should i blame my dad for leaving us?

@jHoEn16 (2043)
Australia
September 21, 2007 7:22pm CST
its been 24 years since my dad left us... until now it was still a big ? for me what really happened and what are the reasons why he left.. all i know is that he left us when i was only 5 months old on my mums tummy.. i suffered a lot of hardship and depressions.. my mum left me to my grandparents in the province when i was 3years old, her reason was to look for a job so that she can earn money for my studies.. but i didnt get anything... she went back and visit me after 7 years but she doesnt want to hold me she used to give me an excuse that she was sick ( but she was with her cousins outside having a stroll ) so that i wont get near to her... she doesnt want me to sleep beside her to think that i miss her so much after those long years of leaving me... but i still respect her i know that she was angry with what my dad did... but do i have to suffered it all? i dont know how it feels to have a dad beside you, i was always insecure everytime i saw my classmates being with thier dad... i am crying and asking why do i have to experienced it all... now i have my own family, but those question are still on my mind... i am still looking for an answer... i was happy that i have a different life with my mum but i cant move on that easy... tell me, should i blame my dad for leaving us? i wont suffer this much if he only stay..
9 people like this
31 responses
@raijin (10380)
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
I don't think blaming him would change what you're into right now, I guess the best thing to do here is to find him. Just think about it, you are living maybe your dream right now and that you wonder where could he be right now or what he is doing. Watching people reunited with their loved ones, even for half a century is still a heart-warming scene. I suggest you do it too, for you'll never know what feeling you'd have towrds him after seeing one another!;)
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
i am friend... its been 24 years now and still i am trying my best to find him... but as the saying goes, its hard to find a person who doesnt want to be seen... i am hoping that one day we wil meet again... i dont hate him... if he doesnt want me then fine, all i want is to see him in person and ask all the questions that are still hangin up on my mind... i am still dreaming and imagining that somehow someday we will be reunited...even the two of us... but how? he didnt even try to find me? he knows where to go and ask...
2 people like this
@raijin (10380)
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
It could be because he's too hesitant, he's afraid to experience the feeling of being disappointed. Don't lose hope and do what you can, afterall, he's still your father.
1 person likes this
@roniroxas (10576)
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
no... i dont think you have to blame him. though it is really painful for you for you feel not complete because you dont know your dad, or didint have the chance to meet him. there are a lot of reason why he left. and those reasons are still unknown for you havent got a chance to talk with him.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
i know, but he should come out and show... but it seems like he is hiding away from me... i have a lot of things to ask him but how could i do that when i didnt even know where he is? its been 24 years now but he never tried to find me... and its already 24 years that i am waiting
2 people like this
@Zhukov (106)
• Norway
22 Sep 07
Yepp, you should blame him, a real man dont leave his kids or wife, just like a good woman dont leave hers.
2 people like this
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
thanks for the responce zhukov1 i do appreciate your own opinion... have a nice day ahead
2 people like this
@meaculpa (339)
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
Try to focus in your new life. Now that you are a parent, show love and concern for your kids, the care that your parents did not give you. Past is past, the good thing about it is that it is over. Be positive in your life. Forgive your parents, remove resentments in your heart. Keep yourself busy with home chores, enjoy your kids. Lastly, pray that you will be healed from your wounds. Good luck to you and God bless!
