How do I help her miles away?

United States
May 18, 2007 4:25pm CST
My sister has a boyfriend who seemed ok at first, I haven't met him yet. They got a apartment together, and he said that he would pay the rent with the money from the his job. She called me wednesday crying her eyes out, saying that she can't take him anymore. They just moved in to the aprtment tuesday, and they are alredy fighting. she said that he will not leave her side, he is always beside her. He has no friends, and wont let her hang out with any of her friends without him. Now he never got the job he said he would get to pay the rent, and he wont even get one. He says to her don't worry he will pay the rent, how will he with no job. I ask her is he dealing drugs or his he a male striper, because they both make a lot of money. I hope he isn't doing either, but how will he pay the rent. I told that they should of waited to get the apartment intill he had a job at least. She also told me that he wont even let her grocery shoping by her self, now that shounds like he is trying to control her. She wants to end the relationship but has no where to go, my mom dosen't want her to live with her agian. So they are going to try to work it out, but I think it's a big mistake. He is needey and wont let her out of his sight, and he wants to control her and everything she does. He got so mad when she told him to give her some space, he threw a fit just like a child. I have never hread my sister cry the way she did when she was on the phone with me. She had all these emotions in her when she called me, she had so much frustration in her, plus being mad and sad at the same time. I wanted to let her come to live with me for a while, but we already have my fiance's brother and cousin living with us. It's a full house, and I feel so bad that she cant. I'm the only one she can call in our family, the rest don't give a s***. which is sad. And I can't help her, I don't know how. All I keep telling her is get a job or maybe he will change.
4 people like this
15 responses
• United States
18 May 07
I had the same problem with my little sister. I had 2 grown and one minor stepson taking up space in my 2 bedroom apartment. I got in my car, drove my behind up north and collected my sister from the man who was counting her car mileage, refusing to give her gas money, and mentally as well as physically abusing her while carrying the child he insisted she have. I put my youngest on the couch, let the two grown boys make beds on the living room floor and we toughed it until it was safe for her to go back up north. I don't care how crowded your house is, if something bad happens to your sister you will not be able to live with yourself. Go get her. Live with the inconvenience of having your sister safe.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 May 07
Part of that didn't sound right. He insisted she stop taking the pill and get pregnant. I didn't mean to make it sound like she didn't want her baby.
1 person likes this
@onabreak2 (1162)
• United States
19 May 07
Your Sister is one lucky girl to have you. I agree with everything you say. Go get her. You by the way are a angel.
@sad_man (81)
• Romania
18 May 07
uff really bad thing to go in other country ..and don't have a friend ...at least she know the language of that contry? ....maybe he is just posesive and he loves her so much and he feels bad by this situation ...to don't have a job...stay with rent ...and he feels bad about him and he love her and is afraid because she doesn't know what she think's ...and he think's that she will met somebody with money house ...etc etc job etc and she will leave him...I think this is it ....I was also almost the same with my girlfriend when I was doing hard time ....no job no car no house no nothing ..just me ! ...I i was verry afraid that my girl will leave me ...and find somebody better than me ..at that time ...but she talked to me ..i';ve explained to her what i feel ...and she smiled and said that will be with me till the end of time no matter what ...and ...i didn't checked her calls ...asked her all the time where she goes with who etc ! I trusted her! and i still trust her maybe is the same thing here...he feels bad and try to keep her near him because he feels that she will leave him.... the best thing ...if she loves him is to talk to him ...and tell him what she feels and try together to figure that out...to strugle together!
• Japan
19 May 07
There's a difference between not being able to find a job and not willing to find a job.
• United States
22 May 07
this is a bad situation, plain and simple, she needs to leave, doesnt she have any friends she can stay with until she can get a job and get on her feet? thats crazy! all i know is she definitely needs to leave this guy, before he starts physically beating her...
