grandparents disciplining thier grandkids

my nephews and niece - the girl at the center is the kid my mom is taking care of..and the one beside her (left) is his brother.They are lovely but they can be source of big headcahes sometimes.
@cefaz_21 (2597)
Philippines
August 14, 2007 12:36am CST
I had a talk with my mom just a while ago and she was so upset, she lives with my elder sister's family and she takes good care of thier younger daughter who is 5 years old.She send her off to school and wait patiently for her too. They have a son who is 7 years old who'se very much into pokemon now a days, exams week last week and my nephew's grades they said were so low and mom didn't like that coz this kid used to be on top of his class. So mom didn't allow him to play pokemon yesterday and instead asked him to study his lessons. My brother in-law got mad and turn things to my parents without my siter knowing it. This morning,My brother in law doesn't want mom to send the younger daughter to school anymore.. so mom called,crying and telling me she will go back home to the province tommorrow. I'm talking to my sister later tonight...Family problems like this makes me sad..what more? dad is even angier than mom, I guess they we're really hurt. Do you have these kind of conflicts in your family? How and what can I possibly say to both of them? to my sis and my mom?In a way,I'm kinda hurt too..my mom is 68 and my dad is 70 and yet,they're still helping us.. (sigh)
4 people like this
12 responses
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
14 Aug 07
Your brother-in-law is definitely wrong to treat your mom like that. It sounds like he does not appreciate the help that she is giving. That is her grandchild and she loves him and wants to see him succeed in life. There is nothing wrong with what she did. When I was living with my sister, her husband, and their six children, I got those kind of messages all the time. Especially from my sister. She would say, you had no business butting in, we are their parents. Although, I was the one who took care of them when they went to work. I moved out, problem solved.
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
14 Aug 07
that's what mommy wants, leave my sister's home but she is also considering how my siter would cope up knowing there will be nobody around to take care of her kids. :) I'm so envious of my sister sometimes,since she is the eldest she got all the best from our parents..:)Hope she and her husband realize that.
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
14 Aug 07
I have learned not to envy people because you don't know what all they have gone through or what they will have to endure before leaving this earth.
1 person likes this
@larskie23 (867)
• Philippines
14 Aug 07
its the usual problem, when a couple lives with a parent, like your mother who lives with your sister, there will always come a time that there will be misunderstanding. i heard my sister always complain about her in-laws, the difference is, her in-laws love her kids and when they talk to the kids and do some sermon, she just let them and understand first the situation before reacting. i think, your brother in law reacted negatively right away so things burst out of control. best way is, talk to your mom and your sister. hope all is well sooner. :-)
2 people like this
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
14 Aug 07
thanks! I told mom, maybe my brother in law is in bad mood or maybe tired coz he is usually a soft spoken person..my mom loved thier kids so much too.
1 person likes this
@mkirby624 (1599)
• United States
15 Aug 07
its so hard to live with parents. it's great that your parents have a place to live with family so they can be taken care of and also feel like they are still taking care of people too. I'm sorry this happened. I think the communication lines between your sister/brother in law and your parents need to be opened up. There clearly needs to be a discussion on what your parents are allowed to do there and what they are not allowed to do. However, if your mom does all that work to help out, it only seems right that she also has the ability to discipline the kids when it is needed. They should really communicate about it.
1 person likes this
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
15 Aug 07
That's what I thought too..They should tel mom (they should have done this long before) where and when the line ends in her disciplining those kids,or they should be more open with each other..I'll probably suggest this to my sis.Thanks!
@yojspew (171)
• Philippines
14 Aug 07
I think there's nothing wrong with what your mom did...she loves her grandchildren so much that's why she's disciplining them. I think your sister needs to talk to her husband...let him see your mom's point why she did it...your sister's husband really must apologize to your mom.
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
15 Aug 07
thank you..I know in no time,they'll realize that mom is just trying to help and that she love those kids so much. :)
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
14 Aug 07
I've had some conflicts with my mother when she was helping me with my children. I don't think it ever got to the point where she didn't want to help me any more. I don't even think the problems were ever about how she handled things with my children. There were some things that she did, that I didnt agree with, but I usually kept those thoughts to myself. I knew that she was doing me a favor by helping me. It has been a while since she took care of them a lot. My children are old enough now where they don't need a lot of supervision, so, I'm having to think back a bit. Most of our conflicts were actually about her telling me how I should discipline my children, not me telling her now to. I don't think you should get to caught in the middle of things. It think you should let the problem be between your sister and your parents. If anyone asks you what you think, then you should be honest, but you shouldn't call up your sister and brother-in-law and tell them what to do. I feel bad for your mom. She was just trying to help. Take care.
