bath set for my mom I was buying a $60 watch for my MIL, and this has turned into the norm. Lastyear we even paid asmall fortune to get a personalzed birthstone "grandmothers" necklace for her. I do nice things for my mom, but not like I do for my MIL. But my MIL also comes over and spends half her day helping to weed my flower garden, always wants to watch my kids and has advice for me when I need it. She is closer to me than my own mom. My mom laughs at most of the things I'm into, probably because I am more of a mom to my kids than she ever was to me and it's odd to her. Should I feel bad for buying my MIL fancy gifts for special occassions and not my mom?
13 people like this
24 responses
@emeraldisle (13145)
• United States
15 May 07
Reading your post all I could think of was my father and his relationship with his mother and his mother-in-law. My mother would make him call his mother on mother's day and her birthday. My paternal grandmother played a lot of emotional blackmail type games and often tried to make my father miserable. He had a far better relationship with my mother's parents then he did with his own. He did things with them, they were the ones we did holiday's with or traveled with. My paternal grandmother didn't want anything to do with us. See she had my father when she was 16 and she didn't like to be reminded that she was a very young grandmother. There were other issues as well and because of them she tried to distance herself from my father. He was only too happy to do so. From my point of view you should not feel guilty at all. It sounds like your mother-in-law is more of a mother to you then your real mother. Yes she gave birth to you and you should love her but there is nothing that says you have to like her. I think you are very lucky to have found such a great mother-in-law. It sounds like she has filled a void that has been in your life and that's always a great thing to have happen.
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
15 May 07
If I had a dollar for everytime my mom said "I love you, but I don't like you" while I was growing up I'd be living on a private island with some hot cabana boy bringing me margaritas all day! Emotional blackmail, that phrase says a lot, and I think looking back on the history of things it may suit my situation as well.
1 person likes this
@emeraldisle (13145)
• United States
17 May 07
I understand. I think some mothers especially from that age group excel at emotional blackmail. I know my mother does. I wish I had a nickle for everytime she made me feel miserable by using it. I'd be with you on that island.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48714)
• United Kingdom
14 May 07
Well I don't blame you really to be honest if you feel closer to your MIL and she is more willing then your own Mum then why not Why is your Mum laughing at you with the Activities that you take with the Kids I really do not understand your Mum to be honest
2 people like this
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
14 May 07
I don't understand my mom, and to be honest I have stopped trying. Don't get me wrong, she is a good person, she just never did "mom" things with me, and I hate to say it but I think she is a little envious that I have the relationship with my kids that she never had with me. Case in point, a salesman came into our office today selling random stuff. I bought this really cool picnic set from him and she asked what I bought it for. I said "picnics with the kids at the park, in the backyard, etc..it'd be fun." She rolled her eyes and told me I was goofy. The only time my mom has ever had an interest in me was when she could show me (or my kids) off to her friends. Isn't she pretty or isn't she smart or look at my beautiful grandkids.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48714)
• United Kingdom
14 May 07
I understand you Soccermom and you are doing good I did things with my Children to and we had Fun I agree that your Mum could be jealous of the relationship you have with your Kids actually I am sure you are right on that one
2 people like this
@grownup11 (219)
• China
15 May 07
There is a generation gap between you and your mother.And you made a bid to bridge the gap between you and your mother.Although you haven't get along with your mother ,you also lucky that having a easygoing 'amiable MIL. You don't feel bad for buying MIL fancy gifts on the special festival and not your mother .Being with your MIL makes you happy ,on the contrary,staying with your mother ,you canit feel happiness.For this reason , they are in stark contrast. Gradualy ,your heart will estrage your mother unknowingly,close to MIL.It's nothing to be remorsed about. But you must remember the duty to support your mother . No matter what your mother been ,you must be responsible for .There is no need to make effort to change your mother be someone ,just as MIL.As long as she feel a sensation of happiness,you shouldn't blame.Furmore ,you can try to change your patterns to fumble the world of your mother.As far as I concerned ,It's a good way to express your love to your mother.
@citygirl (1081)
• Canada
15 May 07
No I wouldn't feel back about that. But don't rub it in your moms face by telling her, and everything should be fine. We by with our hearts , don't we lol . Happy Mothers day to you.
@KrisNY (7591)
• United States
15 May 07
Absolutely not- It is great that you have such a great relationship with your mother-in-law. A lot of people do not have those types of relationships with their in-laws. I also think that it really isn’t the cost that you spend on a gift but the thought behind it- It’s too bad that you and your mom aren’t closer- but I’m glad that you have another mother also. My mom and I are very close- She does all the things you said your MIL does. I don’t think you should feel bad- Just love them both for who they are and be happy that you have 2 moms!
