daughter dilema

United States
June 3, 2007 10:28pm CST
I have a daughter and love her with all my heart she had a baby at 15 and i have raised it since birth She did finish school and works almost everyday as a CNA and is going now to school for nursing assistance but now it is time for my grandaughter to go live with her my daughter says shes ready to be a mom now the baby is 5 now almost 6 so we are making the change as easy as possible the thing is everytime I make a surprise visit the house is a mess i dont just mean toys every where I mean fecus on the rug from the cat and dog dishes piled in the kitchen unwashed I check the fridge and not much in it My grandaughter keeps coming to me and saying they are mean to her and that they arent cooking for her and seems unhappy but when I ask them they say shes lying she also told me her mom doesnt give her medicine to her anymore she has alergies and adhd Im just confused beacause tho I love my daughter these are alot of the problems she had that I kepy the little one in the first place to her pizza ever night is a good supper and she doesnt understand the importance of spending time with with her I dont want to make her mad but I am thinking of telling her that shes not ready yet alrady my grandaughter has cut her hair herself wrote on her self and walked to the park herself with no one knowing It scares me to know they dont watch her close and she is a wonderer and explore 5 going on 25 you know What do you think is the right thing to do
4 people like this
14 responses
• United States
4 Jun 07
I think you need to sit your daughter down and have a very honest and open discussion with her. The situations you describe can be considered neglect, it could be enough for Child Protective Services to take the child away from your daughter. Better you be the one to step in and take the child back to a home and family she knows than to have the "officials" take over. You can explain to your daughter this is only a temporary move and is in everyone's best interest. You can work together to develop a plan and a timeline for the child to return to her mother. You said the child lives with your daughter but then talk about the behaviors of "them" and "they." Are these appropriate people for your granddaughter to be around? If not, then having your daughter find a new place to live could be a goal. You should also insist she attend parenting classes. I'm amazed that someone studying a health related field like nursing could turn a blind eye to the dangers of having animal feces lying on the floor. Good Luck!
• United States
4 Jun 07
them and they is because her boyfriend lives in the house with her I am just woried about protected services getting involed because right now I still have the custody paper on her we havent switched them over yet
@student7 (1002)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Don't switch the custody over. Your daughter needs to grow up. She isn't ready to be a mother. You are that child's mother. Just because she gave birth to her means that she is her mom. The person who bathed her, fed her, stayed up with her when she was sick, who shows genuine concern for her well being is her mother, and sweetey you are her mother.
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
4 Jun 07
If you are determined to have your grand daughter back then be prepared to lose your daughter in the fight. Otherwise you could wait to see if child protective services is called to rectify the situation. If you do have the granddaughter back, then take full custody and settle where she will be raised permanently. Sending her back and forth will be a strain, and three will always be this feeling on the mother's part of the grand daughter being disloyal by prefering to be with you, and / or telling you that she isn't being cared for as you cared for her. It is a terrible situation, but I think you are probably aware of everything I have said here. I wish you luck. This a situation where someone is going to lose and someone is going to feel betrayed. You just have to decide who it is going to be.
• United States
4 Jun 07
I know it is going to hurt my daughter thats why I let the little one go live with her in the first place because she was always getting upset that she bought a house big enough that baby could have her own room and a play room and we talked alot I told her how to fed her how to give her her meds and how to settle her down yet she calls me and has me talk to her when shes out of control or does something wrong She has taken a parenting class but just still doesnt seem to be ready to raise the little one even my mom and sister sees it they say little one just sint the same and totaly different with mom they say they have seen her hitting her mom and telling her that she hates her she never did this before and she doesnt when shes with me A friend said little one is the only kid that she has had thats stands at the door wanting grandma instead of mommy
• United States
7 Jun 07
It sounds like maybe she needs a parenting class. If things don't improve you might have to get DFS (or whatever it is called in your area) involved and hopefully that will be a wake up call to her. That is a hard situation.
• United States
5 Jun 07
Try to get gardianship of her, if you want too sweetie. If you feel up to raising her, go for it. Good luck honey.
@sweetdesign (5151)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I am so sorry you are in this tough situation. Hard as it may be you need to take your granddaughter back and tell her mom that she needs more time. Maybe offer to let her have her for short visits at a time. If anything were to happen to this precious child you would be devastated. Obviously your daughter still cannot manage to manage a home and her job and whatever social engagements she has and try to raise her child. Some people are never able to juggle it all. Some people can just live with these issues around them and it not affect them. Good luck to you.
@Savvynlady (3686)
• United States
4 Jun 07
A hard call, but to tell you true, i couldn't tell you what would be the right thing to do. But the main thing is the child herself; It don't seem as though she is happy with the mother and from what I can make out in your question, it don't sound like an habitable environment. I will say that when you sent her back, you sent her back with the expectation that is gonna be this good little momma and do the right thing. The reality is she isn't. A child needs help at present, and I think before you do anything, you should talk to your daughter first before you make any other decisions. I wish you peace in this because this isn't an easy one.
