When a child attacks his Dad, Should the Dad hit back?
By kiwiTank
@kiwiTank (64)
New Zealand
August 1, 2007 6:20pm CST
When a 14 yr old boy gets mad at being caught out doing something wrong, and attacks his Dad, Should the Dad Fight back? Even if the Dad has a heart condition and bad legs,? Yes it was me 3 days ago my son(not by blood) let loose and hammered me, now I'm finding it hard to use my left arm,And no I havn't been to the doctor ,(maybe cos I'm scared what the doctor will say) Anyway my son hammered me and I just kept holding him and trying to calm him down but he used words on me even I don't use and I'm surprised he even knew them let alone what they meant,and then he swung and hit his mother and called her a bunch of names, so ok she slapped his face when called her the really bad word starting with c, But I didn't have it in me to hammer him as he's small and I'm bigger than him and I could have killed him. The worse thing here is that in my country there is a no smacking children law, and so if I'd hit him I could have gone to jail but all the police said was that it was self defence for me to hold him down, Yes we had to call the police as this kid was someone we didn't know, and he was volitile towards me, and his 2 sisters and his brother were so scared of him, we all including his mum locked our bedroom door while he took his rage out on everything in his bedroom and when I went out to get my dog and bring her in to the room with us he attacked me again, and thats when I felt my shoulder go funny and now its hard to do any thing with my arm, So what do you think, Do I have the right to attack him back or was I the bigger man by walking away from him?
4 people like this
18 responses
@punlonnjack (1308)
• United States
1 Aug 07
I dont have much to offer as a response.I dont believe in hittin your kids but I only have a step daughter I would never lay a hand on her but there would have to be some kind of punishment or he will keep doing it becuase he is getting away with it.He will do it again.There should be conseqences for those actions.good luck.
3 people like this
@kiwiTank (64)
• New Zealand
1 Aug 07
He's my stepson, so I'm letting his mother deal with it,I've taken away his computer, and his stereo, and his art books, and tv,playstation viewing, and it don't do much, I'm so close to charging him with assault but his mum said no, so cos I love his Mum I won't do it.
3 people like this
@mflower2053 (3223)
• United States
2 Aug 07
You should of asked the police to take him into jail over night. He has a problem with respect for you and his mother. He needs to be taught a lesson. Yes you are the bigger man by not hitting him. Sorry this happen to you.
2 people like this
@kiwiTank (64)
• New Zealand
2 Aug 07
I did ask the cops to do that but they said no they couldn't do it as he is only 14, so then I suggested putting him in a jail with a mean old con and then maybe the con would tell him what its like to be in jail as my son thinks jail is a holiday camp and he could handle it,cheers for your comments
3 people like this
@someonesmom (5761)
• Canada
2 Aug 07
I'm so sorry to hear about this problem with your stepson, kiwiTank. You certainly did the right thing in holding him, to prevent him from doing anymore damage. Hitting him wouldn't have solved anything, and I agree with another of your respondants here, that he should be checked out by a professional. Things could get much worse as he gets older.
Unfortunately, this reminds me of my oldest stepson, many years ago. He used to threaten me, and his little sister, and his two brothers were also afraid of him. I had to lock myself in the bathroom with my infant daughter one day, because I feared for our safety, and another time I barricaded us in the bedroom. He eventually got into trouble with the police, and is a troubled adult now, who we no longer see. He's in another part of the country, and seeing him (I feel) would still be a safety problem for myself, and my family. I trust that you'll be able to get the help for him, and keep your family safe.
@Calais (10893)
• Australia
2 Aug 07
Maybe I was a bit harsh, but I have seen this plenty of times, and at that age, sometimes its all that they need, to wake up and think, what am I doing and ask for help..It just infuriates me when children have no respect at all and are violent.
1 person likes this
@someonesmom (5761)
• Canada
2 Aug 07
Hi Calais,
I was agreeing with you, that something is definitely off with him, and he needs people to 'try' to help him before things become much worse. Aside from my stepson, I've also witnessed this type of behaviour from a friend's teenage son, toward his mom, and siblings. It's really very scary. I can understand your anger, in regards to what you said in the first part of your response, as it's a gut reaction for sure, when 'we' hear of this type of thing. Thanks, and 'no worries' about my misinterpreting what you said.
@kiwiTank (64)
• New Zealand
2 Aug 07
Well yes he is off the rails, as 5 yrs ago he watched his Dad leave his mum after admitting he was was gay and had been all his life and then 18mths ago he was molested by a fanily friend along with his sister who is 2 yrs younger than him, and both are getting help for the molestation problem,he blames me and his Mum for not being there to protect him as we promised, I was working in a diffrent country but I came home as soon as I was called and the guy who did the molesting got all of 3 yrs for 3 charges as he made a deal with the cops or something like it, So he is getting the help and my self and his mother are suffering for it still. so there you go. And really there's not alot I can do about it except hold him down when he goes on a rampage.
