When people say "I do"

Philippines
July 18, 2007 2:10am CST
I think when I said I do, what I really mean is I don't.:) My marriage didn't succeed for some reasons and I want to keep the reasons personal and confidential. Anyway, I know many could relate becoz Im not the only one who is separated. I wonder if you agree that every marriage should include agreeing to the wedding vows which says "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us apart." I personally wish they would edit those lines. Becoz we would only know the real person when we started living together in one roof. Its then that you will start to know if he is keeping some really really bad things that would change the direction of your entire life.
5 people like this
17 responses
@latsmom (824)
18 Jul 07
I think that there are a lot of failed marriages nowadays more so than before, and maybe it is because the vows are not taken seriously as they were may years ago. I think you are right that maybe the words and vows should be edited, and some people actually choose to do so. I thin kbefore people choose to walk down the aisle they should think about weather they can or cannot stick to these vows and also only marry for the right reasons.
• United States
18 Jul 07
I think the vows should stay the same. This is because when a marriage fail, it is not the fault of the vows but one or both parties in the marriage have not lived up to their end of the bargain. I do take these vows seriously. My husband and I have been through better or worse, richer or poorer and sickness and health and we're still together because it was a choice that we BOTH made and we both work hard to make this marriage work. Yes, we do fail each other sometimes just because we are humans but I think as long as we're both faithful and stay strong to these vows we have made and live up to them, I don't see how our marriage is going to fail. I do not like the idea of a clause...the maybe..or the just in case....we were both in for the long-haul and we both knew it when we made these vows. Now, it will be a different story IF my husband did not keep to the vows he made. But even then, I would not change the vows cos' it's not the vows that are faulty but my husband who chose not to honor those vows he took when he married me.
1 person likes this
@lynboobsy11 (11347)
• Philippines
18 Jul 07
I agree with you hermie, coz we both separated. Thats why maybe for me It's better to live in first before getting married if you reaaly ment and can stand the situation as a husband and wife. Those lines are only pleasing to each others ears when getting married but the thruth is we can't really say if it will happened.
@sunshinecup (7882)
18 Jul 07
I really do agree that those vows should end with a loophole of "maybe" on the end of them. That is what we mean anyway, at least for me. I didn't mean I would do all of that under all circumstances. If he tries to snuff me out for insurance, all bets are off forget that better or worse stuff! If he tries to take my mother out for a date, I ain't obeying nothing. There is certain criterions that must be met for me to be able to keep my wedding promise. So I so agree with you, those vows need a bit of updating.
@patgalca (13684)
• Orangeville, Ontario
18 Jul 07
You both made the promises to each other. So you are marrying each other with the belief that you will both keep those promises.
@healer (1784)
• India
20 Jul 07
Sorry to hear that your marriage didn't worked but i cannot say the two word "i do" if i really don't mean it. Am not married and marriage is a big word to me and to say that two big word i have to do it if i really mean it as thats what we have to live with. I am a very spiritual person and so for me the word marriage i take it seriously as we have to say I do to God.
@KrisNY (7609)
• United States
20 Jul 07
Well I think most people when they say I do- they really mean I do- they are in love and plan on spending the rest of their lives with that person- I’ve seen both set of grandparents do it- and my parents- It’s forever- I think now these days people don’t try hard enough to make relationships work- or they jump into marriage too quickly- Don’t get me wrong- I don’t fault people for splitting up- I think infidelity, abuse (both mental or physical) are sure reasons for divorce- But I’m sure going into the marriage- most people are happy to say I do!
• Philippines
19 Jul 07
For me, every marriage is perfect and ordained by God. Once you have chosen a person to whom you will be married, be sure that when you will be married your eyes should be closed. A friend of mine told me, who was a married man already,"If I have not willed to love my wife I might have left her already." This only shows that despite the fact that he is not feeling good with his wife, he was filled with endurance of loving her because he had willed to love her since the day they were married. The main reason why couples break up is because their eyes are not blind. Once you are married, your eyes most be blind, that it might not see the defects of your partner. T
@Shaun72 (15970)
• Palatka, Florida
19 Jul 07
You got this right. I learned the hard way in less then a year.
@ibuemma (2954)
• United States
18 Jul 07
Well, that vows maybe should stay the same. Because vows like that actually you become one not only infront of the guests and family that presents but also vows in front of God. marriage it self is more than romance story in it. It's the concept of building a family life. I mean I remember that before me and my hubby got married there's some sort of marriage course from the church. And yes, marriage i think it's only for serious and mature persons. Not only mature in age but also mature in personality. Building a family is a serious job and take a lot of work. It's just a lot people misunderstood or mis-use it for other purpose.