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
i always think positive, if not i dont know where i am now... just like what you said i am making myself busy with my kid and my hubby... thanks for the responce
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
22 Sep 07
There must have been a very big reason he left. And you can't blame him. We only have one life to live and he had to do what he had to do. You have your own family so hold on tight and don't let it happen to your kids. Sometimes you have to let go of what bugs you and just get on with your future. He is and always will be your dad. Love him anyway.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
i know that we only one life to live but does it mean he have to do that? abandon us? is that the way he want to live his life? i love him pal, inspite of what he have done to us... he is my father...without him i wouldnt be here now... i am glad to live my life now in proper... and like what you said, i wont never ever do that to my kid... thanks for the responce pal
1 person likes this
@meemingNEW (2228)
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
In a way, yes. I mean, he's your father and what did he do? He wasn't man enough to face and take care of his responsibilities of both you and your mom. If I were in your shoes, I can also think that my father is too blame for all your hardships and sufferings. Not just your father. If I were in your situation, I would also be considering of blaming my mom. I mean, your father have left you already, and what did she do? She left and you and did the same thing as what your father did. I'm pretty emotional about this stuff even though I haven't experienced what you have gone through with your parents. Your mother should have taken all the responsibility of being a mom and at the same time being a dad for you. Too bad she didn't. But you have to be thankful for those people who raised you up since birth to being an adult. All your questions regarding your parents are answerable if you ask them. But if that's a difficult thing to do, then just correct all the mistakes that they did and be a better mother and parent to your own kids. Definitely you don't want your kids to suffer the way you did. Also, you just have to prove to yourself and prove to your parents that you've grown up to be that person you are now without their guidance. Be a better person than them.. I hope you will be okay. Best of luck.
1 person likes this
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
like what i said to others, i am not placing all the blame to my dad.. i havent seen him yet and i dont know his reason... the only thing i hate is , he didnt even try to find me when i know that he can... that it would be easy for him to find me than me finding him... my mom and i doesnt have a good relationship after what she did... the respect was still there, after all she was still my mum and i owe her my life... but she cant blame me... he did a lot of things that make me feel bad... asking those questions is easy, the hardest part is asking the person who doesnt want to talk about it, nor even bother to answer me. i am raising my kid to the best that i can, of course with my hubby.. i wouldnt let it happen to my kid... i would never leave him nor abandoned him... i want to prove to my mum and that what kind of person i am without thier guidance.. thanks for the responce mate, i appreciate it so much
1 person likes this
@tyc415 (5706)
• United States
22 Sep 07
I know you want to blame your dad for leaving when you were a baby but I think you should not place blame on him until hopefully one day you can see him and get some of your questions answered by him. If you have children of your own now please don't let them suffer from your feeling insecure. Thank goodness you had such wonderful grandparents to take care of you, it sounds to me like you grew up to be a fine person.
1 person likes this
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
dont worry pal, i would never ever do that to my son... i love him so much and i want the best for him... i didnt blame my dad that much... i just dont like the idea of leaving us without any reason for us to understand... i am trying my best to find him although sometimes it is impossible for me... but he didnt do his part.. maybe he really dont want me thanks for the thoughts i appreciate it so much
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
Things always happens for a reason. First of all, you are still curious and finding the answer why your Dad leave you and your mother. Did you try to ask your mother about it?. If you asked although and if i was in your position,even if he is my Dad, i will not bother to think about him. I had faced my life without it and i will continue to face it without him. He did not came back for you, why bother to think about him. I guess your not that important to him, so i guess you should treat this thing not important also. I understand you are in the situation that you are still longing for a father, and it is really tragic, i hope someone will take care of you and love you so that it will full your dads shortcomings. Try to focus your mind of improving your life although it is not complete and you are still looking for something. Try to think positive,and let your subject of priorities is your life because you have to face your situation. Time will come and all your sorrow will drift away,and your question will be answer. Maybe God has plan to make it a fruitful one. We never know.
1 person likes this
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
yeah, i did it thousand times... i am asking her again and again but she refuse to tell the truth... i am asking my relatives that knows about thier relationship but they didnt tell me either... i am also asking that, if i am important to him then why he didnt bother to find me? i am convincing myself to hate him but i cant... he was still my father whatever bad things he did to me i still love him..i am still longing for him... like what i said, i always think positive... i have to. in order to move on... thanks for the responce friend, i appreciate it..
