Do men really care?

Philippines
August 2, 2007 10:59am CST
I had a very long conversation with a 16-year old girl yesterday. She just broke up with her boyfriend of two years and was feeling very very miserable. The demise of this puppy love, she told me, was due to constant fighting on account of the guy's lack of caring, which led to making the girl feel taken for granted. Now I know all this drama is coming from a teenager but it got me to thinking and I realized one unfortunate truth: apparently, the relationship problems faced by women in their 20s or 30s, or even 40s, are pretty much the same with teenagers. That is, in as far as the essence of it is concerned. And that one of the biggest relationship problems is that MEN DON'T SEEM TO CARE. I mean, really! When couples fight, it's often the women who mope and sulk, and altogether look miserable. The men however, manage to get on with their day-to-day life without a hitch. Why is that? I mean, I know men are socially, and perhaps even genetically pre-conditioned to be more rational and less emotional, but would it hurt to show the women that they care, that they're also affected?
6 people like this
18 responses
@cher913 (25895)
• Canada
2 Aug 07
i think men are inately selfish, only caring about themselves...of course there are exceptions to the rule but i think this is true in many cases. my hubby used to be like that and i left him because of that, he changed and we got back together and is a great help around the house now... but i think men are lulled into a false sense of security...
2 people like this
• Philippines
2 Aug 07
Exactly! It's like when a guy is in a relationship for some time already and it seems to be going well, he seems to feel so secure that he tends to forget his part in making the relationship work. He takes things for granted and that makes the woman feel neglected.
2 people like this
@keya2468 (289)
• India
2 Aug 07
I think men are the most selfish person in the whole universe. they don't love women. only they use women for their sake in every aspects of life. they are dependent on us,but don't love us.they just do acting with women.this is the hard truth of the life my dear friend.and we are living with this truth.
1 person likes this
@vivienna (583)
• Venezuela
2 Aug 07
I'm very sorry for you because of having so bad experiences with men. This may also be conditioned by cultural aspects. I'm from Central Europe where boys and girls are educated in indentical way. The result: character is more important than gender. Hopefully you'll learn to know that there exists another type of man!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Aug 07
I've been there before, you know -- that place of cynicism and hatred for all men -- so I pretty much understand why you say this. It's not true that all men are just "acting with women", a lot actually are sincere. And they are capable of loving women. Their only problem is they seem to be emotionally stunted when it comes to expressing their feelings and that makes women frustrated. It's sad that you feel this way about men. You really must have had it bad. But I hope someone great would come along and make you change your mind. Just remember to stretch your patience a little bit more should you begin to see signs of emotional "deficiencies", because even the greatest of men have it.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
2 Aug 07
I think it's mostly a social conditioning issue, honestly. It is true that men are told that if they are affected by their emotions to the point that they cannot go about their everyday lives, they are weak and not true men. That doesn't mean they don't care, but that they have been conditioned to hide the fact that they care. And there are some men who are fighting against this conditioning, and who will show they care even if it's not considered manly. I know because I'm married to one of them. I think it's something that in order to change requires a concentrated effort by parents not to teach their children these types of stereotypes. As soon as we stop teaching little boys that they have to be macho, we'll start seeing more and more men who are capable of showing their feelings in a relationship.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Aug 07
yup, i agree with you that a lot of the emotional issues that we deal with as adults stem from how we were influenced as children, and I'm not just talking about men. We also have been influenced by stereotypes of women when we were still little girls. Sad but true. Oh, by the way, good for you that you found someone who's not scared to show that they care! Congratulations!
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
3 Aug 07
You make a good point about girls getting the gender stereotype stuff too! Yup, I'm pretty lucky to have a guy who is willing to juet be himself. We have a lot of fun in terms of breaking gender roles, because often if we're doing chores together or something we'll suddenly realize that I'm doing all the things seen as "guy chores" and he's doing all the "girl chores". =p
1 person likes this
@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
3 Aug 07
There are a lot of j*rks in this world thus we should try to separate them from the real men. This is the main reason why women should stop making it too easy for men to hurt them. Tendency now-a-days is that women would woo men and then give everything to their men, and they end up hurt. If only women would start protecting themselves the right way. How? Well, first of all, if you pick up men from the wrong places don't expect him to be all good ~ If you meet him at the bar, well who could say that he doesn't spend half of his life there? I don't try to sound righteous, but sometimes I think women have faults in this thing too. Yes, I'm a woman, but I think some women open up themselves too fast for a guy thus exposing her weakness. Women should learn to choose too. Plus women should earn to be patient to see the real person inside the guy. Men are not aliens. They are also people. Like women they also bleed, they also cry. Like women, if they are hurt and they truly love the person they'd cry too. Also, like women, if they don't really love the person, they can dump them anytime they want. So, just that, try to be patient with your feelings. Don't overact as if the person you meet is 'the one' the 'neo' of your life and there's no one else. Try to take it easy, study his attitudes and don't open up too fast. Protect your heart. =) Well, I have also been hurt for the longest time. Now, I'm happy. And he's not all what was mentioned in the topic. He does cry. He tells me if he's hurt, and he cares a lot. I just pray that our relationship would last longer. I love him. =)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Aug 07
Hey laydee! Thanks for the comment. I have to say that I'm in the same boat as you are, even though I did open this discussion. I, too, believe that women are partly to blame for this because they allow themselves to be treated that way by men. Heck, I do it myself. But I guess if you're in a relationship with someone for quite sometime, you tend to let your guard down and forget that you're quite vulnerable to getting hurt. And yes, I agree that men also cry and feel hurt, just like women, but the difference is, women openly show it, men don't. Anyway, good luck on your relationship. Hope it works out! c",)
1 person likes this
@magikrose (5425)
• United States
2 Aug 07
I think it is because men dont know how to express there feelings without looking to girly. My husband is a guy that just dosnt know how to express his feelings to me. I have to play the 20 questions game to figure out what is bothering him. The only feeling he has no problem expressing is anger. I do know he cares about me and our kids very much. He shows it in many ways and he dosnt even realise it. Like when he goes in to work an hour early everyday just to get out an hour early so he can have more time with me and the kids. He also shows he cares by giving me a break everynow and then and takes the kids to the park or the local beach so I can have some much needed ME time. It is the little things like that, that my husband does to show me he cares. The thing is when you find the right person for you it is the little things that mean the most and the rest dosnt matter.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Aug 07
Uh-huh, men don't have any problems expressing anger, that much is true.
