problem with my daughter....opinions please?

@mdasco (81)
Philippines
June 16, 2007 5:05am CST
My daughter and i had our first huge fight yesterday. she's 14. and you've guessed it, it's about a boy. no, let me rephrase that. a man. what happened was, i found out that there's this guy from her taekwondo class, who's already 21, apparently trying to woo her. but i did a little investigation and discovered from her cellphone that they are already having this relationship. so i confronted her. the sad thing is, with evidence and all, she still refused to admit about her relationship with this guy and that made me very furious. i told her that as a father, i had to do something i know is right for the situation. so, i grounded her, took her cellphone, gathered her passwords on friendster and yahoo and prohibited her from using the internet. i increased her chores and gave her a curfew. the only entertainment she can access is the television and computer (no internet. i should be in the room whenever she'll be using the computer). i'm really uncomfortable with our situation today. there's so much tension in our home today and to think that fathers day is tomorrow makes me feel so depressed. do you guys think i made a good decision or am i being too harsh with my daughter? i really need help from you guys. Thanks.
6 people like this
23 responses
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
16 Jun 07
First of all you have every right to be concerned. You need to make sure though that she knows why she is being punished and not that you just flipped out*L* Her punishment if for not being fully honest with you right? If she thinks she is being punished for liking someone you could end up going down a slippery path. Did you look at her messages and find out what they are saying back and forth? It could be innocent and maybe there isn't anything really going on but some flirting. Myself I would contact this 21 year old and explain to him that she is only 14. Now just so you know before this is all said and done she will probably use the words I hate you. That is ok it means you are doing your job*L* It isn't easy protecting our children but it is a job we took on as parents. As far as taking away the cell phone I have done that as a punishment and also the computer. However you can let her back on the computer and check history to make sure she is doing good things not bad things. Also the instant messengers have message archives you can keep an eye on. You have to make sure they are turned on though so it logs. I have had this come up on here before and some don't agree with checking but hey as a parent I say it is my responsibility to check these things. The extra chores are ok as long as she knows it is because she wasn't fully honest with you and not for any other reason. If you don't have all the facts you need to get them so she can see in black and white how you know she wasn't honest with you. The curfew well is that really a punishment for not being honest or that you are not wanting her to be with him? I would say sit down with your daughter. Tell her what the rules are about no getting in cars with boys. She must always check in with you when she is outside. She must ask your permission before going any where. You have to be clear on your expectations in order to give out the punishment. Besides if she isn't following those rules does the time she comes in make a difference? If she is going to do something she can do it just as easy at 6pm as 11pm see what I am saying? Not to worry though this too shall pass and make you stronger. It is a hard job to be a parent we can only do what we can at the time. Don't kick yourself about your daughter being mad at you on father's day she is a teen you will have plenty of other days of her being mad. I have all girls and been through 14 twice now I do know this stuff! Think of this as a milestone and if this is your first huge fight well then congrats you have gotten a lot further then some of us*S* Good luck!!
@mdasco (81)
• Philippines
16 Jun 07
thanks tricia. you have the same name as my daughters. anyway, i read her message to the guy and she told "i love you" 3 times. imagine, 3 times. and she haven't told me that in long while. i don't think it's just flirting. But really, i want to thank you for taking the time in giving me some advice and options too. i'll keep those in mind. thanks
2 people like this
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
16 Jun 07
So you have the facts and now it is she lied to you and for our house that is major punishments. Your wife knew about it? Wow I am sure you were not happy about that one. Good luck my friend and remember you are doing the right thing no matter what anyone else thinks. You have to be the parent and protect your daughter.
2 people like this
@shemah (841)
• Malaysia
16 Jun 07
tricia, i agree with you whole-heartedly. I have a 14 year old sister too.. dating a 17 year old. It's tough during this phase.. because they really think they're in love. By next year, the guy will be in college doing god knows what to god knows who.. She wants us to treat her like an adult. So i tell her, if you want to be treated like an adult, then share all the adult responsibilities in the house. You want to have a cellphone (she took my sis-in-law's spare phone to use), earn your own money and buy one. Don't let the housekeeper do things for you. Do your laundry, cook, do the dishes and all other things that the adults do for you. That made her think a bit. I think that's the only thing we can owe them as guardians, parents, sisters, brothers and so on. Since we have lost our father, we have to protect her as how a father could..
