My sister takes advantage of my mom!

@sunshine4 (8710)
United States
August 23, 2007 2:15pm CST
I can't stand the way my sister is taking advantage of my mom. My sister is 44 and married. She has one daughter who is 4. My mom is 76 and still working. Everyday my mom has off from work, my sister calls her and asks her to meet her for lunch. My mom does and ends up paying for it every time. My mom also helps my sister and her husband, who both have great full time jobs, pay thier bills! I can't believe this! She pays for their electric and gas bills. Hello~ they are adults, don't you think that they should be paying for their own bills? My mom also is constantly buying their daughter new clothes, videos and toys. This makes me angry because my mother has 7 other grandchildren (4 are mine) and she doesn't buy them anything just out of the blue. I have said to my mom that she should make my sister pay for herself and mom says that they don't make enough money. Well, they make more money than my husband and I do and we seem to be able to pay our bills. This really makes me mad. Any advice?
6 people like this
22 responses
@Phoenix9 (59)
• Canada
23 Aug 07
Honestly, there is not much you can do about it. Your mom is 76 and still works. ( What a spunky lady). I agree it sounds like your sister is taking advantage of your mom, but at the same time your mom is willing to do it and help them. As long as your mom is off sound mind and is aware of what she is doing, she has the right to make that choice. My advice for you is to ignore and bite your lips until it bleeds. There is no sense in getting into debates or arguments with your mom. It will be interesting to see when your mom needs your sisters help if she will be there by your moms side. Usually that is not the case. The child that the parent favoured is nowhere to be found when it comes time to help and take care of their parent. Don't dwell on it, don't waste your energy on it. The only thing you can do is live and live well. You have four children and a husband focus on them and say to heck with this crap. I come from a large family, there is always action going on, fights, feuds, disputes, jealous. I do what I advised you, I IGNORE THEM WHEN THEY START ALL THAT CRAP. Hope that helps.
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
23 Aug 07
Thanks for the great advice. I know that even now when my mom needs help with something, she calls me and my husband. My sister never helps her out...so you are right on that one too. I am staying quiet about it. It drives me crazy but it really isn't my business.
1 person likes this
• Canada
23 Aug 07
Your welcome. I know it is hard sometimes to stand by and say nothing. My parents are elderly as well, I always take the postion of humouring them, even when I don't agree. :D It is great that you posted this because I think it is a good discussion and also given knowledge that you are not alone. :D.
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
23 Aug 07
You know, humoring them is exactly what a good child does for his parents.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
24 Aug 07
Is she the youngest of the family? The youngest seems to always be the most pampered one. That's how it is in our family. My mother once told me that she gives more to my brother because he isn't as strong as my brother and I. Of course he isn't, he was handed everything and bailed out of every situation he got himself into. Your mom is not doing your sister any favors but I doubt it would do any good to tell her so. Mom's get very defensive of their babys.
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
She isn't the youngest...I am! Boy, was I jipped:) She is the second youngest. I guess maybe it is because she was the last to leave the house. I was married by 24 and my sister still lived with my mom until she was like 30.
2 people like this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
24 Aug 07
Actually in the end, you will find that you lucked out. Your mom won't be around forever and it appears your sister has not yet learned to make it on her own. Those sort of things are harder to learn the older you get. The one thing that i did stop doing was to help my mom help my little brother. Each time he got himself into a situation, if she didn't have the money to help him she'd call my other brother or me. The tables have turned now. He was still living at home when suddenly her health took a turn for the worse making it impossible for her to work. He felt too guilty to bail...couldn't anyway and so now at 49...he is still living with her but i would say that it is him caring for her at this point.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
Well at least the tables turned and now your brother is caring for your mom. Thanks for your comments.
• United States
23 Aug 07
Unfortuantely I don't think there is anything you can do to remedy the situation. Has your sister taken advantage of your mother or is it a recente development? If it has gone on for a long time (ie, her entire life) then I don't think your mother or sister are going to change. If it is recent, then there is a chance of changing it. My advice would be to sit them both down, seperatly and at different times, and talk about it withou getting mad and starting an argument. That always seems to help with me problems. Just stay calm. Good luck!
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
23 Aug 07
Yes, this has been going on forever. When my sister was 25 and moved out of my moms house, she had her help then too. I just can't undrestand how a 44 yr old can take advantage of her mother like this.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Aug 07
In that case there really isn't anything you can do other than grin and bare it. Sorry, but it takes a lot for people to brak a habit, but they have to be willing to break the habit though. You sister doesn't seem willing.
