Is this really fair?

@patgalca (18164)
Orangeville, Ontario
August 23, 2007 11:20pm CST
My husband went away on vacation alone. When he returned his feet swelled up, his hands hurt and his back became very painful. He has had ongoing back problems but this time I had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital because he could not move or sit up. They gave him strong medication (morphine & lorazepam) and when they found it worked sent him home. He spent a couple of days in a daze and easing himself back into activity. Back to work on Monday he started to feel better. So he works his shift and then feels like a million bucks and spends his day off, gone all day, playing golf, drinking and hanging out at some pond. He comes home, is tired and doesn't help out at all. I asked him to wash the dishes but he shook his head. MEANWHILE, I am doubled over with cramps and diarrhea and very close to vomiting. I could not function. I looked after the guy when he was sick. I was by his side at the hospital. I took care of him when he was down and out. I am the one that called the ambulance and made a doctor's appointment. But when I am sick, where is he? Too tired from playing golf to help me out. This really infuriates me. Fortunately I am feeling better now (I hope) but that probably means I'll be washing dishes at 1am. What is WRONG with this picture?
8 people like this
24 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I think its a guy thing. Fair? no , not at all. Still I have never met a guy who would even consider caring for me when I have been sick. I have always been the one to nurture and care for my guy as well as my kids. When I have been sick, I have always had to carry on as normal. I am sure there are guys that really do jump in and take over so that wife or girlfriend can rest. I just haven't met them.
4 people like this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
I honestly think that if I hadn't lain down and gotten my daughter to bring me an Eaters Digest tea and kept at it, I would have thrown up. I did not want to throw up. I'm feeling better now. And I think the dishes will wait until morning. It's 2am!
1 person likes this
@crazed_moma (1054)
• United States
24 Aug 07
I think you married my husbands twin! It's not unusual for him to do crap like that. It's infuriating. He was packing to go on a business trip the other day and didn't even want to grab his own sock and underwear. I must look like a maid!
3 people like this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
Was that stamped on our forehead at the wedding ceremony?
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 07
lol along with the ring ceremony! I need a shirt that says "I am not your mother".
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
Oh yeah! How many men want to marry someone like their mother? I know mine wishes I was like his mother. She babied him. Only the women did the housework.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
24 Aug 07
Everything is wrong with that picture, sorry to say. All I can say without being mean and nasty is next time he gets sick, let him be and then make time to book in a massage, manicure and pedicure and or spa and or visit with family far far away from home. When you return you will feel refreshed and pampered. Time to get the kids to do something about the household chores too! You need looking after too Pat!!! It's about high time you had a vacation as I often hear its your husband that goes off alone and then plays golf all day! ENOUGH is ENOUGH.. Time to do something for YOU period!
2 people like this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
While he was away I did manage to get the girls washing dishes. Hurray! My eldest even drew up a chart alternating her, her sister and me for washing dishes. DH is not on it because he works shift work. We expect him to pick up the slack when one of the others isn't around at their time. And I told him that. DH things he is doing his part by working 12-hour shifts, bringing in the money, as well as vacuuming and washing the floors. He does help out with the dishes but hasn't touched them since he got home from vacation. He is NOT getting a hand-delivered lunch from me today!
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
24 Aug 07
12 hours shifts? ok good enough reason for not doing the chores around the house, but still, if he is sick next time he goes off on holiday on his own, let him be. Your not well yourself Pat and you need looking after too.
@ElicBxn (63194)
• United States
24 Aug 07
Yeah, some guys think the "sickness and in health" means you not him. That's because he think - in some odd ball way - that you are not his "partner" but his "parent." Honey - its time to wake up and smell the coffee - you need to tell him that just because he works outside the home, doesn't mean that you are going to be his mother inside the home. If he wants mom, he needs to move back to her. If he wants a spouse, a partner, then he needs to step up to the plate & deliver.
2 people like this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
You think I haven't been trying to drill that into his brains for the last 11 years? Some guys take longer to train than others. Thanks for your response.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
Sorry, not "brains" but "brain". I know he only has one of 'em!
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63194)
• United States
24 Aug 07
Ya know, it doesn't sounds like he's using all the one he has. Oh, and the next time he gets sick, don't "take care" of him. If he's laying in bed in agony - as hard as it will be not to nurture him, don't. Treat him the same as if he was healthy, go about doing what you have to do, he can't be bothered to care for you, don't do it for him. I know it is in the nature of us women to caretake people, just as it seems to be in a man's nature to be selfish, but give him a piece of his own pie.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 07
What is wrong is that somewhere down the line you portrayed the fact that this is okay. He feels that this is your job to take care of him when he is sick, not the other way around. You must sit down and tell your husband how you really feel about this, and make no bones about it, you will not stand for this sort of treatment. If he still doesn't believe you, go on strike. Still cook for your kids if you have any, but make sure there is none left for him. Don't clean. Just stop doing everything. After he sees this he may get angry, but tell him that you are tired of being the only one cooking and cleaning and sometimes, even though he works, you need help.
