Should I do it?
By SheraPop
@SheraPop (84)
May 14, 2007 9:09am CST
I have been married for 3 years but haven't lived with my husband because his 4 older kids refuse to let anyone else live in their house... they have all left home now withion the last six months and he lives alone in a three bed house... we have a baby together and I have a 9 year old girl from a former relationship. I live around the corner from my mother, but apart from that have no friends here. Before I met my husband, I lived in Portsmouth (50 miles away)where all my friends are and only came back here because of personal circumstances. It broke my heart to leave; literally.
Six weeks ago, I asked my husband if we could live together within the year, to start making plans.. he lives near all of his family 9 miles away and it would be a much better for my two year old to be near them.
He said 'No, because***** (my daughter aged 9) may not flush the toilet after herself or make her bed properley'... I think he has some OCD issues.... anyway, I said that in that case I would have to consider moving back to Portsmouth because both my 9 year old and I feel so unhappy and not at home here... i even offered to go to counselling with him to try and sort out the issue he has with my little girl, but he refused it immideately.
Two weeks ago, I was offered an exchange to a similar property, close to the schools where my friends children go, right next to the sea; it looks a bit scabby outside but inside it's very nice; I have accepted and plan to move next Friday......
Problem is, everyone is now calling me selfish and saying I am not considering the children; when I think I am. All of his family are giving me the cold shoulder and saying I am 'out of order' taking his baby away from him...... I try to explain that it will be good for all of us, we can see each other at weekends and that time will be special and also can talk on the phone, internet, it's only 50 miles afterall!
My husband is a builder and works 7 days a week apart from Christmas and Easter... he doesnt get home until 7 at night by which time she is getting ready for bed... when he is there however I have to admit he is an excellent father.... in the meantime, my family and friends are all saying its for the best and my 9 year old is extastic, mostly because she is getting bullied at school and she ha no respect for my husband.......
so, should I move because right now I am torn between what seems like perfect sense and emotions of others...HELP!!
8 people like this
25 responses
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
14 May 07
I don't want to offend you or upset you any further, but what kind of a marriage do you have? Why are you putting up with this? I would not marry someone who would not allow me to live in their home with them. This makes no sense to me. I would definitely move to where you feel comfortable and what makes your children happy. It is quite obvious your "husband" doesn't care about you as a person or as his "wife". he doesn't treat you as such. It seems you are only there as a passing fancy. It astounds me that you aren't "allowed" to live with your husband because of your daughter. I would never marry a man who couldn't accept my child previous marriage or otherwise. You are a beautiful woman and a kind one at that. You deserve all of a man, not just part of one when he has time and wants to play house or husband/father. Please do what you feel is right. Don't be torn in this decision. Move and be happy and comfortable.
3 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
14 May 07
I also wanted to add that children are magnificent at judging character in adults. Your daughter is most likely sensing that he has no respect for you, therefore she shouldn't have respect for him. I think it is high time you rethink this marriage. You are a wonderful person and I am sure you deserve so much better in life! I wish you all of the luck in the world and I do hope you find happiness!
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
14 May 07
Oh don't cry! I know it is so hard when you feel you are hurting people, but you must not think of that now. You must remain strong for yourself and your children, because when it boils down to it, you and your children are the most important things to worry about. Concentrate on that, sometimes it takes being hard and strong to get through such a situation.
1 person likes this
@nageswari75 (675)
•
14 May 07
I think you should be moving because your husband won;t let you live with him anyway!it is absolutely ridiculous that even after you have made all attempts to keep the family together,your husband's family calls you selfish.Well,I say you should be.afterall,it is as mch for the sake of the kids as you that you are thinking about.It is good for your children if you stay nearer to the school and most importantly where you all will be happy.People will call you all sorts of names but they are not going to look after your children,it is you who will be doing that.So obviously,you have to do what is best for them.Don't go on explaining things to your husband's family.Tell them that you are moving because of the children.Goodluck!
2 people like this
@Savvynlady (3684)
• United States
14 May 07
First of all, WHY didn't anyone take an issue when his kids wouldn't let you live with your husband? that's a problem, serious one if ask me. I don't know if you both sat down and talked or what have you, but that in of itself is a problem; then now, you want to move and now YOUR the one being selfish. Ma'am. I suggest highly here that you both(I tend to get to say ya'll since I'm in the South) sit down and talk to these children. Well first to the husband and let him know what you feel and why your going and then the kids. If your daughter don't feel at home there, perhaps it is time you leave. If he cannot put his foot down perhaps this move will. I wish you the best because this is a hard situation. I am a divorcee but despite of all I believe in marriage, but then again, it seems to me, you lost the battle from day one when you couldn't live with your husband.
1 person likes this
@SheraPop (84)
•
14 May 07
So right,,, yes, I have tried over and over again because I didnt get married to live spearately and raise the baby as a single parent; he promised it would be different, but as time went by he just dug his heels in and whenever I raised the issue I was made to feel like a nag; I just stayed optimistic. But when it came to our 3 year anniversary I figured 'hmm, maybe this is the way it will always be.. and I dont know if I can handle it'
His answer in the discussions was always, wait until she leaves home, that means 10 years plus but at the same time, counting/ wishing her time with me away...
