Choosing Friends

@zandi458 (27952)
Malaysia
June 7, 2007 11:09am CST
Do you scrutinize your son's or daughter's friends? I have been worried of my 13 years old daughter who hangs around with a negative group of kids her age. I have put her in a boarding school and lately she cheated her way out to stay in her friend's house. The matron called me up when she found out. Upon checking with my daughter, she admitted she went to sleep in her roommate's house. Her girlfriends get in trouble in school and I fear that she'll be influenced. How can I help her avoid these type of friends?
5 people like this
19 responses
@happymom1 (1179)
• United States
7 Jun 07
I think if that happened to my son i will give him a lot of advises and give lots of example to people who experience such thing. I will tell also whats the result of all they did. Just love her and take care of her i think if she very love by parents and give lots of attention she will understand why parents wants their children not going to bad friends. Its really common in society especially teenagers influence from their peers. Hope she will listen to you i know you are a good mom and a parent.
2 people like this
• Philippines
7 Jun 07
you are definitely a good mom to your daughter to be worrying this much about her, i agree with happymom on htis point. i know that you can never give up on disciplining your children properly. keep on talking to your daughter each time. it will be giving you the desired fruits of your hard work on this. your daughter will slowly understand why you do not want her to hang out with 'problematic' friends.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
I love my daughter even she is not my bilogical daughter. Its all the same.
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
7 Jun 07
Need to find out if its the all the girls she likes to hang out with or just one and if they are after boys shes 13 and they do look. And public school might be better for her but tell her to pick one good friend that dosent get in trouble and bring her over to see you or stay the night where you get to meet her or even maybe all the friend see why they get into trouble why are they wanting that kind of attention. It maybe something you can help them with so that they will be fit to hang out with your girl. Mine could never stay at anyones house they all had to come to ours and we aould al set around and talk . Then later my youngest son started bringing his freinds over and all of a sudden I might have wal to wall kids asleeping over night on the floor.but not mixed girls one time the boys the next. And we got alot talked out and most of them were great kids just no adult would listen to them/
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
Well, I don't see any reason not to have many friends but because of behavorial problems my daughter is banned from mixing around with them. She has mixed friends of boys and girls.
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
7 Jun 07
I have had the same problem with my daughter choosing the worng friends to hang around with. Those kids stay in trouble and she is easily influenced by them. She is now 15 years old and I won't let her go hang out with just anyone. I always make those kids come here so I can meet them and their parents first and if it doesn't work, I put a stop to it fast.
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
Children are too young to see the good and bad behavior of their friends. What you're doing is good for your daughter.
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
10 Jun 07
Yes. I agree with you also on this. Sheis too blind to see that the friends she chooses, are really not her friends at all. They get into alot of trouble and they lead her down the wrong path. As long as she is under my care, I will not let her hang around them and I will try to keep her on the right path. I think it is the best thing for her also.
@kumarravi (145)
• India
10 Jun 07
If you think that your child is having wrong friends firstly try to approach with there parents and tell them not a mingle there child with your child. If there is no response then shout at the wrong behaved children not to have friendship with your child. If not just silently send your child to more far place by which the wrong friends cannot reach their and vice versa.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
I cannot tell teach others not to befriend my daughter. It is my daughter inviting them to hang around. So the sinner is my daughter. I have not choice but to ban her from having friends here and let her live with the nuns so she can be spiritually coached.
@venshida (4837)
• United States
8 Jun 07
That's tough question, I think most kids rebel at certain age, and as they mature they change. You just have to keep the line of communication open.
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
I am always open to communication with her.
• Philippines
8 Jun 07
Yes we have to scrutinize their friends but we have to do this discreetly. I'm sorry to say but at 13 you are not your son's priority. This is the friend stage where the peers are more influential than the parents. The more you push his friends away, the more he will despise you. My nephew's also 13 and he despises his mom for nagging him a lot. I balance things off by being his friend. I try to talk to him about his life, his friends, his school experience. If I sense something wrong with his company then I give him advices but I don't reprimand him because I don't want him to loose his trust in me. My advice for you is be his friend in such a way that he will learn to trust in you. This is not as easy as it sounds but you just have to be very patient. This is just a stage in life.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
I agree with you that being 13 is being in a rebellious stage of growing up. I hope she can overcome it.
