Do All Mothers Really Understand Their Daughters?

Philippines
July 7, 2007 5:23am CST
I have a mother - a really good and loving one. I feel blessed to have her in my life. But there are times that she doesn't seem to understand me. There's this line she always says whenever she scolds me, "Why do you have to dwell on the past? Grow up!" I'm in college now but I sometimes visit my old school in high school. I mean, I also have friends there. I just want to hang out.. But then my mom doesn't want me to go back there because she says that it wouldn't help me get on with my life, and that I wouldn't grow up... It's not like I'm going to always visit my old school in high school! It's just that I'm having a hard time in college that I needed to take a break like visit my old school and hangout with my friends there.. Sure, I go to malls but what difference does it make in my life when I visit my old school? Why does my mom get pissed when I visit there? I feel so depressed..
2 people like this
19 responses
@lynboobsy11 (11346)
• Philippines
7 Jul 07
Ithink you should try to talk to your mother and explain to ther in a nice way. I have a daughter too and she is already in college I know she never lied to me and sometimes If we had an argue of some matters I just tell her I do the best for her but she refuse to do my advise it's up to her and take the responsibilities of what will happened to her. And after that she will be in silence like shes thinking what I'm trying to say. Then she will say sorry to me. I know sometimes explaining is the best to understand why we not want you to do that kind of thing.
• Philippines
7 Jul 07
I don't know what to tell her.. What shall I tell her then? I'm afraid to tell her what I feel.. I'm scared she wouldn't welcome any explainations.. She'd just think I'm making an excuse... :(
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
talking to my mom about my feelings about not agreeing with her is really hard.. she always ends up right..
@lynboobsy11 (11346)
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
Try to have a good timing to approach her and try to be look nice and lovable to her so that you will end up in a nice conversation, we mothers sometimes need to be carress coz we are sometimes have lot of problem to think.
1 person likes this
@wachit14 (3600)
• United States
7 Jul 07
I think you are very normal to feel the way you do. Children often go through stages where they are hesitant to move on to the next phase of their lives. That's why babies have a hard time giving up their bottles before they become toddlers and why children have a hard time giving up their stuffed animals before they become teenagers. You are embarking on the next phase of your life and you want to hang on to those things that made you feel good about yourself. There's no harm in that. College is stressful and the future is always uncertain. Keep your old friends close,as they will always ground you. I have a son who will begin college in the fall and he is excited by scared at the same time. Growing up is a process that goes well into your twenties. So do what you have to do to get keep moving towards the future. If that means you want to re-visit the past every once in a while, then there is no harm in that and please just know that you are not alone.
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
yes, i agree with u.. there's no harm in wanting to re-visit the past every once in a while.. but my mother doesn't agree with that. she says that it'll only hinder my "growing up".. i don't know why it'll be a hinderance.. i mean, that past is a part of us, right? and i'm not saying that i'm stuck in the past - i just want to re-visit once in a while and see old friends.. i know my mom's just concern about me, but sometimes i just don't see the relevance of not visiting my old school anymore..! do you?
@maryannemax (12170)
• Sweden
7 Jul 07
hmmm.. i don't think there is a need for you to really get depressed at all. there are times when moms think they do understand everything about their daughters when truth is, not all things are understandable to them. we just have to respect them and let them be. moms are like that all the time. all you need to do is try to talk to your mom. it is always the best solution ever in this world... talking things through together. so, go ahead and have a talk with her. and one day, she will surely understand you.. anne
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
geez.. i'm gonna need a lot of luck with this.. i really missed talking to her! :(
@smileonstar (4013)
• United States
8 Jul 07
hey, you are just like me and my mom. Nothing that i can say. well, you are must be Philippines right?If i am wrong, then I am sorry. Asian mother usually take control over the children. Most of your responds here are talking and explain to her... but how? she will say you are talking back to her... and can you tell me what are you going to say next? we are different from them and mom is always top of the line and in charge here. she just try the best for you and try to protect you all the time, but those action are not working all the time. I was so tired of what my mom has to tell me what to do and what not to do. I grow up now and i am not 16 any more, but she still think that I am still a little baby that can't think and decide what to do yet. here what you can do, listen to what you mom say and dont talk back to her... let her do what she has to do. but when she calm down and then you have to get sometime to get your story into it. make a joke about something and then bring your stuff in and see what she is going to say about that. Then tell her how you feel about your old friends and your new friends. You have to share with her from past to present and then she will realize that you are a young any more and you need to be friends sometimes. She is old enough to understand you and dont be afraid to say it, be open to her... I think your mom doesn't like you to be around with people that are worthless for you. She doesn't understand how friendship work... but this what my mom thinks, she said they are nothing to me and I have to move on and dont be around with them... wasting your time... i was like what? but i didn't say anything but I just let it go.So, you have to understand her and i hope she understand you too...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
yah, i'm in the philippines.. and we have the same situation... perhaps i'll try your advice.. but only if ever she'll speak to me again.. nowadays, we keep on avoiding each other.. it sucks! huhu.. :( well- thanks a lot!
