Why do men always have a new woman lined up before they leave current one?

United States
June 8, 2007 9:56am CST
Maybe it is just that I have only seen a narrow view, but every man I have known as a friend, coworker, or been involved with, has had a new fling going - someone waiting in the wings before he makes the move to leave current wife or girlfriend. Why is that? Does it mean if no one else takes him (or UNTIL someone wants him) he will just stay and be unhappy with current woman? Is the same true for women? Personally I have never left a man for another man, ever, but they all claimed that was the reason I left. What are your thoughts or experiences?
7 people like this
25 responses
@EvanHunter (4028)
• United States
8 Jun 07
I think the same can be said for alot of women. I myself, personally think people either are afraid of being alone or they always think they need the feeling of new love in their life to feel excitement. I have always found it better to stick it out and to really get to know the person you are with. Totally off subject but I seen you are from Ionia, my Ex grew up about 20 miles north of there.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Jun 07
Hi Evan, I am not "from" here, just landed here a couple years ago, but that is coincidental to meet you on MyLot and your ex lived 20 miles north (Greenville?)... Thank you for your response. I don't have many female friends, not close ones anyway, so I can't say I have seen a woman line up the next man before she leaves the first...though I am sure it must happen, as others have mentioned too.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 07
Actually, I've known women who are like this as well. I don't believe it's gender specific. Having someone ELSE "lined up", 4 ANYONE, is just a convenient way of NEVER having 2 be ALONE, and deal with whatever is going on inside of u. The fact that the men u've known will stay in an UNHAPPY relationship, just shows that they are INSECURE, and don't have the COURAGE 2 leave something that is UNFULFILLING 4 them! There could be a VARIETY of reasons 4 this! They could be afraid 2 be alone, as I said, because we live in a couples-oriented society, so people, in general, feel better having a mate, 4 IMAGE-sake! It gives people a FALSE sense of self confidence. Also, people that never like 2 be WITHOUT a mate, are afraid of facing the pain WITHIN THEMSELVES, so they make sure that they are ALWAYS "occupied", so that they never have 2 deal with their internal issues. But, this NEVER works, because the SAME PROBLEMS end up emerging in the NEW relationship, which, of course, will cause them 2 "line up" someone ELSE new, and on and on! It's a vicious cycle/circle! The only way OUT of this "maze" is 2 BE ALONE 4 a while, in between relationships, 2 give yourself a chance 2 understand your OWN behavior and motivations, how U CO-CREATED the situations with your former mates (it's NEVER about BLAMING, but instead, about being ACCOUNTABLE 4 your OWN actions), and 2 HEAL! Otherwise, even if u don't realize it, that emotional "baggage" from each previous relationship will just be carried into each NEW relationship, and nothing will ever change! The "common denominator" in every relationship that u have is U! So, constantly going from person 2 person won't solve anything, and won't make u happy, until your own personal issues are resolved, so that u can ATTRACT someone DIFFERENT! It's all about going WITHIN 4 solutions, instead of always looking OUTSIDE of ourselves!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 07
Wow, huge response! :) I do wish that all men could read this and learn how they are repeating their behavior, and how odd it looks from the outside to secure women who are accustomed to being alone for years at a time - especially when they are saying "well I am unhappily married but I am very attracted to you and would like to date you", ROFL - yeah, like THAT will happen...LOL. You almost want to ask them, "why?, so you're bases are covered until you get bored with me too or until you see something you want even more than your latest conquest?" Thank you for your opinion.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 07
My pleasure, DesigningLife! Of course, u know that everyone who's ALONE isn't necessarily "secure" either! But, I DO understand the point u're making! It's been said that whatever u want in a mate, or HOWEVER u want them 2 be, U have 2 BE that yourself, 1st, 'cuz "like attracts LIKE", and everybody, and everyTHING is ENERGY, and there-4, energy ONLY resonates with LIKE energy! Secure and insecure DON'T attract each other! Like u mentioned, if the woman IS secure, then she will NOT be attracted 2 that INSECURE man who's propositioning her! She'll basically LAUGH at his AUDACITY, more than likely! And, of course, it's vice versa as well, if the WOMAN is the insecure 1 in the equation! Like the old saying goes, "We don't attract what we want, but rather, we attract WHO WE ARE"!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 07
That makes a lot of rational sense. Now I am wondering why it seems that we are almost "at odds" in another discussion and seem to be getting along fine here...(smile) The beauty of the computerized conversation I suppose (it can leave much to be desired in the way of properly interpreting someone's meanings). At any rate, I much prefer the "getting along" scenario. Have a great evening.
1 person likes this
@eaforeman6 (8983)
• United States
8 Jun 07
women are much braver about being on their own nowdays. I think to start another relationship before the bed is cold with the first one is a cop out.. Miight be surprised to find out how many men are truly afraid of being alone.....
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 07
eaforeman, I agree it is a cop out, no matter which gender is lining up the next victim before they are finished with the first. Thank you for your response.