@MJLami (1173)
• United States
19 May 07
I'm glad you have empathy for her. How many family members would not? I agree with you- she should not have moved in with him, obviously she did not know him well to find herself in this mess so fast! He will not change, only she can and will if she wants her life to improve. He sounds to be a very possessive controlling manipulative person and when she does find the strength (god-willing very soon I pray for her sake) it is very likely he will then become a stalker to her. She needs to end this relationship as quickly as possible and move on, possibly even relocating to stop what has begun. This relationship is not healthy and will ruin her emotional well-being and mind the longer she is involved in this. I don't know your sister and don't pretend to. Having been the acquaintance only of a neighbor that became a stalker being one and expecting to control and manipulate my life only for having met me by moving next door I have probably the worst outlook of anyone on where I see this relationship going. The creep thought because it said so we were going to be involved, it believed I had no choice and was going to be forced to accept supporting a deadbeat loser with no job. I wasnt able to like the person that kept getting only creepier but that didn't matter to it. Being only a neighbor it kept stating and expecting it was proving me wrong. I lived in a state with very poor stalker laws. After years of it only getting worse I finally sold the why I was being stalked. I was attractive to the loser because I had a home and tenants. This creep was someone else's tenant and I believed half of a gay couple that had become neighbors only at all. A controlling, manipulative person all the delusional stalker would prove to be. A neighbor was all it had or was ever to be. I lived unhealthy all those years and still have work on my emotional well-being to do, still growing stronger every day since. I had been caring for a man I did very much want to know. The stalker believed keeping happiness from happening for me it was going to acuqire me for doing. I had nothing for the neighbor meeting it and only went on to feel hatred forever for the stalker it became, long before I sold the house it expected to steal by making me live hell on earth. Someone that does not contribute to bettering life is all your sister seems to have in hers. I hope she cares enough for herself to stop it and fast!
@KrisNY (7609)
• United States
19 May 07
Sounds like your sister needs to figure this out on her own- I agree it was too early to move in with the man. Hopefully he will straighten out- But sounds to me like he is controlling- Always with her- needy- I hope that she can find a way out- If she doesn't have a job either- how will they ever pay their bills? I wish her luck-
@onabreak2 (1162)
• United States
19 May 07
My Sister and I are the only ones in our family. We are two years apart. If that ever happened to her I would have her stay with me no matter what. We are grown now and that could never happen but we have close family ties and did then too. Our parents would always be there for us when they were alive. It is sad she has only you to count on. Let her come stay with you or if something happens to her you will always regret not making the right decision. Go with your heart. Good Luck to you and I hope your sister is safe.
@Marie2473 (8523)
• Sweden
19 May 07
I am so sorry to hear. It is always so hard to help someone who is far away. I guess that all u can do is be there for her when she calls, However I do belive that she could move in with you if she really wanted to, she could always sleep on a couch or a matress on the floor for a few wekks until she gets it all together. The bf sounds very needy and it is not easy living with a person like that. I am a person that needs my freedom and i could never be with a guy like this.
• India
19 May 07
Listen, I don't know whether this could be the most appropriate action or not, you be the judge of that. Like they say, desperate situations call for desperate measures. If you have a male friend, especially one with some bulging biceps, ask him to pay your sister's boyfriend a visit and give him a nasty scare. Let him introduce himself as your sister's guardian angel or something like that and let him threaten to grind him into the floor if he doesn't behave himself and get a proper job within a week! Just wait and watch as the magic unfolds! Immature people like your sis's guy just require a little something like that to get motivated to work! Let me know if you think it would work. God bless! CV.
@derek_a (10903)
19 May 07
It is difficult and I understand that you are overcrowded, but if your sister could sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor until she gets herself a job and place of her own, that may be better than staying with a man who wants to own her and possess her in this way. Maybe if you talk to everyone else in your home and ask them if they could possibly help you to support your sister until circumstances change. The other difficulty you may face is that if she has decided that she wants to make another try with her boyfriend, well there is not alot you can do if she is determined to do this. It probably won't work unless the b/f changes and this is unlikely. All you can do is just be there with some form of practicle help. Perhaps everyone in your home can put some money together to get her a place and then she pays you back when she's got a job again? There may be lots of things you can do if you all sit down and discuss it.