1 person likes this
@biznizman01 (581)
• Philippines
2 Aug 07
if things like this happen to me i would have punch him alright son or stepson or even a daughter for that matter. a hammer is a dangerous weapon, unless you know martial art then use of force is an overkill.
a 14 year old attacking you with a hammer is a serious threat. you are afraid for you own life as you said. so hitting him just to immobilize him is justified. if you think your life is in danger then hitting back is no crime.
@asawako48162 (3321)
• United States
2 Aug 07
if my son or daughter ever hit me i would send them to police on an assult and battery so fast that it would make his or her head spin..you are setting them up for a big loss in the future..
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
2 Aug 07
IS there a law in your country for parent abuse like child abuse I would be reporting this to the right people even tho he was molested the therapy must not be enough and he isnt handleing it good.
Seems like he needs an outlet some where and not on you are his mom.
You did good to hold him daon but at the end ya might just have to hold and hug him and let him know he wasnt at fault for what was done to him.
If you or mom is strong enough I would sugjest getting him to a hugs with his arms pinned so he cant hit and hold him till he calms down and then get him to talk to you about this get it out of his system and then more threapy from whom ever he is seeing . Good luck
@sharkee (64)
• China
2 Aug 07
I don't think violence is the answer here. He obviously lacks respect for his family members and I feel you should work on achieving respect. It's normal for 14 year olds to not behave well - it's the beginning of the teen years - the years of a person's life that will determine what kind of adult they'll be. I think you should just try to sit him down when he's calm, and avoid showing him that you're strict. Just tell him that you're his friend and that the decisions you make for him are only decisions you feel is the best of his interest. You should also give him more freedom and be a lot more supportive - at 14 kids want to know that you've got their back.
@LadyDulce (830)
• United States
3 Aug 07
It's untrue that it's normal for teens to behave badly. My siblings and I were all very well-behaved teens, as were the majority of the kids we associated with. The teen years are no tthe time to be a friend to your child. This is a time of so much monumental change and they need to know that you know what you're doing and you'll be there for them and they have definite limits and boundaries. Definitely let him know you're not against him, but also let him know that he's not the one in charge at this point, though that will come with adulthood. Don't give him freedom until he's earned it. Kids need to know you've got their back, but they also need to know that you're not going to let them walk all over you. They aren't adult yet; don't treat them as if they are.
Blessed Be
@xfallenxlostx (2074)
• United States
2 Aug 07
You were DEFINITELY the bigger man by not lashing out on him. A lesser man definitely would have taken a swing at his sone, regardless of difference in size. i don't know about politics, programs, and the medical system where you live...but have you thought about getting him into some sort of anger management program? He obviously has a lot of issues that need to be addressed, but violence is not the way to do it...as i can tell you are well aware of. Something within him tells him to lash out like that, and that something needs to be addressed and killed.
@MurphyDog (62)
•
2 Aug 07
Totally agree. Some sort of programme would be best. Hitting your kids or women are the two big no-no's
@micaella (396)
• Philippines
2 Aug 07
I guess the problem to that kid is he still has emotional problem inside. I think you and your wife need more patience to him or to his behavior. You cant hurt him back caused you have big respect and love for your wife...BUT it doesnt mean that you will tolerate him doin that in altimes. Hes still young dont let him think that he can do everything he want to you especially in your own house. He needs to remember how to respect, even if its not for you, just for his Mom...or if he really dont have respect at all talk to your wife heart to heart talk, as a mother too i really dont want to hear or see someones hurting my kids even their own father, but if i was your wife, though it will hurt inside of me i will ask you to call the police and let him stay in prison for one night, rather seeing you hurting or fighting with my son, try to have friend wiht him, if hes still alofe let him know and see How much you really worth to be respect ---- AS a person...
Your wife gave her heart to you with trust, i guess she loved you not just only with your physical appearance but shes with you now with her kid/s caused she Loves you and trusted you... BE real Man, you must be the KING of your own house, Do everything that you think is best for your family. Dont let the darkness came in to your castle, be more prepared. Since, seems your son starting to step in wrong path...
Goodluck and God Bless to your family...