1 person likes this
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
15 Aug 07
Thanks! That's actually what mu husband said..why am i into this? I shouldn't be caught in the middle of things-you said it right.. well, Mom knows I can be a good listener..:) and that I always try my best to make her feel good.
@livewyre (2455)
14 Aug 07
I think your brother-in-law is maybe uncomfortable with having his in-laws being over-influential in his home. One thing is clear, it is a parent's place to discipline children. The parents have to live with the consequences and so HAVE to make these important decisions. Each case of course is different, and if the children's Father does NOT take an active part in discipline then someone has to... but I would say that your Mom has to allow the Father and Mother to take the principle role in this area - I can see that she has a very active role in the children's life and that is really great! I don't this is what you wanted to hear, but what I am saying is put yourself in his position - if your 'in-laws' handed out punishments to your children, wouldn't you want to take control?? I would...! I think that Grandparents have a VERY valuable role and are a great resource for kids, but they are not the principle carers and must act accordingly.
1 person likes this
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
15 Aug 07
I agree with you..that the parents should have the full control over thier kids..so when it comes to disciplining them,they should come first. I actually said this to mom... I just hope she understand that.:(
@pinnibabu (135)
14 Aug 07
First of all hats off to your mother who has been kind enough to take care of her grandchildren. Very sweet of your parents who at this age are helping their children. U personally need not feel bad about this whole issue because this problem exists in most of the houses. There is generation gap too. Children today can not relate in anyway to their grandparents. I guess your parents should stay separetely on their own. This is what I and my husband will be doing after our retirement. Now a day people prefer nuclear families. Joint family culture is slowly vanishing.
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
14 Aug 07
thank you..you're right my mom has been so kind that even in her old age still manage to help her children. I guess that's where the problem comes,generation gap.Mom want her grandson to study and excel like what she did to us when we were kids,but my brother in law doesnt look at it on the same level.He said kids should enjoy and play..I don't have kids yet so hopefully when I have mine,I know what to do.
1 person likes this
@CaitBaby (447)
• United States
14 Aug 07
My grandparents have been a major part of my life. Occansionally I think it's ok for them to discipline their grandchildren. Mine did, but for the most part they were there for me when things weren't going ok with my parents. Anyway, I think your brother in law was out of line to treat your mother that way. Your parents sound like really nice people and your brother in law should be thankful for that.
@cutepenguin (6457)
• Canada
14 Aug 07
I don't know. My in-laws drive me crazy about a lot of things, and they never think anything they do is wrong, and my sister-in-law thinks I should just put up with it. She's actually mad at my husband and I because we stopped putting up with it, and now we only see my in-laws once a week. So I can see how this could be a difficult situation for everyone. I don't have kids yet, but if my in-laws lived with me, I think that there would be very clear house rules - obviously I would expect my kids to listen to their grandparents, but I'd want my parents and my husband's parents to be very clear on what the rules were and what things I considered my decisions.
1 person likes this
• Rwanda
14 Aug 07
It's good to let's kids study hard but there is this saying that says "all work without play makes Jack a dull boy". I think it's good granny asked the kid to study his books. But my advice will good the father of the kid (your Brother inlaw) that he should allow the child to be disciplined cause if he continue to fail in his studies it will be a loss him of the money he has spent on his studies. And my advice to granny (Your mum) is that the kid should not be treated with an iron hand, there are many ways by which you can treat a child or persuade him which will not make him/her sad, I mean she should it with an OLD WOMAN TECHNIQUE cause she has got so many experience by which child can be trained from her youth till now ( I mean when was nurturing her own kids) and I don't think that kid can beat her EXPERIENCE. Thanks
• United States
14 Aug 07
Conflicts happen in all families. Just let them know that you are there for them. I have no problem with grandparents discipling their grandkids. I'm not a grandparent but I discipline other people's kids all the time. If they are in my home or in my care for any reason; then they are fair game as far as I'm concerned. They will respect me and my rules or they will 'hear about it'.
1 person likes this
@Celanith (2334)
• United States
15 Aug 07
We have in-law problems with DIL and lying about things, created lots of hurt to whole family. She says she did nothing but we have documented proof she did. Things getting better but our son won't talk to me and didn't send me a card or call on Mothers day or My birthday which was this past weekend. His wife has him by the nose. He refuses to counsel with the rest of the family. It is long and complicated but we used to be a strong united family until he married his wife. Now he barely is civil to two of his siblings and not at all to the brother he was closest to until two years ago. It makes me sad and hurt and my husband is too. But we can only Pray and eventually things will work out.