Dagger in the Heart

@AmbiePam (44990)
United States
August 30, 2007 12:48pm CST
My sister has been in my city for a couple days. She was staying with my parents, and we all got to be together for my parent's 32nd anniversary. This morning I had to come to my parent's house because my apartment was getting it's regular spray for bugs. So at 10am I walk in the door and immediately she asks why I'm there. I reminded her about the bug spray and how I had to be out of my apartment. She says that mom told her I wouldn't be here. She said she didn't want me here, and there were a million other places for me to be, why did I have to come here? Now this surprises me. Mindy (my sister-28) has always been hostile to me, ever since we were children. But this was a full attack. I told her of course mom knew I would be here. She went on to call me a liar and told me I wasn't wanted. Well, of course I didn't just take it all. I calmly told her I remembered when she was a teenager my parents had to sit her down one day and tell her to stop exaggerating, because it was becoming full fledged lies. I said I'm not the one who has been known to lie, you are. So I leave the house crying, although I didn't let her see. I was so upset that I went to my mother's work. By the way, I am bipolar, and since I found this out several years ago, I struggle not to feel unwanted. And my sister played on my sore spot. So I talked to my mom and she believed me. She said it sounded like something Mindy would say. She fully supported me and wanted to let me know I was absolutely wanted. So I went home, and later she got off work and came back to her house too. Mindy decided she was going to punish my mom for being nice to me (she still was convinced I wasn't supposed to be there, and my mom was not correct in being nice to me) and left to go back to her home three hours away, a day early. After she was gone and my mom and I talked, my mom told me something that just pushed the dagger deeper. My mom said every time I came over, my sister would ask her to get rid of me. I'm tired of the hurt, the pain, and the inconsideration. She puts a hole in my heart almost every time we are together. The thing is, she can be wonderful! Her friends have no idea she is capable of being this mean. I can name you 100 things great about her, but she has said to me she can't stand me. Is there anything I can do to either deal with the fact my sister hates me? Or maybe how to tear down the wall she has built between us. I love my sister and I want to be her friend. But my heart hurts over her constantly. Should I ever try? Because I think she has an endless supply of daggers. : )
11 people like this
32 responses
@katkat (2379)
• Philippines
31 Aug 07
hello ambiepam:)!!!first of all i want to greet you gud pm since its already dark where i lived.i feel sorry for your sister!!maybe shes just jealous with you becaused of your relationship with your mother.the way i understand your situation, i assumed that your mother favors you more than your sister. don't push your self too much to your sister,if she doesn't want then don't.just let her know that you loved her and in time she will understand. the best way to do is pray for your sister and seek guidance with our God. i hope this will help you with your sister.
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I didn't mean for it to sound like my mother favors me. She doesn't. She is the queen of being neutral and not taking sides. But this time when she saw me upset, and heard what she did, she absolutely took my side. But Mindy didn't know that. She had no idea I spoke to my mom at her work. She just knew my mom was being nice to me, and she wanted my mom to ask her why she felt she had to leave. And I do and will pray for her. It's about all I can do.
2 people like this
@katkat (2379)
• Philippines
3 Sep 07
i'll pray for you.hope you and your sister will be ok
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Aug 07
I hate to see you in so much pain .Dont' even bother with her ,she's not worth it.No matter what you do,she's gonna be nasty. Don't keep opening up yourself for heartache.AS for her being nice to friends and horrible to you,I can relate.I have family members that treat other people better than they treat me so I know how it feels
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
You're a softie AND a toughie. I need some of that to rub off on me. : )
2 people like this
• United States
1 Sep 07
thanks ambie. I meant it .don't let her bother you.you are a much better person that she is
1 person likes this
@TeaCup (230)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I am so sorry that you have a sister like that! I have a little sister who I love to pieces and she loves me as well. We do argue at times, which is normal,but we are never cruel to each other. You have got to pray for her, because the way she is acting is unreasonable. She has got to change. One day there is just going to be you and her and when there is no one else to support her as you will she is going to be completely alone. Not that you should treat her as badly as she is treating you, but she is going to have to get the message what she's doing is wrong some kind of way. When she comes crying to you, don't always run to the rescue-since you are the one that is dealing with so much illness. She may need to seek outside help so she can deal with this illogical anger.