@latsmom (824)
19 May 07
I have myself been in a controling relationship. I don't think that this man will change and over tie you will see your sister dissapear into a shadow of her former self. Does she not have freinds that can let her stay until she gets a job and has enough to get her own place? It has took me 2 years from breaking from my 8 year relationship to find myself again and regain confidence. The main question is, is she ready to leave him? If sh eis she needs to think about escaping to a womans refuge as it is not only ohysical violence that is classed as abuse, your sister obviously feels threatened and frightened, she needs to get out as soon as possible. no love is worth losig your own identity and respect.
• Rwanda
19 May 07
in cases like this one needs a good ;give a thougth;b4 any desiccions,i think ya sister should leave that guy cos hes behaviours re so sick.she kept him cos he makes her happy but thats wrong there is no happiness in this.if she still loves him maybe lil patient will do but if she doesnt,its real hell shes into.
@tonixxx (358)
19 May 07
No one deserves to be treat like you have described, my hert goes out to you and your sister. I know you said that your mum doesn't want her living there and that no one else gives two hoots but, you don't know what if anything your sister has said to your mum. She may not have told her how bad it is as a matter of pride, i suggest that you contact your mum and recall wednesdays conversation to her, tell her how worried you are and that there is potential for things to get nasty. Plead too her to let your sister stay there for a while longer and assure her that as soon as your current house guests have gone she can come and stay with you. If this does not have any effect then i would agree with the gentleman that said make room for her, if she is so unhappy that she is calling you and crying out for your help then she will be happy with anywhere to stay that isn't there. So let her have the sofa or ask your'e fiance's bbrother or cousin if they would mind staying on the couch for a while. If he is keeping tabs on her then i would go down and pick her up but ask another male that you can trust to go with you for moral support as it sounds like he has the potential to try and phisically restrain her or get violent towards either of you.
@vokey9472 (1489)
• United States
18 May 07
OMG! She is your sister. You call her and tell her to come home to your place. You can find room for her. She is not just some friend that you wish you could help, she is your sister! I don't care if I have nothing more to offer than a place to sleep on my floor, if my sister called me in this type of situation it would be a no brainer. I would hop in my car, go over there and pack her up and put her in my car and take her home to my place. This is your sister. How can you say that you wish you could help her but can't? Where there is a will there is a way. You can find room for her if you really wanted to. You and she can share a room and your boyfriend can share a room with his brother or cousin. She can sleep on the couch. Something, anything. But to leave her in that situation is just shameful. Family should always be able to turn to each other in times of need. Family should always be there to lend a helping hand in any way that they can. If all you can do is put her stuff in storage and let her sleep on your floor, then that is what you do. Go get your sister and bring her home with you. What if his controlling and needy ways lead to beating her up and maybe even killing her? It could happen. If you leave her in her current situation, then you aren't any better than those members in your family that you claim don't care about her. If you truly are the only one she can turn to, you have to go get her and just find a way to make it work in your home. I know I would for my sister.
@anku888 (136)
• India
18 May 07
i think your sister's bf is too possessive and don't want her to live on her own,which is very bad. If possible ask your mother to help her becoz she's in need of someone's help now,if she goes on living with such a person she'll go mad. you may also suggest her to live on her own.
• United States
18 May 07
First of all, I offer my sympathy to your family and your sister. She doesn't deserve someone like that guy. He seems way too clingy and too controlling. You need to tell your sister to be careful too. She needs to be alert because you never know when a fight like this will get violent. It sounds like she is quite suppressed and if the guy is too immature to take it like a man, he doesn't deserve to live with her. When a couple live with each other, they need to consider each other, they cannot be selfish. What your sister's boyfriend is is just totally selfish. So please, tell her to be careful to control herself as well and not drive him over the edge because if something happens, your sister might get physically hurt as well. I suggest for your sister to move out by herself and leaver her guy for a while. I don't think it's a good idea to tell him where she's going either because he might just follow her and end up like a stalker. She needs to get her own job and be independent for a while. But I think she needs to get rid of that guy before everything turns even worse.