We've been left out of the loop, by my youngest stepson.

Canada
September 10, 2007 1:08am CST
I have 3 grown stepsons, from my (late) husband's previous marriage. He had full custody of them, when I married him, and so of course, they lived with us back then. After his sudden passing, 2 of them remained with us for awhile, and the other one was out on his own. The youngest one, now 30, lives out west, and we don't get to see him very often. We managed to get ahold of him on the phone last Christmas eve, as we don't always have a valid phone number for him. We found out he'd gotten engaged, when he phoned us back on Christmas day. We were away on vacation for a week in August, and came home to a phone message from him, stating that he and his fiancee, had a new baby girl, born that week. We had 'no idea' that they were expecting a baby, until this time. We then found out, that the rest of the family knew about the pregnancy way back in the winter. He'd phoned everyone 'except' us. My daughter in law, who's married to my middle stepson, didn't feel it was their place to tell me, which I understand. She was waiting for my youngest stepson to let us know. The problem is, my 16 year old daughter is very hurt by all of this, and feels quite left out. She's my only child, and although they're her half brothers, she longs to be included in these things, which I think she should be. She doesn't even want to hear this stepson's name mentioned now, and I'm planning on phoning him, but need to find the right time etc. It's hurtful to me too, as I was there for him (and all of them), but as an adult, can handle this better. Have you ever experienced anything like this, and how did you handle it? If not, what would you do? Thanks for taking the time to read this, and any thoughts you can share.
4 people like this
7 responses
• United States
11 Sep 07
I would call him and ask him why you are being left out of his circle of family.And I would say that you want to be included.
2 people like this
• Canada
11 Sep 07
Thanks for your advice, sarahruthbeth22. I'm planning on getting in touch with him, and will need to figure out what the best time is to call, when I'll actually get him. I'd hate to find him not home, and end up speaking with his fiancee, a total stranger to me, before I speak with my stepson. Thanks for your response.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Sep 07
Good luck.I hope you get together soon.Keep us posted how it went. Take care.
2 people like this
• Canada
13 Sep 07
Thanks so much, and I'll do that.
2 people like this
@mummymo (23707)
10 Sep 07
I am really not sure how I would handle this one! Okay my two are half brother and sister but I treat them as natural brother and sister and they love each other so much. I know that there are 14 years between your youngest stepson and your daughter but I don't think that is the reason - it sounds as though he has not always been stable and steady (not having valid phone numbers for instance) and a lot of people tend to be very insensitive before they have children of their own then, when their own children start to grow they realise how thoughtless and selfish they have been toward their own families; I know that happened with me at any rate! You know your stepson better than I do honey an probably know what to say to him better than I do but I would suggest letting him know that he has hurt his little sister! i do hope that things work out sweety - you certainly deserve them to! Hugs xxx
2 people like this
• Canada
11 Sep 07
Hi mummymo, It's so good to hear from you here. It's wonderful that your kids are so close, and I agree that there shouldn't be any difference, just because they don't both have the same two parents, but just one in common. You're right about him being irresponsible, as this is a trait of his, in other areas as well. It's very hard for my daughter, because this isn't the first time he's let her down, as he's broken promises etc. to her as well, over the years. I do hope that being a dad helps him to be a more considerate person. I know that I 'have' to speak with him, and need to find the right time, when I'm able to reach him. Thanks so much for sharing and for your kind words. Take care.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Sep 07
It is sad when people are this way. I know a lot of people who don't feel the family ties with step parents like they do with their biological parents, and in most cases the step parents are the ones who raised them and gave them their all. I am sorry that this has happened to you and your daughter. Maybe having a talk with your stepson and explaining that you guys really feel that he is a big part of your family even though his dad is gone might help out. I really don't know, but I wish you the best of luck!
• Canada
10 Sep 07
I know quite a few people like this too, and their main connection, and loyalty, seems to lie with their biological parents, even when the step family is the better one. Many people end up getting hurt. On the other hand, I also know of a couple of cases where the step parents are considered to be just as close as the real parents by these kids, and there's enough love to go around for everyone. I'm going to have to choose the right time, and give my stepson a call, but it's hard for me to even know what to say to him. I hate to see my daughter hurting like this. Thanks so much for your response, and your support here.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36353)
• United States
10 Sep 07
i WAS ACTUALLY IN THE SAME SITUATION. My younger brother and his girlfriend we in love. I was living with my wife not yet married. My wife was 8 months pregnant at this time of this event. After she gave birth and we had gotten married I get a call from my mom saying my brother and his girlfriend have a daughter a month older than ours. Noone told us all this time and she was born before my daughter. They knew about out upcoming child yet they never returned the favor telling us about theirs. Oh well. This is the brother that I don't associate with much since I soberred up. His daughter is the niece that I see a lot and took me to the Renaissance Festival. So I have not forgotten them. My brother knows the reason I avoid him nowdays as well. HAOPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
2 people like this
• Canada
10 Sep 07
Hi Grandpa Bob, Yours is a very similar situation, and I agree that it can be quite hurtful. I'm glad to hear you have this contact with your niece though. Although this situation bothers me, my main concern at the moment is my daughter, as she's just so upset, that I can't as much as mention my stepson's name around her. Thanks again, and take care.