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
It does my heart good to think of an older and younger sister getting along so well. Kind of gives me hope. Thank you for that, and for setting a good example. : )
2 people like this
@Debs_place (10551)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Wow, you had a bad day. But don't take it personally. It sounds like your sister has some issues and she is the one with them, not you. Until she deals with them, she will continue to act like this. You can continue to try, but don't expect anyting in return. Just show her and the world around you that you are the better person and you are rising above her comments and antics. Mom was straight forward with you and that hurt, but the one that is really being hurt is your Mom - she must feel awful having a child that acts like that and your sister - she is losing you as a sister and a friend. Please try and have a better day.
3 people like this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Oh yes. My Mom is a big concern. She was so sick when I was a teen, and even today she had fibromyalgia and arthritis. I don't want to cause her more pain. Yesterday during all this, I went to my sister and told her I wanted to settle this and know what was wrong because I don't want my mom and dad to be dragged into this. She wasn't responsive. But I know this bothers my mom. She'll go on talking to my sister of course, but even she is getting tired of my sister's habit of talking down to her and being short.
2 people like this
@flowerchilde (12520)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Wow, that's awful! You know sometimes we have family members which are just stinkers, and there's not much we can do about it. It's terrible that it's your sister! In my family my mom can be a problem.. but not as bad as your sister! And mom spreads her paranoia's around, instead of it always being one of us! I feel bad for you, and a little angry at your sister! But I think you should just know that it's your sister, she's way wrong headed in this, and just let go of it, knowing that one day, she will understand how silly and wrong she has been and will love you dearly! And marvel at your patience! Which will make her love you all the more! How do I know this? I just do! I could say whether in this life, or the next (what they call heavenly) but I think she will mellow with age.. or perhaps she will start receiving medication.. :)bless you!
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Thank you for those valuable words, flowerchilde. : )
2 people like this
• United States
30 Aug 07
That is really cruel of your sister, and I'm sorry that she did this to you. I have two sisters, and I know that we can also be cruel to one another, but we are generally kind to each other, and apologize for our cruelty, when it happens. I suspect that someday, your sister will realize that she's made a mistake in being so horrible to you all your life, but until that happens, she is probably not going to change. :(
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
30 Aug 07
Yeah, it is sad, but true. I just thought it would have happened by now. She's 28 and I'm 26, I thought there would be more of an effort.
1 person likes this
@thefortunes (2368)
• Netherlands
31 Aug 07
AmbiePam, this sounds really as an awful expirience and not to be expected from your own flesh and blood, your own sister. I am alone and without sisters and brothers, but both my mother and father have brothers and sisters and they are very close to one another, so I am really feeling for you, and for your pain caused by this situation. I am not sure how I will act if placed in a situation like yours, because you have done pretty much all that could have been done from your part, and you have also given proove of your affection to her. Maybe it's some weird karma causing it, and the day will come that your sister will know how wrong she has been in your regards. You just keep as you are dear, and I hope the day that she will change is near by. God bless and have a great day and weekend ahead!
3 people like this
@jz1977 (84)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I'm sorry this happened to you, especially from a sister who is supposed to love you. She seems like a very very rude person !!! I for one, would not want to be around her. She's got alot of anger towards you. She needs to get some help. Good Luck to you!! Be Strong, and keep your Chin up!!
3 people like this
• United States
1 Sep 07
Sounds like she is the one with issues. I am not trying to down talk your sister but she must have a problem which getting her way temporarily solves. Myabe that is the only way she can feel wanted. Im not a shrink but I do have family members somewhat like your sis. What you have to remember is that when people act out they are the ones with the problem and the only thing you can do is to love them past their faults even if its from a distance. Sorry you have to deal with this but I am glad that you have a mom you can talk it out with.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
1 Sep 07
Oh yes. I thank the Lord every day I have my mom. And she is really wonderful. She communicates with both of us well, despite the tension between me and my sister sometimes.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Sep 07
I am glad you have someone you can confide in. And i admire your mom for being able to handle you both so well.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (88713)
• Marion, Kansas
31 Aug 07
My first guess, or impression from what you are saying is to wonder if Mindy is not also bipolar, but undiagnosed, and untreated. I actually wondered this before I read where you said you were bipolar. One of my very best friends is bipolar, and she is not only a great friend, but is also a role model and inspiration. I cannot really give you any advice, other than to accept that although she is a wonderful person, she is also wonderfully cruel.Be yourself. Let her have her visits with your mom when she comes, and keep your distance. You do not have to be hurt over and over again. Hugs to you, Pam.