• United States
9 Jul 07
I guess you have to do make your move now. I mean you can't avoid talking to her like that, that's make her mad more than ever. You know my mom, she never talk to me unless I talk to her first. If she doesn't like this girl or any other friends that I have, she will keep saying about this and that and not contact with them again,but I still have them as my friends and now I can talk to her and explain her that just let it be and you dont have to worry about me any more. you know what she acted? she was like, what? are you growing up now?... hey, dont do like me now to her ok? cuz you are still under her control. I mean you still using her money so you have to follow what she says. It sound so weird but that's the way it is. Please go ahead and talk to her, say something and make her respond back. And you have to forget about friends for now, just now... make her back in track. Keep her happy, and you are her daughter and I guess you know your mom better than I do. So, you have to think what does she like and what does she don't like, and what is really piss her off and that's one should be keep away from her just now. I hope you guys work thing out. hey, wish you all the best and I hope you will tell me a good news on the next respond. she is your mother so she will forgive you OK?
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Jul 07
i don't know if this can be called a progress but this morning, my mom and i were actually humming the same song. she's in such a good mood that i couldn't help but notice. yet, i was afraid to talk to her (might ruin her day and all).. we're no longer avoiding each other, just walk past each other at home.. but we don't talk.. she seems happy about something, don't know what. but she's not speaking to me. in the previous days, she used to look so glum.. maybe she's waiting for me to talk to her, showing me some happy mood so that i'll speak to her. is that it? but i don't know how to start a conversation with her..
• Pakistan
7 Jul 07
hello...!! dont get depressed.... talk to ur mom gently as much as u can....and also try to keep her as calm as u can cuz if both with shout or dwell upon it then u cannot resolve ur problem.... try to explain her tht frnds r really imp ....and u just want to meet them once in a blue moon which is not tht bad......after all she is ur mom and i know ifboth of u will handle this siuation nicely and relaxed u will over come ur prob.... :-)
1 person likes this
@maryannemax (12170)
• Sweden
7 Jul 07
i really have two thumbs up for your idea serious. that is how my mom and i fix things, too. we just talk things through and things get better the day after. it is never good to hate each other. better to fix things together.
1 person likes this
• Pakistan
7 Jul 07
thankyou very much maryannex :-)
1 person likes this
• India
7 Jul 07
hmm... i do not feel there is any harm in visiting your old school. Also i am a little surprised by what your mom has to say. No one can, forget his/her past, it was a part of your life, be it the good time you spent or a not so good time. Are you sure there is no other reason your mom's telling this for...cause there could be ..maybe she's doesn't like the friends you used to hangout in school or something.. i don't knoe .. something to do with your past that your mom does not want you to go back to. If not then its a little wierd for your mom to say so.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
perhaps because my friends in high school think like high school because - ofcourse - they're in high school.. and maybe she wants me to think like a college teenager. i mean, i am! and my mom knows my friends in high school aren't that all bad. they're a lot of fun.. she just doesn't agree with me hanging around "with kids, for God's sake!" she had told me. "that won't help you grow up!" i know she's concerned, but she missed my point. i wanna hangout with my old friends in high school because i just wanna have some fun. college is really demanding and tiring.. i just want to take a break from it for a while. is that too much to ask? :(
@YoungInLove (1254)
• Canada
7 Jul 07
Im still in highschool and I usually go to my mom when Im upset and I trust her advice because she has already been through it all. But my mom always tells me not to worry about things, becuase she realized that when she grew up they didnt matter. And thats what bugs me!!! Right now, everything feels like a huge deal, I know in a few years it wont matter, but I gotta live through the things first to realize that it was no big deal. I dont think its wrong for you to want to visit your old school, heck, people at my school do that all the time. If your friends are still in higschool, it doesnt mean that when you visit your trying to go back to your old life, your just there for a visit. I think your mom needs to realize that your not dwelling on the past, but your not going to forget the past four years like they never happened. Im not exactly sure why your mom gets pissed that you visit there, I think she may be a bit stubborn. Was there any past problems you had in school that affected you? Cause that could be a reason why she wants you to move on.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
i don't have past problems that affected me. actually, in highschool, i was a memeber of this organization called PMT (preparatory military training).. and i only visit the school to hangout with my old friends whom i used to train over the summer. we're like good buddies and we love hanging out. i'm not dwelling on the past like wanting to be a PMT officer again. i just want to hangout with my friends there.. i guess my mom thinks i'm dwelling on the past. well, she wants me to move on and FORGET the past because it'll hinder my "growing up"... i don't agree with her.. all i want is to keep my old friends. i hope someday she'll see my point.