1 person likes this
@pallidyne (858)
• United States
8 Jun 07
You say this as if it is something gender specific, because you are a woman and it is happening to you. I used to be in this same boat. In one case I had an GF break up with me and elope the next week with someone she'd apparently been seeing for several months. In fact I have never been anything other than the dumpee in a breakup. There are some bad people out there and some good and trusting people. You seem to be the good and trusting type, which means you are going to get screwed until you meet someone who is really good for you. Good luck, and remember, guys might be dogs, but some of us are cute and cuddly puppies!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 07
PS, thank you for showing me there really are men out there who actually have hearts and think with their brains. :) I am sorry to hear about your story with GF. That must have really stung!
1 person likes this
• Canada
8 Jun 07
They do this because they are pigs. Men that treat women like that have no respect for women and don't know how to really care for someone. I do know some women that have done this to men as well and same goes for them. Men need to grow some balls and do something if they are unhappy then say so and get over it don't wait for another woman to come along.
• United States
8 Jun 07
Thank you for your post. I agree with some of your points, though I don't know if I would put it so harshly, lol. At any rate, I am SO SICK of hearing that "men are wired differently" so please just excuse their immoral behavior when they act like they are dogs in heat sniffing out the next chance to procreate.
1 person likes this
@carolscash (9500)
• United States
17 Jul 07
I think men and women both do this either as a way to show that they can have more than one person or due to the fact that they have a fear of being alone. It is sad that we can't just be happy with ourselves and not have to have someone to love us to be happy. I am thankful that I have a husband who loves me and treats me with a great deal of respect!
• United States
17 Jul 07
Yes, you are lucky...and so is he. Smiles, DL
@academic2 (7010)
• Uganda
16 Jul 07
Simple and pure social sciences Designinglife, you must be a really insane person to jump away from warm arms to the cold! Truth is, either the arm you are in is not holding you right, or another arm is trying to promise you the kind of warmth that you were only dreaming about from a distance-that is how naive we men and women in relationship can be sometimes,it is not just a men thing, it catches us all- we are driven by the pleasure of serial relationships, we want always to conquer the whole Kingdom of Love,we end burning our hands and moving in circles, sometimes we discover too late that the one we left was after all the real thing-some become too shy to swallow their pride and go back to square one, others see sense and like the prodigal son, get on their knees ask their previous partners to let them back into the sway! That is life buddy, it not just a men thing, somewomen do just that!
• United States
17 Jul 07
Wow, what a poetic reponse! Thank you for sharing your take on things. Yes, I don't deny that women do this too...I only said that I don't know any personally - only men.
• Brazil
12 Jul 07
It is our natural behavior =) We can't just stop in the time when we know that our girlfriend will leave us
• United States
14 Jul 07
LOL torradalouca! Cute response, thank you for posting. Smiles, DL
@tombiz (2039)
• Philippines
11 Jul 07
Of course, not all men are like this. But for those who do, they are all bunch of insecured and low ego animals. They really have no respect for women. And they deserved to be thrashed all over and be left behind in the Pacific Ocean swimming all along.
• United States
14 Jul 07
Kudos for your response tombiz. I regret that I have not known men personally with your outlook. Smiles, DL
• Philippines
9 Jun 07
well, based on experiences, one reason of marital breakage is leaving a partner with another men/women. But this is not a primary reason of broken relationship and there are other few reasons..Leaving a current relationship has its personal reason. and i believe that you have your own too.. You should not be suprised if they claimed that the reason you have left is because of another men..Maybe its a fad nowadays that if you left a relationship, the main reason is that..So you should not be able be affected by what people may say because that is expected..and its happening nowadays. Just ignore that cause they dont know the true reason why you left in that relationship..smile and be happy..
• United States
10 Jun 07
Thank you for the kind words yspeak. Looking back, I think the reason each of them thought I was leaving for "another man" is because they were all cheaters - every one of them. That was my mistake I guess...ending up with men who all cheated, I mean.
@student7 (1002)
• United States
9 Jun 07
I think that those sorts of men are idiots. They go through women like they are Kleenex. They are committment phobic and want to mess around with as many women as they can handle. I think that a lot of men are insecure and don't want to committ to a relationship.
• United States
14 Jul 07
Hehe, great response! I don't think I've even used as much Kleenex in the past 20 years combined as some of the guys I know have used women.
• Pakistan
9 Jun 07
Get to know - Do you know and do u like him.
The reason is that one should always be ready and should do some future planning lolzzz because if you left your old girl friend one should have some alternative right away and should not waste time to search for new :) because time is money ;)
• United States
10 Jun 07
LOL Billa, I got a kick out of your response. :)
• India
9 Jun 07
Hi!All not like that some person so good like me we make friendship with us itreally good and it will go untill my life end .are you interseted to friends with me.Tell what happened in your life share it with me please.
