should i be upset?

@aretha (2540)
United States
June 27, 2007 9:58pm CST
i am a little upset right now and i am wondering if i should be. my oldest son is almost 7 and will get things out and then thinks he don't need to take care of it. if he knocks something down he don't think he needs to pick it because he didn't mean it. i am trying to teach him he needs to. well he had gottin in the closet with all the coats and shoes and knocked down a coat. he was going to just leave it till he seen i had seen,then he said he was going to wear it. it was a heavy winter coat and like 90 in here. after he was done i told him to hang it up he didn't want to but i told him it was that or bed. he sat and pretended he couldn't do it whinning to his dad. finally his dad took it and showed him how to hang it but we all know he could do it he was just looking for the lazy way out. anyway he got out of doing it again cuz daddy did it for him and now i'm the bad guy. would you be upset or is it just me?
4 people like this
23 responses
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Hi Aretha~ welcome to my life, but multiply it by 4! Yes, I would be upset! Next time, show him how to do it, undo it and let him do it himself so he will have no excuses the next time that he can't do it. I go threw this with all of my kids ~ ages 7-18! I am a bit of a neat freak, and I feel that if something is used, it should be put away by the end of the night. I get the excuses from the older kids 'I'll do it later', 'I'll do it tomorrow, I'm gonna be late for work' ect. I have started to take the mess and put it in their rooms~ like if they didn't do their dishes and have left them in the sink, I take them out and put them in their room. Then on Saturdays they know they do nothing unless their rooms are clean so eventually they get it done. Good luck~ it seems like a never ending battle.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
i just don't want a raise a lazy kid. as far as showing him how to do it,if it something i know he has never done and needs to be showin then i will but he would hang his coat everyday after school through the winter soi know he knows how. he was just being lazy. i was just so upset that his dad did it for him. i know a kids job is to make everything hard.lol i have 3boys and they just seem to be getting harder the more i have. i think i am done. lol hes really a good boy most of the time its just if he knocks things over or spills or drops something. then we have a problem he seems to think if he didn't mean it then he don't have to take care of it. i have tried to explain but i have gottin no where with him. someday he'll get it and stop fighting it.
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
29 Jun 07
You are so right in saying that kids today just make everything much harder for us. They think it is the moms job to do everything for them because they have been blessed by having us around and doing these things for them when they were little. I would have been upset with dad too, but I don't think they get it either:)
• United States
28 Jun 07
that sounds like my princess 5 yr old who feels she doesn't need to do anything! Yet she can certainly make a mess! Just keep at him, he will learn. You're teaching him responsibility. I wouldn't be mad, but that is just me.
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
thank you i am trying to teach him but i just feel if he keeps getting it done for him its not gonna teach him a thing. i'm not gonna give up thats for sure. i will not raise a lazy child he will learn to do for him self. its so nice to hear its not just my son,i wonder sometimes.lol thanks a bunch for the response
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jun 07
I totally understand. I do agree with the others your hubby shouldn't have done that. and it is really easy for me to say don't be upset...because I do get mad at both of them. they are such slobs! Dad included. I do alot around here without any kind of gratitude! and I'm sure most moms do...it would just be nice. Just got back from shopping. well....keep at him. I just got at both of them for spilling things and making more mess!
@KrisNY (7609)
• United States
29 Jun 07
Well he certainly needs to pick up after himself- It is not good to let boys get away with that stuff- Your husband should know better also- How about chores? Does he have a list of chores to do around the house? Could be as simple as setting the dinner table- or clearing it when dinner is done- Teach him responsibility and maybe he will start picking up after himself. I would be super upset with your husband- to fall for that- sounds like he just didn’t want to hear him whine anymore!
@aretha (2540)
• United States
2 Jul 07
your right he just didn't want to hear him whin anymore. my fix to that is sending him to his room until hes done and ready to do what i told him. it normally don't atke long before hes tierd of sitting on his bed. he does have chores he has to do and normally gives me no problem doing them and he likes doing things just to help sometimes its just when he does things he don't mean to do like knocks a coat down or spills something. setting the table isn't one but he normally does it because he likes to. he has to water the dog 3 times a day because it so hot and has to clean his room,bring his hamper out things like that and he don't mind but for some reason he feels if he didn't mean to do something he should have to take care of it. i'm gonna keep after him.
