would you tell your man what his mother said about him if it was bad???

Undecided... - this is a face of an undecided person LOL
United States
June 9, 2007 9:34pm CST
Okay my man and his mother havent been gettin along that great these past few years, so when she calls my house she always talks to me and then she rambles on about how her son is doing this wrong and that wrong BUT the problem Im having is she doesnt tell her son none of this. Anyways today she called and was saying things about him and he was in the same room as me so after our conversation ended he asked me what she had said about him and I told him nothing, he obviously knew I was lying because he heard the answers I was giving her so now he is being a pain in the butt asking me what she said. I dont want to cause anymore friction between them and I dont think its right that there putting me in the middle of it. So my question to all of you is..Would you tell your man what his mother said about him even if it was bad?? Have you ever been in this situation or do you have any advice..I would love to hear everyones response because I dont know what to do.
1 person likes this
16 responses
• United States
10 Jun 07
Hey Christyl, I know how it feels 2 be caught "in the middle" like this. I haven't had a woman's parent saying bad things about her 2 ME, but I HAVE had a friend's girlfriend tell me things about him that weren't so nice, and I almost felt like I was BETRAYING him by even LISTENING 2 what she had 2 say! But, in THAT situation, she told me these things "behind his back", so I didn't have the same issue as u, as far as him overhearing the conversation from MY end of things. It was "tough", because, on the 1 hand, I felt like I should've told her 2 STOP telling me all of those things, but on the OTHER hand, I AGREED with ALOT of what she had 2 say, because I had the SAME issues with him, 4 the most part! So, I feel your pain! I've been in the "middle" b-4, in OTHER situations as well, as far as a friend or mate saying things about a family member, that weren't so "nice", but, once again, I felt the SAME WAY about my family member, even though the OTHER part of me felt like I had 2 "defend" them! But, when I've been in a relationship, I've pretty much been OPEN about most things, so if I were in YOUR situation, I WOULD tell him EXACTLY what his mother has been saying, as WELL as tell him how u feel about being caught in the "middle", and how u don't appreciate that, and how UNFAIR that is, and that he needs 2 work out his issues with his mother on his OWN! I would also tell his mother that I don't appreciate being in the "middle", and that SHE needs 2 tell him how she feels DIRECTLY! I know it's MUCH easier SAID than DONE, but remember, u DO have some CONTROL in the situation! His mother CAN'T tell u ANYTHING, unless u WILLINGLY LISTEN 2 her! U can't control how SHE behaves, NOR HIM, but u have COMPLETE CONTROL over your OWN behavior, and there-4, u can simply NOT PARTICIPATE when his mother decides she's gonna start "venting" 2 u! THAT part is all on U! I know it's hard! When my friend's girlfriend told me those things about HIM, I never told him! But, I think it's very DIFFERENT, when it's your MATE, and u LIVE with them! PLUS, the fact that he already knew u were talking 2 her on the phone, I would just "come clean"! Now, if she'd said these things 2 u when he WASN'T around, then u could probably keep it from him (though, I probably still WOULDN'T)! But, u'd probably STILL wanna let her know that u DON'T feel comfortable having her "dump" her issues with HIM onto U, seeing as u have 2 deal with her on a regular basis! If u only saw her, or heard from her, every "blue moon", then it might not be a "pressing" concern 2 address this, but since that's NOT the case, I think it IS! U just have 2 "choose your battles"! I have a rule 4 MYSELF, that if someone's NOT really a part of my EVERYDAY life, and I RARELY c them, or HEAR from them, then I can let MOST of what they say just "roll off of my back"! BUT, if they affect my life on a CONSISTENT BASIS, then I need 2 address the issue "head on"! When I have a MATE, I just believe in complete OPEN and HONEST communication! I can keep ALOT 2 myself with everybody ELSE, but with my MATE, that's the 1 person that I feel like I wanna be FREE with, 2 share ANY and EVERYTHING, no matter WHAT it is! Besides, I think u'll just feel even MORE uncomfortable and AWKWARD, NOT telling him, 'cuz like u said, he ALREADY knows that what's been said about him ISN'T good! He's not stupid! He can SENSE what's going on! So, u'll probably feel alot BETTER just telling the TRUTH! Good luck with this!
• United States
11 Jun 07
Hi Charles, You always give such good advice and Im glad that you responded to this discussion. I do feel torn between the whole situation and Im the type of person who avoids drama at all costs, I dont deal with that crap well at all so yes this is really bothering me. I do want to tell him what she was saying because he does know something bad was said about him BUT I dont wanna cause anymore bad blood between them and I feel if I do tell him then she will know it was me who said something and that will just add more drama to the situation. I know I need to tell her she shouldnt be putting me in the middle of this and I do plan on doing that. Maybe next time I just wont pick up the phone when she calls that way i dont have to hear anything from her LOL! Thanks soooo much, your advice is ALWAYS greatly appreciated.
• United States
11 Jun 07
Oh and one more thing...Sooo you would want to know if your were in this situation what was said about it even it could hurt your feelings?