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
23 Aug 07
You are right. My sister has gotten into the habit of leaning on my mom for things. She won't break it.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6522)
• United States
23 Aug 07
In a situation like that, there is really nothing you can do. Your mother will continue to do these things because she feels that they need them. You might want to talk to your sister, if that doesn't cause any further problems for you, because that could cause a rift between you, your sister and your mom.
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
23 Aug 07
I know, I need to stay out of it.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6522)
• United States
27 Aug 07
It is sad, that you really can't do anything about it, but I think your mom feels like they need her help and it makes her feel needed and your sister is playing on that. It is a bad situation! I wish there was some way to resolve that, but I have family members that do much of the same thing, I have spoken to the person being taken advantage of, but they just don't see it! It is very frustrating.
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I have the same problem with a brother of mine. He is always asking my mom to pay bills for him while he is blowing his money on crap. The only thing I can do is point it out to my Mom. At some point she will get tired of paying it. Sadly there are ppl out there who have no problem taking advantage of other ppl. AT PEACE WITHIN
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
It is a sad situation. I think that reality should set in and she needs to step up and become an adult.
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
24 Aug 07
I know how you feel, I have 2 older sisters that sometimes I feel they do it too but I brushed off that feelings immediately..not unless of course if they do it always..as in always. My mom is just so kind and since I have no kids yet she's giving all her attention to my sister kids which she is baby sitting. I know she'll gladly do the same with me too if I have already children and ask her some favor.
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
No,I don't feel brushed off. If I needed help from my mom she would be there. I think my sister is taking advantage of mom/.
1 person likes this
@seabeauty (1481)
• United States
24 Aug 07
Sounds like your sister and her husband are definitely taking advantage of her. Why she pays their bills for them I will never know. Have you spoken to your mom about this?
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I have spoke to my mom about this and she says she needs to stop but she doesnt'. She really isn't helping them to be adults.
1 person likes this
@Laurla98 (786)
• United States
23 Aug 07
I wish there was something you could do. I'm dealing with a similar situation. My step dad grandson moved in with them because he was having problems at home. They bought him a $400.00 dog, added him to their cell phone account...all kinds of stuff. I flat out told her she would have never done that for me when I was a teenager. They don't listen. Its aggravating I know. I guess the only thing I can suggest is to grin and bear it. Or else try saying something to your sister. But that probably wouldn't help either. Sometimes its hard, but we just have to sit by and watch these things happen even when we dont want to
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
23 Aug 07
I guess that this situation is more common than I thought. Grin and bear it is what I am doing.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Aug 07
My mother-in-law is the same way with my stepson as far a buying things out of the blue. She has even given his mother, my husbands ex money to help pay for things. It makes me mad because we were paying her child support. She would call his mom and see if he needed anything. Of course he always did. Even when she got remaired she helped pay the house payment. The ex had a nice wedding and a honeymoon in Cancun. I have said things to my husband and he has talked to her about it. She said she would not do it if she did not have the money to help.
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
23 Aug 07
I suppose that they enjoy doing this for them. I would love for my mom to take that money and do something fun for herself rather than use it on my sister.
1 person likes this
@daisymao (46)
• China
24 Aug 07
Maybe your siter have not more money to pay their bills.But your mom dide wrong with your children.If she can buy new clothes or anything fou your children,you can't be very shangxin.Your mom can be change tu do anything fou you and your sister.
2 people like this
@KrisNY (7609)
• United States
25 Aug 07
Well that really does stink- I wonder why your mom continues to pay for things for them- It makes no sense to me—especially because they are adults in their 40’s. I think I would talk to my sister and tell her to stop letting your mom do this- talk with her about it- Other than that- I guess your mom can spend her money how she likes- it is odd though-
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
25 Aug 07
It is a very odd situation. I would think that my sister would grow up and start supporting her family along with her husband.
@jennifer611 (2502)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I really don't think there is anything more you can do but voice your opinion to your mom like you have and let her know how you feel. but in the end when its all said and done, its your moms money and her decision. Don't get me wrong, I agree with you 100% she should be old enough to be able to care for herself and pay her own bills. your mom should be using her hard earned money for herself. but what she chooses to do with it is really up to her.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
You are right, it is totally my moms decisions on what she spends her money on.