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
8 Jun 07
Well, I kind of do. It's always at the back of my mind. She had okay friends in primary school, some better than others. Since she has ben in high school for 18 months, she has chosen excellent rfriends. I am really pleased. Even her first boyfriend is well brought up & sensible. All I can think of for your daughter, is to increase her self esteem & teach her to be strong. She needs to feel strong so as not to be influenced by the negative friends. I am not sure if being in a boarding school helps, as yiou have less personal control over her life. If you had her living at home, could you send her to a good day school?
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
I am confident that I have placed her in good hands, the nuns are giving her spiritual counselling and this seems to work well with her. Last school holiday I fetched her home to find a new person in her.
• United States
8 Jun 07
I'm a parent of 3 teens. My son has had times when he has made poor choices in friends also and for the most part while I've made it clear he won't be hanging around them to GO places, I know that it's unrealistic to think I can stop him. What I've done is to make sure I reiterate what we believe in and how we act in this family. When I see something that one of these kids has done, for example one shoplifted at the mall when my son was with him but my son luckily wasn't RIGHT with him but in the store at another area, I make sure I point out how lucky he was that HE wasn't with him because he can be guilty by association. In the end he realized how true it was and how much it could hurt his future. He still sometimes picks people I would really prefer he's NOT friends with but I am certain that the bigger stink I make, the more he wants to be their friend. It's in their nature as teens.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
It only makes matters worse if we try to force friendships on a teenager, the result is almost always rebellion.
@butterfly39 (3907)
• Philippines
7 Jun 07
Sometimes we can't hold everything what our kid's wants. 13 is too young to put her in a dormitory since they have to follow the rules. They always wanted to get out and have fun with some friends. Tell your daughter everything that would make her a better person. Let her now her limitations, she's too young and she still needs your guidance.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
It has gone out of my control and that is my last solution for her to turn to a new person as keeping her at home will see her being tutored by her friends to rebel against me. I am quite strict so her friends never like me.
@djbtol (5498)
• United States
7 Jun 07
Parents are often put into this tough situation. The lessons have taught parents that we are all influenced by others. They want so much for their teens to have the wisdom to see the same thing. One way to limit the bad influences is by authoritarian dictates. That may not work when dealing with teens. More importantly, if that is the only reason the teen avoids negative influences, they will not have learned anything. The best you can do now is to have a heart to heart talk to help your daughter see the negative. Try to find out why she is drawn to this negative crowd. Does she think she needs them as friends? Are these the only friends she has. Part of the answer may be to increase opportunities with some good influences. Hopefully she will see the benefit of thsoe relationships. If you have a relationship with God, certainly pray. He directs hearts and circumstances. djbtol
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
When I lost control of my daughter's behavior I prayed so hard for an answer. My prayer was answered. The idea came bright infront of me to send her to a convent where she be spiritually guided. Eversince she is there she had totally changed her bad behavior and so much into praying now.
@BROWNEYEZ (448)
• United States
7 Jun 07
private school does not always mean that you are going to raise a saint. it very hard. you have to forbide her from people that will only make her bad. as the old saying goes you are who you hang with. as parents we are always going to be the bad guy were not here to be are kids best friend we are to do in are power to make them better then half the people in this world. she will have times she wont like you and not want to talk to you for awhile but just as i was when i was her age when i grew up i thank my parents for being stricked. i would not put my kid in a boarding school for the reason she is not were i can see her and what she is up to. i would put her in a private school becuase its a less of a bad influence then public school and while shes living in my house if she breaks the rule there punishment at here age she want to go hang out with her friends and go skating or two sleep over stuff like that and when they cant do that and have to be stuck in the house for a week with only a book in there face trust me they think twice.
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
I send her to a convent where I expect more strict religious upbringing. She needs spiritual healing as she is hard headed and out of my control. She comes back during school holidays. The last time she came back I've seen great changes in her but I still cannot trust her to be at home cos I just wanted to cut her off from the many bad hats around the neighbourhood.