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
I have been home since I developed fibromyalgia 11 years ago, right after the birth of our second baby. It took me five years to find my balance, some treatments that helped me to function, to learn to pace myself and know my limitations. I KNOW I cannot work so he believes since I am not working it is my job to do all these things. Sometimes he will react when he realizes I am having a bad flare, but nothing comes before his golf and then that makes him too tired to see beyond his own selfishness.
• United States
24 Aug 07
It seems like you guys need some counseling. Your husband doesn't seem to understand that marriage is a partnership and when one falls, the other is supposed to be there to help them up. You have to get across the idea that you need help sometimes, and that you are only home because you can't work, and that does mean that sometimes you can't do the chores of everyday life either. You should look up a good marriage counselor or psychologist so you can get the lines of communication open.
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
Don't think this hasn't been suggested before. He won't go. We did what the therapist liked to call "parental counselling" when my daughter was in for her own individual counselling. He didn't like it. In order for someone to want to go to counselling they want to change and/or admit that something is wrong with them.
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
24 Aug 07
Hi patgalca! That is really unfair. I do sympathize with you because sometimes guys are insensitive with us. They think we can do everything without their help in anything. They think we are superwoman. But I think it is time maybe for you to make some demands and put your foot down. Well, this is just my point of view. Take care and have a nice day. Glad to know you're feeling better.
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
I'm not feeling 100% better. I am afraid to eat anything. He does think I am superwoman sometimes, until I bring him back down to earth. It's the constant reminding that drives me nuts. And men wonder why women are such nags! I wouldn't be a nag (and I tell this to my kids too) if they would just do it the first time they are asked.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
I had a toasted English muffin at around 3pm. I feel like I have a huge gas bubble in my stomach. I've got the hot bean bags on now. Thanks for your concern.
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
24 Aug 07
Hi patgalca! Try to at least eat something that is soft first. You can maybe have some soup to at least give you some energy. Take care of yourself and most importantly love yourself. Sometimes I am being accused of being a nag too. LOL!
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
25 Aug 07
To be honest, I think you should go on strike. Sometimes men just don't understand, and they get selfish and just figure that other people can do the work. I listed out all the work I do, and listed out all the work my husband did, and showed him the list. He understood a bit better. And then I just stopped doing certain tasks, and they didn't get done. Men count on the fact that other people (their wives) will eventually do things. Mine waited until he had no clean socks, no clean towels, etc. I just shrugged and said that I had other things to do and that if he noticed these things, he should deal with them.
1 person likes this
@TerryZ (22076)
• United States
25 Aug 07
Hi pataglca! I know how your feeling. I use to fall all over my husband when he was sick. Not any more and for that reason. Fair is fair. And I know he realizes it now. I dont like being like that but sometimes you just have to to get it through to them. Men!LOL
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
25 Aug 07
I don't fall all over him if he is sick of his own doing (ie drinking), but I do worry when his back is so badly injured. I just wish I could make him do stuff even when he is sick and/or hurt like I have to do. Mothers are on call 24/7, no sick days, no holidays. Why do men get all the breaks?
• Saint Vincent And The Grenadines
25 Aug 07
It's not fair and you know it. But the fact it is only up to YOU to solve it. If you permit that your husband is so lazy and does nothing to help you, it'll be cause you permit him to be that way. If i were you i'd let him know how things have to be seriously, and if he says no, then don't do them yourself either..maybe that way he will realize that things don't do themselves, osmeone has to do them.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 07
That is so incredibly horrible! Why are so many men like this? i'm not saying ALL men are, but a lot of them are. my father is just like this. When he isn't feeling perfect, he acts like a complete baby and totally milks it, making everyone around him hear about it and do everything for him. When my mother feels like crap, does he offer her the courtesy of taking care of things? Nope. Of course not. He completely ignores it. Doesn't give it a second thought. Same thing if i am in a bad way. He has basically no compassion for what other peope are feeling. It's not that he is a bad man or anything. he is a really really really GOOD man, he just doesn't have any empathy.
2 people like this
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
24 Aug 07
You know that part in the wedding vows about "in sickness and in health"...husbands seem to think that means in THEIR SICKNESS and in YOUR health.
2 people like this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
ROFLMBO! So true, foxy, so true. Thanks for responding.