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Thank you Gerty, for your very helpful advice. We actually don't think she is bipolar. We strongly think she is depressed though. Bipolar isn't genetic in my family. I have it due to something my doctor used in my birth. We didn't know that it was the cause until research came about and two neurologists told me that it was probably what the doctor did, or rather the tool he used on my head to get me out of my mom. There is no predictability with bipolar, but it usually isn't just outbursts. I don't have that, and she really doesn't seem to have any of the symptoms. She has always just been very short with my parents, and mean to me. She's never been manic and she's never hit a real low point. But all signs do point to her being depressed right now. I would love to help her, but she rebuffs any help. She does talk a lot to my mom, so at least she can pour her heart out to her. And thank you for the hugs!
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Aug 07
hmmm, at the root of anger.. is pain.. It's actually good when/if anger turns to pain.. For it can be a release.. If they let it, i.e if they will have a good cry (maybe beat the dummy at the gym first) otherwise it can go on for a long time.. :)
1 person likes this
@TerryZ (22146)
• United States
30 Aug 07
Im sorry to hear this about your sister. I understand she has been treating you like this all her life. Why do you stand for it? I dont understand why your mom would allow this to continue. Its really just so sad. I hope you can work this out before its too late.
@TerryZ (22146)
• United States
30 Aug 07
Wow its not like you arent trying. Some people are just plaine mean and sometime in their life they will realize how mean they have been. You hang in there sweetie I do feel for you. I would continue to try with your sister. I hope and pray she changes her tune.
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I think it seems in all families there's always one family member who just loves to get ones goat, knows how to really push our buttons, drag us down and plain make us feel like a piece of shat...my own mom was like that with me I really don't think you can hope that your sister is going to change, it seems from what you have said here this is her nature to love to pull you down--she knows your weaknesses and goes for the attack...I can't help wondering if maybe SHE has some kind of psychological problems I know it's easier said than done but really, try not to let it get to you....Just keep reminding yourself that YOU are a worthy person...how you feel and approve of yourself is all that counts, and everyone else can go to He!! LOL...Seriously...that's is the kind of attitude one needs to take in life..sure wish I had found this out years ago myself--it would have saved me a lot of anguish as well
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I can't imagine how much you suffered mentally since your mom lived with you and treated you that way. I know I can't change my sister, but I thought when she got married she would soften. I really need to not set any expectations. I think she needs to see a psychologist because I think she suffers from depression. Not all the time, but for certain periods of her life. She doesn't adjust well when things don't turn out her way. She likes to be able to control her circumstances.
1 person likes this
@daryljane (3439)
• Philippines
30 Aug 07
its sad thats the way your sister treats you. too bad for a family, its not suppose to be that way. You know what? The way i see it, she is jealous with you. and she knows where to hurt you, shes is doing it intentionally! maybe with the attention your mom is giving you and she is always siding you whenever things like that happens. I think its best if you talk to her, not the approach she is always getting during previous conversations. In a person, no matter how bad she is outside, there is always a good part in her.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
30 Aug 07
Oh yes, there is a lot of good in her. I could go on and on about her good attributes. And it may have sounded like my mom favors me, but she really doesn't. I have never seen someone try to be neutral like she does. But today she compltely believed me. Because everything I said, she had seen my sister do before.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Aug 07
I feel for you. It's sad when you desperately want a relationship with your sibling, but they push you away. I have quite a few brothers and sisters. None of them are exceptionally close to me, and it hasn't been for lack of trying on my part. There's only so much you can have control of in life, and unfortunately, the will of other people isn't one of those things. The only thing you can do is continue to be your sweet self and take it in stride. Do the words hurt? Of course they do, but if your sister is determined to make you feel inferior, she's going to try no matter what you do. My mother always told me, as it says in the Bible, when someone slaps you in the face, turn the other cheek. It may not stop the person's onslaught, but you know that you didn't let them know that they got the best of you. My sister also used shock tactics, maybe not to the degree as your's did. She too was jealous of me. I, like you, tried to dissect the reasoning behind it all, and the only conclusion I could come to was that I was the baby, and she had been dethroned, and was no longer the "little princess". Birth order is something that is totally out of your control. I see it with my sons. My oldest son is the middle child and was the baby until the youngest came along. From the very first the older of the two was at odds with the whole situation. My older son since 20 months of age has hated the fact that he was no longer the baby, and he seems to try to hold on to this hostility toward my younger son. He doesn't even understand why, he just knows that's the way it's always been. With your sister, it could be a similar situation. Many siblings get over this rivalry eventually, but some don't. Don't let her opinion of you lessen your self-worth. That's just giving her what she wants. With my own siblings, I acknowledge them, insomuch as recognizing them as my siblings. However, I no longer seek out their company. I don't try to have get-togethers and holidays. In fact, I try to keep my distance. I have been burned by them all, and don't intend to get hurt again in the same manner. If they have issues, let them deal with them on their own and don't put myself in a situation where I will get hurt, that's my outlook. And now, the only time I will see my siblings is if we are all invited to my mother's for holidays or something. Even then, I think about just skipping it and going when I know they won't be there. It's just easier that way. No, I'm not running from conflict or problems. I view it as saving myself a headache, heartache and trouble. I hope that you and your sister can work through things, but it may take some more time (years) for her to view you in a different light. I am not trying to be negative, but keep your expectations low, that way if she does have a change of heart, you will be pleasantly surprised.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
30 Aug 07
That's really great advice. My mom told me her brother treated her the same way. It wasn't until he was in his forties that he began to be nicer. That might be the case with my sister. But the birth order scenario makes perfect sense. Thank you for this helpful talk.
