Looking for some advice on "being too nice".
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
United States
June 23, 2007 4:51pm CST
Ok, here's my situation. I am a nice person. I am nice to EVERYONE. Being nice to you does NOT mean I'm in love with you. It does not mean I want to date you. It means I am a kind hearted person and I prefer to be kind and outgoing as opposed to grumpy and mean and ignorant to others.
So I often have situations, with men in particular, where they immediately take my "niceness" as either "flirting" or as a "come on" or invitation for more than just friendship. A perfect example is a friend I met online. We have TONS in common, enjoy each other's company, etc. and he even grew up in the area where I used to spend summers. So today he asks me to come out to the area where he's at, enjoy a band and bond fire, etc.
Long story short, he keeps INSISTING that he wants more than just friendship and that I'll "change my mind when I get to really know him". I've out and out said the words "I want nothing MORE than a friendship with you as I'm currently working towards a relationship with someone else but it's been hard for us as he has had to be out of the country on business a LOT lately". I'm not a woman to quickly "sleep around" so when people ask that question that irritates me because it doesn't matter what the answer is but "are you sleeping together?" I haven't. So the relationship we're at right now is very platonic BUT we both have expressed we want more when we CAN have it and IF we can work it all out.
So.... what do I tell this person to get it through to him that I want to be FRIENDS? I know a lot of women say that and mean more and I understand wanting to fall in love if you care for the person but that's NOT what I wanted and never told him or insinuated I wanted more. He is just certain that at some point I'm going to go POP and fall madly, truly deeply! LOL
9 people like this
20 responses
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
24 Jun 07
Ok, in my book " being nice" is not necessarily
'being sincere"... there's a big difference.
Being nice is like the icing on a cake. It makes the cake taste good whether the cake is good or not. Being sincere is like eating the cake without any icing and being able to taste the goodness of the cake. I think you need to have a sincere talk with this Guy, and stop being nice (for the sake of nicety) Get the facts out in the open with him, and if your not happy with the outcome of the conversation, tell him so, and say Goodbye if it comes to that!
I hope this helps!
@tendaheart2002 (495)
• United States
23 Jun 07
you have your self in quite the situation. It is never easy when you are known for being so nice. I have had that in the past. Unfortunantely you will have to be blunt and a little crass to get your point across if your nicer methods have not worked. Just let him know that if he can't just be your friend then you need to just walk away from this situation right now. Let him know that a true friend would not put you under the type of pressure that he is right now, and that if he truly values your friendship he will stop all of his advances right now. If he is really trying to be your friend but just mis-read what you said that should work. If it doesn't then you need to question his initial intentions in this situation. Good Luck!
2 people like this
@bobbyjoe143 (1287)
•
23 Jun 07
perhaps your friend is just living on hope, he must care for you in a way that you just don't care for him.
you may be sending confusing signals to the male friends in your life, but if that is just you being you then there isn't much you can do about it. these men become attracted to you because you are friendly and happy, don't change that just because you are getting the wrong kind of attention.
if your friend simply will not accept what you are telling him, you will need to give him an ultimatum, tell him that though you enjoy his friendship, and you want for it to continue, that you can't see/speak to him any more if he will not take no for an answer.
it is not good for your peace of mind to have to keep telling him no, he should get it into his head that you are into someone else, whether you are sleeping with them or not is irrelevant.
2 people like this
@luintaurien (972)
• United States
23 Jun 07
I know this may be hard for you but sometimes you may just have to put your foot down and insist that either you can be just friends or not friends at all. Some guys are just that way, they won't take no for an answer until you clobber them with losing everything if they want more than friendship.
@babostwick (2036)
• United States
23 Jun 07
I get that feeling sometimes even though I'm a guy. I never have problems with anyone at all and don't have problems with people. I think the best way to just take it one step at a time. If you perfer to be just friends, then it should be respected at least. Not sure how else to put it but that's all I could think of saying.
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
24 Jun 07
Just tell him and if he can't accept it, walk away from the relationship until he can accept the fact that you want only to be friends. He may never be able to accept this fact though. You should be prepared to lose a friend. But, who knows. The ball will then be in his court for him to decide.
