Does this make me a bad person?

@brendalee (6086)
United States
May 22, 2007 12:03am CST
First of all, the month of May has not been very good to me. My boyfriends father is having surgery this Thursday for pancreatic cancer. Last week we found out that my daughter-in-laws grandfather is dying from heart failure. Then yesterday I find out that my son's father is also dying of esophogeal(throat) cancer. I am very stressed out by the first two but its my son's father that leads to my question. I really could care less about him. Part of me is almost glad that this world will finally be rid of him. That man sexually, mentally and physically abused me, which wasn't as bad until the day he sexually abused my son. He also threatened my life several times. I left him when my son was two years old, about 20 years ago. So, part of me is feeling a little guilty and I am wondering if my lack of sympathy for that man means I am becoming a bad person. What does everyone think? And a special note to my friends: I may not be around much this week due to my boyfriends dads surgery. No matter how you pray, now would be a good time for me. Thank you.
9 people like this
19 responses
@anjoks (2084)
• Philippines
22 May 07
Ey there brenda, i know what u-r feeling right now. I perfectly understand why you feel that way, lack of sympathy towards him. It doesn't make u a bad person really, you are just being true to yourself. Thats how you feel and nobody in this world can blame you for that. You'd been thru a lot towards this guy. . On a personal note, i hate my father so much and whatever he do to me, the hatred is there and will always be there no matter what. . Anyway, i hope everything will be fine. We'll just be here. Praying for the speedy recovery of ur bf's dad. Take care. (",)
3 people like this
@brendalee (6086)
• United States
22 May 07
I am sorry that you have a bad relation with your father, but its good to know that you can relate to what I am saying. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@kumbarn14 (686)
• Pakistan
22 May 07
God created man with two things to choose - good and bad, if something good happens it is from God and if something bad happens its from human.
3 people like this
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
22 May 07
Sweetie I am so sorry and no you are not a bad Person I guess he must have hurt you really bad for you to feel this way You are having a lot to deal with and Sweetie you are in my thoughts all the way I will wait for you to come and if you need to talk shout Love and a big Hug to you xxxx
2 people like this
@brendalee (6086)
• United States
22 May 07
Thanks Gabs. I am doing okay and I will get through this. Its just so darn frustrating sometimes. Thanks for the hugs.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
22 May 07
Yes I bet it is I am here Sweet you know that
2 people like this
@Grandmaof2 (7604)
• Canada
22 May 07
My God after all your ex has done, I'd say he can only be thankful he made it this far. You're not a bad person think about what you're saying my goodness!!! God knows what he's doing with this fellow and stay clear, you made your best move when you left him. You have a full plate already with so many loved ones with serious health issues right now. Focus on staying well yourself and being there for the ones that love you. By all means you're in my prayers... Take Care (BIG HUGS)
@brendalee (6086)
• United States
22 May 07
I had to laugh when I read your reply because I was thinking the same thing. I remember the day when I found out that he had molested my son. My mom wanted to kill him. She was going to run him over with her car. Thank you.
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 May 07
Well as a mother it would be tempting but I'm sure your Mom is a good lady and thank goodness she's not going to jail for the likes of someone like that.
2 people like this
• United States
22 May 07
brendalee, my thoughts and prayers are with you with and your loved ones you are going to be going through a lot this week. No you are not a bad person, your son's father did some horrible things to you, do not feel guilty for your feelings they are your feelings. I hate my mother for what she did to my sisters and while we where growing up. I also hate her what she has become now, she continues to try to drive a wedge between my sisters and I apart and she is so self centered I hate her. Once I realized I hate her I feel so much better, I was consummed with anger and rage, now a lot of that is gone. I know I will have to answer to the lord when the time comes but it gives me peace here on this earth. I feel these are your feelings and this man did upspeakable things to you and your innocent son. You have a right to your feelings. You are not horribe and do not feel guilty. You need all your strenght to deal with the people you love. When the time comes and you meet your maker then you can answer to him. There may be a day when you can forgive your son's father for what he did to you and your son but do not give him your worry, or energy. You are not a bad person, he did unspeakable things to you. I know it was 20 years ago but you do not put a time line on the hurt he caused you and your son. Please save your strength for your loved ones, you are a good person. My prayers are with you.
@brendalee (6086)
• United States
22 May 07
I am sorry about the problems with your mother. Its really good to know that I am not alone. I actually thought about having a party when it happens but I talked myself out of it. I will probably just go do something nice with my son.