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
28 Jun 07
prob. your hubby didn't realize what a struggle you have had over this issue? I know alot of times my hubby will do something, while i'm trying to teach my son a lesson, or get him to behave, or make a choice to do the right thing, and my hubby steps in, and is oblivious to the situation. I find what works best in these situations, is to discuss it with hubby afterwards. Tell him about your struggles over this issue, and ask for his help, in being consistent with the discipline in this area. Another thing you could have done, is say, yes daddy, that's how we do it, now son, it's your turn. And take it off the hanger and make him do it. SO he knows, that if he cries and carries on, pretending that he cannot do it, it won't matter, he'll have to do it in the long run anyways, and it would be better to just do it the first time. Also, it might help to keep your hubby on the same page as you too.. they often times are really just oblivious to the fact that we are trying to teach the kiddo something, and just think we're being difficult. (; Anyways, hope I helped. Also, I have heard that this technique works well, tell your son, "if you leave your things out, I will take them, anything that is not picked up w/in a 1/2 an hour goes into a bag, in my room for a week, after wich time you may have it back" He'll prob. pick his things up pretty quickly that way, because he knows he's going to want to play with his fav. toys tommorrow, and if he doesn't, then take his things for a week.. he'll get the message. Also, if it's a mess he's leaving in your house, I would simply say, if you do not start cleaning up after yourself, i will start revoking your privelages. (Ie, T.v., internent, going over to friends, etc) He should start cleaning up.. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@aretha (2540)
• United States
29 Jun 07
i tried this with taking the toys but he really don't care. hes not one to play with toys really so he could care less. hes in to the games and computer,he hasn't had his game boy in months and the play atation in about 2 weeks. hes not caring at all. the only thing he does care about is the 4-wheeler and theres no place to ride around here so normally we go some place to ride and thats like once a month. its been nice out and we are outside most of the time so i will make him stay in till hes done what i told him to do. he hates it but don't move a lot faster. they are telling me he has add/adhd and wanted to put him on meds but i said no he was bad enough to fill him full of that. he has his moments but i can still handle him and hes a pretty good kid really for the most part. it his dad that needs to straightin up.lol thanks a bunch
• Philippines
28 Jun 07
Hi! I am going through the same things. My daughter has her lazy moment, does not want to pack away, does not pick up things he left or fell on the floor etc. etc. When she is in that type of mood I put my foot down, I give her punishment for being difficult. Her dad is a spoiler so when dad is acting the same as your husband I tell him to stop it. He is not helping his daughter to be a good person if he continuous to spoil her. To answer your question, yes you have every right to be. It is not an easy task to discipline a child who is acting that way. My advise be patient, be firm and tell your husband to stop being a spoiler.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
it has been so nice to hear that i am not alone. i wonder sometimes if its just my kid acting like this. lol hes not really doing it to spoil him its just so he will stop whinning,my husband can't stand the whinning so instead of sending him to his room like i do he will do it for him. i just don't want a lazy kid and i know as he gets older he will get worse if we don't make him do it now. thanks for the response
@rapolu_cs (1184)
• India
28 Jun 07
I thionk what you feel is correct and it is a problem of every parent with now-a-day kids,but they need to be trained in a polite way and it take some time to learn all these because todays kids are very advanced and they want to be free with human values,what do yoiu think iam i correct in your discuission ?
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
yes i agree with you kids now a days are different and that is what i don't want. kids now a days are so different then when i was younger. i can't say hes a bad kid,when we are out or at someone elses house he is normally very good. now when we are home its a different story. its mainly his lazyness that gets to me. thanks a bunch for the response
• Pakistan
28 Jun 07
Ofcourse it will upset me.My seven year old also do the same things as your son.But when i ask her to pick things up shell do it .Sometimes when there are too many things to pick shell ask me to do it with her.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
i don't mind helping some times but he knocked it down so he needed it to pick it up and his dad should not have done it for him. if they have all the toys out or what not i will help them but they have to be doing it also. thanks for the response
@Gwapako_28 (2142)
• Philippines
28 Jun 07
I understand what you feel as a parent.But sometimes,we just cant let our kids what we really wanted them to do for the good attitude and learning process.But i guess,we need to understand since they are still a kid.Thats why it is not really easy to be a parent.It need patients and understanding.
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
i understand that he may not like to do what i say but he has to learn that he has to and he can't whin to get out of it. i am upset with my hubby for doing it for him when we both new he could do it. my son just didn't want to. thanks for the response
• Philippines
28 Jun 07
yes, you should get upset and make it clear with your son that you are. otherwise, he might think it's ok. my 3-year old son does those things, too. and i show him when i get upset about it. sometimes it happens i'd tell him he won't eat dinner until he keeps all his toys in the toy-box, or that we won't eat and will wait for him to keep all his toys. . . .the only problem with that is it takes a longer time for him to keep his toys than to bring them out. you see, before he puts a toy in the box, he plays with them for a while! and it's a box full of toys!