• Canada
24 Aug 07
It does sound very much like your sister is taken advantage of the generosity of your mother and I would be upset with this as well but don't see how their is much you can do about it . If you keep bringing it up to your mother she will probably get upset as I have tried to explain things to my mother about my sister as well and it always turns into a fight . The only thing I can figure is that your mohter actually likes the idea of being needed and for this reason she continues to allow it to happen . Take Care
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
That might be the reason she is helping...I never thought of that:)
@davido (1624)
• Canada
24 Aug 07
Well some mothers are like that. My own mother inlaw i beleive if she had enough money she would have done the same thing for my wifes brother cause anytime he says hes broke and unable to send her money she takes it and will even be defending him up to the point of putting everything on my wife not until when i spoke out that we too we are struglling!
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
The thing is, my mom doesn't have a lot of money. I feel bad for her.
@pinnibabu (135)
24 Aug 07
I can understand your feelings. May be your mother feels more for your sister. Try to confront your mother and share your views. Mothers love is unconditional towards children. Make your mother realize that u feel hurt and ignored. I hope she understands.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I don't feel hurt and ignored. I feel bad for my mom. I think that my sister should be old enough to support herself.
• India
24 Aug 07
Yours is the place where yopu cannot do anything but watch. I would have slaped my sister if I were you. coz One should not always ask and see money relation specially Mother is more than Just lady. Also Ask yourself a question "What makes you think you that you sister is crook, or is it that your mom do not buy anythig for your children" Think on it
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I don't think that my sister is a crook and I don't think that my mom should buy things for my kids. I am the parent and I am responsible to buy them the things needed.
• United States
24 Aug 07
Ohh yess..I know exactly what you are talking about..my mother has never ever helped me out when we ever needed it..and being disabled..theers only so much i make on social security..and believe me my son and i have had some hardships..anywho..my sister is 31 now and she has a daughter and my mom is pratically still raising my sister they live right beside each other..and to this day mom helps with everything ..bills,,food.,name it..it infuritaes me..not just that im being ousted..but the fact that my sister wil never know how to care for herself when mom passes away..thers nothing we can do..but sit and wait till it bites them in the a$$...have a good one hun..:)
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I keep telling my other sisters that same thing. This sister is going to be lost when my mother passes away. My mom really has nothing because she is paying to keep 2 households together.
@rinaaus (1203)
• Australia
24 Aug 07
As my experiences I think you should stay away from this case. Because, this is your mother's money, she can do whatever she wants. It's her money, if she is happy so what the big deal here for her. Don't you think you are a bit jealous (sorry to ask this), because I don't think your mother just buy the clothes, toys for your sister's kids, and not your kids as well. Remember what she gave to your kids, is it really nothing? Yes, i agree with you that as your sister should take care of her family life, they are mature enough, and earn enough to take care of their life. Your mother may help both of you like play with grandchilds, buy food, clothes, toys for them. That is normal, but not always like that for every family. You don't need to get mad, because you did not do any wrong, you may uncomfortable with your sister family, but the time you get mad with her family bring you nothing, You can use that time to take care your family and your mother.
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I know that it is my mothers decision to do what she wants with her money. I wish that she would spend it on herself rather than taking care of my sister and her family. I am not jealous, but I do feel bad for my children. When they ask their cousin where she got her new toy, it is always, Grandma bought it for me. No, my mother doesn't buy my kids things just out of the blue. She will for birthdays ect, but not just for no reason. I wouldn't expect her to. My neice keeps telling my kids that Grandma loves her best because she buys her whatever she wants. Think how my kids feel about that. I try to explain to them that it is because my sister doens't have the money to buy it, but they know that isn't true.
@CeJones1 (17)
• United States
24 Aug 07
My advice to you is what I did years ago when I was helping my parents with their bills (while I was on a small income) and they were sending money to my sisters, I simply started looking out for me first. I stopped being angry when I realized that each of these parties were grown people and we cannot change people, they must change on their own. One I let it go, I began to sleep at night, I gained a little more income and somehow, God smiled on me and allowed me to have a better relationship with all. Good luck and be blessed.
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
Thanks for your great advice. It doesn't bother me enough to keep me up at night.
@kitty1234 (1476)
• United States
24 Aug 07
NOthing you can do about it, so let it go. I think many of us are in similar situations. I learned over the years that my mom will constantly help my sister with money but when I need something she always says you can take care of yourself so I don't need to help. Ahhhh, it would be nice though.
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
24 Aug 07
True, nothing I can do about it. If I need money, I wouldnt ask my mom. I am a grown woman also and if I need more money, I go out and get another job.