As for Southern drawl, don't worry, I lived in Missori for two years..... noone understood me and then when I came back to England noone understood me here either lol!
1 person likes this
@xfahctor (14118)
• Lancaster, New Hampshire
14 May 07
"wow" and "Oh my god" are the phrases that keep repeating themselves over and over in my head. I coulddn't imagine not living with my spouse.It sounds to me like the one being selfish is your husband, although from the sounds of it he's not much of a husband to you. When he married you he should have accepted that you have a daughter and that SHE comes with you as part of the deal. It sounds to me like he wnats the benifits of marrige with out the hassle of living with some one. DUMP this lout. Im very sorry for your situation and I hope you gather the streangth to move on and make a good life for you and your children, good luck to you.
2 people like this
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
15 May 07
The first thing that comes to my mind is "Why did you marry this man to start with." He married you and he should have either moved in with you or told his selfish kids to go elsewhere - prefferably to their Mother if they had one. From your comments it sounds to me like his entire family is self serving and selfish - no wonder his kids got their own way about you not living in the house. I would say - make your move - be where you are happy and that will reflect on your children. You say you and him can be together on weekends - well it is your choice but if it was mine - he would come to me - I certainly wouldn't go to him. Do what you think is best for you and your children. Maybe he will see the light eventually and join you, if not divorce is an option you might want to consider. Good luck and God Bless.
1 person likes this
@secondtimeagain (94)
• United States
14 May 07
First off, why are you even with this man? If he's going to let his children treat you that way, then he doesn't care a thing about you. He doesn't deserve you or the baby. I would be afraid of how he would treat my daughter. He had kids, surely he knows that things happen and children are going to make messes. What kind of man marries a woman and leaves her to raise their child alone while he raises his in another home and refuses to let her live there? My advice to you is to divorce him as soon as possible. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love the child the two of you had together and he doesn't respect. He obviously has some problems and you do not need to submit either yourself or your children to that. If his family is condoning the way he treats you, then ignore them as well. Get out and live where YOU want to. It's time to move on. If you haven't lived together in three years, it shouldn't be hard to get at the very least a legal separation. Goodluck to you.
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
15 May 07
In my humble opinion Your husband is an a$$. You should have been living together 3 years ago when you first got married. I don't think that you should even consider him concerning his son. He is not acting like a father or a husband. So move back to Portsmouth and be happy. To hell with his family. They should be putting pressure on him to live with you and your kids. If he were an excellent father he would be there with you and the kids. It’s easy to be an excellent father for a couple of hours once in a while. He is just playing father.
@marlyse (1056)
• Switzerland
15 May 07
hi there sherapop. i had to read this 3-times and still cant believe what this man did and still does with you. i think he uses his family for an excuse that he dont have to live together with you. you are absolutely not selfish. ist him who is. you do the right thing to move to your friends where you get your support. his family can think what they want, because they dont live your life. be strong girl and stand up and be selfish. fight for your rights. yu are such a wonderful person who tries all to hold the family together, but noone accepts it. i hope you find happiness and fun at your new place
@Michele21 (3093)
• United States
14 May 07
I think moving would be good for you and your kids! No need stayng around for a man that doesn't want a full commitment with you and your older daughter. He is being selfish not letting ya'll live with him. You need to do what makes you and your kids happy and not worry about him. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@mrsbrian (1949)
• United States
14 May 07
Im not sure why you even married this man did you not know about not living with him before you got married? What kind of man allows his children to run his house and say who can live there and who cant? As far as his family being upset about you takeing the baby away, what makes the difference when you dont live with him and hes never home anyhow as he works all the time.
I would never marry a man who did not accept my child as his own, I think you should have moved long ago.
Not only would I be moving I would also be filing for divorce because what you have with this man is certainly not a marriage.
@SheraPop (84)
•
14 May 07
No, he cahnged his mind when we got back from honeymoon becauase his kids said no, everything was all go before we went away on h/moon... and I would just like to add that my girl has always flushed the loo and as for making the bed, she does, like normal people, he wants her to make it his way... you know what, after hearing all the responses, I know I'm doing the right thing!!!
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
15 May 07
My first thought when I read this, was that his children should have had no say whether their father lived with HIS wife or not. So your husband is the one who allowed this situation to occur by giving in to his children's demands. Now that the children are gone, he still won't let you move in with him? What's with that? To me, it sounds like he doesn't want you with him.
He should be moving mountains to have you with him, and it's definately not you being the selfish one, he is the one creating this hardship on you and your children.
Ignore his family and do what's best for you and your children. They don't live your life, and have no idea what you think or feel. And the next time his family makes comments, say something like, well, he is out of order by not letting his wife and child live with him.
