How can I be supportive?

Canada
August 14, 2007 2:42pm CST
Many of you already know from my previous discussions about my friend and her 4 boys and how I felt disrespected and that she was not supportive when I lost my baby 3 months ago... For those that don't I went into the hospital on the night of May 23/2007 I had high blood pressure in my last 2 pregnancies...I have given birth to 3 kids all together and one did not survive...I found out that night I had a severe case of pre-acclamsia toxemia and that my babies heart was not beating...Her blood supply and oxygen were cut off... The day of my daughters funeral I felt like she was not there for me and that the day was all about her not my husband and I and what we were going through I know many people don't know what to say and that is understandable but to make the grieving more about themselves then the person going through it is wrong I think... I got a call from this friend today..Now she is dealing with her own family loss she found out her brother was killed yesterday...I honestly with the type of person I am don't want to not be there and be supportive but I don't know what I can say or do as I felt she wasn't there for me as much as I needed her to be...What would you do?
6 people like this
7 responses
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
15 Aug 07
As hard as it was that she was not supportive you need to put it in the back of your Mind now and do what you have to do 2 wrongs does not make it right Sweetie, follow your mind and do what it tells you to do Me, Yes I would be there for her no matter that she wasn't for me as that is the type of Person I am and that is why I get hurt and kicked so often but I still do not learn, because I am the type of Person to help and support where I can That is what I would do, forget for now what she was like and be there for her as much as you can Big Hugs to you and I hope you do what you think is right not what anyone else thinks Sweetie follow your Heart
2 people like this
• Canada
15 Aug 07
gabs sweetie hugzzzzz you tight you could not of hit the nail on the head any better then you did..That is exactly how I'm thinking and feeling and that is who I am too I'm there for people no matter what...I guess I was just worried that with me still grieving myself over my babygirl that I might be unaware of my actions and come across mean to her..She may be stopping by for coffee today and I'm hoping I can sound reassuring and like I'm there for her...I did before we hung up i'm home all night and day tomorrow if she needs me call...But my voice I felt like in some ways I was being rude I don't know..
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
15 Aug 07
Sweetie I am glad that it has helped you will do just fine
2 people like this
• Canada
15 Aug 07
thanks hun hugzzzzzzzz you tight...I'm sure i will do okay..
1 person likes this
• Canada
21 Aug 07
First off I know that she wasn't very supportive through your loss, she has made her cheeky comments, given attitude, etc so I can understand why you are so upset at her for not supporting her. BUT 2 wrongs don't make a right, and you are definitly being the bigger and better person by being there for her if that is what you chose to do.
2 people like this
• Canada
21 Aug 07
I'm trying so very very hard to be there for her and let her talk about her brother and not make it all about me..But Also it brings me back to when I tried to talk to her about my baby and she just turned it around of what she was going through..My hubby and I were supposed to be bringing this little baby home and care for her now we have empty arms from her..And we payed for her service etc..So believe you me I'm trying so hard to be the better person as You are right and I know 2 wrongs don't make a right...
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 Aug 07
I know you just recently paid for the services and burial of your baby girl and I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now. I am really proud of you for being the bigger and better person by not showing the insensitivity that she showed you!
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8523)
• Sweden
15 Aug 07
sounds to me like this is a one way friendship in some ways. I would probably be there for her during this time, and when she is "ok" again have a talk and make sure that she knows how much she has hurt me. I am also sure that I would not ever rely on this person -. or even trust her again. i am really orry for your loss =(
2 people like this
• Canada
15 Aug 07
yes in some ways I feel that is how it is..I was there for her when a good friend who was like a brother was killed and she wasn't for me now she turns to me with her actual brother being killed and I'm still grieving I feel bad this happened to her and I want to try and be there as much as I can but I'm still dealing with my own grief right now and I hope i do not say or do the wrong thing and thanks for your condolances hugzzzz
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
15 Aug 07
In this instance I would say 2 wrongs do not make a right. You believe she wasn't there for you. Every one in their own way grieve differently.I do not think this is the time or place to get even, or teach someone a lesson. I admit I an not fully aware of all that has gone on. But I do know what it is like to have a child die. Sorrow is sorrow. I am asking you to be a mature adult and do what is right, and then when things calm down you can ask her what was going on .This just my opinion, and as I said I am not aware of the full story, but perhaps an outsider just getting a peek, can see a bit better than some one who has their vision clouded by tears.
@cikedo (3487)
• United States
15 Aug 07
It was very cold of your friend to not lend all the support she could in your time of need. With that said, I don't believe that you should stop being supportive of your friend in her time of need. That would only leave the both of you hurt and nobody wants that.
2 people like this
• Canada
15 Aug 07
yes it was I guess at first I didn't know how to react and I'm hoping as though I didn't come across mean and un supportive with still dealing with my own grief...And you are absolutly right it's like the saying goes two wrongs don't make a right hugzzz you..
1 person likes this
@someonesmom (5768)
• Canada
14 Aug 07
I'm very sorry to hear that your friend was so insensitive at the time of your loss, and it appears she has been ever since. She had no right to suggest that your daughter would be spoiled because of your loss. If you want to 'spoil' her, in any case, it's none of this friend's business. From what I can recall, your daughter is still under 2, and you really can't give too much love to a child. It is tragic that her brother's been killed, and I'm sure she's suffering because of this. Many people don't realize what grief is, until they're touched by it. I've also found that 'some' people don't think the loss of a baby at birth, is a 'true loss,' and so they don't understand the grief that the parents go through. This is very wrong. I'm sure you'll be able to say the appropriate things to her, when you see her, but just 'do what you can,' as you're still dealing with your own loss. Take care of yourself.
• Canada
15 Aug 07
thank you for that I'm the type of person that is very caring of others but am still hurt but don't want to come across like I don't care what she is going through but I'm still dealing with my own as well...hugzzzzz thanks for the great advice..
1 person likes this
• Canada
17 Aug 07
You're welcome. I hope that you were able to be there for your friend, but at the same time, let her know that what you're going through, is very 'real,' and that you 'expect' her to understand this as well.
1 person likes this
• Canada
17 Aug 07
yes I've told her when she needs to talk call i've left that up to her as yes I'm dealing with my own right now too...And when things clear for both of us and I'm ready I will let her know I needed time to adjust and to get through my own grief...I felt in some ways you wouldn't let me talk about that with you..You told me your side of it but didn't let me talk about mine...Thanks hun hugzzz
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23709)
21 Aug 07
Aww sweety I remember you telling me about this friend! Normally I would say that she didn't know what to say perhaps but I recall having a conversation about this before! You are not the type of person to ignore a friend in need because she was not supportive of you when you needed her most! I know you will support her in any way you can but you have to let her know that you are still grieving yourself and while you are there for her their are limitations to what you can cope with! I still keep you in my prayers sweets and think of you often - I do so hope that you are doing well xxxxx
1 person likes this
• Canada
21 Aug 07
You are absoulty right I'm not and I've done what I can to be there for her...And let her talk...I also keep my own greif inside and call the friend I can talk to about it and let it out..I'm doing better it's is getting slowly better day by day I still think of her everyday and my sleeping patterns have been all messed up cuz my body and mind were preparing for a newborn..I have alot of friends and family around me supporting me and loving me and that includes my wonderful friends here in mylot hugzzzz Sweet