• United States
11 Jun 07
Well, 1st, let me just say that u are NOT responsible 4 the "bad blood" between them! Their relationship is THEIRS! I'm quite sure they had a "not so good" relationship B-4 u, so there-4, it has NOTHING 2 do with u, so don't worry about escalating the situation! Even if they have words UNSPOKEN between them, that negative ENERGY is still there, regardless! So, I don't believe that u telling him is u making matters "worse"! Their relationship is "bad" on its OWN! So, don't "beat yourself up" about this, Christyl! THEY have 2 be accountable 4 their actions, THEIR relationship with each other! Now, 2 answer your question, would I wanna know? YES, absolutely! Some say I'm a "glutton 4 punishment", but I'm just the type of person who wants 2 know EVERYTHING, no matter HOW MUCH it hurts me! I'd rather hear the cold, hard TRUTH, then 2 continue 2 live in a DELUSIONAL state of mind! I WANNA know how people REALLY feel about me! THAT way, I know EXACTLY who, and WHAT, I'm dealing with! Then, from THERE, I can decide how 2 handle the situation, AND decide whether or not I wanna deal with someone! So, I want the TRUTH, no matter what! Like the old sayings go, "The truth HURTS",...BUT, also, "The truth shall set u FREE"! Let me know how this all turns out!
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jun 07
I'd say don't get involved in their issues because it could seriously backfire and you've have an even bigger problem. You need to find balance between them because dealing with mother and sons is very complicated The next time his mother starts in on him tell her that you don't want to get involved. Stand up for your man. You need to represent a united front to her. And if he asks you about what she said, just it was the typical nonsense so he knows your on his side. But also suggest to either of them that you are not getting involved in their issues and that they both need to work on them together.
• United States
10 Jun 07
Thanks wonder_grrrl66..thats really good advice. Me and his mother used to be really close up until I started noticing she was not the nice person I thought she was so I distanced myself from her. I do stick up for my man and I guess she notices that so she say "okay I will let you go now" and hangs up and It doesnt bother me at all. Thanks soo much your advice is greatly appreciated!
• United States
12 Jun 07
You're welcome, Gorgeous. Good luck.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Jun 07
one factor of a successful marriage or partnership is the honesty between the couple. but if you tell your husband what your mother-in-law is saying about his son it could ruin your good relationship with your in-laws. i think it would be better if you tell your mother-in-law to talk to your husband. or you tell your husband to talk to his mother if he wants to know what his mother is saying about him. you could also tell his mother about your situation and what you feel about it. if i were in your shoes i would be hurt and feel bad for my husband. if he is doing something bad in the eyes of their parents or anybody he deserve to be told. i hope everything would turn out fine.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 07
Thats the problem I dont feel hes doing anything wrong, I dont agree with anything she says about him BUT she is my in law so I dont wanna be rude thats why I have listened to her. Im not going to do it anymore, when she calls I will either give him the phone or not pick up the phone so that way Im not involved in any of that. Thanks for your advice
@butterfly39 (3907)
• Philippines
12 Jun 07
yeah! good you don't. Anyway no matter what happen she is still the mother. If you said so, you'll just make hate each other so maybe you'll tell the mother that her son is doing okey, just to make her stop. Or just ignore her and discuss things that would her feel better.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 07
Ignoring her is the best I think I can do or tell her she needs to tell her son not me Thanks for responding
@happymom1 (1179)
• United States
11 Jun 07
I think dont bother to tell your man so that they will not have troubles again. I have the same experience like that my friend and her step sister. My friend told me all the bad things she can tell and when i talk to the step-sister who`s also my friend she told me all the things why she dont like her step-sister. I just listen both parties that its n ice to have peace to one another. I dont want them to have fight because i tell what they told me. I dont like troubles so as long as you can just help to make them friends and fixing their relationship.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jun 07
I agree with you about not wanting to make any trouble between them. Thanks for responding
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
11 Jun 07
My ex-mother in law was very much like this as well. He could do no right but his brother could do no wrong. She would call me and tell me all about how she felt and many negative comments. i finally told her that I would not tolerate her bad mouthing my husband and that if she wanted to talk about him it better be positive or nothing at all. There is no reason for it. His own mom was like that too. I felt bad for him, and I figured out why he had the problems he did and needed a mother figure in his life, b ecause he didn't have a real mom. In your situation, your husband needs to be defended. Do not tolerate any bad talk about him. There is no reason for her to be calling the house and doing that, if she does not want to have a relationship with her son. She doesn't need to call at all. he has every right to know what was said, but be gentle and be firm. I think she is angry with him and this is her way of coping with it. She apparently hasn't let go of him. it is wrong for them to both put you in that situation and I would just tell them both that if they have something to say, say it to the other, not to you. It is high time they acted like adults. Take care and good luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jun 07
So you know excatly how im feeling in this sitaution mamasan. Thats very good that you stood up to her and let her know she wasnt going to be bad mouthing your husband (her son) I honestly dont know why they feel comfortable to tell us what problems they have with their sons, yea nobody is perfect but if she heeds to say something she can tell him herself not put me in the middle of it to be the bad guy between them. Im not doing it nomore...she has showed me her true colors and I dont need that type of person in my life. Thanks for responding
@FenwaySox (321)
• United States
11 Jun 07
Hey Gorgeous! Now that's a sucky situation you are in! I think by him being in the room today and asking you what she said was the perfect opportunity to tell him that his mom is putting you in an uncomfortable position by talking to you about things that bother her. I would then tell him to take it up with his mom, because its not fair to you. Good luck hun!
