Can a Secret Love Affair help your troubled legitimate relationship?

Love Affair - lovers
Netherlands
August 16, 2007 1:27am CST
I just had a discussion with a GF of mine, who is married and has 2 adorable boys, aged 8 and 4 years old. Her married life has become boring, and she needs passion in order to feel good. She started an affair with the music teacher of her older son, and the guy is very nice, and successful, and about to be divorced from his wife, and they are living apart for the last 6 months now. She, my GF doesn't want to divorse with her husband, nor does she want to break his heart, and kept it secret. Ok, but her husband found out and gave her as ultimatum to stop seeing the guy. I told her to do so, and to not look back, and give all that she can to make the relationship with her husband all right again. She will try, but knowing her, she might not be able to stop the relationship with the music teacher, as she seems madly in love with the guy. She keeps saying, it is for the best of her relationship with her husband as she is filled with passion and fire, but she is hurting him, and he seems to know that her fire and passion is because of the other guy and not because of him. What will be your advice to my GF, now you know everything?
6 people like this
13 responses
@maiax2k6 (535)
• Philippines
17 Aug 07
The answer is obviously plain and simple - it does not help at all. In fact it is worsening the situation between her and her husband. Her married life is in trouble, and she's stirring up all the more the turmoil. but then of course, it takes two to tango just as it takes two to spar. and your friend cannot be 100% put to blame. the husband had a weakness too and just as well contributory to the failing relationship. It's just that your friend had the more contribution to the already belaguered situation. she is responding negatively to an already negative situation. what's worse is that she's trying to justify what obviously is a big mistake, she refused to see the negative consequences, and she's not apologetic about it - looking at it, you as a friend is the one seeing this as a problem rather than her enjoying the situation. she even think she's doing her marriage a favor by fanning on her passion, which i think is downright selfish and irreposnible. ask her, what does she really care for now? what's the more important thing for her to work on for. is it keeping her marriage and giving the children a complete family? or is it her claim to personal happiness or passion with another person? i'm not saying that this latter is a bad idea, since the pursuit to happiness is a universal drive too to keep us surviving. but in the light of all her personal needs and motivations she has to make a decision or a priority of decisions- ones that are morally right and benificial in a longer term to everyone concerned. going around this question, she might be able to come up with the right and more responsible and mature solution.
2 people like this
• Netherlands
17 Aug 07
Thank you Maiax2k6 for a great answer in the discussion. So much so that I gave it the Best reply". I will bring what you wrote in regards when she gets back home in a few dasy. And I hope she will be able to take the right conclusion, an soon.
1 person likes this
@maiax2k6 (535)
• Philippines
18 Aug 07
thanks for the 'best' mark, really appreciate that. i maybe thinking aloud about what's the most pragmatic thing to do in such a situation, i just hope this will have its good use on your friend's concern. smiles.
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
18 Aug 07
Hiya Maiax2k6, you're welcome :), and I printed the replies and will show her all of it, in the hope she'll make the best out of the situation while still in time. Have a nice wekend!
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8523)
• Sweden
16 Aug 07
If she is madly inlove with the other guy she probably has no buisness at all with the husband. Set him free and let him find someone that can be true and respectful to him instead of cheating and betraying him. I have been cheated on and it hurts like hell. I do not belive that it is good for the relation at all!
2 people like this
• Netherlands
17 Aug 07
Thanks for your opinion in the discussion Marie2473, and I agree with you, cheating is hurting enormously, for the cheated person that is.
1 person likes this
@jaichen (142)
• Philippines
16 Aug 07
doing something bad cannot fix something that is already bad.. it's actually up to her... she might suffer the consequences at a later time.. hopefully, her heart can take the pain in the future.. it is not easy to betray people... for example, if she is the one to be betrayed? can she take the feeling? let her put her shoes on her husband's end...