• United States
7 Jul 07
Perhaps your mom doesn't understand your motives for visiting the school. If she won't listen to your words, then you may need to explain some other way. Write a letter to your mom explaining why you feel it's important to revisit your old friends from high school. I am sure that when she reads your hearts intent on paper she will give you a big hug and the support that you truly need. She will realize that you are simply looking for some loving support and familiar faces. College is a big transition for most people and very scary at times, especially if you are alone. Don't be afraid to reach out for support. Remember your My Lot friends support you too. Be well, my friend and prosper!
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
thanks for the advice.. but i don't know about writing a letter to her. i don't know how to choose the right words.. don't want to offend her.. :(
• China
7 Jul 07
I don't think mothers could really understand their daughters.Though mothers always think they know what their daughters's thoughts,they don't know their daughters actually!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
well sometimes they do - and sometimes they DON'T!
• United States
7 Jul 07
Ok, you are 18 and trying to figure out how to become an adult. Remember when you were 13 and figured, hey, I'm old enough to date and the arguements the ensued then. It seems that Mother & daughters battle between 13 and 22. Daughters go through fazes of ...oh, she just doesn't understand, to she doesn't love me...Kayla's Mom lets her.... (stop me if any of this sounds familier.) Truth of the matter is, no, parents do not 100% of the time understand their children. We are working our way through raising our children the best we can. What we do have, that you have not experienced yet is life experience. As a parent, we try to push & mold you into the person that we hope for you to become. We have learned from our past mistakes and try desperately to impart that wisdom onto our children so that they do not have to experience the same agony and heartbreak that we endured. As far as visiting your old high school, I find nothing wrong with visiting your old friends and teachers. By the time you are 20, this will no longer be your comfort zone and you will no longer have the need or desire to visit the school. Be smart and have friends from college and high school and find a way to blend all of your chums together. The main goal is for you to mature into a bright, respectable & reliable adult that is self sufficient. Believe it or not, once you are out of college and living in your own space, the battles with your Mother will lessen as she discovers your beauty as a young woman standing on her own 2 feet. Take the battles in stride and never forget that she has undying love & admiration for you.
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
thanks.. that's what i've been trying to tell her - that i wanted to have new friends in college as well as keep my old friends who're still in high school. but she reckons i won't grow up into an adult if i hangout with my friends who're in high school... my friends in college are great.. but we only talk mostly about school work.. it drives me nuts to always think about school work! whereas with my high school friends, we have the same wavelength.. we talk anything under the sun..this makes me feel good because at least for a while i can take my mind off schoolwork. but my mother doesn't agree. she wants me to forget high school and totally move on.. i can't do that!
@Ih8work6 (21)
• Australia
7 Jul 07
Being a mother of 2 teenage daughters I think 99% mothers do understand their daughters but dont want them heading in the wrong direction or been infulenced by anyone. I think your mum might be worried that trouble might end up finding you at the mall. Surely you have better things to do with your time. Your mum only wants what is best for you and to get a good education, surley thats not to much for a mum to ask. Communication is the key open up and talk to your mum.