1 person likes this
@lynboobsy11 (11346)
• Philippines
16 Jun 07
I think you made a good decision about that coz your daughter is only fourteen and can't think too much about the reality of having a boyfriend at the young age, because the only thing that is right for her is her feelings and her heart. But I think you must talk to the boy too who is involve for he must dis courage your daughter about this if she really love your daughter (but I think is not for he want only to take advantage) he must let your daughter to finished her studies before entering to a relationship.
@mdasco (81)
• Philippines
16 Jun 07
thanks lyn. you're a filipino, you know how it is here in the philippines. and yes, my wife told me she already talked to the guy. can you believe this? my wife already knows and she never told me. anyway, the guy doesn't want to end the relationship, i was told
1 person likes this
@lynboobsy11 (11346)
• Philippines
16 Jun 07
Thats a big problem you can accuse him a child abuse because your daughter is still a minor and you have all the right regarding to your life's daughter.
1 person likes this
@mdasco (81)
• Philippines
16 Jun 07
yeah maybe i will. but right now, i want to concentrate on my daughter first.
1 person likes this
@SARAJEV0 (27)
• United States
16 Jun 07
you have every right to act like that towards your daughter I know I would do the same thing if I was in your place. But in some cases if parents act out, the kid just starts acting worse. But still i think you did the right thing. Whats a 14 yr old doing with 21 yr old. You should definetly ask the guy that question. What exactly did he think he was going to get from 14 yr. old?? BEST OF LUCK.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Jun 07
I want to ask you something, are you familiar with the LAW? Your daughter is a minor! Dang, she is only 14 years old. She is just a baby, so instead of punishing her with all those added chores and stuff what you should do is to talk with the guy who is already an adult! Tell him that you will going to sue him or whatever (that is, if he is really involve with her) because according to the law, adults can't date/see a minor child. Try searching the net and type keywords like 'minor dating adult guy' and you'll see lots of articles, opinions that would help you with your situation. Myself, who is a 28 years old can't bear the idea of seeing one of my minor love ones dating someone who is old enough to have his own family; wife and kids. I want her to grow up one day at a time. She should be able to remember her youth... also have you heard of the phrase 'parenting without punishing'?
@pc5971 (38)
• Romania
16 Jun 07
I realy don't know what advise to give you. But I'd like to share you somethisg. I'm a teacher, and in my class there is a girl which is not from our town. She stay in an appartment with other 2 girls of her age. Nothing special until now. But after first two weeks of this school year, she started to be absent very much from the classes. I spoke with she so many times and I tried to explain her how important is to finish her education (she's in 9th grade, and is 15 years old)... I phoned to her parents in Moldavia (I'm from Romania), I phoned her sister which is a brilliant student in other city in my country... Everything was in vain... I tried to find what is she doing when she is not comming to school. I found that she has a rich boy friend about 30 years old. I tried to speak to her and to convince her that is not a good ideea what is she doing... In vain. She doesn't want my advice, her sister advise, her mother advise. I tried to be kind and sympathetic with she, i'm also young and I cand understand if she has a friend but not of this kind. Finally her mother decided to came home her douther and she will study since now at home. What can I sugest you is to be friendly with your douther. Try don't estrange her from you. Ask for a proffesional advise. And take time to solve problem. Don't be rude!
@pc5971 (38)
• Romania
16 Jun 07
I hope i was very clear, I don't know english very well and it's difficult sometime to find my words...
@mike2003 (287)
• Philippines
16 Jun 07
She is going to be worth all your trouble...You made the right decision, bro...and she'll realize it as she grows older...Bet you, you'll be fine on Father's Day and she'll be the cause of it...
@mdasco (81)
• Philippines
17 Jun 07
thanks mike. appreciate it..