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 Sep 07
Hello jHoEn...many of us have some sad memories from our childhood. I am sorry for Your sad experiences and how you have suffered much. What happened to us while still young damages us and sometimes stays with us till we die. It is what You do with those difficult and painful times that makes a huge difference. If we harbour resentment even when it is deserved and continue to feed that pain, we never move forward with our lives. Our children, our partner suffers along with us and sad yet true, we also project those fears, pain and resentment towards them. It is good to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps get some loving support from a group or therapy or thru Church to help You deal with the shattered roots of Your childhood. Your own mother dealt with it by closing her heart and warmth to You for she was hurting herself and perhaps still carries with her the pain till this day. It is about forgiveness and empathy towards those who wronged us. I know of this for I myself have had very traumatic years in my life. In order to heal and grow to be our authentic selves, we must look deep inside of us. Love the child we were and accept that it is of no fault of yourself that pain visited your life. It was circumstances that perhaps made your father leave. It is about empathy for those who have wronged us. What were they going through? Can we forgive them? Was their own life conflicted with many things going on? I am not saying making excuses for them but putting ourselves as it were in their own shoes. I bet it was also traumatic for Your father. I hope You can find peace someday, Sweetie. My best to YOU!!!
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
23 Sep 07
thank you sweetestmagnolia! :) thats why i decide to put this on my conversation... i want to share it to people i feel better knowing that anybody give thier opinions... i never tried to talked about my parents even before.. only few of my friends know the real story behind me... i kept it bymyself coz i dont want to be the center of topic from other people.. i dont want to be laugh by others and at the same time i dont want others think what kind of parents i have... i am still thankful to them coz without them im not here... i didnt hate them that much... i just want an answered to all my questions... then after that i am willing to forgive them and move on... until now friend, i never lose hope that somehow someday i would meet my dad and hug him for the first time... i hope by that time it wont be too late for both of us... thanks for the advice friend... i do appreciate it
• Canada
25 Sep 07
jHoEn...You have such a good heart...I hope You will find some closure someday...God bless! hugs
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
25 Sep 07
thanks you sweetestmagnolia my friend... you are a sweet and a good person too... thanks for the responce
@gmakesmoney (2923)
• United States
22 Sep 07
I grew up with a similar situation and I did blame my father for years for not being there for me. I think to this day that I do still blame him and I haven't been able to forgive him but I hope one day to be able to do so. I think it's important not to hold on to those feelings because they can make us bitter and miss out on so many things and emotions in life now. Being that angry and someone forever ties that person to you and allows them to continue to hurt you through their past action. Which in turn leaves a shadow of anger and hurt in your heart and if your heart is angry how can it offer love to anyone else? I've faced that problem myself recently with other issues and people that I had to forgive so that I could let go of the burden I felt in my heart. I wish you luck in being able to free yourself from all of that.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
23 Sep 07
i understand you my friend, i know the feeling... it is really hard to let go of this feelings... of all the pain and tears you have cried its not that eaasy...but i am trying... to the best that i can... i am trying to let go of this and forgive him just for myself and for my own family as well.. thanks for the advice pal
• United States
25 Sep 07
You're very welcome. I know just how hard it can be and I pray for God to forgive my father while I try to do it myself. There is one book that is really good and helped me deal with something very traumatic in my life, it's called Life Strategies by Dr. Phil. You can get the book or an ebook from amazon.com. It really does help not just with matters of forgiveness but with all kinds of problems and how they affect your life and how to really work through them. It can be a little hard sometimes as the exercises in the book ask you to really look at yourself but it's 100% worth following through with and reading. Best of luck!