@sigma77 (5385)
• United States
14 May 07
I wonder if your mom knows you splurge on MIL more than her? Can't say that I blame you. Take away the titles and it is just one person enjoying another person. It sounds like your mom has a lot of stored up anger and regret which makes for her sullen moods. It is wonderful that you have such a great relationship with your MIL, for that is not always the case. You do what you feel like doing for whomever. I don't think you need to feel guilty.
2 people like this
• United States
14 May 07
You should not feel bad or guilty for having a good relationship with your MIL. Your mother has made her decision regarding her relationship with you and it is time now for you to decide to either accept it or reject it. If you reject it - you then reject your mother - so keep that in mind as a possible consequence. I know it is hard when you want a certain relationship with a parent and that parent just plain won't provide it (I went through the same with my father). I decided long ago that it is best to define the boundaries of our relationship and leave it at that. You are fortunate to have a MIL that treats you well and you find enjoyment in each others company. What a great gift!
@stormygrl (763)
• United States
14 May 07
I wouldn't feel bad , you're closer to your MIL and you spend time with her.Anyone who can't relate to their own grandchildren is sad. Maybe she was brought up to be cold somewhat you never know why some people are the way they are. Be glad you get along with your MIL and she's close to HER grandchildren.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
14 May 07
No, you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel and what you buy for your mother in law. If you are closer to her than your own mother, feel fortunate and be happy for that relationship! It is sad that you are not closer to your own birth mother, but sometimes that is the cards we are dealt. I know for a very long time my mother was overly critical of my life and everything I did, she is not so much now, but she still is nitpicky, but I love her and she is all I have, my mother in law isn't very close with me and that is ok with me. I love my mom and revere her. I think a lot of the way she is, is because of her culture and the way she was raised. She is not the most affectionate person, but as the years go by she softens more. But, don't feel bad in your situation. If your mother in law is the one taking the time to come over and visit, she supports you in your endeavors and decisions and you enjoy her company she deserves these nice things. There doesn't need to be any guilt!
2 people like this
@lightningMD (5932)
• United States
14 May 07
i dont think you should feel bad. It's not like you snubbed your mom yesterday. It sounds like you have alot in common with you MIL. That probably helps you relate to her. As for your own mom just got to accept her the way she is and love the good points and ignore the bad points.
2 people like this
@sjohnson628 (3197)
• United States
14 May 07
No do not feel bad at all after all you said she is more like a mom to you than your own mother. It's not the price of the gift that counts it is the thought. At least you got your mom something!
2 people like this
@SpitFire179 (2536)
• Canada
14 May 07
wow, do we have to do this again? Okay, see, my mother in law is the same with me, last christmas, i didn't buy anything for my mother, i decided she didn't appreciate it enough, and ended up spending almost 200 on my mother in law, the year before, mum gets about 30 spent on her, mother in law gets about 150 and change, it's odd but my mother in law gets me, she's not out to get what ever she can from me and she actually cares, she is a wonderful mother to my hubby, and she's always striving to teach both him and i new things. She'll come over, treat me the same as one of her kids, show me how to do certain things, help me in the kitchen, take me outside to talk about gardens haha, and even go into some pretty grose personal issues that sometimes make me want to gag, but i know it's because she's comfortable with me. So i don't feel bad for getting my mom something a lot less than her every year. For mothers day we don't do much because we're so far away we just give a phone call, and when we do see them we take them out to their favorite restaurant for their favorite meal as a belated mothers day, But anyway, i don't feel bad about it, thing is, if someone's more of a mother to you, you treat them like they are, and you are. That's what i do, and i don't feel one bit bad about it myself.
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
14 May 07
Reading your reply I realized I had caught myself playing my mom's game. I spent this much on so and so I should spend the same on this one. So I'm brushing that aside. Today my mom asks me the kids soccer schedule, I gave it to her and asked if her and dad were coming to watch this Thursday, her reply was "only if your sister is coming down". My sister lives two hours away! It amazes me that she can't drive 15 minutes away on her own to come watch but when my sis is coming she gets all gung ho.