@laurika (4537)
• United States
30 Aug 07
I am sure it have to hurt, when you have to fight with somebody over and over.Plus it takes a energy from you also. it looks like your sister is very unsecure about herself and jealous of you.It looks like really hard to deal with.But at least I would try, it 's your sister and you would involved with her for rest of your life.I am sure it s very hard, but I am sure also you have a good hearth and tou are great person.I hope everything will be better between you and your sister.Just don't give up.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
30 Aug 07
Thanks. You know, I keep forgetting about that. She IS insecure, although I am too sometimes. This may be her way of feeling better about herself.
@laurika (4537)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Yeah she might feels better when she treat you like that, but it should be oo your accord.Maybe it sounds silly, but does she try psychologist?To me it would be probably the best help.We can write you a lot of supportness here, but it looks like it needs a professional.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I think it would help, and there is no shame in it, but she would never go.
• United States
3 Sep 07
Amber, I know she is your sister, but she does not sound like a very nice person. I am surprised she is married. If you have tried to make things right with her and she continues to treat like this, it would be better to avoid her. She does this for a reason. It makes her feel very superior to think that she can mistreat you and get away with it. To lay down the law to her mother and say this is the way it is going to be. She may use the fact that you have bi-polar as an excuse because it makes her feel better than you. The important thing is you take care of yourself and take your meds. You seem very responsible to me. You think things out. You are nice to people. She is the one who is toxic. It is better to avoid her when you can. However, I would not miss any family communal dinners because of her. Your mother can tell her that if she wants to avoid you, she does not have to attend. Rest assured, people like you. I do.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
3 Sep 07
I appreciate your kindness. I do take my meds, and I am doing very well with that. I have to get medication approved through a psychiatrist, and he says I'm one of the best adjusted 'bipolars' he had ever seen. lol Knowing how I feel on the inside, makes me feel badly for others. Because if it is hard for me, it must be even worse for them. The tricky thing about my sister is that she is mostly hateful to me, a little hateful to my mom, and only rarely hateful to my dad. She treats everyone else fine. I do think it makes her feel superior. I just wish she knew what she really was doing to us. But I do agree about avoiding her. It's not only best for me, but for my mom who hates to see us not get along. Thank you!
2 people like this
• United States
3 Sep 07
I am here for you, you are in my prayers...think of this when you feel bad...I hit my elbow and ended up with a headache....how well adjusted is that? :)
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
3 Sep 07
Someone needs to do a reality show starring you. : )
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9925)
• United States
7 Sep 07
Honey, I am so sorry that your sister treats you so badly. It sounds like she has some major issues that she needs to get over, and she is going to be the only one that can make herself come to terms with it. Sometimes younger sisters are jealous of the older siblings all of their lives, no matter how hard the family tries to convince them that there is no need for it. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like it would do a whole lot of good to even attempt to talk to her. I wish I could be more help to you. But I'm dealing with problems with my own sister....I haven't heard from her for over a year, and even before that, I always felt like she wishes she never had a sister.....especially one 18 years younger than her. I'm here for you though hon. If you ever need a shoulder, let me know. You are loved and wanted, and don't ever let anyone, including your sister, tell you otherwise.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
7 Sep 07
Your sister doesn't know what she is missing out on. So you are the younger sister like me? My sister isn't much older than me, she's just 2 years older. She always got the attention growing up, so it has always struck me as odd that she would be so mean, at least to me and sometimes my parents. I'm going to add you and your sister to my prayer list if you don't mind. It's heartbreaking when I think how sisters don't even know they have the best possible friend they could ever have, in their own family. And thank you so much for being such a sweetheart. I got teary when I read your response. When I struggle, I want to rememeber that and remember that I do indeed, have friends that care. : )
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9925)
• United States
7 Sep 07
Thanks so much my dear friend. And I don't mind at all about the prayer list. As a matter of fact, you have already been in my prayers quite a bit. You are such an awesome friend...I can't see for the life of me why your sister would act toward you the way she does. If you ever want a surrogate sister, I'm here (but you'll have to take Feona1962 too....she has become MY surrogate sister....so you'll be in two sets of capable crazy hands LOL).