@LadyDulce (830)
• United States
3 Aug 07
No offense sweetie, but you were a DUMB*SS for walking away from him. That child was obviously allowed to get away with it before, but this was your house and he had to right to attack you or your family in your own house, I don't care who he is. If he decided he was man enough to step to you like that, step right back. Teens, especially boys, will try to push the limits, but you need to let them know in no uncertain terms whose house it is and who's running things. If he can't handle it, then he can get to stepping. I know I had to jack my stepsons and brothers up against a wall a few times and knock some sense into them. Especially if he hit his mother! It's one thing to hit a man, but your MOM??? I'm not a very large person (5'4 and barely 120 at the time), but I wasn't about to let some half-grown man cub tell me what's up in my own house. Once they know there's an established hierarchy and they aren't going to be the one to disrupt it, things will probably settle down. That's what happened with my brothers when I was raising them. Once I knocked their brains out a time or two, they learned to respect me and obey. It's just something that has to be done with some kids. Good luck with yours, though it may be too late for that one.
Blessed Be
@bambi_doe (566)
• United States
2 Aug 07
I say send him to boot camp!! My nephew kept getiing into trouble and my sister finally told him she was sending him to camp and when he came home he was a different person all together. He has now graduated high school and attending college in the fall. Tough love is what she called it. We to have this law in our state. I would diffently get your arm checked out and tell them who did it. Take him to court and make him pay the bill. This way he will learn that if you hurt someone then you pay the price. It sounds like he needs help talking about his problems so seek a professional. Sad thing is he will probably do it again because he knows he can and the next time maybe the last. If this doesn't work boot him to the streets. He is depressed about someone or something and is taking it out on his family instead of talking to you all. Try and sit down with his mother - you - and him to discuss what is going on. Good Luck and best wishes. Post another message when you find out the results. Hugs
@bambi_doe (566)
• United States
3 Aug 07
He needs a mentor such as his friends parents. My father - in - law is a mentor to the teen across the street from him and his family told us yesterday that he has changed so much from just coming over and talking to my father - in -law. Maybe you or his mom can take him to a place where he used to visit when he was younger and talk about things happening i his life. I think he needs to know that his new family will be there for him. Take him fishing or camping. Learn what his intrests are and ask him to teach you these intrests so that you can become better friends. I would start as friends then move on to a father figure because of his past fathers doings. But an outsider while get more out of a conversation then family because a teen is afraid of what his family will feels or take the wrong why. But there is definately something bottled up in him right now that needs to come out. What was he doing before he came home that day? Maybe something happened while he was out that he did not agree with. Maybe something was said to him that was not true and he believed it was. Please don't block him out or lock him out he needs to talk to someone about his feelings. Make it a point that you are and will be a part of his family and when you love one you love everyone. Let me know how it is going o.k.? Hugs
@kiwiTank (64)
• New Zealand
2 Aug 07
Well we would send him to boot camp but in this country boot camp is for 17 yr olds and up, there is nothing for 14 yr olds, which sucks. Tough Love we are checking out this weekend, but our comunity worker that comes to see us weekly doesn't think that will work on him so much as a shrink will and seeing as he is seeing 2 shrinks for 2 diffrent things that have happend to him he has already got one seeing blue stars when he talks as in she believes everything he says which is what he wants her to say. So being depressed yes he is, but he's taking it all out on us the family and we can't do anything about it.
@kitty1234 (1476)
• United States
2 Aug 07
Sounds to me as if the child as an anger issue and needs help. I think you did the right thing by not itting him as it would only have fueled the fire within him. He may have issues because is real dad left him and having a dificult time expressing his anger. Really he does need help to get over this hurt or he will end up a broken man. Maybe you can talk to him and his mom when they are calm, call his doctor, do whatever you can to save him from himself!
@Meatballsurgery (140)
• Sweden
2 Aug 07
I have the same sort of law in my country, but I have always belived that if someone else start a fight then they can't complain if you finish i. Like for you, this kid was fighting and beating you you . but you should not let him just because he is a kid,I say if it happens again, fight back, don't kill him or hurt him for real like breacking a bone or something, just give him a good beating so that he will feel it afterwards.
I know this may make me look like a bad person to some people, but I am 21 and I have trained martial arts since I was 9, and I know that fighting is bad, BUT if someone starts it then you should show them that they chooced the wrong person to medd with.
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
2 Aug 07
nope you must not attack your son.. that is if you can help it...but i think you must report him to the police hes so abusive and must know how to respect you and family ..
@venshida (4836)
• United States
2 Aug 07
You have the right to defend yourself. I would not tolerate any child hitting me. That child will get some just deserve punishment and out of my house asap, children should respect their parents. This is bad example for the other siblings.
@Atanness (31)
• Philippines
2 Aug 07
hmm this may not sound much sir, but i believe that no matter who the person is, i believe that you should not allow them to push you around, especially in your case that you are his father. Even if he is just your stepson you still have authority over him.
And if he thinks he is a man already then go treat him like one, cut his allowance and allow him to look for money on his own. You know sir, allow him to do what a man should normally do... feed himself.
