Adoption

@lburns70 (182)
United States
July 23, 2007 6:49pm CST
I have found it hard to talk about my past life but here recently when I found out that my teen daughter is pregnant I have opened up. Without people condeming me. 18 years ago I was pregnant and I chose to give her up for adoption. I do not ever regret my decision, I know that I could not give her the life I felt that she deserved. I wonder every day what she has grown up to become and if she ever wonders about me. I love my child that I never knew and hope that someday I will get the chance to tell her this. Anyway, I never spoke of this, I was ashamed, I thought that people would hate me for doing what I knew was best. When my daughter told me she was pregnant I knew she needed to hear of the anquish that I feel everyday. I wanted her to make a decision knowing different aspects of what she could do. She has chosen to keep this baby and I know that what she has chosen to do is what she feels is right. She has seen me year after year cry in October on her birthday and knows that it tears me up. I love all of my children and I will love my grandchild.
7 people like this
12 responses
@brendakaya (2335)
• United States
23 Jul 07
I'm so proud of you for that. So many women have abortions, and don't consider adoption, and there are so many women out there that want a baby and can't have one. It takes alot of courage, strength and heart to have one, and give it up to someone that you know that can give it a better life. Take care.
1 person likes this
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
24 Jul 07
Thanks! For years I never told anyone about it, now I dont mind because I now that there is nothing to be ashamed about. It was a personal thing that I chose to not disclose but know it has helped me to realize that Jess needs me more than ever and it has helped my family to not critize Jess for her decision of keeping the baby. Also too, I hope that talking about it will open doors so that maybe oneday she will come looking for me.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jul 07
Yes, maybe some day she will come looking for you. I think there is some program where you can list yourself, and they can find you easier. Seems like I saw it on Montel or Dr. Phil, or somewhere.
1 person likes this
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
27 Jul 07
There is a registry. I have listed myself on several and am always looking for more. It is good to know that they have things like that.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
24 Jul 07
you sound like an awesome mom! Your daughter needs to know all of her options and it is also helpful that you are there to support her emotionally. While the final decision is hers, I am sure that your influence will lead her to make the right choice for herself and the child!
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Thanks, I try to be a good mom. I sometime wonder but in the end the result shows that I am doing my jov.
1 person likes this
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
26 Jul 07
*job
1 person likes this
@xkristalx (231)
• United States
24 Jul 07
I placed a son for adoption in 2005. I really can empathize with you. Have you registered with the adoption agency, or any kind of registry that trys to link families seperated by adoption together? There is always the chance that she is looking for you. I am very appreciative of you helping your daughter with her baby. When I have children that I am parenting I don't ever want them to have to place a baby.
• United States
24 Jul 07
And I understand about feeling ashamed too. I'll tell people that I placed my son and it seems the first thing they say is always "How could you just give away your baby?" Its so offensive and I don't think they even notice it. I'll tell them how it really is and that its not easy and sometimes if I'm feeling really agigtated I will ask "You know what, that was so selfish of me, the next time I get pregnant I cna move in with you right?"
1 person likes this
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Yes I have registered but I am always looking for more registries. You never know where one might begin to look for someone. I hate it when people look at you like you are a monster for giving away your child. We are not monsters we are simply giving the gift of life. My daughter that I gave up is much better off than the life that I could hasve given her. Thanks for your kind words.
1 person likes this
@maximax8 (27048)
30 Jul 07
It is fantastic that you opened up about your past life and current feelings. I think you were sensible for adopting your daughter. You gave her the life that she deserved and gave other people the wonderful chance of becoming a parent. I hope that one day you will find her and that you will get on well together. I know people that were adopted and they understand why their natural mother could not keep them. I know how sad you must feel every October. I have to say well done for having your baby and giving her up to enjoy a better life. Many woman have abortions and if they later regret doing this it must be very upsetting. Nowadays things are easier for young single mothers like your daughter. The support you are giving her is wonderful. I hope that the birth and motherhood will go well for her. You will make a superb grandparent.
1 person likes this
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
5 Aug 07
Thank you, I hope that I am a good grandparent. I find that opening up helps me to help her through her time of need. She can relate and see what I have gone through.
1 person likes this
@KrisNY (7609)
• United States
25 Jul 07
That is beautiful- I hope that all of us mylotters show you support and not shame- I think you have NO reason to be ashamed- You did what you thought was right and still think is right- Adoption- It was your choice and no one should criticize you for that- I’m sorry that you are feeling pain every day for this- I can’t imagine having a child and then giving that child up- It must be hel!- I’m sorry for that- I’m glad that you told your daughter your story- I am also glad that she has made this decision—not so much the keeping the baby but that she made the decision- I know you and your family will love this baby and take great care of the baby- Congrats on becoming a grandmom soon-- : ) You’ll be great!
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
27 Jul 07
I did join a group once about a year ago and boy was I critized for what I did. There were people that were horrible to us birthmothers. I guess it was those people who had been adopted. They hated us for giving up our children. It was a bad experience for me and I shut my mouth after that. I am excited about becoming a grandmother. Actually I didnt tell my daughter. I was going to tell her when the time was right. It was my ex husband who had told her. He was trying to make me look bad in her eyes and it didnt work.