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
17 Jun 07
OMG! 21? I would talk with this man and I would tell him in a calm voice that he needs to stay away from your daughter or you will report it to the police. If anything I would pull her out of this Taekwondo class and maybe put her in another one, or make sure you are there for every class. 21 years old, he should no better! Shame on him. As for your daughter, I don't think you were to harsh. I probably would of done the same. But taking all those things away doesn't really fix the problem. You need to talk with this man and give him a warning. Keep a close eye on the situation.
@archer1811 (1099)
• Philippines
17 Jun 07
Hi mdasco! That situation really makes you feel uncomfortable, and your conscience wont keep you at peace because you maybe hurting your daughter's in the way that you grounded her. Why dont you talk to her seriously? A serious way of talking but not blaming her, explain to her how you feel about the thing she done, tell her that she must not keeping secrets to you, convince her to priority her study and your doing that for her future, and if she want to enter into a relationship she must be at the right age and dont take it seriously. I know your situation its really hard to be a father. But you can fixed that soon, talk to her today its father's day and tell her that as a gift for you from now on she'll be open to you and wont keep secret so that you can guide her thru the better way. Happy father's day!!
• India
17 Jun 07
That is very very harsh sir.You must have more faith in your daughter.I mean she is just 14,How do you expect her to understand all the boundaries and complications of a relationship.I would recommend you to return her stuff and then talk to her as a good friend rather than a father.Explain to her how things work and what exactly the guys' intentions could well be.Then mostimportantly I would recommend that you go and give that guy a piece of your mind andtell him heshould know better.If you go harsh on your daughter,most likely she will begin to hate you...Love and patience will solve ur problems sir!! thx and share ur views if u find me wrong!!
• Bulgaria
17 Jun 07
As I see from the picture your daughter is still a child and needs control. She's 14 and this is an age when girls don't know what they're doing,especially how to comunicate with boys (in this case men), which is even worse. If I were you I would do the same thing to grounded her untill she realises what she's doing. But I'm sure that when she gets back her freedom she'll continue this affair (I can't call it a realationship,although that I know a guy 24 years old who had a realtionship with a 14 year-old girl,but she looked like a real woman,not like a kid and he wasn't her first partner). So if you don't accept this with your daughter do whaever you think it will be best for her,but don't let her out of control.
@student7 (1002)
• United States
17 Jun 07
I think as a parent you were well within your limits with your daughter. Here in the U.S. people like that 21 year old are sent to jail for being with a 14 year old. It doesn't matter if the 14 year old argues that she wanted to be with him. You should take her to a facility for pregnant teen mothers and show her that if she continues with him, that that could be the consequence. I know at 14, I wasn't ready to be a mom, and chances are that she isn't either. There is a chance with the grounding and stuff, that she may skip school or sneak out at night when you are asleep to see him. I think you should wait a couple of days and sit down with her and talk to her and let her know that you love her, but this relationship is something you do not love. Just be patient and don't pussh it for a few days.
• United States
17 Jun 07
I think that you taking all her things away that this bad man has access too was fine, and even the curfew was good. But don't punish her with more chores! You need to keep her safe from this guy, and she is too young to understand how terrible it is that a 21 yera odl would date a 14 yea old! It's awful! You are doing good at keeping her away from him by not letting her hae phone/internet/and staying out late. But don't do anything that isn't necessary to keep her safe, she shouldn't be punished at a time like this, she should be taught about why this guy is bad, how it is illegal, and how she shouldn't hide things like this!
• United States
17 Jun 07
no you did the right thing but don't take it all out on her because she is still to young. you need to speak to this man and tell him you don't want him involved with your daughter because she is still a minor and he needs to back off or you could alert your police and let them know that he is going after you children. try talking to your daughter that you are not going to let her see this man because he is legally not to be with a minor under the age of eighteen. ask her how come he is not with someone his own age tell her it is your job as a father and that you love her very much but this guy is looking to hurt her he is a offender and he should know better. she may be mad now but as parents we do have to protct them they will get over it. good luck and just keep her best intrest to heart do not let this man get away with it.