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
7 Sep 07
So I'd be in good company. : )
@Geminigirl (1909)
• United States
3 Sep 07
I have had family problems similar to this as well. Someone very wise gave me some advice regarding this. They asked me, if this person causing me pain, was not a family member, would I put up with that kind of treatment? My answer was no. It was then that I realized that it is a matter of treating others with respect, family or not. If a person is constantly hurting you, no matter how many other great things they do, then you need to protect yourself, and put some distance between you and them.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
3 Sep 07
VERY wise advice.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Sep 07
I also wanted to add that I think you are a very nice person, and I enjoy seeing you on Mylot. Next time you have to leave your apartment, you can come over to my house. (As long as it is ok with Wentworth, as you know, he *is* my hubby). LOL!! :-D
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
3 Sep 07
LOL, thanks for the offer. : )
1 person likes this
@alamode (3073)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Its terrible that this sounds so familiar! We are 5 sisters, and recently we've had to separate ourselves from 2, because of the cruelty (mostly to our Mother!) and the jealousy (of these 2 for us and our daughters!) We can't figure out the cause, but we know it goes back a long time. It caused so much heartache that we decided it just wasn't worth it to keep trying to appease them... they are likely to never get along with any of the rest of us. If they could change their attitudes, we would welcome them back. But, sadly, I can't see it happening.
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I sympathize with you. You had to make a hard and brave decision.
@alamode (3073)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Its just sad that it was necessary... but our relationships with our daughters have improved drastically, and our Mother, who is almost 85, now has some fun and some peace in her life.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
1 Sep 07
And that is what matters. Your mother deserves some happiness, and I'm glad to hear she is getting some. : )
@tuffy999 (794)
• Philippines
31 Aug 07
the way i look at it your sister has far more greater issues to settle within herself then you. the way she sounded she is in need of help, her action is not of a 28 year old. maybe when you were younger you'll be fighting for your parent's attention but now you're older it's a different story. ask you're parent's help especially you're mom to talk to her, to seek professional help. and for the meantime you just be yourself and don't burden yourself with wondering why your sister treats you the way she does. you have better things to do. god bless
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
My parents have tried to talk to her. It's hard to explain, but there are two sides of her. One side graduated HS at 16, toured with the college singing group, graduated with a Bachelors at 19, started teaching full time, graduated with a Masters at 21, moved to a different state, moved back to our state but three hours away. Started leading the singing at a church of 300 people and being in charge of the kid's choir, and then got married. People like her, she is intelligent, can handle any problem that comes up... And the other side is jealous, petty, and has outbursts. ONLY with me, my mom and dad. We didn't compete for attention growing up, she had it completely. I hadn't been diagnosed at that time, and I was too depressed to be anything of a rival. I just keep thinking that she really felt special doing all those things so young, and maybe now she doesn't. Also, about the time she got really hateful at 12, my mom was incredibly sick. And my dad was gone a lot making a living. So it went unchecked for a long while. Maybe by then it was just a part of her. Thank you for your advice and ideas. Sometimes I can't believe this stuff happens because my family doesn't usually fight. No one has a problem with anyone, ecxept her problem with me.
@tuffy999 (794)
• Philippines
31 Aug 07
if i may add, i think she feels threaten when you're around. she is so use to being the center of attention, she is bright, she leads a choir, etc. so everybody is at her beck and call, but when it comes to your family there's the two of you being given attention and that makes her uncomfortable. my friend, sad to say your sister is selfish and insecure. she might bright and self confident but deep inside she is troubled. i strongly believe she needs help before she is consumed with her self centerdness, and destroy herself and family.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44990)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Sad to say, I think you are right. But no one knows how to get her help. She wouldn't go willingly, and she isn't like this to her friends. Occasionally she will be really short with her husband, but he is the only one that can stand up to her and she really listens. But since he doesn't experience the whole spectra of the attitude, he doesn't see a need for her to get help.