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
25 Sep 07
thanks for the site friend... i will try to look at it and download some... i love dr. phil show... you can pick some lessons on his topic thanks again and have a good night ahead
@sophylline (1042)
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
Oh jhoen...(((hugs))). I am so sorry for what has happened to you in the past. But you know what, look at it on the bright side, you have your own little family now. You have a wonderful and loving husband and an adorable child. What more could you ask for now. I think what has happened to you in the past should stay there... in the past. Don't bring it back to the present. Don't try to ask whose fault it is. It's just the way life is. Some things happen for a reason. Some things are far beyond outer appearance we do not know. Whatever the reason why that has happened, try to think that has helped you to be the person that you are now. A strong, beautiful person, inside and out. I think what you should focus on now is forgiveness and not on blaming anyone. It will not do you any good, it will just try to make you feel worse. So, girl, count your blessings now and feel happy and thankful that you have actually turned your life around!! You are great.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
22 Sep 07
thanks for the hugs sophylline! i can feel it... you were right there friend, i have a little family, a good husband and a handsome son... we are happy together with our simple life... so what could i asked for? whatever past i have, it is really a things that hard to deal. but i am thankful on the other hand, coz that experienced makes me more a strong person... until now i cant imagine how i face that all... how i smile to people that they didnt notice all the pain inside of me? hmmmmm it was really hard.. i am not really blaming my dad, i am still looking some answers to all the questions i have in my mind... i am happy now with my family but i will be more happy to see my dad and tell him that i am a big girl now... show him what kind of grandson he have... thanks for your nice advice friend i appreciate it so much... have a nice day ahead
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
I understand where you're coming from my friend. I know all these advises are so easily said than done. Some things like this may leave a deep scar. And I really hope you find something to heal it. I know you haven't seen your dad ever. And you have no idea where his whereabouts. Whatever your decisions are with your dad and what will happen, remember that what you have now is more precious and that's what matters. Take care my friend.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
23 Sep 07
i know friend... thare are a lot of advices ive got from here... but they are hard to apply... especially to me, i am most emotional you know... but i will try my best to do what you said.. thanks for being a friend... thanks for the advice i appreciate it a lot
1 person likes this
@cher913 (25895)
• Canada
27 Sep 07
i was watching oprah yesterday and they were talking about how divorce afftects a child for their whole life. kids internalize everything and think that the divorce is their fault (i am writing a book on the subject) also in yo ur case, we always wonder what could of been or should have been, its in our make up...its just the way we were made.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
28 Sep 07
thanks for the responce pal and goodluck to your career... i would love to read it
@izathewzia (5142)
• Philippines
27 Sep 07
There is always a reason for everything that is happening to us. If you think what your dad is wrong and caused yo u and your family so much trouble, better talk to him regarding it. Just show him the effects of his wrong decisions. But don't blame him for he,too has a reason that might not be valid to you, but to him, it really matters. Always give others a benefit of the doubt. Upon talking to him and telling straight to his face how he affected you, try to patch up and clear things between you and him. Don't harbor anger or blame him all that happened. Just release your emotions. And learn to accept the reality.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
28 Sep 07
i didnt blame him that much.. i just dont like the idea of hiding away from me... he didnt even try to find me which is very easy for him to do... igod knows how i wanted to meet him and ask everything... i just want to know the whole story then after that i will be okay thanks for sharing
@gr8life (6253)
• Malaysia
27 Sep 07
HellojHoEn16, I am truly sorry to hear your sad story. Lets bygone be bygone. There is no point for you to blame your father anymore. He had long gone. Even if he still alives, it doesn't ensure you that life will be good for both of you. I understand the feelings and the hardships that you have to endure. Maybe you just need forgive him for what had happened and the difficult relationship that you had with your mother before. I hope life will be easier and happier for you in the future. Take care!
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
28 Sep 07
thanks gr8life my friend! i will try my best to forgive and forget about it... i know it is very hard but i will do it... i didnt hate my dad that much... so i think it woulld be easy for me to forgive him... especially now that i have a family on my own... thanks for the responce
@hassanah (387)
• Malaysia
25 Sep 07
You should forgive him.But i know it's hard.Without him,you will not born.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
25 Sep 07
thanks for the responce pal... i appreciate a lot... i know i can forgive my dad for what he did... but it will take time..