2 people like this
• Netherlands
16 Aug 07
Hi Jaichen, her husband is too tired from overworking all the time, and this is part of the problem with them two. He is tired, getting depressed, and sleeps a lot, while she wants passion, loving, going around. She saiz, I am working also the entire day with the two kids, and the home, and whatnot, but he is pertinently tired and I need to LIVE at the fullest, and now, before I get too old to even enjoy it. But than she adds, I dont want to divorce and have my family broken, as for the music teacher, she is in love now, but she doesnt want him as a husband or something...
2 people like this
16 Aug 07
I think she is kidding herself. She can't have both men. She has betrayed her husband's trust. I doubt she can ever get that back. She has two young kids. If she doesn't want a divorce, then she needs to stop seeing that music teacher and get her priorities in order. If her home life is that boring then maybe she needs to spruce it up a bit. She needs to treat her hubby with respect and stop treating him like a fool. What happened to her marriage vows?
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Aug 07
I agree. Cheating is a lousy way to spice up a marriage that has gone boring.
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
16 Aug 07
Hi Spiritwolf, yes she is kidding herself, you used the exact words I told her last night when she called with the latest news of the affair... The problem is - her husband really loves her too much, and is maybe too forgiving. She on the other hand loves him yes but is not iin love with him anymore, and because of knowing she is everything for him, while he is not everything for her - she's kind of the boss of the situation, she's saying her husband is AFRAID that she will leave him, and she has to keep him calm with re-assuring him that she will not as she loves the family, the children and him enough to not be willing to divorce and do that to all of them - broken family. All in all - poor guy
1 person likes this
@susieq223 (3742)
• United States
17 Aug 07
How can it be for the best in her relationship with her husband when her passion and fire if for someone else? How can she be a good role model for her children when she is ready to lie and cheat in her marriage? It sounds like the marriage had gotten to that inevitable point where the "romance" wore off. This is the time when love can grow if the partners work together. Love is not about passion and fire. Ever heard the term "too hot not to cool down"? That is what is going on with her affair. After awhile she will get to the same point with the music teacher that she got to with her husband. Does she plan to hop from man to man in order to stay passionate? She is hurtin everyone involved here, most of all herself. I doubt if you can tell her anything, because she is not in the mood to hear you, unless you ok her behavior. I do hope she comes to her senses soon, before she loses out on everything. Tell her this message comes from one who has been there, done that and regrets it!!!!
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
18 Aug 07
Hi Susieq, You are so right, and I will definitely let her see your answer, in the hope she'll get "real" and start thinking, instead of reacting to her instincts, as this is what it's all about, and going on right now. Thank you so much for jumping in and sharing your views :)
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
17 Aug 07
I think when you bring a third party into a troubled relationship that you only add to the trouble. Once trust is broken then it is very hard to get back. I would say that for your girlfriend it is probably more exciting but for her husband, it probably is not. It takes two to make a relationship work. Eventually he will get tired of the doormat role and as much as he loves her now, i don't see it lasting unless she gives up the other guy. Now she will not only have to add excitement to their relationship but deal with trust issues etc. She does not sound remorseful at all...this will no doubt blow up in her face.
• Netherlands
17 Aug 07
Hi Sid56, thank you for replying. And I so agree with you. And no, she is no remorseful at all. I will do an other long talk with her when she gets back in a few days
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Aug 07
If she felt that way, she should of maybe brought it up with the husband. There are couples who sucessfully have open relationships. It depends on the two people mostly involved though. She should rekindle things if she really wants to be with him, and get over it. If not, divorce. Its not going to be easy for them or the boys but its better than wasting your life with someone you don't love.
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
17 Aug 07
Thank you Prehistoricyall, for your views in this. And yes, she did speak with him about it when he found out. I do not know the exact talk between them two, as she only told me that he asked her to never see the guy again. Which she obviously doesn't follow
1 person likes this
@gloria777 (1678)
• India
16 Aug 07
Now its(affair with music teacher) not at all secrete your friend should stop seeing the guy and try to work on her marital relationship. It will help really have a good impact on her children too in future.
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
16 Aug 07
Hi Gloria, and thank you for replying :) and I agree with you, yes, she should stop with the music teacher, and forgood
1 person likes this
• Canada
16 Aug 07
What kind of a question is that? How can an affair help a relationship? How can cheating on the partner you have help your relationship with that partner? Cheating is just avoiding the problem, while feeding your own selfish needs for physical or emotional closeness. If you want to be with someone else, break up with the first partner first!!
