I am told to shut up when I say something

United States
August 30, 2007 1:49pm CST
What do you do when you think that your marriage is walking on egg shells and you don't want it to end? I have tried everything but it seems that my husbands family keeps getting in the way of everything. I don't like going over there because his mother thinks that she is right about everything and she has a bad habit of trying to make everyone feel like they are stupid, even her own husband. I am always told that I am selfish because I would rather not go over there than I would to go there and be tormented the entire time. I am made to feel like my opinion doesn't count and that I am just too stupid to understand what they are talking about. When I do say something, I am told to shut up because I am just trying to start stuff with them. Should I keep quite or do I have the right to say something about this? Why couldn't I have been blessed with in laws that liked me?
2 people like this
11 responses
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I think most people have issues with their in-laws. There are only a lucky few that have good relationships with their in-laws. At least, that's the conclusion I've reached. If you want to stay in the marriage and continue interacting with your inlaws, I suggest that you learn not to take things personally. Just tell yourself that what these people think really doesn't matter. If they are talking about something that you don't happen to agree with, just stay out of the conversation. It isn't your job to enlighten them. Keep the relationship superficial. People won't change unless they want to. Apparently they don't have any intention of changing. The only person you can control is yourself. Spending time with the inlaws is a part of being married, BUT it is up to each couple to decide together exactly how much time is spent with them. Maybe you can spend some time with them, but find a way to spend a little less time with them that you are now. That way you aren't seen as uncooperative, because you refuse to interact with them, but you can get a break from them once in a while. Perhaps you can make other plans for yourself once in a while so that you can honestly say that you "can't" visit with them on certain occassions. Good luck and take care.
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I'm glad I'm one of the "lucky few" because I get along GREAT with my in-laws, and my x-in-laws too! I never understood the whole evil in-laws thing because I've never had to go through it.
@RosieS57 (889)
• United States
30 Aug 07
Things are now different in the US then they were 50 years ago. If my hubby's relatives told me to shut up and my hubby bugged me to keep going over there he would be out on the street because I pay the mortgage on the house. He pays many of the other bills and that would be hard to replace -- but I'd try! His mother did try that garbage concerning me and I offered to leave him there with his mother and take my son and go back home without him. He changed his mind about who he wanted to be with on the spot. There's no way he'd live with his mother ever again and therefore I don't HAVE to take any garbage from her or him. Not if he wants to keep his marriage and home intact.
• United States
13 Sep 07
I like your approach to the situation at hand. Leaving him is not an option for me, I am happy with him. Threatening him is an option though. All though some people might think that it is wrong, it still might work or at least cause him to get his head on straight.
@thefortunes (2368)
• Netherlands
30 Aug 07
Hi Rosaflorence, your situation is definitely not what it should have been. However i will not ask my husband to choose if i were you. he shouldn't be pressed to make any such choices, however he should make it clear to his family that they should talk respectfully to you if they appreciate your being and coming there. if the situation doesnt change - i would stop going there no matter how i am called, and in your case they call you "selfish"... Each and everyone of us has the right to feel good and happy in his/her life, so should you be able, and everything that is not - you have the total right to cut it off your life ;) Good luck dear with your parents in law.
• United States
13 Sep 07
I took your advice and told him that I was not going over there because I did not appreciate the way that I am treated and that I would rather be at home than to be over there and be told to shut up all the time. He didn't understand at first and he became angry. After a while, he simply just let it go and now I don't have to deal with the stress anymore. It is great to have people who give advice to live by.
• Kottayam, India
4 Sep 07
This is what happens all over the world so it is with you too.Love bears all things, keep love forefront of your actions,the married life that is with your husband, love him and his family as well. you will see miracles.Love above self.
@archer1811 (1099)
• Philippines
2 Sep 07
Hi! well try to be cooperative sometimes, and then if your in laws or your mother in law still treat you in a bad way, well. Just dont took and listen always, beside if you and your husband is no problem at all just your in laws, its not a big deal. Maybe time will come that your mother in law will be nice to all of you. She cant be like that all the time. Just focus on your family, as long as you are not living in with you in laws theres nothing to worry about your every day life. Its just between you and your husband. As the rule of the marriage says, "neglect the whole world rather than each other.
@blackdove (390)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I have a mother in law who's the same way. I avoid the drama by not being around her. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to put up with the bull. Some say when you marry the person, you marry the family, well I don't agree at all. I married my husband, and that doesn't mean I married the bull my mother in law dishes out. I stay away from them. I'm not rude to them, when they call, I'll say hello, and that's where it stays.
• United States
31 Aug 07
Move away from the in-laws if you have to, put your foot down, don't let your mother-in-law run your life.
@dakuohao (16)
• China
31 Aug 07
Maybe you can spend some time with them,but find a way to spend a little less time with them that you are now,that way you aren't seen as uncooperative,because you refuse to interact with them,but you can get a break from them once in a while.
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
31 Aug 07
That's a drag. Family is pretty important, but there's no reason for disrespect. I personally try very hard to not go visit people that I do not care for. Everyone knows I'm like this and they pretty much just leave me be when I'm staying away. Do you have children? If so, I don't feel that it's very healthy for them to be around that - they tend to imitate what they see. But on the other hand, they need to know their family. That's a tough spot you're in. I'd try to not visit them quite as often. Making other plans for those days so you can beg off was a great suggestion.
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Without going into much detail, when I read your post, I could relate totally. Unfortunately you're in a lose-lose situation. I recently read an excellent book called "You Don't Have to Take it Anymore." I cried when I started to read it because it described exactly what I was going through. I know Amazon.com carries it. I suggest you read it. It may not save your marriage, but it'll show you ways to deal. There is even a section for the husband to read, if he is willing to work on the marriage. Good luck to you!
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
30 Aug 07
Oh HELL NO!! If my husband were to EVER dare tell me to "shut up" I'd pop him square in the mouth! If the in-laws were to I'd react accordingly depending on who it was saying it but regardless of WHO I still wouldnt allow it and would speak my mind...HOW I speak my mind would vary