LOST: Where did the "love" go???...AND, ...WHERE do I go from HERE?????

United States
June 7, 2007 10:42am CST
Have u ever asked yourself these 2 questions? I have! And, 4 quite some time now! My "passion", since I was 18 years old, has been MUSIC! I started pursuing it as a CAREER shortly after high school. I was going at it STRONG, 4 the 1st 7 years. I was in 2 different groups within a year and a half, then I did it solo 4 a hot minute, and then I was in ANOTHER group (a duo) 4 about 5 years. I had many "ups and downs", and throughout the process, the direction of the music changed, 2 where I got AWAY from not only what kind of music I wanted 2 make, but I "lost" some of MYSELF in the process! When all was said and done, and things DIDN'T "pan out" the way I'd expected, I was devastated, frustrated, confused, depressed, and disillusioned! I tried 2 do it solo again, but it never felt right, being on the stage alone. I always composed music on the SIDE (that had NOTHING 2 do with the groups I was in, and it didn't really "fit" the "mold" of what we were doing), because I've been blessed with the "gift", and I've always gravitated 2-wards it. I feel like I didn't really "choose" music, but rather, it "chose" ME, because I had NO INTENTIONS of pursuing it after high school. I actually didn't know WHAT I was gonna do! So, I'd signed up 2 go 2 college during the next spring semester, because I didn't wanna start right away, and I just worked "odd" jobs in the meantime. But, when my financial aid didn't "pan out", I realized that my "desire" was NOT really there, so I never tried 2 raise the money 2 go any other way. Between the time I left high school, and I was "supposed" 2 start college, I "fell into" music, hookin' up with some guys from my high school, who said they were starting a group, and did I wanna be a part of it. I said YES, and once I got deeper into it, and college wasn't happening, b-4 I knew it, I was fully engrossed! Fast 4-ward...7 years LATER, after my last group ended, I spent a good decade doing ALOT of soul-searching, and even though I continued 2 compose and record (instrumentals, that is), I didn't know what 2 do with it. And, even though I still loved (and still "love") music, quite often, I'd get BORED and RESTLESS, when I'd record my compositions, or practice my keyboard playing. I started researching alternative career paths, about 3 years AFTER my 1st 7 years of doing music, but NOTHING was "calling my name", so 2 speak. I DID experiment with acting 4 a hot minute as well (a few months after my initial 7 years in music), and I discovered I was pretty good (according 2 the crowd responses), but I didn't have that PASSION 4 it 2 PROPEL me in pursuing it RELENTLESSLY! Now, 2-day, I'm at a "crossroads"! I have over 400 music compositions (instrumentals), but I don't know what 2 do with them, or if I'm even "supposed" 2 do anything with them! I realize that just because u're talented in something, DOESN'T necessarily mean that it's your "calling" in life! But, I remember writing down that I wanted 2 be a musician, at age 5, which I didn't even REMEMBER, until I'd found an old Dr. Seuss book that I had, and in the section where it asks "What do u wanna be when u grow up?", I'd written that! So, I took THAT as an INTUITIVE "sign" that this WAS my DESTINY! I still "love" music, but because of my past experiences (which have left me jaded and disillusioned), there is always a "dark cloud" hovering over it, when I think about the BUSINESS side of it. CREATIVELY, I have no problems whatsoever! But, I've NEVER been good at the PURSUING, the MARKETING, the PROMOTING part! When I was in groups, my group members handled THAT side of things, because it was NEVER MY forte'! So, my question is...where did the "love" go? Why do I get bored and restless, with something that I CLAIM 2 "love"? Why was I given the "gift" in the 1st place? Why did it "choose" me? Why didn't things "pan out" in those groups, or solo? Why is NOTHING ELSE really "drawing me in"? Have any of u ever felt this way in YOUR life? Have u ever held on 2 something, because u SAY u "love" it, yet u DON'T feel that "spark" anymore? Have u ever LOST your PASSION 4 what U "love"? If so, I'd love 2 hear your story! How did U feel? Did u find ANOTHER passion? If so, HOW? And, did u CHOOSE your passion, or did it "choose" U? In life, what do U do, when u KNOW u "need" 2 do SOMETHING, yet u DON'T know WHAT 2 do??? If u've NEVER felt LOST, then I'm not interested in hearing about THAT! I wanna know who's been where I've been, and where I AM! Please, enlighten me!
2 responses
• Philippines
7 Jun 07
I think the love is just there. Buried and needs to be duggeg. However, when we start neglecting this case, love may just evaporate and the chances of rekindling it would be very small. When you feel like you are losing love, do something at once to rekindle the fire lest, it will be harder.
• United States
7 Jun 07
Yeah, I agree with u, hersmart4ever! I think my "fire" IS just "buried", underneath all of the PAIN! I'm not quite sure HOW 2 "rekindle" it, but I'll keep trying! Thank u 4 responding!
1 person likes this
@gardengrrl (1445)
• United States
7 Jun 07
When I've lost passion for something, it usually has to do with the depression I've been dealing with since puberty. That doesn't sound like your situation. Perhaps if you do something to put you in touch with children who are as you once were, full of wonder and curiosity and passion to learn, it would help you to find a spark again. Maybe you could be part of a group that works to bring music ed to poor kids? One of the worst things about our schools today is that there's seldom any money for arts ed in financially troubled districts. ALso, maybe you could start a side gig teaching your instrument? I know the business side of creativity is a drag, but if you were able to succeed in a small tutoring business, it might give you a foundation to build on with finding a way to market your compositions. You're bored and restless because it sounds like your gift is enhanced by jamming with others. Some people's gift is a solitary pursuit, but not yours. At the same time, it doesn't sound like just gigging in some tavern in Podunk is going to stimulate you, either. Not sure how to fix that, but one thing at a time, right? Have you ever been to Lulu.com? It's a self-publishing site for musicians, maybe you'll find some inspiration there. http://www.lulu.com Good luck, don't give up!
• United States
8 Jun 07
I appreciate your well thought out response, gardengrrl! I actually think that I MAY have some depression from my childhood that is playing a part in all of this. I'm still soul searching 2 understand, FULLY, though. Thank u 4 your suggestions. I'll ponder them ALL!
1 person likes this