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
i know she's concerned.. but she can't understand why i still want to visit my old school and see some old friends there. college is depressing - i've told her that. i just wanted to take chill pill and hangout with my high school friends to relax and have some fun and bonding. that'll ease all the pressure that i'm feeling nowadays.. my mom doesn't get it.. i can't cope up with my studies in college when i feel pressured! i mean, i've been working so hard in college, studying my brains out every single night.. all i'm asking is for her to allow me to hangout with my high school friends once in a while.. yet she gets pissed because i won't grow up if i hang around with high school kids.. how can i not feel depressed?
@JeaimeZZ (50)
• China
7 Jul 07
Maybe you should write down your feelings,and show them to your mom.I think it can work:)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
I've thought about that.. But I'm not just good in choosing the right words.. I might offend her or something.. She's already avoiding me nowadays.. And it hurts like hell..
@orbeltadz (506)
• Baguio, Philippines
7 Jul 07
Yeah, they are. But other Mothers won't express their feelings open to her daughters. They keep it inside. All they want for their daughters is the best things that they can offer. They can be easily lean on during in times of problems. Mothers can relate well to their daughters.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
they can relate, sure.. but they don't understand everything. she had told me about her past experiences.. and when i compare my experiences - it's way too different! so how can she understand everything that's going on with me? :(
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
I tbink your mom just doesnt like the idea that you have to go back to your school without any important business or something that you will do there. I think in other way you should understand her, she has so many things in her mind. Maybe problems that are not as small things that you have.
• Netherlands
8 Jul 07
No they don't. They trie, a good mother does, but she often fails. Really understanding other people is confronting. Letting go is very difficult. No mum wants her daughter to suffer. If your mum reacts like she does maybe it's because it worked for her. Maybe she left the past behind, and she cannot imagine that it works for you differently or it might even make her insecure, thinking, I wish I had a place to go back to. The best way to find out is asking, not defending yourself or quarrel. But trie to listen and find out shy she worries. I don't have a daughter, but I am one.
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
8 Jul 07
I have 4 daughters and they have all at one time or another cried" oh, you just cant possibly understand!" Admittedly, sometimes I really do not. I really do not understand your mom's problem with you revisiting friends from highschool. perhaps they were the kids that you got into trouble with? One of my girls tended to migrate with friends that she without fail always got into trouble with. In saying that, I am not blaming them. She was one of them. When she first began getting her life on track, I was so thrilled!! At first, quite often, when she would reunite with her old pals, they did resort to old behavior. It wasn't that I disliked any of her friends. As a group they just all made poor choices and as her mom, I just wanted to see her do well for herself. Gradually they all grew up. The ones she chooses to hang with also grew up and all lead responsible lives. The ones that stayed stuck at 18 she has little to do with now. Hang in there. I was never my girls # 1 fan during these years. Its as hard to be a mom as it is to be a daughter. You are fighting for your independence while we are here just missing you and hoping for the best in your life. It all balances out in the end. Visit your friends and reassure your mom that you love her. Don't take her apprehensions to heart. she just loves you. Hug her, follow your heart and do what you know is right and this will all work out.
@gncd1968 (49)
• United States
8 Jul 07
I have a mother who never really gave a crap about me. I was and still am the black sheep of the family to her. Why? I don't know. I grew up with 5 other siblings, 4 boys, 1 girl (my sister who is 19 now). My mom always treated my brothers decent and my sister when she was younger decent, but me, she just doesn't like me. I am the only one out of my siblings that has kids, my mom has nothing to do with them. She doesn't get them anything for their b-days (not even a card), nothing for Christmas, she doesn't spend time with them. When we come to visit, she locks herself in her bedroom. Now that all of us kids are older, she is crappy to all of us, as well as our father. IT's a very sad situation. So if you have a mother that shows you love, I am so glad for anyone whom has a mother like this.
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
8 Jul 07
I don't really understand why your mom would care unless its that she wants you to spend more time with her. My mom has always been that way too. There is no reason to be depressed. Just tell her you love her and go. Then spend as much time with her as you can.
@2wicelot (2948)
8 Jul 07
I think the general problem is a lot of parents get disconnected from there children somehow and then there is some loss of communication. I think it is a generation gap thing. The parents fail to understand that their children are not exactly them and that they are totally different people. They are from a different generation all together and therefore they have a different a view and approach to things.