How to deal with this problem?

@hztb1k (16)
India
September 12, 2007 11:24pm CST
Hi, I am a 25 year old Indian wife married for almost 1.5 years.I have a boy baby too.My husband is an adopted son to my inlaws.They are very much attached to each other. My inlaws are very possesive towards my husband...and I am too. My mother in law is a very cunning lady that she makes my husband to fight with me for some reason.My husband does not understands this and fights with me....result is we lose our happyness..My husband doesnt share most of the information with me...like his income,expenditure and other things..but he does with his parents...I never mind this..I am also working and I am very frank with him....I show him my payslips,my investments and my expenditure...I am fully confident that the problem is with both my inlaws and my husband...How to deal with this..?sometimes i even long for him to be frank to me...how ca i correct him? please advise
2 people like this
16 responses
@archer1811 (1099)
• Philippines
13 Sep 07
Maybe you have to be kind to your inlaws and most of all trust your husband as you trust him before, it maybe the way for you to be more closer to your husband. Having a good relationship between your inlaws can help your marriage more happy at least you dont have any bad feeling inside your heart. This also brings a peace on your mind and heart. Try to be close to your inlaws so that you dont think of bad thing between you and your husband. Your inlaws will not live that long like your marriage life, you both promise to live with each other for the rest of your life. And most men leave their parents to have their own family. Maybe sooner your husband will realize that too.
2 people like this
@hztb1k (16)
• India
14 Sep 07
I am very kind to them..but they understnd..thay always think that only their son and grandson are important to him...just ignore me...I don't even feel like their family member.
• India
13 Sep 07
i guess try getting your mother in law and ur husband both into confidence...u play a smart game ...shoot ur mother in laws game back to her but by makin her bad...play her game...ur plus point is ur son..gfet ur husband used to u...he will automatically share..
• South Africa
13 Sep 07
don't play any games with him ask him why did he marry you and what does the future hold for you guys he was first suppose to love his mum enough before marrying you.You deserve to be happy in your marraige no one was brought to this earth to be unhappy including him and now that you guys have a child he needs to be a loving, caring daddy! not his mum its either he buys you your own house or its never too late to quite sorry to say this but staying unhappy its not fair .My prayers will always be with you and that baby and hope that our almighty will solve this trust him call his name he will answer. Stay blessed
@dchamber (28)
• Malaysia
13 Sep 07
I can understand your feelings. The typical Indian Husband.For a change try not to share with him.See his reaction to this.It will be tough but I think it would work. Let him realise that you too have feelings
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Sep 07
i agree.. my husband is indian/pakistani and we sort of had similar problems when we first married i sat him down and explained this is now how a marriage works..and if he wants it to work.. this is the way it works.. or there really is no reason to be married.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
13 Sep 07
Wow. You have a real dilemma. Your husband is wrong in his ways for when he married you, you became number one. When a man and woman marry, they've cut the apron strings of their parents and became one. He's suppose to go to you for anything and everything NOT his mother. It's time you give him the altimatum, you or his mother because he's a big time momma's boy which is a big baby. He's tied to his mommy's apron strings and can't let go. He also needs to be taking up for you instead of starting fights. He needs to tell his mother to mind her own business and stop this nonsense because you are his wife and she's to accept that or the relationship between them two will become strained. You have to put your foot down in this issue and know that it could go either way meaning, he may leave you or you may have to leave him to get him to realize you mean what you say.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Sep 07
Wow.. how lucky the guy is. It's not easy to find another wife like you who loves his husband so much. He is very lucky.. Your one of a kind person, there are a lot of people searching for someone like you. Honest, trustworthy, and showing that you are really inlove with him. Why is he like that?.. THere may be a lot of explanations and reasons but in our era. Although most people in the society are more practical but can't you imagine if being loved by someone else. It far beyond imagination. THe feeling of love is worthless and intense. My advice is that, chill, go to other places, explore, there are more good things in life, a million and million of good things. Or both of you go to a romantic place, or on vacation so that youll have good conversation. WHile he is near with your inlaws the tendency is that the inlaws will continue of what they are doing. Another advice.. Be cool ok..
@hztb1k (16)
• India
14 Sep 07
He has gone abroad on deputation for 6 months...I expect a welcome change from him once he is back...Guess this time will give him enough learning,..LEt's hope for the best...Thank you.
@jothis (519)
• India
14 Sep 07
This should be taken as a serious issue. Otherwise you will loose your life. What your in laws and spouses are doing is making a faulty image about you in his mind and their main aim will be his money. I am dam sure. Why i am saying this in a harshy way due to my experience. So try to understand your husband not directly. But you have to ring the truths in his view. Love him more and don't try to argue with him in this matter. Look you know what is happening and he dont. So what you have to do is to make him aware of the situation. Dont wrry all will alright
@lisa_wxy (393)
• China
14 Sep 07
well,it is really a headache problem. you should take some steps to increase trust between u and ur husband.sure couples need space ,but they would like to share their own things with the other one,it is normal,less or more. don't be mad,just supportive,and tender.have a nice talk with ur husband,very calm.
