I just found out that my friend was raped.

@arvee17 (730)
Philippines
May 15, 2007 10:35am CST
Early this evening my close friend called me up... it was one of those usual calls we had. we were having a great talk about almost everything then all of a sudden it shifted to her childhood days. I got shock of how much hatred she had in her heart for her parents, then all of a sudden, she blurted out that she was molested by 3 boys. I was shocked that I just said, "3"? I didn't know what else to say because my mouth started to run dry. she stopped talking for a while and decided to change the subject. but we felt uneasy after that. I didn't know how much pain she still had. She already got a kid so i was expecting maybe she is happy. but hearing her pain made me feel helpless. how can I help her? I am still bothered by that talk I had with her and I don't if I can ever help her heal her heart.
10 people like this
30 responses
@PsychoDude (2018)
• Netherlands
15 May 07
I don't know to what extent you talked to her about it already, but you might want to talk to her about it for real rather than over the phone if she wants to talk about it. Other than that I guess it'd be better to leave it alone unless she brings it up and wanting to talk about it herself.
3 people like this
• Philippines
15 May 07
it is true that things of this magnitude cannot just be dealt with through the phone. there is a need to talk about this lenghtily and it will have to be done face to face with the friend.
2 people like this
@arvee17 (730)
• Philippines
15 May 07
the only thing i said to her was ask her the number of boys who did it to her. i was afraid to tell her anything. I didn't know what else to say...
1 person likes this
• United States
15 May 07
Your reaction is normal, as a surviver myself I can tell you that your reaction is why we do not talk to much about it. Please do not get me wrong when I say that, You are not in the wrong, shock and the inability to provide comfort when you want so very much to is perfectly normal. After you have thought about it and wrapped your head around it yourself, encourage your friend to talk about it, with you making no judgments what so ever. Not even about her attackers. Let her tell you how she feels how it made her feel, give her validation but not pity. The one thing I hated most was seeing pity and self blame all over my families faces. If she thinks you hold pity for her situation you very well may not get her to talk about it again. I hope I can help you to understand your friend. If you have questions please ask.
2 people like this
@arvee17 (730)
• Philippines
15 May 07
how can i make her open up without me being shy to hear what she wants to say. I know that she just really needs someone to talk this things with. because most of the time when the two of us talk she always give me a hint about her past. and tonight she gave it to me... I can't help but feel pity on her because i know that she suffered and is suffering till now.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 May 07
If you are afraid to hear what she has to say then its best you leave it alone until you feel better about it yourself. Thats why I said for you to think about it. When YOU are ready to talk you could just open the door for her by saying, if you want to talk about your experience, I am here for you. Even if you feel pity, don't let it show through in your words or actions. Yes professional help is good, but I had some experiences that were not good with professionals. It takes a lifetime sometimes for something like this to be reconciled, but it can be done. You never forget but you can move forward and not react in negative ways to the pain. Perhaps you can do some research before you bring the subject up. Do some reading as a friend and find out how to approach the subject with out resorting to judgmental thoughts. Knowing what she is going through and understanding is the best tools and advice I can give to YOU her friend.
2 people like this
@arvee17 (730)
• Philippines
16 May 07
i guess you are right... i need to let myself ponder this over for a while. But i will surely help her in any way i can... i know im the only person she told about this. so i guess i'm a bit responsible to help her with her emotion. But i was just wondering, how do you live your life with too much secrecy and hatred at the same time? why not ask for help that you are in pain when you were young? probably i'm a little idiot for asking.
• United States
15 May 07
Being there for your friend when she needs to talk is the best thing you can do for her! It was obviously on her mind and she thought enough of you to call and share her pain and her thoughts.... sometimes its ackward but help her by asking has she sought any professional help. that is one way for her to heal!! But being a great friend always helps.... for going thru all that pain and recalling it can put you in a bad bad place and having a hand to hold to help you thru it all is something she will remember and will thank you for one day!! for you will help her pull thru all of this a better person!
• Philippines
15 May 07
convince her to seek professional help so she can deal with the hurt and the bitterness squarely. the hurt and the bitterness that she has, will never go away until she gets it out of her system. to be able to this properly, she will need professional help. traumas that persons get from these types of experiences get ingrained and are not that easy to be rid of.
@dcroome2005 (1211)
• United States
16 May 07
I've been raped and had to help friends who were raped. The best thing to do is let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to talk. No matter how shy you are or don't want to hear it, it's not about you and how you feel, it's about being a friend and helping her out in her time of need. Just my opinion. Just let her know you are there for her and she will come to you IF and WHEN the time is right. Last thing she needs right now is someone either pushing the issue for her to talk or someone not wanting to talk to her. KNow what I mean? Not saying that this is you, just giving you advice.
