kids and step parents

United States
August 20, 2007 10:19pm CST
ok i have a problem and i would like to know how to solve it. here it goes....i have been married to my nusband now for 4 years, we have been together for a total of 6 years. i have wo boys to a previous relationship they are 10 and 7. when i started dating my husband (jamie) my boys absolutly just loved him, there dad was not in there life for about 2 years untill he found out that i finally found someone that loved me and my kids, then he started to come around.lets put it this way my youngest son did not like men at all,when he was born his father did not really want anything to do with him,he started to call him dad, as he was very young so he didnt know anything different, but that is a long story to get into. when jamie and i finally got married the boys were fine with it, then all of a sudden my 10 year old would come home after being with his dad saying jamie is no good mom, i am not allowed to be around him, then it got worse. so we decided to have one on one time where jamie would take one at a time and do something special with them then it got better for a while now it is going right back down hill... no matter what i do i dont know how to fix this... i try to explain that it is ok to have two dads but they just wont seem to listen.... my 10 year lod is the one i have the most problems with with this, my 7 year old usually just follows his big brother....i need some advise can someone help me out with this?????
2 people like this
7 responses
@BlueAngelRS (2900)
• Canada
21 Aug 07
This is just an opionion and observation it sounds like to me that their bilogical dad is jelous of your relationship since it took another man coming in to make him realize his role...I'm wondering if your ex isn't the one putting these ideas into your 10 year olds head that your husband is bad and no good for them...Since it wasn't til he started seeing his bilogical dad that he did this...I would have a talk with your ex or maybe even your 10 year old I remember when my son would go see his dad when we weren't together he would tell me what was said and what happened that way I would know how to deal with it...hope this helps good luck
3 people like this
• United States
22 Aug 07
yes you are very right. at one point he had told me "if you divorce jamie i will sign off on the boys and never come back." he had abused me for seven years too long when we were together and i was not about to bow down to him again. from there it has got alot worse. but of course i am the ba person out of all of this in his eyes..i just keep hopeing that the boys wil realize sooner than later that their dad is not all he makes them believe that he is...he buys them what they want when they want it takes them out to eat a few times a week to the movies all the time, i dont have that kind of money to do that i have a 6 year old as well at home he is my step son. and i am not going to leave him out of things like that. we try to do things as a family that we dont have to pay boko bucks to do.
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 Aug 07
I hope they do and I'm sure they will my sons dad was pretty much the same way and my son realized that I was doing the best that I could do with the money that I have...But also the lesson I truly believe that your boys will learn is that money doesn't buy love and affection...And that is what is sounds like your ex is going and high fives to you for not putting up with the abuse your ex put you through that is so wonderful and I'm so happy you met a man that makes you happy and loves you for who you are hugzzzzz.
2 people like this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
21 Aug 07
It sounds to me like it is time to have a group meeting with your ex and your husband and the boys. From what i'm reading it sounds as if your ex is making the boys feel guilty for time with your husband?? Your boys should be able to enjoy jamie and his role in their lives as a step-dad, role model etc. They should be able to have a relationship with their dad without feeling guilty.
3 people like this
• United States
22 Aug 07
thank you i agree but i know that will never happen jamie and him do not get a ong although they used to back in school untill you said he and i got together. let me tell you this we went on a canoe trip over night a few years ago and my oldest loved it jamie and him did alot of fishing and walking he was so excited that he told his dad. when he came back he told me that he was not allowed to go again because we will drowned him. what kind of person tells their kids that???? no matter what we do as a family we get ridiculed for it and the boyus come back and say that dad says that jamie is no good mom. there have been a few times that the boys wont even give jamie a hug when their dad is around. they say because jamie is not my dad. we have been together for about 6 years now. i feel guilty because i have no idea what eles to do about this.
2 people like this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
22 Aug 07
This is really sad because it sounds as if jamie is a good person and has welcomed your boys into his heart along with you. It sounds as if the boys really do care for him but are being swayed by thier dad. It is sad that rather than appreciate that you are with someone that is good to you and the boys that the dad has chosen to display what is very obvious jealousy and insecurity. In time the boys will see thru all of this as they grow older and are not so easily influenced. I know it is very frustrating but i would not push the boys but also don't tolerate them being rude to jamie. Kids are very very perceptive and this is very apt to backfire on their dad in the end.