@evelynlyp (788)
• Japan
15 May 07
You should move away. Your children are already unhappy from being there. Your husband obviously doesnt' want your kids around. Not flushing the toilet and making her bed is such a lame excuse. Its not his sole responsibility, why is he acting like everything depends on him? He obviously doesn't want your older daughter around because she not his own.I'm suprised you married him when his children are treating you in that way.
Ignore his family, chances are he's telling you one thing and telling his family a different story. It happened to my family as well. My dad made my mom seem like a bad person with his half lies and twisted words.
How can a man be an excellent father if he refuses to live with you and the children due to feeble excuses? He is obviously not a good father figure if he chooses to discriminate in this way. Children are children, doesn't matter who the father was. You treat them like your own, they will start seeing you as their real dad.
Perhaps his own children learnt from him as well. They are discriminating you - not allowing you to stay because you are not their mom.
@charlestchan (1415)
• Malaysia
15 May 07
erm.. well.. i think you should move because ... honestly.. i'm sorry if i'm going to offend you.. but i think your husband is an irresponsible husband.. as a man.. he should have accepted your daughter.. and try to teach her what's right and what's wrong.. instead of putting the blame onto her.. if your husband loves you... i'm sure he will somehow understand and he will tolerate with your daughter.. i think you're not selfish at all.. all you're doing is to test your husband to see whether he's willing to find a solution together with you or not.. i think it's really ok =)
@devilsangel (1817)
• United States
15 May 07
Are you freaking kidding me? What kind of retard are you? Hell you might as well stay where you are cause apperently you're an idiot anyway so what difference does it make if you move now. Hell you've been married to this man for 3 yrs and haven't lived with him because his kids won't let you. Are you serious? OMG you're a freaking moron. No I'm not gonna sit here and be sympathetic to you because frankly you are a complete idiot and don't need sympathy but a smack in the damn face. GROW UP, theres some advice for you. OMG how do you people manage to survive in life. Christ.
@SheraPop (84)
•
15 May 07
Ha ha ha... one of the funniest responses... I laughed my socks off... but seriously, I am far from being an idiot; I worked for four long years bringing up my eldest whilst doing a degree as a single Mum... my problem is, I dont like hurting people and, unlike many people today, I believe in trusting someone .... I didnt have the strength to leave before because I kept thinking month to month that things would be better; also he changed and is far far far away from the man I married......
@kcbabez14 (967)
• United States
14 May 07
a husband and wife should be living together. Why would you be married otherwise? If he does not want to agree to being with you then its time for a divorce. it seems like he does not want to have the marraige responsiblity! for the children, they can see there father/famliy when the time permits. But you can't be stuck there and not making a better life for you and your famliy! you've tried all you could!
@citygirl (1080)
• Canada
15 May 07
Oh My god, I can't believe I am reading this in this day and age. Of course you need to move. Why would you even consider putting up with your husbands attitude to your nine year old. She deserves better than that. Obviously to me he has the potential to be an abuser, and you sure don't mean much to him, if he let his kids not allow his wife to live with him. For get him and his selfish kids. It is time you start thinking about your nine year old. What your are writing makes me wonder about your parenting skills. Sorry not meant to be offensive just honest. My heart breaks for the poor nine year old caught in the middle. Why not move and seek some counseling , for both you and the nine year old
@pilbara (1436)
• Australia
15 May 07
When I read this my first reaction was that is totally unbelievable.
Firstly not living together because of his kids means that he put them above you. I would not have been as tolerant as you have been.
Secondly to still say no to living together because of something you child might do is pathetic.
I can bet you that none of the women in his family would be putting up with this kind of nonsense, and none of the men would be acting this way. Then they have the nerve to criticise you because after putting up with all of this nonsense you then have to make a decision to better the lives of you and your children.
I'm sure it will be hard, but if they are like this don't let their actions change your mind as to the best thing to do.
Good luck
@jossy30 (24)
• Nigeria
14 May 07
I suggest you move. Your husband won't let you in into his house there is no need suffering yourself.I sugest you follow the perfect sense and move into your house.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
14 May 07
Ok, this one threw me for a loop...I can't imagine being married to someone and not living in the same house. If he doesn't want to live with you and your children, then move on. Move where you want to live, get a divorce and start living your life...at least that is what I'd do.
LIVE IN PEACE
@Giovannia (9)
• United States
14 May 07
I have to ask is this your belief that you and your husband live seperate? I think and thia is what I would do if it were me. If children can be that big of a barrier in a marital relationship than you're putting your children in the wrong place. I wouldn't worry about his family because you're not married to them though you may have gotten close to them. He has to be man enough to sustain the house hold where it works for the best for the family. If he doesn't want to live with you NO ONE has the right to tell you how far to move or where. He's got issues and it seems that you're waiting around for him. I'm not going to tell you that you should or shouldn't stay married because I'm not going to be accountable for my idols words. But,did you know this was how it was going to be before the marriage. In my sincere opinion that wouldn't go over well with me.