• United States
4 Jun 07
What a wonderful grandmother you are for doing what you have done. If I were you I would sit down and have a talk with your daughter and tell her you want to keep custody of your granddaughter and why. It might take her a while to understand your reasoning behind what you want to do but in the long run it will pay off for your granddaugher and her mother. The last thing she should want to happen is to have Child Youth Services come and take her daughter away. You need to watch out for your granddaugher and if the best thing for her is you then you will have to do that.
• Switzerland
4 Jun 07
Yes, you need to talk to your daughter. You cannot let your daughter to learn things practically, by experimenting on your grand daughter. Maybe, you can ask your daughter to first take care of her house properly and then he daughter. As you have mentioned, she needs to be more caring and homely.
• United States
4 Jun 07
Your situation is kind of difficult. Maybe the two of you need a mother-daughter conversation. I've learned therapeutic communication with people like your daughter in nursing school. Always start with saying something based on your observation. An example of this would be, "You seem upset" or "You sound angry today". With that kind of opening either she would spill out what is really bothering her or block it out right away. When she's able to say something though about her situation, try exploring it. By creating a clear view of what really is going on with her life and the people around her, that's the time you could ask her, "What are your plans to make things better?". If you see that her plans are quite vague, try saying this: "Do you want me to help you out?" The reason for this question is that you have to establish if she really wants you to help. But if not, well, I guess asking for real help would be best. I hope what I've just imparted can help you. I really don't know anything about parenting and guidance because I'm no parent, I'm just as old as your daughter. My friend is also going through the same thing. She would feel lost and confused at times. But a little bit of presence of friends and family somehow gives her relief from everything. God bless. :)
@student7 (1002)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Well you could offer a gentle suggestion of taking her for awhile while she finishes her nursing school and she knows what hours she will work. It would be easier for her to take that suggestion than just going up to her and telling her to get her act together. Maybe she needs just that a serious wake up call. Let her know that her lack of parental supervision will end up doing the same thing to her daughter. Tell her that you don't want to see your grandbaby having a baby at fifteen. Do you know that they take children away from situations like that? She could lose her daughter because of the feces and filth in the house. I am not an advocate on call child protective services, but if your daughter doesn't respond to the gentle talks and such, you may have to do just that. If that happens let them know that you will take her in a heart beat. You know that children don't usually lie about things like that. They are quite honest and they are looking for that adult figure that can make them feel safe. Trust what your granddaughter has to say. I, myself, am a parent. I had my first when I was ninteen and my second and last when I was 23. I trust what my babies have to say to me. We had to chew out a school because of what my daughter said the teacher did to students. Your precious grandbaby is looking to you to help her. If you have to take her out and file for custody of her then so be it. That precious little girl needs structure and it seems that your daughter can't handle to do it herself. You figure when she had her, she wasn't and adult yet and missed out on a lot of things that teens did. Do what you have to get her back in a safe environment. If you don't who knows what could happen out there. There are sickos that love to pick up children and do horrific things to them. Do it now or else if something does happen to her, then you will have to live with that guilt for the rest of your lives.
@navtech (1776)
• India
4 Jun 07
Hi, aninspiration, I saltute you for your doing all the things. You do not need anybody's advice. You are a great women. You know better than others what you should do.
@Sherry12 (2475)
• United States
4 Jun 07
What a tough situation you are in. Would it be possible for you to babysit while your daughter is working and maybe just start having your granddaughter with you more. With her working and going to school it might be too much for her having her daughter right now. If you could approach it in a way that it is helping your daughter, maybe she won't get mad.
@teenal (970)
• Ireland
4 Jun 07
What a terrible situation to be in. I do think that you must put the wellbeing of the child first and do something about this- but also be very carefull not to offend your daughter as she may stop you being involved at all. Perhaps anonymously report her and then come to the rescue when the social services come down on her. If she is working and studying its hard to raise a child at the same time. Perhaps offer her help in the house and with minding the child and then you can at leatst leave a good meal ready a few times a week and make sure the little one gets her medicine. Good luck to you whatever you dcide to do.
• United States
4 Jun 07
Your situation sounds difficult, but I think the best thing would be for you to keep your granddaughter a little longer, maybe you should also have your daughters home investigated. I know it sounds horrible, but from what you've mentioned, she is not taking care of her daughter, and she is not even trying to keep up her own home, and for the little girl to go off wandering alone is dangerous enough. Take that little girl back, tell your daughter that she needs to get her act together and start being a mother to her little girl, but until she is ready to do so, you will keep the child. I think that may be one of the best things to do at this point. I really hope things turn out well for you. I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts.