will you tell your child she is adopted? what age is she capable of understandin

having fun bathing - love of our life
Philippines
July 6, 2007 9:59am CST
i have a daughter. she is adopted. my husband and i did not plan to adopt, it just happen. we have been married for two years at that time, no child yet, i have a condition that make me very difficult to conceive, even with the help of what so called fertility pill.but the doctor said i'm still capable of having a child.... it was our second year anniversary, dinner time, my husband told me that he joked to a neighbor that he want to adopt his daughter if he will allow it, my husband said we will feed her well, clothe her, put her to school, and so on... the neighbor said he'll ask her wife first, i was shock when my hubby told me this, but excited. the next day, my husband said i can get the baby the next day. so, for after three days, we have a new baby girl in the house. we live with my in-laws, needless to say, it created a conflict, a huge conflict, which resulted in us moving out.(adopting my baby is just part of the reason why we move out).. its like you and me against the world, as i was typing this words, my tears are falling, because my in- laws said they will never accept the child, in my family, it was different though, they love her immediately. how will i tell my child if she ask, why was she treated diffrently by my husband's family.what will i tell her why did her own mother gave her for adoption. she is turning 19 months old, we are doing our best to shower her much love, and affection, i dont want her to feel she is less love because she is adopted, and in fact she is very lucky to have us as her parents.
2 people like this
16 responses
@vicki2876 (5640)
• Canada
21 Jul 07
Though my situation is not adoption it did require some explaining to the childern. My first child (12)was fine. She isn't the biological child of my boyfriend of 11 years. Always he was Howard and she had her dad. Then I had Clay my boyfriends son. Fine. But we broke up one summer and I got pregnant with my third child. We were back together before I found out. He is being raise by my boyfriend but is not his biological son. If his father ever came back he may have rights to him as we didn't do legal papers giving up rights. He does know about the child but has stayed out of his life, his choice. Cole is now 6 and knows that Howard is not his birth father but he looks at him as a dad. He is happy and fine. Though to many this is not normal it is the only normal he understands. He has asked about his real dad and I told him honestly and as age appropriately as possible. But also ending it with how many people here love him so much and how he was a gift given to us. He has really made my life whole and I couldn't picture my life without him. Sometimes you can't always go through legal challenges and life isn't about always going by the books. I think when she gets old enough to ask give age appropriate honest answers. My childern when they were preschoolers started asking questions about where they came from. And think about it, what a story to tell her! How much you really wanted her! How much love you have for her. She is so beautiful! Yes there are going to be some yuck topics later, even for me when Cole puts it together that I wasn't as perfect as his 6 year old eyes look at me as. There will be a time long from now to face how your husbands family felt. But cross that bridge when you get there together as a family. Take Care Vicki
2 people like this
• Philippines
21 Jul 07
thank you very much for sharing me your life. i really appreciate it! you know, i have second thoughts when i post this discussion, i'm tring to protect her, but i'm glad i did, all of your inputs are very helpful, i assure you that i'll keep in my heart all of your advises. that is ,when the time come, i'll just remember everything all of your advises. i hope the love we are giving her is enough for her to understand everything. your right, we'll cross it, together, as a family! thanks again!
2 people like this
@wisconsin26 (3859)
• United States
21 Jul 07
AT what age is right to tell a child they have been adopted well that's really your choice.. I think though at a age where they can understand what's really going on around them. I am sure they would be very tempted to want to go find their birth mother but than again have a thousand quiestions on why they were given up for adoption. I know if I was I would be asking and wanting to know that.. But I think around the age of 8 children do understand how ever that might be a bit early for them or I might be wrong. When my father passed away my son asked so many questions I just couldn't answer so my husband sat down with him and explained what had happened. He understood that his grandpa went to heaven so again around that age but with something like this again they are going to try and find their birth parents thats my oppion..
• Philippines
21 Jul 07
I'll bear that in mind. Thank you for the response. We have made up our mind that we tell her. The question is how! It will hurt her so much! I guess we'll cross the bridge when we get there! have a nice day!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Jul 07
the proper time i think is when he or she is in the right age to accept things happen on to their life. but you are one who see the proper time to say that. if you think that he coudnt understand yet the situation, then do not say it yet, but if the person is willing to hear your explanation then go for it.
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@orbeltadz (506)
• Baguio, Philippines
7 Jul 07
Yeah, because truth will always prevails somehow. I can't imagined if she will realized it later by her ownself. It will be dramatic afterwards and even set herself away from you. EVEN if you have done something right to her long before she knows. But it should be in the right time and right place to tell her that she is an adopted child. I'm not sure what exactly the best age to tell her.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
6 Jul 07
I think when she is able to understand what adoption is, would be a good time. I don't know why families don't tell their kids early, because I think eventually they do find out, and its worse when they do later on. But each to their own. I hope it all works out for you.
1 person likes this
• Israel
6 Jul 07
I have read all the comments and I would first like to say something to all those who posted on the adoption. Are any of you have ever been in this situation that makes you qualified to give advices on this issue? And now, to you, foster mother. I understand that you look for advices on what to do and when. Well to my opinion what you have to do is to look for a support group of foster parents like you are. Listen to what they have been through, listen to the one who is in charge/guide there. Most likely group like this have some one professional to help and to lead in this delicate situation. I wish you all the luck and all the best.
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
6 Jul 07
Whether qualified or not, I am basing my response on experiences with close friends and family who have been adopted and that was just my own opinion, and its up to her to accept it or not. I think a lot of discussions and responses on here are based on peoples experiences so I apologise if my response upsets you. I thought this is why we are here in mylot - you don't have to be qualified to give advice.
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
thank you all very much for your advises! adoption is not very familiar here in our place, esp if the child is not even a relative. the only support group i can get is from you guys, thanks again. my greatest fear is when the times come that i have to tell her, i cant imagine how she'll react
@trasauma (43)
• United States
7 Jul 07
I have to say I agree with everyone else. It is best to tell them early. I was removed from my mother when I was 3 and adopted at 5. So I always knew what had happened but my parents always talked about it with me. The biggest thing to remember is that when you do finally decide to tell her to be very supportive and open to any and all questions she may have. I know this sounds obvious but my parents were always kind of standoffish about the details and I just really wanted to know so I could know where I came from. One thing I want to assure you is that no matter what you are her mother. and she will no that. A mother isn't just someone who gives birth to someone it is someone who gives them a life.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Jul 07
thank you for that! that is exactly what we are giving her., a better life!
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
24 Jul 07
I would like to add to that. A mother can be someone who gives birth to someone and gives them up for adoption to give them a life. I gave my daughter up for adoption because I could not give her the life that she deserved. I loved her enough to give her that. But yes, an adoptive mother is someones mother as well. They have gone through life with that peron, through thick and thin. Mothers have many roles in a persons life.
• Philippines
25 Jul 07
hey! thanks for that! when my daughter is old enough to read, i let her read your comments, for her to better understand her parents decisions.
@xkristalx (231)
• United States
6 Jul 07
What a cutie!! Your daughter looks very sweet! You do need to tell your daughter that she is adopted. Although she isn't capable of understanding that now it will make it much easier for her than if she finds out when she is older. A lot of children that find out when they are teenagers or older have a lot of issues with their adoption because they suddenly find out that a huge part of their life is a lie. I suggest you IMMEDIATELY contact an adoption agency for both your daughters protection and yours.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
thank you! it seems all of you who answer to this discussion agreed on one thing, that i should tell her early,
@mkirby624 (1599)
• United States
6 Jul 07
I have no idea HOW you should tell her, but you should. My coworker has two adopted children. Her 5 year old knows he is adopted. Her little girl is about your daughter's age and she is not old enough to understand, but the 5 year old handles it well.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
thanks for the advise, actually, when she is asleep, i would whisper to hear, tell her we love her very much even though she is adopted
@smileonstar (4013)
• United States
6 Jul 07
you are doing the right thing, moving out and make a great family with your husband and the baby. Well, you can tell her when she is old enough to understand you... dont let her know now otherwise she wont stay focus. You got a pretty baby there and for me it doesn't matter if I was adopted cuz I have other two couple that love me the most and provide me anything I want, who can give me that? it is a good thing to share love with someone else...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
THANK YOU! that is exactly what we are trying to show her,
@dfollin (12391)
• United States
6 Jul 07
Why did they just hand you over their baby?How old was she then? Just let her know that you love her and that she is your child.When she get's to when she can talk with her friends I think she should know then.Because if you wait till she get's older,she might be mad at you saying that you were keeping important things from her. If your in-laws won't accept her then that's their problem.Why do they not want to accept her? Sounds like they have a problem.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
she was four months old when we got her! yes, your right , they do have problems, but for the love of my husband, i cannot elaborate about that, thanks for the advise, right now i want her away from those who know her, to avoid her from knowing it from others. i should be the one to tell her
@roxane (12)
6 Jul 07
You have a beautiful who should be your priority. I hope she has been adopted legally through the authorities in order to protect her and you especially in case the birth parents decide they want her back. In the uk children who are adopted can search for their parents when they reach the age of 18yrs old others have agreements with the adoptive parents to be sent photographs. Dont worry about the responses of some family members she is your family now. I do think she has the right to know she has been adopted WHEN she is old enough to understand and you will know when that is trust me.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
thank you again, this early i've been thinking of the right words to say to her when its time,
@roxane (12)
6 Jul 07
Hey you have a beautiful daughter and she is your priority, I hope she was adopted legally through the authorities as this will protect you and her especially if the natural parents decide they want her back. In the uk the the adotive child can at 18 yrs make contact with her birth parents if she so wishes but it is up to her. I think she has the right to know that she has been adopted but only when she is old enough to understand and you will work out when that is in time.
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
thank you very much! well, her papers says we are her birth parents, i'm afraid we did not go into the process, its just that she was not yet register at that time we got her, we were the one who register her, under our name as parents
@dfollin (12391)
• United States
6 Jul 07
You definitly need to get the papers legal.The may at some point come back and try to tack your daughter.Even thou you are lsted as her birth parents,they could say that you forced them to do that.And the courts can enforce DNA test's and that will show that the other people are her birth parents.You have to be careful.
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
we have them sighed a paper that after giving them a certain amount they're giving up their right for their child.
@youless (88918)
• Guangzhou, China
7 Jul 07
If possible, I would like to adopt a girl as a daughter. As right now I have a son. I always think two children are perfect for a family. And I am not going to tell her that she was adopted. I will regard her as my own child. Telling her the truth has more disadvantages than advantages for her. I don't want it'll be hurtful for her. If she knows the truth, maybe she will blame herself and wonder why her own parents didn't want her. So I never plan to tell her the truth. She will just be my own daughter forever.
• Philippines
8 Jul 07
that's what i'm thinking about! it will hurt her so much! but we are in a close neighborhood, its impossible for her not to know
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
24 Jul 07
That is the wrong thing to do. If shye were to ever find that information out she would be more likely to hate you for not telling her the truth. If you have raised her she will love you unconditionally. Not telling her is being selfish.
@jcyap888 (721)
• Philippines
20 Sep 07
yes definitely! i'm an adopted son, before my mom die she told me that i'm an adopted, but she never told me the name, just the surname. For me i just wanted to know who is my true parent and there history, medical history, so that i would know what i have. and wanted to know if i have brother and sister. i want to unite to them too, but still the parent who brought me up is my true parent.
• Philippines
20 Sep 07
thank you for relating your story... i hope my daughter feel the same way when she knows the truth...
• Canada
22 Jul 07
I don't think it's fair not to tell a child that he or she was adopted. I think the child needs to know. As for when the child finds out, it all depends on the child. Adoptive parents need to jusge this according to their own children, and the way the children mature.
• Philippines
22 Jul 07
thank you for responding. for now, me and my baby will enjoy each other, till it's time to tell her. I pray it will be alright!
@gloria777 (1678)
• India
7 Jul 07
I prefer not to tell her. If we want to tell, then I think , the right age is 18+.