1 person likes this
@arvee17 (730)
• Philippines
16 May 07
yes, i do understand what you mean... i will try my best to do as what you have said... the responses i got from most of you are so overwhelming and i really appreciate it...
• China
16 May 07
This time it is so hard to any word for her. Or maybe your harmless words will hurt her.You just do things as usual that show your care to her.Don't refer to the thing firstly.Because she doesn't want people to talk it .It is a shame for her.Maybe as time passes, the wound will heal. But you know , the scar is deep. Don't move it.
1 person likes this
@rossman (70)
• Philippines
16 May 07
all i can say is that be there not just as a real friend but as a guardian as well. she needs your help, love and understanding. just wait when is she going to open and talk about it. don't forget to pray for her.
1 person likes this
@rudz006 (209)
• Malaysia
16 May 07
You should call her for sometime to give moral support.Ask her to make many activities to forget about the painfulness.This is the best way to do.
1 person likes this
• India
16 May 07
Unfortunetly This Kind of things Do happens in every city of the world.... The Only thing We can do that teach the girls to protect themselves no matter how young they are
• India
16 May 07
It is a dreadful thing to go through something so awful and even to speak about it after all these years would'nt seem easy.. i am sure that she wants to talk about it she needs a friend a close one at that and she is seeking that in you or she would have never come up with her most painful and embarassing past if she would'nt have wanted to take it off her heart.. I suggest u take her out for lunch and spend some time with her getting close to her and tell her that u are there for her, speaking usually helps and i know for a fact speaking out these things aloud with friends makes the memories go away and in time it will be forgotten. But if she still has hate for her parents and still thinks of those molestation after so long then she has not completely forgotten the pain and embarassment that came with it!!!!!!!! So be with her and give her moral support and tell her u are there to listen to whatever she says and a shoulder to cry on that helps largely* Good Luck
@zeqi1985 (20)
• Turkey
16 May 07
i really don't think it would be a good thing to bring the past to present ...but think it in this way she wanted to share it with you and that shows that she trusts you even in that situation and told you that...i think she needed someone to tell and have some relief of the event...i think you have already done what was/is expected from you.
1 person likes this
@EvanHunter (4028)
• United States
16 May 07
thats horrible I am sorry for your friend and sorry that you are in that position. The best thing you can do is just be there for her. If she opens up again you need to try and get her to go to a professional counselor. Many women suffer there whole life from this and never get over it because they never get the professional help they need to bring it to a real lasting closure.
1 person likes this
@joice86 (1079)
• Philippines
16 May 07
huh, what a news you got from your friend...It must really be painful for her. I think the best thing you can do at this time is just to respect her and wait for her to open it up again and if she does, just listen to her and ask her on how you can help her... And you can also pray for the healing of her pains...
1 person likes this
@yasaran (788)
• India
16 May 07
Sometimes it is diffult to ask. Sometimes difficult to console. It is sometimes better to leave old matters as it is. Digging it more will create more problems..
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
16 May 07
Usually its good therapy to share a trauma with a caring friend.This molestation is something shes kept inside for a long time and its like a festering sore. She needs to let it go. You can help by listening to her story. Try to disregard the Hate shes feeling. You can be there for her,just to listen. Try to get over your helpless feelings. This is one thing that wont help her. She needs to feel your love, and know that you are her friend no matter what happened way back there in the Past
@lilpimp (28)
• United States
16 May 07
I agree that you cant settle enything over the phone so talk face to face and dont be scared to say anything. Comfort her and make her feel like she never got raped tell her that alot of people go through that misrible stuff everyday. Tell her to go on with life and dont let the past go to her mind and worry about the present and future. I feel very sorry fot her though.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
16 May 07
You know, I'm glad she told someone as it must be so so hard to have kept that in for so long. By you just being there for her, and listening, caring, supporting in any way you can is probably all that you can do right now. If she decides to seek further help, at least she has you there to support her along the way. If you can get her to keep talking about it, releasing it, it may be a start to help her towards her healing.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 May 07
I would ask her if she would like to meet for coffee or something of that nature, then casually mention your phone conversation and let her know that if she EVER needs to talk, you'll be there. She needs to know that she has people that care about her, especially since it seems like these memories are re-surfacing. I know you would love to just snap your fingers and make the pain go away for her, but that's impossible.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 May 07
Just be a friend and let her know that you are there if she ever wants to talk. Don't push her to talk about it, it could make things worse. I am a rape victim also and the best thing that i had were friends who were there for me. I am so sorry for your friend.
@TerryZ (22085)
• United States
16 May 07
Well just be there for her when she wants to talk about it. I think the more she talks about it she can get over it alot faster. I mean she wont get over it completely but she will deal with it better.