1 person likes this
@hollowheart (1572)
• India
22 May 07
dear Brenda, there is always a bad part of life. I understand that it was really wrong and bad on his part to have done so. ur hatred is justified. However, i would still ask u to pray for his health, as u r good and thats what jesus said. forgive all. I know its too hard but god will punish the sinner according to his/her sins. Dont worry, i shall pray for all of you and hope ur happiness returns soon. TAKE CARE.
2 people like this
@brendalee (6086)
• United States
22 May 07
I have forgiven him. I just can't forget. I know he had a "sickness" and I got out of the situation as fast as I could.
1 person likes this
@taymouse (585)
• United States
22 May 07
First of all, I'm sorry for everything that's going on and I hope the surgery goes well and everything works out for the best. I'm also sorry for your bad relationship with your son's father. No, you are not a bad person. You're just human! I would feel the same way as you, with lack of sympathy, trust me. It is hard to forgive someone who is abusive, especially someone like you say this man was. I don't know the full story, of course, but whatever it is you are not a bad person. You're going through hard times and you're going to have a lot of struggles and doubts. I hope everything works for the best and you and your family are in my prayers!
2 people like this
@brendalee (6086)
• United States
22 May 07
Thank you for your kind words taymouse. I really appreciate it.
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 May 07
For starters I would like to say that I am very sorry for all that you are going through and hope things will start to look up for you a bit as you have been going through a really rough time for the last month and you need some good news in your life . Now to answer your question . You are ABSOLUTELY NOT a bad person for feeling the way you do . You were hurt in the way no person should ever be hurt and when someone goes after your child that is the ultimate betrayal anyone can ever do to a parent . You should never feel bad for feeling the way you do when someone hurts you on purpose the way you were hurt . You know you would never turn to someone and tell them that they were wrong in the way they felt as you would know they were justified in how they felt . In life it is often difficult to look at ourselves and be able to find the answers that would be so easy to see if someone esle were asking the question . I am sorry you had to so through such a horrible experience and then your poor child on top of this to add double the pain and hurt to your child and to your life but some people truely don't deserve to be forgiven for the pain they caused in our lives and this world is truely better off with people like that no longer with us . I hope the surgery goes well for you boyfriends dad and always remember that you were not the person who did the hurting and should never feel guilty for something that was through no fault of your own . You are not the one that is taking away his life and have no reason to feel that you are bad for wanting to be rid of a horrible part of your life . Take Care and all the best to you and your family :)
2 people like this
@brendalee (6086)
• United States
22 May 07
Thank you very much. Your words gave me some comfort. I consider myself a very good person and to have thoughts like I had, made me question that.
1 person likes this
@KrisNY (7609)
• United States
25 May 07
I can honestly say that I do NOT think it makes you a bad person- I would feel the same I’m sure if I was in your shoes- That man does not deserve your sympathy. Regardless of what type of a man he is now- the things that you said he did to you and then to your son? I hope that he was punished for his crime- (prison) and if he wasn’t – then maybe this is Karma- I totally believe in karma- Coming back to bite him in the as$ for the things he did in his life! So no- I say you are not a bad person at all.
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
25 May 07
Sorry I'm late in responding to this....it seems May hasn't been a very good month for a lot of us here at MyLot. As far as you're feeling that you're a bad person because of how you feel about your son's father--no you're not a bad person--he not only put your life in a living hell, but your son's--and you should actually pat yourself on the back for leaving him--you and your son didn't need that abuse, no woman or child does...the only way you could have been a bad person was if you HAD stayed in that relationship...So bravo to you for getting out of it!
1 person likes this
@villageanne (8579)
• United States
23 May 07
Wow your life is pretty stressful. It must be hard for you with all this stuff going on at once. I think we all have these feelings when someone has been cruel to us in one way or another. I think you are the only person who can say if this makes you a bad person or not. Because it is your opinion that will matter in the end. You know your reasons and none of us to. If you really feel this way about him, just feel it and move on.