1 person likes this
• Trinidad And Tobago
25 Aug 07
What can I say? Hmm!!! I'm not married, but I do think I hear a lot of this sort of complaint. There are guys out there (and I do know quite a few) who are more than happy to help with certain things like the cooking, but who may not do all the housework. Anyways, my point is maybe you need to talk to him about it. Ask him to be honest, and if something was to happen to you ask him what he'd do? How would he handle the housework. You could let him know that you would like him to spend time helping you in the house. I know housework is a stress, you can point out it's hard to do that twenty four hours a day seven days a week. My point is if his behaviour is stressing you out ultimately that stress will have an effect on your marriage and he's going to have to realise that if he wants the marriage to go more smoothly, just as how you make every effort to make him happy, he needs to make every effort to make you happy and you have to do the whole family / responsibility thing together. This is not a solution, just an opinion on how you could try to talk to him about it. It's not something I think will happen overnight. It's something that will take time and also, at the end of the day, when it comes to marital problems though, there's one thing a lot of people have told me when it comes to relationship advice. That is, very often, problems arise between two people because, they each have characteristics that annoy the other and instead of looking within themselves to discover the cause of their discomfort with the issue, they instead, try to change the other person (and in that way, may be seen as trying to control the other person) and the other person, in response, rejects those attempts. Anyways, that's just my two cents worth.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Aug 07
no i don't think its fair..when one is in trouble the very person who can ease the trouble in simplest way was the significant other or if they don't have at least the family first..it seems to be so unfair when you had done everything you can to ease their pain and when your in pain no one wants to be there with you.. i was in the same shoe, you,see i was dealing with heart complications and goiter..and nope, no family had looked after me when i was there when they are sick..i send them to check up when they feel something..i paid for it..if they have to be admitted i took care of them..needless to say i took care of all bills as well..i don't leave them as far as i am convinced they are totally okae and now what?! nothing! no one inside my family is looking after me now..no hi and hello..no knocking on the door..no one who can cook not even soup for me..no one to take care of my house chores for a while..no one..nobody..nothing..so i stop caring..so they would feel what i was feeling now..its sucks and it makes me sick..i am tired and no..no more of a nice girl..
@pinnibabu (135)
24 Aug 07
I think it is absolutely unfair. I can not take such a behaviour from my husband. I think you should communicate all this problems with your hubby and make him realize his fault. I hope he changes. Marriage is all about helping eachother and being there for eachother. Best wishes to you.
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
It's 11:45 am. He got up this morning and went to the gym at 5:30am before he went to work at 7. He is probably looking for a lunch about now but he hasn't called. He probably doesn't dare! I got up this morning, my stomach still doesn't feel right. I am in pain from the humidity and my fibromyalgia, and from slugging around huge Sears catalogues. BUT, I had to wash the dishes, sweep the hall floor. There's laundry to be done and my daughter has a hair appointment at 1pm. It just doesn't seem to matter. I feel like *I* don't matter.
@mkirby624 (1598)
• United States
25 Aug 07
Your husband obviously doesn't see your pain as being as important as his...plus men are so whiny when they hurt. Has he ever expressed an opinion about believing women should do the work around the house? If so, pop him in the head with a skillet and tell him to get over himself and clean the dang dishes.
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
25 Aug 07
Now you're talking! Thanks for your contribution! :)
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
24 Aug 07
Does he do this often? Do you have kids, young kids? Either he is (a) completely selfish and unlikely to change in which case you should leave him or throw him out or (b) he just doesn't understand that you were sick and needed him. In which case verbal communication should do the trick. If communication does not work, then (a) applies.
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
I just spoke to him. He said he was "leaving me alone to rest" last night. And that he didn't ask me to look after him when he was hurt. Blah, blah, blah. He called looking for lunch but half-way through our discussion he realized that it was BBQ day at work and there were hamburgers at the other plant. Thank God! I had to get my daughter to a hair appointment and I hadn't even showered yet. Like any marriage, it's a roller coaster. He has his good times, and his selfish times.
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
24 Aug 07
lazy - a lazy husband is a pathetic husband
There's something terribly wrong in that picture. I can't imagine a husband like that. All he wants is leisure and no responsibility. He sounds like a teenager! To answer your question, no that is not fair.
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Aug 07
Exactly! I keep asking him when he is going to grow up.
@Zelmarq (12585)
• Cebu City, Philippines
25 Aug 07
Well its the job of a wife, you cannot say its fair or unfair life is not fair always.
@jgirl71 (17)
• United States
30 Aug 07
I feel your pain. I know men are big babies (no offense anyone) when it comes to them being hurt or sick. Yet when it sticks us, they still expect us to do all the daily chores and then some. I have been through that in the past myself. I will have to admit and say that it ended in Divorce and now I am married to a guy that is so thoughtful and he helps me out when I am sick or have backpain. I suffer from arthritis of the spine. So I have a lot of days with backpain. It takes communication and letting the other know that you are in too much pain or are too sick to do it. They have to know what it is like for you. I will tell your husband that he is not being fair to you and you deserve more respect than that. Don't over do it, if you are sick, leave things dirty. He will either clean it up for you or it can sit there. I would tell him how this all makes you feel. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
@chabella1 (131)
• United States
25 Aug 07
hello! wake up everything it's wrong with that picture and you but only you are responsible for his behaivor you have to teach him and by doing that don't dishes dirty any more, i hope you are following this, first of all if you have kids make sure you cook for the kids and you eat before he gets home and clean the kitchen if he wants to be part of the family he have to help probably it sounds terrible to you but he would get the picture also plan a local trip and go somewhere for 2 or 3 days and the same day you get back go out do your nails and eat out. good luck