1 person likes this
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
i don't mind helping them with some things but when he knocks things down he need sto take care of it. we have 2 huge boxes of toys so i know what you mean about that. my son knew i was upset but it don't help that his dad just sat there like it wasn't a big deal. so againi was the bad guy. thanks for the response
• Philippines
28 Jun 07
I would be upset too. It's hard to be consistent with discipline when there's someone to contradict you. And with kids, sometimes if you give in, it becomes more difficult the next time around to get the message across.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
very true! i think some of it is how my husband was raised. he was raised that the woman does it and he never really had to do much growing up. he does now just because i was not raised that way. i just don't want my son to see it that way. thanks for the response
@archer1811 (1099)
• Philippines
28 Jun 07
Well take a little more patient to your son, when he grew up a little he'll be more responsible anyway. At least from the start you're teaching him the proper way. My son is 5 1/2 now and you know what he still want me to feed him for food, but when im not in the house he can do it with his own. Maybe your son just want a little attention that's what children want.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
my son gets plenty of attention hes just lazy and if he can get someone else to do it for him he will. i will not raise a lazy kid. i have 3 boys(6,3,9mts),a husband,a dog, plus a 3 bedroom house to take care of. hes not asked to do a lot around here but he needs to take care of his things and pick up after him self. if i was to let everyone make a mess and leave it for me to pick up i would be on the go 24/7. thanks for the response
1 person likes this
@speedy1279 (2670)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Oh you have every right to be upset. You are trying to teach your son responsibility. Your husband doing it for him is teaching him right the opposite. What is probably making it worse is the fact that your son realizes that if he whines to daddy, daddy will give in. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. My daughter who is only 3 1/2 plays this trick with her father and I all the time. She knows I won't give in, so she don't try me. But as soon as daddy gets home its a whole different story. She will throw fits left and right because she knows her daddy doesn't like to hear her upset and will give in everytime. But what gets me is sometimes her tantrums will get on his nerves and he will make a comment about how bad she is with her temper. I just think to myself "Well I wonder why?". It is a struggle. I find myself always telling my husband that if he continues to give in to her, she will just get worse. She knows it will work with her daddy everytime so she uses it to her advantage. So when it comes to things like this both the parents have to be on the same page for it to work. Best of luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jun 07
I'd be pretty upset. I like to tell my nieces and nephews when they are here (my oldest is 4, so she is not quite ready for this) that if they mistreat my things, I will mistreat theirs. That means, if you knock it down/take it out/spill it etc etc take care of your mess or Auntie's gonna mess up your stuff.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jun 07
If it were me I would be just as upset, as you are or were. You told your son to do something, and when the son started in a sense whining, the dad came along and did it for him. To me that's not teaching him anything, but if he don't want to do something, dad will come to the rescue. Once one parent has told a child to do something, the other parent should not contradict and/or interfere no matter how much the child is whining about it, unless it is truly visible that said child is having a hard time understanding the concept of what he/she was told to do. Your son is old enough now, I believe to know how to place a coat on a hanger, unless you really do have impossible hangers, but I have yet to see one that wasn't easy to get clothes on and off from. So, you have the right to be upset about this issue at hand. But seeing as it has already been done, nothing can change it, but the next time now that your son has been shown how to hang things, once told to hang something back up, let it be known that said husband will be sleeping on the couch if he interferes and does it again for the child.
@aretha (2540)
• United States
28 Jun 07
if he couldn't do it that would of been one thing but i knew and so did his dad that he could do it. i didn't say anything because as you have probly read we have had some problems sense he has been back from iraq and i didn't want to get into it about that. i will bring it up when hes not so moody. he will understand and he knows but he just don't want to deal with the whinning. thanks a bunch
@psyche49f (2512)
• Philippines
28 Jun 07
Quality time together is the best time to explain  - Parenting is never easy; but spending quality time with children is the best time to bond, to interact, to talk, to listen....having fun with one's kids will prevent any disciplinary problem in the future. Never talk things out when parents are upset....timing is important in parent-child relationship....
Of course you should be upset. As a parent, it's good to discipline our children as early as even before 7..you were just right in teaching your son and explaining things to him, and really mean it lest he will grow up believing that he can just do things his way without being corrected. Prevention is better than cure, so what you did was a preventive measure so that he would understand that his behavior is not acceptable. Both you and your husband should be consisten on this...young as he is, he is still flexible, and can still be 'bent' or formed. Of course, you can explain these things to him during your 'quality' time together...times when you're not upset, and your son is in the mood to listen to you. It takes a loving heart to teach children values, courtesy and other basic values which you want to instill to him....
• United States
28 Jun 07
yes i sure would be and at the fact that daddy did it for him. my sister-n-law started a chart for my neice. when she did something good she got a sticker and when she didnt do what she was susposed to do she didnt get a sticker and she got something taken away from her. as in chores and picking up after herself. when she got a certain amount of stickers she got whatever was taken away from her givin back and something new baught for her. on the chart had good behavior and the chores she had to do as in keeping her room picked up to. maybe you should try this with him and see if it will work. good luck.
• United States
28 Jun 07
It depends on what all he does really. In my house if I tell one of the children to do something, my husband backs me or vice versa. Your son is old enough to do things like put up a coat. If he has someone do everything for him he won't be taught how to take responsibility over his actions. He'll think what ever he does you guys as parents will correct it. This is even with a little coat. I make my children pick up after themselves and do chores just to be able to teach them rules and responsibility. Now they watch what they do knowing they will have to clean up the mess and mommy won't save them.
@wachit14 (3601)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Your son could be anyone's child. This is very typical of any child in that age group. They are so consumed with themselves that it is very hard for them to see beyond that. All you can do is be consistent in asking him to put away his things. When he does, just give him a little praise for being a good listener. I always thanked my kids for that and I think it was that little bit of validation that keeps them focused.
• Egypt
28 Jun 07
i think that but every one must be ame ur son and fathers
@maehan (1445)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Just like me, I am always the bad guy and their dad is Mr. Nice Guy. Of course we are upset. For me, I talk to my husband and tell the consequences .... now we always stand in a line and we will talk to the children. Now they know that they can't just whin to get something out of it.