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
16 Aug 07
Hi Danishcanadian, What do you mean with "what kind of question is that"? I explained the entire situation, and asked: "What would be your advice now you know everything"? And if you read what I answered to the previous posts, you'll see that I gave her as advice to cut the story and do her best to save the marriage if she wants to stay married. And it is not me, (I have no children and live together with my partner for the last 26 years) :)
1 person likes this
@alexigne (903)
• Philippines
26 Mar 08
just be true to herself no matter how hard and whatever the consequences is...
@whyaskq (7553)
• Singapore
16 Aug 07
I would think your friend is playing with fire. She is putting her own marriage at stake, betraying her husband and children. In my opinion, if she loves her family, she should be putting her effort and love on her family and not for herself. Afterall, she has been "warned" by her husband whom I feel has a big heart not to kick up a fuss over her affair.
• Netherlands
16 Aug 07
Hi Whyaskq, thank you for replying :) When I said approximately what you've said here, she replied to me - I have given more than enough of my life to bring this family up, and am tired to always sacrifising myself for him and the kids. While I love them, I need to have a life as well, and now, not while I become an old and tired woman!
1 person likes this
@whyaskq (7553)
• Singapore
16 Aug 07
Personally, I guess she would need to learn her lesson the hard way. I am sure everyone who has a family can also enjoy life meaningfully and with a purpose. Perhaps she finds more thrill in affairs. What if she gets tired of the teacher? Go for another one? History will keep repeating until she is matured enough.. I am sure she is madly in love with her husband too before they get married.
• Netherlands
16 Aug 07
Hi Whyaskq, and yes, she will continue with it, as long as her husband keeps tired, and sleeping, and being depressed as this is what she told me. I hope that something happens in time so that she could see what she is doing not only to him, but to all of them, as she seems blind for possible consequences right now, and feels like she is the boss of the situation, everyone depending on her, and she can do whatever she pleases...
1 person likes this
@pendragon (3354)
• United States
16 Aug 07
I think what she did to her husband is the worst thing someone could do to someone they love, she's probably injured their relationship beyond repair and should let him go,, if she's so in love with the cheater.It isn't fair whatsoever.
• Netherlands
16 Aug 07
Hi Pendragon, thank you for your point of vuew. And unfortunately not, she feels like the boss, and able to do whatever she wants, because he will keep forgiving her rather than that she leaves him...
@pendragon (3354)
• United States
16 Aug 07
He might just hurt enough someday to leave her instaed, and her being the "boss"...well, the bigger they are the harder they fall. if she even still cares by then. I wish the husband luck.
• Netherlands
16 Aug 07
Hi Pendragon, I told her that since she is not listening to my advice, but keeps telling me all details, that I really don't want to know anymore, is better that she goes on from here on her own. She felt bad about it, and not the right thing for a friend - me, to do, but I was firm. I told her that I really need peace for at least a week, as all of this is becoming too much for me. I also cannot look her husband in the eyes no more because I feel guilty for knowing what is going on between them, on a very intimate level, something that he doesn't even know - if you know what I mean. I will definitely never tell him, or anyone all that I know, as this is part of my character, but I need her to take her own responsabilities from now on, and make decisions and choices dictated by her own heart.
• United States
28 Mar 08
I noticed that this discussion was 8 months ago. I hope your GF has worked this situation out. It is never good to have a relationship like this outside of a marriage. It puts a lot of stress on the marriage itself. She talks about passion and fire. The passion and fire she had with her husband at first can be rekindled. There are things she can do to make things better in bed. Do different things. Don't do the same thing all the time. If she is not one to take the initiative in the bed start to do this at different times. Never letting him know when you are going to be the one in charge. Her saying that it is best for her relationship with her husband is a lame excuse for having extramatrial relationships. It sounds to me as though she wants her cake and be able to eat it to. I am not judging your GF just saying she can't have it both ways.