• India
17 Jun 07
I am very sorry to say that first of all you pleople make a mistake providing electronic gadgets in school days. Still thy are playing babies. What is the use of providing everything whatever they ask and later taking back and putting curfew on them? You as a parent behave properly,advice them what is good and bad definetly children will follow you. LIFE IS FULL OF CHALLENGES. TO EDUCATE YOURSELF VISIT: http://harikrishnarao.co.nr/
@Calais (10900)
• Australia
16 Jun 07
If she was given the opportunity to come clean and tell you and she didnt, then that is not very trusting on her part. She should be honest and open with you (you too). But I think that she just bluntly lied to you. Maybe the extra chores was a bit harsh but something does need to be done. talk it over with her and tell her how you feel about the situation, maybe even talk to the guy. I think its strange that a 21 year old would be interested in a child but there are weirdos out there.
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
16 Jun 07
I think you came down on her very hard. But I can see your point! I'm a father too! A 14 girl is way too young and innocent for a 21 guy! My advise is... try to see it from her view point. I think you and she need to get together and talk more. She's a real cutie, your so lucky to have a daughter! Theres no percentage in you being furious. Get that out of your head and try Love instead. Take her places, buy her stuff,be a real Father to her. This is Very normal for a 14 girl. Its not normal for a Dad to get furious. Give your head a shake! Its not too late for you to patch up the relationship. Explain that you were only concerned with her welfare. Apologize for your outburst, and use this to regain your status as her Dad. Work it out with her and begin to appreciate her as your Daughter. Good Luck!
• India
16 Jun 07
I don't blame you for being so paranoid. after all, u are her father n she's just 14. but come to think of it, do u really think that punishing her like this is going to help the situation? i personally think it will only worsen from here. ur daughter will think u don't trust her n she will tend to get rebellious. the best way to deal with it is to talk it out with her. listen to her side of the story. when she knows that she has understanding n approachable parents, she will definitely open up. after she does, then decide what should be done about the whole situation.
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
16 Jun 07
I think that you have made a mistake, and the reason why is Yes she got taken in to a relationship that she should have been able to see was all wrong. So my question is how did this happen?.What sort of ploy did the 21 year old use to get to her. Is she that insecure that she will go for a relationship that she knows is wrong. I think what you really need to do is find out why she was so gullible toward this man, and yes there are some real slick, as well as sick men out there and they prey on young girls and they end up being their pimps and by then it is way to late. instead of punishing you daughter you need to find out why she had the need for this sort of attention, She may believe all was innocent, but you as a parent must some how get the message that may happen if she keeps this up. and if that means taking her down to the morgue and showing her what happens to naive young girls do it. making her hate you is just going to push her furtherer away, and very soon she will be gone, with the first passing stranger, that likes little and young girls to be used and abused. no a good future. ever.
@Logos_1 (52)
• United States
16 Jun 07
mdasco, everyone praises you for the action you have taken. You are a good daddy. Now, you have to win your daughter back. In your larger family, there will be cousins, nieces, aunties, grandmas whom you could confide. Ask them to converse with her about this topic. About the do's and don'ts. She is an adolescent. They tipically act as adults and very eager to grow up. You must reinforce good values in her. About the matter you are dealing with- get other larger family to entreat her. On your part, think about how to re-inforce her in study, exercise, health, books, religion etc. Good Luck to you. You are a good Father. Your daughter knows that.
• Malaysia
16 Jun 07
Hey, i read some of the responses at below. in my personal opinion, you shld communicate and spend more personal time with ur gal. especially at her current stage. I have a sister in-law (SIL) whom is abt ur gauther age as well. I am amazed with my wife and my mother in-law (MIL) the way she handle her. Properly they are gals and easy to talk with. BUt nevertheless, my SIL practicially share her day with my wife and my MIL. My SIL even told them, there is a boy from tuition center whom interest on her. GUessed what happened? She rejected the boy and advised the boy to study harder at this age. I just cant believe that. Hence, i believed in sharing and commucation among the family members. I am father of a gal as well. I learnt to pay extra attention to my gal from my wife. I oso learnt to spend additional time with her. NOw i am her "good" friend, and her mom of course her "best friend". I am gonna compete with my wife to strive for the top placing in my gal. Well, good luck pal!