June 25, 2007 11:45pm CST
This was hilarious!! One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!" He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!! Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times wi th my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• United States
26 Jun 07
I forgot to add the one that happened to me in church (Of all places!). My exhusband insisted that we go to church on Sundays, no matter what! Well one Sunday I wasn't feeling too well but went with the demanding idiot anyway. I felt the usual symptoms of my needing to expell excess gas. I struggled to hold it in, after all we were sitting on wooden pews (Now I know how they got the name!!!). Well towards the end of a hymn I figured it was now or never. I honestly thought that it would be silent! We sat down on the pew, the minister announced that there would be a minute of silent meditation and I let it go. It was one of those cheek rattlers that was amplified by the wooden pew! I was able to look innocent while my ex turned absolutly beet red and hung his head. Of course the whole church heard the explosion that came from my fanny, and had a good giggle. When we finally left the service, we stopped to speak to the minister at the door, as my ex started to say something the minister exclaimed "The next time I call for silent meditation, would you please try to keep your meditation silent!") Funny thing, we didn't have to go to church every Sunday after that! I still laugh over that episode.
2 people like this
• United States
30 Jun 07
girl that was the funniest thing ever. i had to read it to my boys and they are laughing their a$$ off. wow that is so something that i would get caught doing! thanks so very much for the wonderful laughs
• United States
26 Jun 07
Thank you so much for a super good laugh!!! It reminds me of being in the basement of Macy's. A friend and I were heading for the escalator when we passed through this BLACK cloud that would only have passed for a sewage treatment plant. I turned to the friend and said "It wasn't us, it had to be the person ahead of us!" I turned to see a woman who was beautifully dressed in super expensive clothes glaring at me. Her husband and son were leaning against the railing and laughing like crazy!