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jun 07
Hey fenwaysox, Yea when she was doing all that complaining to me about her son I should of said "oh hes righht here you can tell him for yourself" then gave him the phone and see what she was gonna tell him...Uggghhh she drives me crazy! Thanks for your advice
@Ambur25 (1007)
• United States
11 Jun 07
I would definitely tell him. She's being immature. You know what she's doing, right? She can't bare to tell him to his face, but she knows you'll clue him in on how she feels. So she tells you, and is hoping you'll be "the bad guy" so she doesn't have to. What you could do is tell her next time, "I'm sure he'd want to hear how you feel, do you want me to tell him? Either that, or I can let you talk to him so you can tell him." That will let her know that you're not going to sit around while she bad-mouths your husband, and if she really doesn't want him to know what she's saying, maybe she'll think twice before running her mouth to you. ;/
• United States
11 Jun 07
Thats exactly what I think she is doing... trying to use me to be the bad guy between them..maybe she doesnt like me so she is using me to get in between so her son thinks im the bad one..SHES NOT SLICK AT ALL! Im waiting for her to call again so I could tell her "dont complain to me about your son..tell him whatever it is you have to say about him" then ima pass the phone to him and see what she does from that point on. LOL Thanks for your advice..greatly appreciated
@yemberzal (301)
• India
11 Jun 07
To hide the bad things of a person and not to publish it ,is itself a good deed.And when it is son mother relation, by disclosing the dialog will certainly hurt the feeling of son and he will tend to move away from his mother, it will be a great sin. To conceal this truth is of course a good deed and should be continued
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jun 07
Thats exactly why I havent told him was because I dont want to make them any more distant than they already are. Thanks for your advice
@carlaabt (3505)
• United States
10 Jun 07
I probably just wouldn't answer the phone when it was her, if it was me. First I would tell her I didn't want to hear it, and if that didn't work, I would just quit talking to her. I don't answer the phone when my mother in law calls (half the time my husband doesn't either) and I don't feel guilty about it, because she is schizophrenic (for real) and is always trying to make me feel bad about something.
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• United States
11 Jun 07
Yea I think thats what Im going to start doing (not answering the phone for her) because its never nothing positive that she calls about its always something negative about her son. I dont wanna hear that crap..she should tell him her problems NOT ME! Thanks for responding
@FSCAries (881)
• United States
10 Jun 07
I would just answer something like, she ws just rembling on about some nonsense... just try and play it off like it was really nothing.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jun 07
I cant play it off like it was nothing he heard me defending him so naturally he wants to know what she said I just told him I dont wanna be involved.
@magnet (2087)
• United States
15 Jun 07
I have a Mother in Law so I can relate.I think that your Mother in law is telling you all this stuff thinking that you will go back and tell him what she said to get her point across because she thinks that he will not listen to her but will listen to you. She wants to get her point across to her son through you. I hope that things will work out for everyone. Go ahead and tell him. Tell her the next time that you are going to tell him what she said about him and if you think what she is saying is disrespectful you need to take up for him, because when she disrespects your man she is disrespecting you.
@KatieS (504)
• United States
15 Jun 07
I think you should definitely tell him, let them work it out, then if she doesn't like the fact that you told him what she said, maybe she won't tell you that stuff anymore and you won't be in the middle of it. I tell my husband everything, I didn't marry his mother, I have more of an obligation to him than her.
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
14 Jun 07
I am honest with my husband, so I do tell him what his mother says.
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@DogsRock (13)
• United States
11 Jun 07
It is kind of hard. Maybe yes because he might already now this.
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• United States
16 Jun 07
I just had the worst experience I could probably write a book about what has recently happened to me. My ex fiance did me so wrong and I knew that my mom loved him. But oh if wall could talk. I just knew that one day she would actually tell him how she felt about how he did me. Being in between and a loved one and person your in love with is so hard because someone is always tryin to plead their case for you to choose sides and it hurts. Your mom shouldn't expect no more from you then what she would do if it was her situation. Parents aren't fair sometimes they know what's best but they want you to agree with their advice but all you want to do is respect them by having a listening ear. I would never go back a stir up some mess between the 2 especially if I want his and my relationship to work. He will always think you are judgemental and taking your family's side who he feels will always have a negative thought against him. Let it role off. Explain to him that your moms feels how she feels and is entitled to her opinion and he nor you can change that. She can say what she wants but he is in the relationship with you and if he loves you he will respect that and understand that you just want to have a drama free relationship and thats it. Dont worry about what she says and dont ask me because its not your place to pass any messages or relay any feelings. Keep ya head up girl it will get better. --------Smooches~~~~!!!