Whose responsibility is it?

@missytia (387)
Australia
September 1, 2007 8:06pm CST
This is a question that has been on my mind for a while now. I have been separated/divorced from my ex for about 4 years now and what I want to know is....whose responsibility do you think it is to buy father's day, mother's day, birthday gifts for the other parent from the child? For years I went without anything for mother's day from my daughter because my ex would not encourage her to acknowledge it. If it wasn't for my parents or partner, she would have no idea. I have ALWAYS encouraged her to acknowledge these special occasions even though I do not get along with her father. I do not buy xmas or birthday gifts for her to give him but I do encourage her to make something. Do you think it's the responsibility of the other parent's partner to buy the gifts? My partner buys gifts for my daughter to give to me. I just don't see the sense in spending money on someone I don't even like. That's why I think it's the responsibility of their partner. I do believe however that I am doing the right thing by acknowledging and encouraging her to make things for special occasions with her father. I would be interested in hearing other peoples thoughts on this especially from those froms separated families.
2 people like this
4 responses
• United States
2 Sep 07
I'm not divorced but I may have an idea for you. First, how old is your daughter? Old enough to do chores around the house to earn allowance? Let her make her own money and let HER do the buying. It is amazing what $5.00 at the Dollar Store can buy. I have did this for years for my kids. Take her to the store but let her do the buying, not you. Same thing with your partner. Take her to the store and let your daughter pick out what she would want to give you. Trust me. It will mean more to you and your ex to have things pick out special by your daughter. Let me know what you think of this idea.
@missytia (387)
• Australia
2 Sep 07
Thank you for your response. This is a great idea and my daughter, who is 7, does take her pocket money (normally I allow $5) to the Father's Day stall at school and encourage her to buy something for her father. I think it's wrong and it's a shame that he doesn't do the same, afterall, it's not her fault that we don't get along and we are both still her parents regardless and think that it should be acknowledged on both sides.
1 person likes this
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
2 Sep 07
My sister and her ex husband are also divorced. On every fathers day, my sister will take her daughter to go get her father a card. And I'm not sure if he does the same, but I'm sure he does. I think its kind of common sense? Or respectful at least. After all, you guys had the children together. Divorced or not he should offer to take the child to go and get a card.
1 person likes this
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
2 Sep 07
You're doing the right thing, and you are the better person than he is. I admire you! Because you could put your feelings away and teach your daughter to respect her father. This is a life lesson that your daughter will remember and follow in the future. Nothing is greater than when you put someone first, in this case, you've put your daughter's well being first. Again, you're great!
1 person likes this
@Rollo1 (16685)
• Boston, Massachusetts
2 Sep 07
My situation is a little different. I don't care for my ex at all, there's a good reason we are divorced. He's not a very good father, but the children need to feel that their father is a good dad and that he loves them. He's really a bit too selfish to be able to give them enough love, attention or even material things. He has tried here and there, one birthday or occasion will be a nice gift and another special day forgotten. I don't want my children to be like that so I do remind them of special days and I give them a few dollars to spend at the dollar store and get them to buy him a card. This last father's day, they both got cards and made special gifts for my new husband, their stepdad. Although I was thrilled that they felt to do this spontaneously for him - acceptance is so good for the blended family - I did have to remind them to get something for their real father. I know that it galls you to spend money on him, but it's really for the children's sake that you do it. One day they will be better for it, and that's all that counts. If the children are young, a present they made is enough of a gift for him. If they are older, perhaps assign them tasks to do so they can "earn" the money to spend on a present - you will get some chores done for you and they will be spending their money. It's hard when you have to be nice for the sake of the kids, especially if you don't like your ex at all, but the kids still have a father.
@missytia (387)
• Australia
2 Sep 07
Thank you for sharing. I know exactly where you are coming from! I don't care for my ex at all either but I do make sure that my daughter knows that she is loved from both sides. For special occassions, I do give my daughter a few dollars to spend at stalls and fetes at school and I also encourage her to make things also. Personally, I think I'd prefer something she's gone to alot of effort in making than something that has taken her 2 seconds to pick out at the shops.
1 person likes this