@patgalca (13684)
• Orangeville, Ontario
18 Jul 07
Well, let's see. I developed fibromyalgia after my second child was born, BEFORE I married my second husband. I know for a fact that my first husband would not have been able to handle the illness. He thought I was lazy because I did the Saturday crossword puzzle. Jerk! Anyway, shortly after I was diagnosed with this illness, my fiance (not married yet) brought me some flowers. On the card he had written "In sickness and in health". I certainly don't think those words should be edited out. Just because a spouse gets sick doesn't mean you walk away from the marriage. With the sickness and health has come the poorer because I have been unable to work. Should he walk away from me because I can't help provide for our family? If he did it would cost him more anyway. For better or for worse is different. It is very general. As you said, once you live with someone you start to learn things about them that you didn't know before. If this includes abuse of any sort (physical, emotional or substance) then, as Dr. Phil says, those are deal breakers. I was married in the Catholic Church. My husband and I said those vows. He abused me. The Catholic Church let me out of my marriage because I had just cause. I should never have married the man and I should not stay in the marriage. I received an annulment from the Pope and the Church. BTW, I had to provide witnesses who were interviewed. It really does depend on what "for better or worse" is. You could marry a wonderful guy who hits 40 and then undergoes a complete change. Do you walk away or do you try and work it out first? I would try and work it out. If he doesn't want to, then you can't say you didn't try. You intended to keep those vows, did you not? I'm sure when he married he did too. Remember, he said those vows too. So if he was keeping something from you when you got married, then he broke those vows (I am saying "you" in the general sense). When Brad Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston he said that marriage was for as long as it lasted. Do you want to marry someone thinking it won't last a lifetime? Why get married then? I take those marriage vows very seriously. I worked hard on my first marriage. I wasn't even the one who walked away, he was. I expect to be with my husband forever. I want to grow old with him, have grandchildren together. And having him promise that to me in front of God and family and friends makes the bond that much stronger. I noticed you did not mention "Honour and Obey". They took those ones out, didn't they? I see nothing wrong with the vows as currently written. But as always, there are exceptions and you cannot be held to a contract if the other person doesn't hold up his end of the bargain.
@sharon_ (1171)
• United States
18 Jul 07
I lively with my husband to be for almost 4 months before we actually got married. At that time, he was a casual drinker. He didn't really start drinking a lot until about the third year of our marriage. We were married for 16 years.Sometimes, I think that maybe I should have left him a lot sooner than what I did...
@makingpots (11928)
• United States
18 Jul 07
I bet you meant I do at the time you said it. You strike me as an honest person. Unfortunately some people end up married to a person they did not know well enough and would not have committed their life too if they had known all the truth. In my case, I know that my husband and I have changed a lot when it comes to living together and sharing a life with someone. Thankfully the changes have all been circumstancial and not anything involving our intregrity of morals. We have been able to roll with the tide, so to speak.
• United States
18 Jul 07
I know in some cultures and religions it is not looked upon as a good thing if two people (of different genders) live together without being married first, but in my opinion I think it would lower the divorce rate if a couple who is thinking about a married life together would first live together for a couple years before taking that next step. I lived with my husband a full three years, before going on to the step of marriage. Living together first helped with really getting to know each other's lifestyles a bit more, and it gave time for any little hidden secrets to come out of the wood work so to speak. Once we decided that we could tolerate and get through even the tiniest of disputes without separating, we took the leap of faith called marriage.
• United States
18 Jul 07
I think the vows should stay the same. Some people even write their own vows. But I think it's up to the couple to decide if marriage is right for them, and if divorce happens then theres nothing you can really do about it and I guess you just have to move on. I think living with a person before marriage helps prevent divorce, even if older generations beg to differ.
• United States
18 Jul 07
Hi hersmart4ever, The reason why the people who get married are not succed its because they lost trust for each other.As you see in a relationship or marriage trust,love, respect and understanding is needed. If you dont have that, your relationship will be broke.For some reason why lot of marriage are not succed its because were looking one thing that we didn't know what it is? maybe love? or attention. Like me. my fiancee is always at work all the time all i want is he's attention, he love me more than he's life but i want he's pressence and attention. Hopefully our relationship will be succed. But i always tried to be succed. We trust, love, respect and understand for each other. For me I DO is means; YES! Have a great day you!
@derek_a (10904)
18 Jul 07
I am in the same boat there. When I got married before I wasn't fully conscious of what my vows meant. When I got married this time (20 years ago), I knew full well the meaning of commitment. I was fully conscious of it because in between times I had got involved in Zen and began to practice its disciplines, I had an expansion of my awareness and became aware that when I made a promise it simply had to be that way because commitment is what makes a difference in life, keep breaking them and life becomes a mess. For anyone who is interested, I have written an article on the subject on my website here.. http://ayrehypnotherapy.com/CommitPower.html
• India
18 Jul 07
The thought strikes me too sometimes, not because of any failed relationship. But, even when one is steadily going with another person one tends to think if he is going to be with me through thick and thin. Then again, do any written words/promises matter at all?