• United States
14 Jul 07
Of course I will be your friend! I agree with you...not ALL are like that among men or women. I was only stating that all the men in real life situations (not on Internet) in my life as friends, coworkers and partners were that way. MyLot would have to buy additional bandwidth for me to explain some of what has happened in my past, AND, all of it was long, long ago...I am just making conversation here. Smiles, DL
@KissThis (3006)
• United States
9 Jun 07
I have to say that I have seen more of this kind of behavior from females then I have seen from males. Although I think my theory can be be used for both sexes. There are just some people in the world who are insecure enough to need to know that there someone else out there for them before they will leave an unhappy relationship. I have had several good friends who waited till they had someone else on the side before they ended the relationship with the person they were currently with. Explaining to me that they wanted to make sure that someone else out there wanted them. I don't feel that it is right for anyone to do this to their partner. If they want out of a relationship they should be mature enough to end the old one before starting a new one.
• United States
14 Jul 07
Very well said! Thank you so much for your insightful response. Smiles, DL
@ESKARENA1 (18299)
9 Jun 07
there are a lot of immature men and immature women who do this. It is just they have not made their mind up about what they want and in my opinion deserve to be slung out of the gene pool blessed be
• United States
14 Jul 07
HA! YES, I like that..."slung out of the gene pool!" Thank you for your comments.
• Saint Vincent And The Grenadines
9 Jun 07
I think you're being utterly unfair. I always read comments like these here...women saying men are this, men do that etc. If us men did the same, a troop of women would be replying here calling us sexist or something worse. I don't know why people always make general categories about human behaviours depending on the gender. I am sure many men behave like that, yes, but many women too, and i know cases to back it up. Hate, selfishness, love, envy...all those are human feelings, not just masculine, so i think it's unfair to just say that MEN are this or that.
• United States
14 Jul 07
Thank you for your comments. I never said that "JUST men do this or that thing". I said that "ALL the men I have personally known in any capacity in real life"...the description I gave is true for all of the men I have known as close coworkers, friends, and partners. Why does it bother you if people have had particular experiences with men (who aren't you) and then discuss the experiences and ponder the reasoning behind it? Anyway, if I recall, you've responded to another similar topic stating that you had experienced the opposite truth about some women you knew being unfaithful and it was an insightful answer. I'm sorry that you feel threatened by people discussing their own experiences with the men they have personally known.
@maryannemax (12172)
• Sweden
9 Jun 07
whenever i tried to break up with my boyfriends (exes now) before, they always suspect me to having another boyfriend which was actually very untrue. and i hate it when they say that it's me who's cheating when it's actually them. most of my exes break up with me because of third party... yup.. they found another woman who they say is better than me. ofcourse, it's difficult to accept the truth at first. but i need to let them go. even if i beg them to stay, they will not listen because they already have a "replacement"... hurts, huh? but true for most men... anne
• United States
14 Jul 07
Yes, me too...whenever I left a relationship, the man I was leaving could not even fathom that there was NOT anyone replacing him. It was completely illogical to them and they could not wrap their minds around the FACT that I was leaving them for MYSELF and my kid's well-being ONLY, and that I would be, GASP "Alone!" LOL, Thanks for the comments, DL
• United States
9 Jun 07
I think it is totally insecurity..or maybe they think the grass is greener on the other side..but usually they regret it in the end
@maryannemax (12172)
• Sweden
9 Jun 07
maybe, insecurity, too.. that they will leave us first before we do. plus, they already have someone in replace for us. haha! what a fact. and some of my exes did really regret leaving me for another woman. and returned to me. and fool as i was back then, i gave him another chance. the relationship did not kept on too long since he cheated again. gosh... i hate cheaters!... anne
@jodz81 (8)
• Australia
9 Jun 07
I found out the hard way with this one..i was the girlfriend who had no idea her boyfriend was seeing someone secretly behind my back:( We had broken up once before and we had only been back together a month when he started getting secretive text messages on his phone etc.Unfortunately for him i was too smart for him and refuse to be made a fool of so i sent a text to the girl pretending to be my boyfriend saying i couldnt meet up with her because i was spending time with my girlfriend and the next morning i dumped his sorry butt so i have no idea if he ended up sad and lonely without anyone or just didnt give a damn and moved on to the next girl.I absolutely detest men who think its perfectly ok to have a woman on the side, especially when ive experienced it myself.Pigs!
• United States
14 Jul 07
HA, I love it! Thank you for sharing. ;)
• Philippines
11 Jul 07
This question is very interesting. But frankly speaking, not all men are like this and sad to say, there are women who already have boys in line before dumping the current BF. I think some people do it for security. Some people cannot stand it with out having a partner and sometimes, its just that while the relationship is on going, they would meet someone with whom they will have interest. It may look like planned at first but the truth is that there are some cases where its not intended. There are some people who just realize they cannot fool their present partner, trying to pretend they still love them while the truth is that they are already in love with someone else.