1 person likes this
• Atlantic City, New Jersey
24 Jul 07
My mother was adopted- and it still hurts her to talk about the subject to this day- she is now 54. Unlike you, she did not have parents that wondered or worried or cared- she later found out. So be proud of your decision- for it was the best one at the time, and maybe one day you will be able to tell her that- and if you don't- you will always have the piece of mind knowing that you made the right decision with the circumstances at that time. Its an emotional topic all the way around, there is no denying that, so stay strong and be confident in the decisions that you have made. After all, you are the only one that knows whats best for you ;)
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
5 Aug 07
Thank you! I am sorry to hear that your mothers parents didnt care. I dont understand how people could be like that. You give up a life you have to wonder about that person.
1 person likes this
24 Jul 07
hi i hope that things work out for you and your daughter. baby are always a joy but the come with hard work and belive that now that she is pergant now she was to become respondable for her action . she has to get a job to support her child cause now she is going to be a mom and that what parents do. they support there children that they have because they are under there care . So i hope that things work out and that you are there for your daughter and show good character and show her how to be a good mom and back her on her good deciosions.
1 person likes this
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
26 Jul 07
She wants to get a job but I told her to wait until after the baby is born. No one will hire a pregnant teen and then when the baby is born and she can work I can babysit.
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5640)
• Canada
24 Jul 07
Wow! I was pregnant at 18 too. I knew I would keep her from day one. She is now almost 12 and I couldn't picture my life without her. I did the right thing for you as now your daughter is doing the right thing for her. I think she will be an excellent mom and with a mom like you they will do great Congrats! Vicki
1 person likes this
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
26 Jul 07
I decided from the beginning that I would support her howevershe needed me to. I dont want her to be one of those statistics of teen mothers set up to fail in life. She is full of promise and life and I dont want to see that end.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2871)
• Australia
24 Jul 07
Of course there's nothing to be ashamed about, you did what was best for your daughter at that time in your life & if adoption was the best way for her to have a happy & loved life, then you did something wonderful for you - you gave her life & then you gave her to a childless couple who could raise her & give her everything she needed. I too, hope one day that you & your first daughter can be reunited & that she can understand your reasons for not raising her yourself. I think what you did was a wonderful thing, like another member mentioned, a lot of people may have opted to abort when they found out or others may have chosen to keep the child but not been able to raise her properly. Good luck with the new coming Grandchild, i hope everything works out well for your younger daughter & her new child :)
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
24 Jul 07
Thank you so much for the kind words. I apreciate your thoughts on this matter. When I hear other people tell me its ok I feel better. I dont know why I didnt talk about it, I knew what I did was right. Thanks for the luck with my grandson. I am excited and she is too. It will be rough on all of us but it will work out in the long run.
1 person likes this
@Bizziebod (3526)
1 May 08
For what it's worth I think you did the right thing, I'm guessing your a new grandma by now as this is quite an old post. I'm an adopted child and although it's been tough I can quite understand why my mother had to give me away and how hard it must have been also. Good luck
@Feona1962 (7529)
• United States
9 Aug 07
You did what you thought was right..I am glad that you were able to share this with us..It doesn't matter what others think, as long as you are happy with the choice that you've made..You did it out of love and that is perfectly fine. I am sure you will be a good grama. Your daughter is lucky to have a mother as wonderful as you to help her through her pregnancy.
• Canada
6 Aug 07
I believe what you did was a wonderful thing and you should never feel ashamed for one minute about a decision such as this . You thought about the life of your child and made a very unselfish decision for both you and your child . This must have been very hard for you to do and even to this day it is something you still think about and wonder about . But you did the right thing . You could very easily have taken the easy way out and had an abortion but you didn't . You thought about the needs of your child above the needs of yourself and this is what makes a mother a great mother . I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you or even how hard it is for you now to know that you have a child out there somewhere that you never get to see but what you did was give your child the option to a better life and a better chance at life and for this you deserve so much credit and you were able to help your daughter with a very difficult decision based on your own experiences that probably helped her out more then anything you could have done for her . I applaud you and you really did make the best decision . I have a friend who got pregnant when she was young , she didn't want the child but her parents made her keep the child feeling that she couldn't give the child up as that would be wrong and that she needed to take responsibility for her actions . Four years after she had her daughter she called children's aid on herself because she knew she was unable to give her child what she needed . What she did was the right thing to do but because she had listened to her parents and kept her daughter for a few years will always have lating effects on this child . Although she did what she could for her child she never did give her the full care she needed as she truely had no idea how to raise a child . When I met her , her daughter was so tiny from lack of nutritioin and was not as well adjusted as other children her age . She was not talking and had a hard time trying to feed herself . She was unable to do things that all child her age were so capable of doing . When she gave her child up they found out that her daughter had not been able to see and needed glasses , because she had went for years without this being treated she will always where glasses . She was lacking the proper nutrition and will always be considered slow for her age and will always have more of a stuggle in life . The grandparents were given the option to take the child and although they didn't want their daughter to give her away they were not willing to raise her themselves . Today she is now adotped and lives in the same area as the grandparents but has no contact with them . She is doing good but will always need someone there with her as she missed out to much of what she needed when she was younger . She is one of the lucky one's as it could have been so much worse but would have been so much better off if her mother had been able to give her up when she wanted to . Through this you can see that the decision you made for yourself so many years ago could have affected the life of your child in more ways then you will ever know and you have given your child something that no one else could have and this was the love and care of a mother who thought about her child above all else in giving her child a chance at a better life then she ever could have . Take Care !!