1 person likes this
@kiiizu (1901)
• Estonia
25 Jun 07
Nothing like that has never happened to me. I'm not a very communicative person (I have no idea how I've managed so many posts on myLot LOL!) and I have to communicate with so many people at work (and to be nice to them), so I hardly would make any online-friends elsewhere than there in myLot. But I was many times in your situation offline... in fact, not quite in your situation, I didn't had anything in common with these men and didn't want to be friend with them. I remember how I got rid of a very dull guy who wanted to go out with me. I said, oh, I haven't time at all, I have to go to cemetery, to water the flowers on my grandaunts grave, but you are welcome to come with me and give a hand! It did work. No invitations anymore.
Perhaps you should tell your friend(?) a lot about the man you really want. Tell him, how smart he is. Tell him, how handsome he is. Tell him, how sexy he is. Tell him, how you miss the guy. Tell it him again and again. Ask him for advice: "Hey, you are a man, what do you think, would this smart, handsome etc. guy like..." ... whatever. It's not nice of course, but I guess, it SHOULD help.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
24 Jun 07
I am responding via email so can't see others responses. I would suggest STATING firmly... if we can't be JUST friends then I feel we can't be together at all. I like you as a friend and that's all than can and will be of us. This makes him choose the friendship then not you. Leave it in his court so to speak as far as where this goes. Friendship or nothing. That easy I feel. Well maybe not easy but you know what I mean I hope.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
27 Jun 07
Thanks. I did end up just getting down right loud and obnoxious (well as loud and obnoxious as I can be) and telling him that was it. I've avoided his calls, blocked him on Yahoo and didn't answer the door the one other time he just "dropped by".
@jumpinjack00 (3054)
• United States
24 Jun 07
Darn, you already have a love interest and
a would be stalker. I guess there's no room
for me. Anyway, you blew it when you bashed
my Yankees. Hmmmmm! lol
Look hockeygal4ever, some guys just never get
the message. Those are the kind of guys you
really don't need even as a friend. They tend
to build a relationship between the two of you
within their own head.
This type of scenario can become potentially
explosive. Without telling you what to do I
suggest slowly cutting ties with this individual.
Then you'll have more room for me but you
have to convert to a Yankee fan. Hehe
‹(°¿°)›
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
27 Jun 07
Hey... I was thinkin' you and I should marry Jack! I need to make someone miserable when I'm yelling for my SOX!!! LOL
Oh wait... I might have to put you behind VMKS cuz he's a Canuck and I simply HAVE to razz him bad! LOL
Well, end result was I finally just said "ENOUGH" and told him not to bother me again. He's called numerous times (thank GOD for caller ID) LOL and he's even stopped by once, I simply didn't open the door. I'm thinking that because he has a 45 minute drive to "stop by" and the price of gas might help deter him? LOL
@jumpinjack00 (3054)
• United States
29 Jun 07
Hmmmmm! I don't want to talk baseball
anymore. My Yanks got their thumbs up
their azzez. Whaaaaa! Hehe
Marry you. Hmmmm? That's doable if you
don't mind a Devil's fan. I grew up in
Jersey before moving to Florida.
I've always been a Dolphin fan but if
they're not doing too well I always pull
for the Black & Gold.
As for this guy. Let's hope that he got
the message. That's still a bit drastic
to travel that distance after someone has
blown you off. Maybe your reasoning will
be the end of this. The gas, distance and
shunning him.
Keep me updated.
‹(°¿°)›
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
24 Jun 07
Well if he doesn't get the picture now what would make him understand that you only want to be friends and thats it? You might have to be hardball about it and just tell him one more time that you only want to be friends and if he is not willing to accept that, then sorry, your friendship is over. If that doesn't get him listening I don't know what else would? a light thump on the head maybe ?!?
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
27 Jun 07
I finally did just get blunt! LOL Guess he was too thick to take anything but "that's it, don't call me again".
@casinocat (284)
• United States
24 Jun 07
You're NOT "too nice." (I think that came out wrong!)
You're nice. Period.
Here's my two cents on this "friend." Nothing you are doing or saying is wrong. You've told him how you feel about him and what you want in the relationship. He has refused to listen; he pretends he thinks you are saying something entirely different, and that he knows what you want and need. Ick. Doesn't sound like a good friend OR a good lover.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
27 Jun 07
awww.. thanks
Well I ended up being rather "mean" about it and telling him that enough was enough. He would apologize for the "come ons" and then in the next breath do it again. So he did it the last time we were together and I just told him I was done. I said that if he couldn't take it for what it was then we'd just simply have to not bother with each other as friends.