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9925)
• United States
23 May 07
Hon, those feelings do NOT make you a bad person in any sense of the word. Look at what you had to go through because of him. Yes, he is your son's father....but that's all he is. As the saying goes, "any man can be a father, but it takes a REAL man to be a dad." It's very difficult to forgive when you have been through abuse like that, and it's next to impossible to ever forget it (I've been there too sweetie). From the sound of it, he doesn't deserve your guilt or sympathy. Personally, I think you need to concentrate on the grandfather of your daughter in law, and on your boyfriend's dad, and don't stress over your abusive ex. If it makes you feel better, just say whatever prayer over him to God, and let God deal with him after that. And then concentrate on you and your family that loves you. I will definitely be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, as always. Big hugs to you my dear friend.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 May 07
Hi Brenda! First of all, I want you to know that together with all the myLot users who've read your post, we sympathize with you. Secondly, I want to answer your post, you are not a bad person... My experience may not be as bad as what you are experiencing right now, but hey, all of us have their ups and downs, and when it seems that life is lingering to the down side.. keep the faith that time will come when you will be having the time of your life! :-) Illness and losing the person you love is a part of life, always remember that our lives is something God lent us to make us instruments for someone else's lives! At this time of your life, it will be good to step back and see the bigger picture inside the circle that you dwell in now. Do (not try, coz trying is failing with dignity) your best to see even the smallest thing that makes life important to you now. Like for example the fact that God gave you the chance to meet those people and know them and actually have them to be a part of who you are now! Everyone you meet, everyone who is there around you, God wouldnt let you meet them if they do not have a purpose for your life, may it be to make you stronger, or to whatever purpose they bring to your life... they will make you a better person! For the man whom you hate, hey girl, i suggest you dnt wallow on hatred. Hatred, guilt, regrets are heavy things to carry with you through life! Please look at it this way, your past with him may have been the worst nightmare but look at you now! You know now how to fight, how to be strong, and how to be appreciative of the man you are with! But the most important gift that man gave you, is your son... Without that nightmare, you may or may not have your son that stands by your side and you may never be the best mom for him. Because of what he did, you saw your purpose for your son and the purpose of your son in your life! You found the need to protect him with your life, to give him the life he deserves away from the pain his old man can do. And for your son, without him, it will be harder for you to fight, he became your strength back then, and he gave you the will to want something much better! I will be here to pray for you and pray for the ones you love... For now, I suggest you breathe and lift up your woes to Him. PS. There is this story that ive read about a stonecutter, a king found a precious stone and wanted to make it into a crown. The stone was beautiful but not that stunning. When it got to the stonecutter, he hit it with all his strength to split it into two... but after all the pounding, he produced the best crown the King could've ever imagine! All im saying is, all the things you are experiencing right now, even if you feel that you cant handle it anymore, dont lose hope... for He wants to make a beautiful gem in you, besides, God is the most skilled stone-cutter!
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 May 07
Wow..sorry to hear about all of this. You are dealing with many things right now and clearly some are more important to you. Perhaps your feelings towards your ex are stemmed from the fact that you feel you need to be paying more attention to the other matters at hand? No, I do not think you are a bad person at all. These things you have gone through are not easy to forgive. However if you do not forgive him somewhat, you may feel worse if/when he does pass on. yes, these things he has done are horrible but after all we are all human. He obviously is not mentally stable. Maybe he had seen these behaviours as a child and somehow is reliving them. My advice is to speak with someone professional that could help you,otherwise you risk a breakdown. This is way to much stress to handle all at once and therefore should seek out someone professional to talk to. Hang in there, things will look up!
1 person likes this
@Savvynlady (3686)
• United States
22 May 07
Well, the thing with him is this; He caused you a lot of pain, and though a part of you is perhaps sorry(though you may not see where this part is right now), another part don't have no feelings whatsoever. I feel that perhaps now he is reaping what he sowed; I hate to go there, but I have to be real about it.
1 person likes this
@shambuca (2560)
• United States
22 May 07
No it does not mean you are becoming a bad person- it just means you are finally getting angry. I went through similar events in my life and after seeing a councilor she said I needed to get angry and confront him, which did not happen right away but did happen down the line. You are just now getting there--- and I am proud of you for leaving and pulling yourself together and moving on, not many women can do that and are afraid to. If you are stil feeling angry- try talking to someone who is familiar with this type of thing you would be surprised how it helps---I was!
1 person likes this
@Willowlady (10666)
• United States
22 May 07
It is indeed a stressful time for you. We have had our share of troubles at the end of April and we are still dealing with them. I hope you can find some measure in your heart to wish him well. Would make you a better person and stop his badness. By praying for us and we praying for you it will turn this tide in better directions for all of us involved. Take care and seek the good that lives within you.
1 person likes this
@sjohnson628 (3197)
• United States
22 May 07
I am sorry to hear of all the bad things that are happening in your life right now. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. It looks like you have gotten a lot of good advice here already. The way you are feeling doesn't make you a bad person. I think you are remembering all the bad that he has done to your family and that is what makes you have no sympathy or empathy for him. We all have to die one day and it is just his time. So do not feel bad. It's not like you brought the cancer upon him. ~HUGZ~
1 person likes this
• Brazil
22 May 07
omg i just cant say anything =x