1 person likes this
@latsmom (824)
7 Jun 07
Unfortunately at this age no matter how much we shout and scream at our children so they do not make mistakes we and others have made they will still need to learn for themselves by making their own mistakes, rather than lecturing her or demanding she does something try telling her of your eexperiences and those of freinds, people she can relate to, the more you push her the less she will talk to you adn tell you if she does get herself into trouble or needs your advice, be open and honest with her but give he rroom to make her own mistakes.
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
Children of this age is very very stuborn. It is their rebellious age. It is better to knock my head on the bricks wall then getting her to listen to me. She won't. She is really testing my patience up to the maximum.
• Philippines
7 Jun 07
i do scrutinize the friends of my children. i am very strict on this regard. i do not want bad influence to be causing me headaches which will be more than i can handle after sometime. your daughter is at her most critical years. i can still remember that during this age, i found it hardest to deal with my daughter. i had to show her that i am firm in my decisions and there is no way that she can cross my rules. there was a friend who had the temerity to show me that she can handle me. i literally, had to drag her out of my house and told her that she is banned from coming back to our house. as for your daughter, you will have to think of a way to be able to effect upon her a good way of discipline. i am inclined to think that having placed your daughter in a boarding school, is no easy thing to do for the parents just so as to get the child away from those bad friends. you will have to talk to your daughter tirelessly from time to time to make her understand about the need to be taking her straight ways.
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
Out of choice I have to send her away to a convent where she be under spiritual mentoring. I hope she can come out to be a new person.
@sukumar794 (5047)
• Thiruvananthapuram, India
7 Jun 07
Children - they are to be taught how to select and keep friends because things in these days are not always as they seem to be . Whether the ultimate choice of selection is on the son/daughter concerned, parents can definitely play a role in advising them to be very careful in selecting and keeping friends for themselves .
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
Most of us have some questionable friends when we were kids and we survived..chances are good that your daughter/son will too. Nowadays circumstances are much different from yesteryears, children's friends should be under parents surveillance.
@aprilgrl (4460)
• United States
7 Jun 07
Have you tried talking to her? She will learn her own mistakes. I was worried about my daughter when she was younger and she had a friend that I didn't really care about but she knew that person was wrong to hang around with adn I am glad that she knew that she wasn't a right friend.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
Kids can benefit from even the most ill-advised friendshps. Sometimes the only way to learn how to choose good friends is to have a few bad one along the way.
• United States
7 Jun 07
We have less influence than we'd like as our kids get older, and if she's at boarding school, you have even less. I won't forbid my children to have certain friends, but I will give them more or less freedom depending on who they are with. I plan to welcome all their friends into our home, but some homes my kids won't be allowed to go to. My kids will also have to be trustworthy to have the privelege of going out with friends.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
I have always been told that as kids get older, rules like choosing friends become less necessary.
• United States
7 Jun 07
by being more of a friend to her yourself sending her away to school is hardly sending her a message that you want her arround!
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
Thats the only way to prevent her from turning bad to worse. I want changes but my method does not bring result so the only option I have is to send her to the convent to get spiritual guidance.
@tredale (1313)
• Australia
7 Jun 07
If I new the answer I would tell you but I think you have to trust youve given your children enough morals to make the right decision. I think children need guidance and love and by not pushing there friends away and let them make that decission has worked well here. My children have the right to be friends with who ever they like but under my roof. If the other child is a bad seed my children have always got rid of them.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 07
There is an old proverb that says "Birds of a feather flock together" It is better to have friends who are well behave, who we can identify with in some way.
• United States
7 Jun 07
I have a 13 yr old son that was constantly getting into trouble not only by me, but with the law. I banned him from all of his friends that were a bad influence. I know you shouldn't pick your kids friends, but if your kid gets into trouble because he/she is a follower and not a leader then I think it is ok. Since I have done this we have not had anymore police knocking on our door. As far as teaching her to avoid those kind of kids you have to teach her what is right and wrong. Which I am sure you have done. Talking to her is the best solution and giving her choices to make. The way I finally got my son to listen was when him and his friends got into trouble with the law and the blame was put all on my son as the other kids walked away free. I told him if they were your friends they would have stuck by you and took the blame also and not left you alone. Your daughter is at that age though where she is maturing. Kids this age struggle with everything as they want to fit in. My son has already tried smoking, marijana, and huffing. I never thought he would do any of those things. Good Luck....you have a rough road ahead! ;)