Can anyone help me out here?

September 5, 2007 2:30am CST
I've just got back from taking my daughter to breakfast club and I have a bad feeling about her today. To help you understand why I'll give you a short version of the background. Last year her brother got a small mark on his face after playing with his dad and the school, following the procedures that they have to, to watch their own backs, reported it to social services. They investigated and seemed happy that nothing was wrong when my darling daughter turned round and said I beat her with belts and stuff to get attention because I wouldn't give into her. Anyways, I spent a year on police bail because of it, with intermittent threats from her (like she did it once she could do it again). I was only ever arrested on suspicion of it and they dropped any case on me because they said there was no evidence of her claims. Fast forwarding a bit, since then I've been worried about any little thing she might say or do or say that would get me back into that situation again. This morning she was an absolute horror. She refused to get dressed, she fought with me over her new trousers, moaning about how they werent the right size for her and what not when I know for a fact that they are. When we got to breakfast club she refused to go in saying that she didn't want to go until I had someone from breakfast club come out and get her. She had the look on her face that she had the day she tried to drop me in it and i'm beginning to reach the end of my patience with her. I can't yell at her because apart from no longer having any effect, she knows that if she says just one thing, she will have all the attention she wants while I get investigated all over again. Can someone PLEASE give me some idea as to what I should do about her unruly behaviour? If i could, I will be honest here, I would quite happily swat her backside but that's classed as child abuse so I can't and yelling at her too often is apparently another form of child abuse so I can't do that half the time even though i really want to and i just feel like I can't win. She even asked my mother if she could stay with her because she didn't like living with me! I mean she's not violent or anything, shes perfectly behaved around others and has the knack of appearing to be an angel to everyone else but a horror at home. I've tried stuff like on supernanny and nanny 911 like the naughty step and time outs and things like that but she just sits there and takes it and then goes on with what she was doing beforehand. I've removed her TV, Her DVD player, Her computer and her toys before now and even that didn't work .
2 people like this
4 responses
• United States
5 Sep 07
I suggest you seek out a parenting support group. There you will find other parents in your shoes. You have your hands full. You might want to inquire about what is legal and what is not legal for discipline/monitoring of a child in your region/state. Counseling may be in order.
@lilaclady (28240)
• Australia
5 Sep 07
gee that sounds like a good idea....
1 person likes this
5 Sep 07
Hi crafty, thanks for responding to my post. I suggested family or individual counselling to the social services as they are best able to arrange that kind of thing here in the uk where I live. The social services though said that they can't do that because there is no evidence that jade is mentally being harmed nor any evidence of physical abuse. The best they could do was to send ME to counselling for anger management training so that it didn't get the best of me! Counselling me isn't going to help much but I went anyways and even tried to get into family counselling but again, you can get onto it only through referral by the social services and the family has to be proved as completely dysfunctional before they will do that. I tried to get my daughter into individual counselling but they wouldnt do that because she isnt mentally unstable, just manipulative. I can't afford to pay for counselling myself because my husband and I are both students so it seems we just have to put up with the situation or start beating my daughter to get the help we want. I will however go back to them and see if they have some advice on what discipline techniques they may have that would be safe to use with her and I will have a look around to see if we have any parental support groups in our are. Thankyou so much for your suggestions.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Sep 07
OH that bites!
@lilaclady (28240)
• Australia
5 Sep 07
I don't have any children so maybe I am out of my depth here, I know with all the laws that are arounf to protect children must make it hard for some parents as well as protect some kids the only thing I can think of ois maybe sitting down and talk woman to woman with her, treat her like an adult and explain all the things that can happen if she says certain things...I don't know what else parents can do, it is very hard, I wish you good luck and hope that ecery thing works out for you.
5 Sep 07
Thankyou for responding to my post, I've tried explaining to her a dozen times about what will happen if she makes up stories about what's happening to her but it hasn't had any effect so far. I think a lot of her problems stem from teh fact she is jealous of her younger brother even though I try to devote equal time to them both as does my husband but nothing it seems, is good enough for her. I'll try again though :D
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28240)
• Australia
5 Sep 07
Make sure you talk to her woman to woman rather than mother to daughter, talk to her like she is a big girl and give her a feeling of responsibility....as I said I don't have kids so I am not an expert...good luck...
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
8 Sep 07
Maybe you should do some research on what happens to kids who get stuck in the child services system and let her have an idea of what happens to those kids. Ask her if that's really where she wants to end up? She needs to behave. You need to discipline her. You don't need to hit a child to discipline them (not saying that you did). I really feel bad for you that she used that on you. Discipline her by taking privilages away etc. just to make sure if she does make stories up there is NO QUESTION. But again. I stress that she should know how much it sucks to be taken away from your loving family that wants whats best for you and stuck in a home with stangers. That might give her something to think about at maybe she'll stop holding that over your head. Good luck and take care.
8 Sep 07
Thankyou for responding to this post :) I really like your idea about researching what it's actually like in a child care home and showing her, maybe it will give her something to think about next time she gets all uppity with me. I'm going to try that out so thankyou again for the suggestion :)
• United States
6 Sep 07
Oh hun my children are too young to act out this way yet but I think some counseling would be a wonderful idea. For both of you like group therepy for mom and daughter. I mean she can't turn you in for child abuse fo you forcing her to go to counseling. In fat it would prove that your doing what ever you can to try and help her without violence or raised voices. Obviously she is crying out for help anyway, so you might as well give it to her. I will be praying for you. All my love to you and yours!
6 Sep 07
hey hun, Thanks for replying to this post. I rang social services yesterday to see if they knew of any good counselling places even though they're nto involved wit me any more and they named a couple that seem like they may be able to help so I'm going to give them a ring and see what happens with that. My old social worker mike is a really nice guy and he said that even though they're not involved, if I need a referral from him, he will give it to me :) I think thats' possibly the first ever time they've done something nice for me!