• Philippines
14 Sep 07
The best thing for you to do is to write him a letter, saying all the things from your heart. Tell him that a family should start a new with both of you. You may understand his family but likewise, she should also undestand you as a wife. It may be right to write him a letter than saying it personally since there will be no arguments that may arise. Say each words in your letter in the best kind word ever. I'm also a wife and i undesrtand want maybe your feelings too.
• United States
14 Sep 07
You need to communicate with your husband about this. Don't wait for a fight. Talk to him about it when you both can listen and talk to each other without fighting. It would be perfect for you if your in-laws just stayed back and didn't interfere as much but if that can't happen at least try to tell your husband that it upsets you because his mother is doing this. I don't know why he's hiding things from you but not from his parents. Something is wrong here.
@ebusaf (329)
• United States
14 Sep 07
I understand your issue, because I had a similar problem when I first got married with my mother in-law. I think the best way to deal with it, is not to argue, but just stand up with confidence and show him, that you can be the strong #1 woman in his life instead of his mom/parents. The best fight you can give him, is not with your words, but with your actions. Show him that you're not going to be bothered by the things he's doing wrong, and that no matter what, you will continue to do whats right by him and your family. Hopefully, he will realize where his real priorities are, when he she's you given him the example of how he should be. Be strong, don't let it bother you (sometimes in marriages you have to ignore stuff), and he and his parents will also admire that in you, and your problems will soon be behind you. By no means am I saying be a push over, you just have to show people that things don't bother you. The more people see their actions are affecting you, the more they do it. If they see you are not affected, they will soon get tired and stop.
@sandwedge (1341)
• Malaysia
14 Sep 07
it is easier to advise than to take one. the reason is the person giving advice is detached from the subject emotionally. those experiencing the predicament is thinking with their heart while those giving advice is thinking with their brain. non is better than the other, but you have to figure out a neutral area in between. usually people do not appreciate what they have until its gone. leave and take you child with you. let him think about it. if he doesn't come to get you AND change, then its good riddance. why spend your whole life in torment?
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
13 Sep 07
argument - spouses should be open and supportive to each other
Well your marriage is young. Be a good wife and some day you'll earn the trust and respect of your in-laws. But I agree with you that your husband is wrong not to reveal his finances to you. Spouses should be very open to each other especially with money. Otherwise how can you make a proper budget.
• Canada
13 Sep 07
You are a strong and honest woman with morals, I admire that about you. But it is unfair that you are showing him everything and yet he hides those information from you. What your inlaws and your husband are trying to do is to contain your freedom, they want to make a 'wife' out of you, not a 'woman'. If it was me I would bring everyone together and just be frank with them, ask them questions without the sugar on top. Make yourself heard that you are a woman with individuality and thoughts, and you don't want to be pushed around. Best of luck, love.
@myrith (1830)
• Canada
13 Sep 07
I'm sorry for sounding so negative, but I'll tell you the truth, I dont see any end in sight, once the parents have so much control over your husband, he will always stick by them. Why should you share your earnings with him when he doesn't do the same? I think you should treat him the way he treats you.
@meemingNEW (2228)
• Philippines
13 Sep 07
Hi there.. First of all, my aunt is also experiencing what you are experiencing now.. in fact, she's been treated that way for more than 15 years..about 19. Her husband never tells her his financial information. Her inlaws keep on making some issues against my aunt so that they will argue with her husband. It is totally cruel for them to do that. But I am happy that my aunt is doing her best to keep their family in tact. She's used to the gossips and stuff but it is hurtful sometimes but my aunt is a strong and also a frank person that's why she still has her family together. The difference from your situation is that her husband is not adopted.. :) Well anyway, it is great that you are frank with your husband and that you also show him your financial information and stuff. The problem is with your inlaws really and some what your husband.. He is already an adult, . he knows that he is adopted that is why he respects what his mother and family says or tells him to do.. but they don't have the right to run all his life especially your marriage. You can correct your husband by telling him frankly about this issue since you can never deal with this problem alone.. Or if you are pretty verbal, you can always confront the inlaws and tell them that you as a couple should be given some privacy, that they won't keep on getting between the both of you nor even starting an issue so that the both of you will fight , etc.. You are still young.. young as a woman, a wife and a couple. You can handle things in a calm way. Keep your cool and just try to prove to the inlaws that you're the best wife for their son. Best of luck to you.
@jodenton (222)
13 Sep 07
Tell him how you feel. At first it might make things worse but if something is bothering you it is best to get it out in the open. Then you can deal with it. Of course this is much easier said than done. I have many things that I don't say to my husband mainly cos i@m a wimp!