I'm really not sure how I should feel about this........

United States
May 28, 2007 6:54am CST
Yesterday we had a family get together which is what we do every year. I have a huge family and we always have it outdoors with all kinds of outdoor activities, drinking being the main activity since alot of them are alcoholics. If you can tolerate drunken stupidity then this is the place to be, we have a blast. well anyway, the past year and a half has been extremely tough for us due to a few unexpected deaths in my family. So I am sitting there talking to a few other people when my cousin walks up to me and says he has something for me. He proceeds to hold out his hand so I reach out for whatever this may be. He puts a piece of a broken rock in my hand, at first I am puzzled but then he begins to elaborate. His brother which is my cousin killed himself last year. I was very close with him and it took me quite a while to get past this significant loss. He was suffering from depression and addiction, when things got too bad he went down to the beach and shot himself in the head, it was days before anyone found him and in the extreme heat it was awful. we found out that he didn't die instantly, he actually laid there and bled out. It was a very hard thing for us to come to terms with. Anyway, so he hands me this piece of rock and says this is the rock that Jack died on. It actually was a great big rock but they had broke it down into numerous pieces to give to the family. Now I am completely in shock and when I looked down at it I saw a slight discoloration which could only be one thing so I unintentionally dropped it. He looked at me like I was crazy and walked away. I did pick it back up eventually once my head quit spinning. I know it was done as a nice gesture but I'm not sure I want this. I think it has already started to alter the way I would like to remember him. I want to remember him for the wonderful person that he was and all of the good times we had and not those last few moments before he died. Given the condition of this peice of rock, the only thing you can think of is that. Is it wrong for me to not want it? Do you think eventually the shock will wear off and I'll be okay with this? At this point I'm not okay with this..
6 people like this
11 responses
• United States
28 May 07
Wow, that's a tough one. Maybe if he presented it to you in a different way. Explaining it first and then asking you if you wanted it may have made a huge difference in how it first affected you. I don't think it is wrong at all not to want it. Do you think if you give it back to him, he would be offended? I probably would tell him that although some people in the family would want that as a reminder, you'd feel better if he kept it for you for now. Maybe after some time passes you will feel differently about it and can ask to have it back. If you think he would be offended you could put it away somewhere that you don't have to see it or think about it until you are ready.
4 people like this
• United States
28 May 07
Yeah the approach could have been better. I think i should have had a choice or at least a minute to think about it. much thanks
3 people like this
28 May 07
what a horrible thing to have gone through and im so sorry. no i dont think your wrong for not wanting it, everyone deals with things differently and if your saying that its already alering your memories i would get rid of it now. u hve so much already to remember him by and you dont want to be looking at that thinking of sad times when they should be good. the shock may wear off and you may decide to keep it, maybe you should lock it away somewhere untill u have fully made up your mind. either way i hope that you come to your decision and that any pain that you are in will ease.
4 people like this
• United States
28 May 07
That's a great idea, because I would hate to get rid of it only to want it later. much thanks
2 people like this
@lpipe0240 (1162)
• United States
28 May 07
I think this is something you have to decide. It is like when someone is buired, do you go to their grave often or not? It would be along the same lines. I would suggest put the rock away. Somewhere you will not see it. Maybe a box of keep sakes and such you go through every once in a while. But visit his grave and talk to him about the good times you guys had. I hope things work out for you and your family. This has got to be a tough one to go through and then to relive it with the rock.
3 people like this
• United States
28 May 07
That's exactly it, i don't want it but i don't want to get rid of it either. much thanks
2 people like this
@lpipe0240 (1162)
• United States
28 May 07
Hope it all works out for you!
1 person likes this
@disvachic (10123)
• United States
29 May 07
I can understand your state of shock when he gave you the rock.We all have different ways to remember our love ones.Our family goes to the cementary and lay flowers,its really up to the person.I hope you find a way also.Maybe you will decide to keep the rock.
2 people like this
• United States
29 May 07
much thanks disvachic, you are a good friend=)
1 person likes this
• Canada
28 May 07
If you don't want the piece of rock, then don't keep it. It's better for you to remember your cousin as the wonderful person he was, and this bit of rock is obviously going to alter the way you think about him and remember him. Rather than throw it away though, why not put it somewhere safe, out of sight. If you throw it away, you MIGHT regret it later. It's not wrong of you to not want this rock. Everyone has different ways of remembering people and places, and we all have different memories. Not wanting the rock and the bad memories is perfectly normal and acceptable. Do what you feel is right for YOU.
2 people like this
• United States
29 May 07
A rock is a rock. Your memories of your cousin live on inside of you. The other memories in your family might need some physical reminder of who and what he was, or hold onto something that symbolizes their loss. You, however, don't need it or at least don't want it. You loved him dearly, and remember him as he was, and not as a stain on a random rock someone decided to hand you. to be honest if someone had tossed something like this on me i'd of probably beaned him in the head with it. The rock can only be a reminder of what you lost. If you need such a thing then by all means keep it, or lock it away somewhere. Me though, i'd rather have a physical object that represented his life, not his blood splattered all over. Hope that wasn't too um.. visual. If so my apologies.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 May 07
no your reply was fine. no need for apologies. i even broke a smile. you are very good at what you do. i see your very close to 100 posts. congrats=)
• United States
29 May 07
Aww thanks for the congratulationseses. I'll happily get my little tiny star that will probably say '1' the entire time im on mylot. .
1 person likes this
• United States
29 May 07
aww...now u must have faith:)
@Marie2473 (8523)
• Sweden
29 May 07
This just proves again that we are all different. What is good for one person might be bad for another. I suggest that u think this through and if you decide that u do not wanna keep it, than maybe put it in a place that only you know about - a place that he loved.. The beach - the ocean - the forest.. And that way you still know where it is - but u dont have it in your possession!
1 person likes this
• United States
29 May 07
thank you so much marie2473. that was wonderful advice, i never thought about it, but now i know what i'll do if i don't keep it.
@tim_un (355)
• Malaysia
29 May 07
I think if i will you, i will also feel sad and unhappy. But remember no one can espect the future is under our control. We have to learn to accept things that happen around us no matter how. Pray to god and hope you live in peace.
• United States
29 May 07
its just the matter of learning how. much thanks.
• United States
29 May 07
i can completely understand why you feel this way. If your cousin doesn't understand, then he is not being very sensitive towards you. He needs to understand that everyone handles things differently and some people need more time. Some people never get to the point where they could accept this piece of rock. HHonestly, i am unsure how i would feel. In some ways, i would really want that piece of rock. In other ways, i am not so sure i would handle it.
• United States
29 May 07
that's exactly how i feel, i have mixed emotions. i want it yet i don't. it sounds crazy but i have set across the room all day from this rock and just stare at it. like i have somekind of unexplainable curiosity. thanks
@reinydawn (11650)
• United States
29 May 07
Maybe you should just tuck it away somewhere??? I'm not sure how I would feel either, but I'd hate to get rid of it and want it later....
1 person likes this
• United States
29 May 07
exactly, thanks so much.
@sjohnson628 (3197)
• United States
3 Jul 07
I would not be okay with this either. I would feel the same way you do and want to remember him in a happier way. I think that is just totally morbid to give you a piece of the rock that he spent his last moments suffering on.