1 person likes this
@sephrenia (567)
10 Sep 07
I know what you mean about it hurting being left out of the loop. I'm a stepmother to 7 kids who all went to live with their birth mother. I wouldnt have minded so much I don't think, but when she left my (now) husband, she took only 3 of the children with her and left the other 4 behind with no warning whatsoever. I took every hurtful thing they said, I still loved them, fed them and i like to think I gave them a half decent upbringing. When their mother came back on the scene after two years, I let them go back to her as was only proper and what they wanted. However, from that day forward, they have never contacted me or my husband unless they wanted something and would only then casually drop bombshells on us as they wandered through with their hands out. Also, my second oldest stepson bobby was in a car accident three years ago and for a long time was little more than a vegetable on a bed. His mother to be fair had the courtesy to tell us but then she paraded her new boyfriend around as bobbys father! That really made me want to blow my lid. since then they have barely kept us appraised of bobbys progress (hes now graduated to a wheelchair and gets taken outside), they didnt tell us he'd been moved to another hospital until it was already done, they didnt tell us that he can now use cards to communicate because he still cant talk and they dont tell us anything about their daily lives. It hurts a lot knowing that i tried so hard to help them and now they just want to wander off and leave me and their father out of the loop all the time. I just found out yesterday that my oldest stepdaughter is going to college and while it doesnt sound like much, shes the first of all the kids to go so its kind of important and I want to know about milestones like that but I never find out till its too late. Nowadays I try to keep the hurt about it inside and just concentrate on my own two because I know that once I say something, I will blow up and thats the last thing any of them need.
2 people like this
• Canada
10 Sep 07
Wow, you've been through so much in your step parenting experience (as have I), but I won't go into any more details here. I'm so sorry to hear that you're overlooked in these ways, and I know how hurtful this can be. It's very sad that your stepkids don't even acknowledge their own dad. I'm confident that if my husband were still alive, we'd have known about the pregnancy when everyone else found out. I too, bent over backwards to care for all of them, before and after their dad's passing. My middle stepson is good at thinking of my daughter and I as family, but my eldest, and this younger one I've mentioned, not so much. Thanks for sharing, and I wish you all of the best with your family.
1 person likes this
• Canada
12 Sep 07
So sorry that he did this to you and his sister... I'm sure that your daughter-in-law regrets her decision now considering how it has affected your daughter. I hope things can be rectified somehow!
1 person likes this
• Canada
12 Sep 07
Hi heavenschild, Thanks so much, for your support here. I know that my daughter-in-law regrets this, but it's not her fault, and I certainly understand her expectations, that my stepson would call us, as well as the rest of the family. I truly hope that things can be patched up too, and am mainly concerned for my daughter, at the moment, in all of this. Thanks for sharing.
1 person likes this
• Canada
12 Sep 07
I too am very concerned about your daughter at this time as it is not good for her to be so upset with her brother even though I can't blame her! Still forgiveness is good for the soul. I'll be praying for her and your family that this all works out well in the end! :)
1 person likes this
• Canada
13 Sep 07
Thanks, heavenschild. I really appreciate this.:)
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Sep 07
My stepchildren do not have anything to do with me. Only one of my husband's children acknowlege him. His son disconnected from him. His daughter will send him pity mail with a picture of his grandson attached. We found out she married when "he" received an invitation to her wedding that was 3 months prior to his receiving it.
1 person likes this
• Canada
23 Sep 07
I'm sorry to hear about this situation, ElusiveButterfly. It's especially not fair to your husband, as the natural father. In our case, it's my daughter-in-law (who's married to my middle stepson), that makes 'our family' a priority, as we hold a special place in her heart, and we've become good friends. Without her, I 'really' don't feel we'd have much contact with 'any' of my stepchildren anymore, since their dad's passing. Thanks for sharing.