@shy_gal (235)
• Malaysia
25 Sep 07
Since you already have your new life, just concentrate on it, do not think back the unhappiness things which you made you feel sad only. U do not know the real reason that he left your and your mum, how can you blame him? Maybe is your mum mistake or some reason that he want to left the family. Maybe one day you can meet him, then you can ask him the reason he do so. If he just lft you without any reason, i think you also do not want this kind of father. but just forgive him if he has the reason that can;t disclosed out. Now, try to open your hearth and leave those things, do not think much on it.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
25 Sep 07
i will my friend... i am starting to let go of the past and continue facing a new day with my family, i know that i can forgive my dad if ever i see him... he is still my dad whatever pain he gives me..
@Zelmarq (11508)
• Cebu City, Philippines
25 Sep 07
its over and done with and I dont think pointing fingers to your mother or or ftaher wont do anything to help you feel happy. What matters is that you were able to survive life without the parents that should have given you the care and attention. be thankful enough that you were blessed with loving grandparents who were there to support you during those lowest points in your life. I dont blame you for asking or for feeling insecure coz thats very normal, its a basic need and we really look for the people where we came from. I just pray that soon you will find your father. our prayers for your; Hazel
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
25 Sep 07
thanks pal for the prayers... now god would hear it lol... i am still wishing that time would come... that i will meet my dad and hug him tight... have a goodnight thanks for responding
• China
22 Sep 07
In fact,your parents hurt you.Your father's leave made you and your mother's life change.If I were you,maybe I will blame him.However,24 years has passed.I think you should take focue on your own life.Do your best to make your family happy.Don't repeat your father's mistake.I know you can't put aside your father's left.So accept it.Accept the fact.No matter how hurt your father make,just accpet it.Maybe you will find another feeling.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
23 Sep 07
i will do that my friend... but ill do it slowly, coz it is very hard to accept on my side... thanks for the responce and the advice i appreciate it so much
@beaniegdi (1966)
22 Sep 07
That is so sad and such a hard thing for you to have to bear. I am really glad that you have your own family now and hope tht you now have happiness with them. It is really bad your dad left and you may never know why he did but what I do know is that to find peace within yourself you have to forgive him. Even though you can't tell him to his face you will find if you can forgive him in your heart for leaving then you will find it easier to feel happier for the rest of your life. It is never easy to forgive when someone has hurt us but once we have forgiven them for that hurt then we can move on with our lives without carrying lots of regrets within us. Sometimes it helps also to ask not 'why me' but 'why not me' as bad things happen and it was not your fault so it was nothing you did or deserved. I hope you can put these things behind you and find happiness with your family and in your present and future life. Don't miss happiness today by dwelling always on the sadness of yesterday.
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
23 Sep 07
it is really a hard thing... until now i cant believe that im still here standing strong, i admire myself, coz i face that problems alone.. i always think of my future and the people around me who has nothing but didnt give up....i just cant help that sometimes the past keep haunting me... and i realize that i am still looking for an answer of those questions.. i know i would be completely happy in the near future... if i totally let go of this anger.. thanks friend for the advice i appreciate it
• India
22 Sep 07
Hi!Well,in LIFE, many things are learnt the HARD WAY.You are one of its victims.But,do not let this bother you.Life has to move on & accept it as it comes.No point in blaming anyone for anything.If at all you happen to meet your father sometime in the near future, you can have a straight forward talk & have your questions answered.Now, with a FAMILY, you have many things in hand, make the most of it,give your children all what you longed for in life & enjoy the thrill.The satisfaction in giving is much more than when you get.Love your mother & make her overcome the pain if she really understands you.Life is short, make it as sweet as possible. GOD BLESS!! www.creatingcolourfulfuture.com
@jHoEn16 (2043)
• Australia
23 Sep 07
thanks for the site, i will look at that to learn more... thanks for the advice friend i appreciate it