• Canada
14 May 07
i hate to say this but it sounds like your mom does nothing unless it benefits her.... I personally would tell her that if she didn't come, then i would not welcome her any other game, she could come, i can't stop her, but she definitely wouldn't be treated with open arms. I can't believe that she would just put your kids games off as something that's only fun when your sister is around (which is just what it sounds like to me) i probably would have had everything to hold back from going over there and giving her a wack across the face..... But then again, i have a temper.... I guess all you can do is be thankful for having someone as a mother figure in your life right? Sorry if i offended you or anyone, didn't mean to... Just my opinion!
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
15 May 07
You hit it on the head. Eveything is more fun to her when my sis is included. I love my sister, but if you look up selfish in the dictionary, or maybe self absorbed her picture would be there. The whole universe revolves around her as far as mom is concerned. I've become rather numb to it over the years, but occassionally I still get bothered by it.
@mjsdls (1840)
• United States
15 May 07
Thia was our first mothers day without mom. She passed away last June. I miss her but I'm glad she is no longer sick. She had hepatitis C for 20 years and the last 4 years have been really bad. Everything started shutting down until she finally went to sleep. But I feel in my heart she is in heaven and that comforts me.
1 person likes this
@mjsdls (1840)
• United States
15 May 07
By the way I love your aviator, LOL
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Jun 07
Well, that is your choice to whom you would give more. But remeber mothers will always be mothers. She gave birth to you and take care of you when you are young.
1 person likes this
• Canada
15 May 07
Don't feel bad about not having a typical mother/daughter relationship with your mother. There's also nothing wrong with feeling closer to your mother in law than your own mother. Your relationship is what it is. It's normal for some people to not have a typical relationship with members of their family. We buy gifts for people based on their relationship with us. Your mother in law spends a lot of her time with you, and always helps you out, and so therefore, she's deserving of the gift you bought her. Don't feel bad. If your mother isn't much of a mother to you, then why should you buy her expensive fancy gifts for Mothers Day?
1 person likes this
@aniez0906 (264)
• Indonesia
15 May 07
oh...i'm understand with you, because i have same problem with you. but whatever you feel, whatever i feel, we must said that our mom is better than everything.. she is the best women in our life and we never get the other women like her wherever...=
1 person likes this
@vhansen (2029)
• United States
14 May 07
No of course not.This woman sounds like she's as much of a friend as she is your MIL so she deserves a little better gift.You're not excluding your mother even though you're not real close so you have nothing to feel quilty about.Enjoy you MIL and be glad you got a good one.;-)
14 May 07
hello there, no u should not feel gulity u know everone goes on about u only have one mum,but she dont seem to be a good one by the way ur talking about her. i dont have a good relationship with my mum i have not spoke to her in 8 years or my dad i dont even speak to my brothers or sister. long story but my husbands mum and dad are great mothers day farthers day i always buy them a gift and i dont feel guilty my parents are horible people,and when u have parents like mine u dont need enemy. so if u feel guilty dont im not saying shes as bad as mine now maybe ur mum will come round,
1 person likes this
@wachit14 (3600)
• United States
14 May 07
First of all you're lucky to have such a close relationship with your mother in law. Most women haven't got that kind of connection to right there you're ahead of the game. If you believe that she deserves more mom-like or more grandma-type gifts because of the type of person she is to you and your kids, then you have every right to express those feelings for her and I'm sure that she appreciates it. As for your mom, she did the best she could give the type of person she is. My mom is kind of like that too. I've come to accept her as she is and I do what feels comfortable for me and she's okay with that.
• India
14 May 07
i feel no harm if you share a better rapport with your mother in law over your mom!feel blessed you get along so well with her! cherish this relationship and keep going! being her daughter(talking about your mom) you have certian expectations from her or i may put like that- u had expectations!you wanted her to act like other moms-cuddling,hugging,attending to your demands,cooking, understanding you,doing some motherly sweet gestures like being a child when you were around.i understand! look the differnece lies in your and her nature, your priorities,your outlook towards life and kids. things like playing with kids may not be topmost in her list but they hold importance for you.this kind of difference is there between me and my mother too.though she's a very good mother but at times even i have felt that she should have done this to make me more comfortable but she didn't.still she remains my sweet mom!right so accept her and love her for what she is rather than brooding over the thing that why she isin't like this!when you do motherly things for your kids ,may be she feels inside that she could also have done all such stuff to make you feel loved because now she knows that you cherish such things as your doing them with your own kids now.so she's seeing you as a 'perfect' mom and realizing..hmm may be! all moms are not 'ideal' and can't be 'perfect'!i hope you got me! after all she was the one who brought you up so well!
1 person likes this