I know it can be done.. I have several male friends that we get along just fine and there's no weirdness. If at any point there was thought that we were more we simply talked about it. I'm very honest about it so it's not like I lead them on. I just think being "nice" is so often misinterpreted.
@Hart57 (359)
• United States
24 Jun 07
It's wonderful that you are so decent and that you treat all people with kindness. I wish everybody had the same attitude and outlook that you have. And I hope that this experience will not change you in any way.
Sometimes you just have to lay down the law. I think you just need to be straight with this guy and tell him that your relationship is and always will be strictly PLATONIC. You said you've already done this but you may need to be firmer. And if that doesn't work then I suggest cutting him off completely. Good luck. And good luck on your relationship with the guy you have a romantic interest in. I hope it works out.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
27 Jun 07
thanks Hart. I did end up just telling him ENOUGH and then not taking his calls, blocking him on messenger, etc. I'm not going to ever be mean.LOL If someone can't accept my sweetness as something I do for everyone then they better get a life or leave! There... was that mean enough? LOL
@Amstardam (1348)
• United States
24 Jun 07
Oh, I so much hate that about men! You even say hi to some of them and they think that you're flirting and you want to have their babies! Ugh! What's wrong with that picture?
I've had so many guy friends that have these secret crushes on me and then ask me out because they think I'm interested! Hanging out does not = dating! A phone call doesn't mean that I love you.
I've come to realize that sometimes you just can't be "too nice." Guys, and girls, will take it the wrong way. If a guy thinks you're hitting on him and thinks you're interested, sometimes you just have to be firm. You really have to let them know you're not interested. It's hard, I know!! Maybe instead of being straight out mean, try different approaches. If you are interested in a guy, talk about him to this particular guy. Or maybe give little hints about what you want in a guy that he doesn't have. Sometimes you just have to pull away from the frienship a bit too.
1 person likes this
@sigma77 (5383)
• United States
24 Jun 07
I think all you can do is to keep telling him no, just as you have. Eventually he should get the message. If not, you might just have to ignore him for a while. If you have told him you are involved with someone else, that is enough. Even though you are nice toward everyone, sometimes you have to be a little firm with those that are too insistant, even after you have said no.
1 person likes this
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
24 Jun 07
LOL--- I would tell him again- that you enjoy his friendship- and that is all it is- If he wants more and doesn't stop insisting that you will fall head over heals- Maybe it's time to stop the friendship- I don't see you as leading him on- but obviously he thinks that you are- and like you said- will fall for him- Alot of men just can't be friends with women- they don't know how- Maybe this guy just thinks you are "the one" and wants to take it farther- Either way I think you need to be careful- Keep insisting that you only want to be his friend- and if that doesn't work out- then move on- and find new friends.
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
24 Jun 07
You've already told him. The fact that he cannot accept how you feel is beyond your control at this point. However, if he is making you uncomfortable, then you can give him an ultimatum; either stop pursuing a romantic relationship with me or I will end our friendship. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for men and women to be just friends as there is always a chance that one will feel more than a friendship than the other.
1 person likes this
@JMCarebear (41)
•
24 Jun 07
1) that being friendly has gotten me into more trouble than enough. My brother said I was flirting with someone when I was being nice to a fellow that had done a favor for me.
2) A two-by-four-to-the-head is the first solution that I thought of. I really don't know how to tell someone to f/o without actually telling them the words. If he thinks you will fall madly, blindly over head in love with him he's got an ego the size of Texas and there's nothing that will get through his block but to be very, VERY blunt.
1 person likes this
@IL2Knit (1141)
• United States
24 Jun 07
That is kinda sad but Hunny I know just what you are talking about. I had a married guy want to marry me. His wife was my friend. I liked her but he was a creep. I disn't even like to talk to the guy but sometimes you have to. When I had to talk to him I was nice but cut it as short as I could.His wife had a tupper ware party. I went to it. He sat in the next room stareing at me the whole time. GROSS. If that guy won't take no for an answer then I would try to avoide him.