1 person likes this
@kitty1234 (1476)
• United States
2 Aug 07
I think men care but have been programmed not to show as much emotion. It is a social thing, "Boys don't cry", games they play are more violent, girls are programmed to be gentle and caring, but if boys show that they are considered wimps...I think they are emotional but just too afraid to show it as men are considered weak if they care. So they go on like nothing happened and hope for the best!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Aug 07
LOL In the meantime, the women are fuming out of frustration because the men just don't have a clue! And we end up dictating to them what they've done wrong and the reason why we feel the way we feel, and that even makes it even more frustrating and infuriating because it makes us feel like we're the only ones thinking about the welfare of the relationship, and so, the fighting continues. You know sometimes I wish that there's a step-by-step guide for men for every imaginable relationship error that they make so that they would know what to do without women telling them. And so when my boyfriend and I fight, I don't have to worry about talking to a clueless person.
1 person likes this
@sharkee (63)
• China
2 Aug 07
I think women are just generally needy and clingy (I'm a women by the way) by nature and when we show this to men, they react by trying to avoid us, lol. But when I was a teen I tried to avoid my BF and he reacted to that by being the needy/clingy one. Up to the point when I couldn't stand it anymore so I broke it off. Seriously, women should try to show their men that they are independent - men love independent women.
1 person likes this
@yojspew (171)
• Philippines
2 Aug 07
I guess guys just don't know how to show their emotions most of the time. Even though they are hurt, they just keep it on themselves...unlike us girls. Luckily my boyfriend is a bit a sensitive...sometimes he forgets to give me his attention but I just try to understand him...he's got lots of responsibility. I know he loves me.
• Philippines
2 Aug 07
i think they are..its just that they are not as showy like us girls..its there way of showing us that they are strong..i asked that question before to my boyfriend and he says he cares a lot,its just that he cant express his emotions that much
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Aug 07
Yes, men really care almost just like women care. The difference that causes problems is that men are happy to be in relationships where they don't really care, but want a girl friend for various different reasons. The only thing the woman can do is be objective about whether or not that man "cares" or is "using her". When this is done by women, it is suprising how much happier they are and how much their behavior resembles what could be called old fashioned morality.
1 person likes this
• India
3 Aug 07
yes absolutely men are really take care. if they respond love equally.
@redmike (153)
• Philippines
7 Aug 07
i agree to you dude...
• Romania
4 Aug 07
well i think men aren't that bad. they care, but in their own way. and they don't like to show their feelings. only if they trust you. that's what i think.
@ayris77 (1304)
• Malaysia
4 Aug 07
Men and care is cannot been throw away or split up! But sometimes girl also must been asked for this kind of question! How about you? Do you really care with your man?
@jothis (519)
• India
3 Aug 07
Its a common thinking that men are selfish and doing things only for themselves as u said. But all men are not the same. Even every individual is different from one another. By projecting some incidents what actually you are doing is to injustifying the entire male gender. this is not fair. Try to understand the personalities around ou Then you can realise that we cant make a prediction or decision that is not correct.
• Malaysia
3 Aug 07
hehe..i so agree with you - "When couples fight, it's often the women who mope and sulk, and altogether look miserable. The men however, manage to get on with their day-to-day life without a hitch." ..been there, done that. i think it depends on the individual. guys in general, likes to keep feelings to themselves and have difficulty in expressing how they feel so they appear to be insensitive and uncaring or ignorant. some guys also have this huge ego and are stubborn, so they don't want to give in and just let the girl sulk. other guys, on the other hand, try to give their girlfriends whatever she wants and will go all out to make her happy and admit their mistakes. whatever it is, deep down in their hearts, i do believe that guys do care, they're human beings with feelings, after all :)
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
3 Aug 07
I don't think many men can even comprehend where we are coming from emotionally. It isn't that they don't care. Its that they care about different things and show their love in different ways...we don't understand them either. Men will think that if they work each day, are faithful and come home each nite...then we should not question their love. Women crave a much deeper more emotional connection and one that many men just are incapable of. In saying all this, I do know and have met some men that are in touch with their sensitive side and are able to commit in this way....they just seem to be few and far between.
@redmike (153)
• Philippines
3 Aug 07
ooops, I care alot...
@vivienna (583)
• Venezuela
2 Aug 07
Of course they do, but due to educational issues, they don't do show it the same way. By the way, I always felt it one of the greatest injustices of life to be classified by my gender. There simply isn't something like "men" or "women", there are only persons of different upraising, different character, different experiences... But it seems -and I think psychology has confirmed this by stadistical investigations- that some type of subconscience is inclined to be attracted by certain type of persons. This may explain why some people never reach a happy marriage, no matter how often they try, or why -how you describe it- some women always end up decepted by men's behavior: it's because they fall always for the type of man that doesn't seem to care. So they reach they conclusion that "men" are insensible beings and women are the emotional and delicate ones. If you wonder, I'm female, but I really love the opposite gender and know that many men are very sensible and understanding. :)