@CaitBaby (447)
• United States
21 Aug 07
It sounds like it's their biological father who is feeding them this stuff. They need to be with their real father, but your husband is more of a father to them than he is. He's a major part of the family and your boys need to realize he is a good man. Kids tend to have hard feelings against step parents. I can honestly say that I almost hate my stepmother, but that's because she turned my dad into an awful person. Anyway, your boys are young. When they get older they'll understand that Jamie is an asset to the family and that he cares for both you and them. :)
• United States
22 Aug 07
i just hope they realize sooner than later that jamie does love them like his own.. and their father just needs to grow up and realize no matter what he tries to do he jamie will always be a big part of their lives. thank you
1 person likes this
@prily9 (568)
• Indonesia
21 Aug 07
I guess first you talk with your ex asking what did he said?. second ask your children why they change his mind. third if they still won't listen with your explanation put your son in a busy schedule and try to find their friends with the parents in situation like you ( I mean get marry again and the children have 2 dads ) of course you must find children who accept their step parents perhaps that will make your children think?. and for your husband and you. must be extra patience to deal with your children. I hope things will get better soon.
3 people like this
• United States
22 Aug 07
my husband has two older children and their mom got married so they have a step dad that they get along with very well. my boys know this they have even talked to the other two about theire step dad. it seems to be fine for a while to the point where they want to do things with him then all of a sudden it goes to i dont like jamie you need to get a divorce from him. i am just stumped i am running out of things to do. but thank you
1 person likes this
@tuffy999 (794)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
the way i look at it you have to talk to their father your ex-husband. it's very obvious that he is the root of the problem. we just don't know what he tells these boys and how he manipulates their young minds. true in any divorce it's always the children that gets affected the most but as adults and parents it's our job to make it less traumatic for the children by giving them support and positive outlook, in which case their father seems to be doing the opposite. good luck and my prayers.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Aug 07
i agree, i dont know what he tells the boys and i know that they do have attitude with their dad every once in a while. but when i ask them why, they dont want to tell me s in my mind i think he was bad mouthing us and they didnt like it. i just hope the dad just will grow up soon... thank you for your prayers..
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
22 Aug 07
It sounds to me like the Dad is trying to turn the boys against the Stepdad...especially since you say he came back from his Dad's with the new attitude. It may be that the Dad is trying to cause problems between you and your new husband. Short of pushing for counceling or supervised visits...I'd try having a talk with the ex. I guess you could also limit visits and see if it helps. AT PEACE WITHIN
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Aug 07
thank you... if i could i would limit visits but because of a custody battle gone wrong they now live with their dad and i only see them a few times a week and on weekends. i know the dad is trying to cause problems but it just dont work my husband and i have a strong relationship so all his efforts are not working...i have tried to talk to the ex but he wants things done his way or no way, he is kind of hard to get a long with..
• United States
21 Aug 07
Awww hun..i dont know what all to tell you..its hard always having a step parent period,,and from what i know..your kids real donor most likely talks crap about your new husband..tryiong to make him hate Jamie..i would suggest someday getting him someone to talk to like a therpist or councelor..maybe having a middle man involved would help him..and kids can be weird too..they tell us someday they cant stand us..and other days they love us soo much..so him saying things about his step dad is kinda the same but different lol..i really wish you the best of luck my dear,..,and take care!
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Aug 07
ok about a year ago i had to take my 10 year old to a counsaler after he had punched me in the face i was not happy and had no idea what to do.... he went once a week for about a month. well the lady had asked if it would be ok to talk to his dad on a few visits, i told her that that was fine as i thought he was a part of the problem. they both went to one visit and his father decided not to take him to his next few meeting well lets just say that was the last time he wa there.... his dad felt it was a waste of time. things were good for a while then it all started again. but thank you for the luck.
1 person likes this