My son asked us to move in with his family.

@Pose123 (21667)
Canada
September 22, 2007 12:05pm CST
Recently, my son and his wife invited me and his stepmother to come live with them. They live in a large city in another part of the country, we live in a small town. The invitation took us both by surprise, but we promised to consider it. I believe my son feels that we are old, and don't like the idea of us having to clear snow in the winter etc. I will be 68 next month and my wife is 65, and we certainly don't think of ourselves as old. The offer was a good one because our living expenses would be much less, and also another son lives in the same city. We would also be living near our grandchildren. In the end though, there really wasn't anything to consider, we thanked them of course, but both felt that we should remain in our own home. I believe that people need their own space, and we really wouldn't have that. Also I felt that situations might arise that would cause friction, and maybe even a rift in the family. The invitation did get me thinking though, when I do get older, would I want to live with family or in a seniors home? I realize that I may not have to make that decision, but if I do, I'll just have to reevaluate the situation at that time. What does everyone think? Did we make the right decision? Blessings.
6 people like this
17 responses
@carmelanirel (20979)
• United States
23 Sep 07
You have a wonderful son Pose123, not many children want their parents moving in with them. And sometimes unfortunately if the parents are getting too old, they would rather pay for a nursing home than to help care for them. I say three cheers to your son and I would tell him that you appreciate the offer, but don't feel ready yet and when the time comes, you will let him know..:)
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi carmel, Thank you very much, yes we are very appreciative of him. We're just not ready for that yet, but he is there if we ever need him. Blessings.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Oct 07
I hope all is well with you and your son, Pose123 and thanks for the best response..:)
• United States
23 Sep 07
Yes i am sure that you did make the right decision. You are probably right, it might have caused problems. Although im sure it would have been nice for you and your wife to be so close to your grandchildren. As for when you get older - living with your family might make you feel more comfortable. My parents and i moved in with my grandfather when i was 13 to help take care of him. We never once felt it was a burden. And i cherished every minute i had with him. Just a little something for you to think about. =)
2 people like this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi nmhschic, I think you may be right, maybe later. My parents lived with us for about a year before my father passed on, and my mother continued to live with us for another nine years after that. It was probably one of the few times when it worked well, but then my mother was ten years older then I am now, when they came to live with us. I know my sons have fond memories of their grandmother. Thank you for commenting, I appreciate it. Blessings.
• Philippines
23 Sep 07
My mom is 60years old. I've been telling her to live with me. She said she doesn't want to because she wants her independence. That's fine right now. However, when she is older, I would want to take care of her. I would be happiest if she give me the chance to return to her the love and care she gave me for so many many years. I guess she would want that as well, she just probably feels that she would be a burden, but that is not so. I definitely want my mom to be with me when is old and needs care. I'd love to do that with my father as well but he passed away, and this made me more protective of my mother. Parents are the one the most important people for me :)
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi christineli, You sound very appreciative of your mom, and you must love her very much. At 60 she is probably much too young to want to give up her independence, but I'm sure she's happy to know that you will be there, when she needs you. Thanks for your comments. Blessings.
@briarose (124)
• United States
23 Sep 07
Completely a personal decision and you have to take in account your relationships. You would not have wanted to move in with him and lose any of your independence you both are to young for that. When my father passed away my mother was only 65 but I remained with her after I married until she passed away for us it worked because we had a lot of respect and boundaries. We helped with the upkeep of the house and after haveing nine children she would have been very lonely living alone. That does not mean we never disagreed but it worked for us. One of the amazing advantages of this to me is that she got to spend so much time with my daughter and that is just irreplaceable to me. I have seen it work for a lot of people if there is an in-law-suite that has a seperate entrance and small kitchen that way you could have your space. I used to work in hospice and came across many couples who moved to retirement communities and when their spouse passed they became very lonely because alot of the community activities revolved around couples. I have also been in many nursing homes and depending on your financial situation there could be a huge difference in level of care. Even in the nicest facilities I have encountered many depressed and lonely seniors who sat and waited for their weekly visits or on days they were to go out with family they would be dressed and ready to go by 7AM even though the family wasn't due to arrive until the afternoon. yes there are many scheduled activities and the caregivers do there very best to keep you amused however some of those caregivers also tend to treat older people as children and not the mature individuals they are, then again some family do this also. So yes you guys are still young so you have time to think things through for your future. Me personally after my work experience I always promised myself I would never put anyone I loved in a nursing home if I could help it. Maybe take your son up on some weekend visits to spend time with him and his family that way he would know you are doing okay and you get to go home. Tell him that a snowblower would be a nice Christmas present LOL take care and enjoy!
2 people like this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi briarose, Thank you for responding, and for your comments. Your knowledge of nursing homes is greater then most. We are very pleased that my son and daughter-in-law care enough to invite us. It might indeed be an option that we would look at in the future. Blessings.
@mkirby624 (1599)
• United States
22 Sep 07
I saw absolutely not. Try to move CLOSER, but not in with them. No matter how good your relationship is, you guys will DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY.
2 people like this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
23 Sep 07
Hi mkirby, Thank you for responding. I think the decision to keep our own space was the right one, at least for now. Blessings.
@TerryZ (22083)
• United States
22 Sep 07
Yes I think you made the right decision. Like you said everyone needs their own space. I guess they were worried about you thats all. I think that was very nice of them to offer. But for now enjoy your home.
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
23 Sep 07
Hi TerryZ, Thanks for commenting, I think you summed it all up very nicely. Blessings.
@Mirita (2668)
• United States
22 Sep 07
I think that you have a wonderful son ,and is nice that he wishes to have you close to him ,but I agree with you that is important to remain independent as much as possible ,but I also feel that once you are 80 or 90 it would be okay to live with your son. I worked in a nursing home before ,and I feel is best that you live with your family. Who knows because you might be one of those people who can remain independent until 100 years old. Try to exercise and keep a balance diet and you might stay independent forever.
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
23 Sep 07
Hi Mirita, I'm sure that My son has our best interest at heart, and maybe someday we will live with them. In the meantime, we will take things one day at a time. Thanks for responding. Blessings.
@rosie_123 (6118)
22 Sep 07
Well I don't think there is any right or wrong decision with something like that - it just has to be how you and your wife feel, and what you think is the best for the two of you. I do understand your son's reasoning - I have also asked my elderly Father to leave his home and move in with us on several occasions, but he has turned me down for the same reasons you decided - he wants to keep his own space and independance for as long as possible, and I respect that, - even though it worries me that he cannot be with me for me to "keep an eye" on him 24/7. So I would say you have done the right thing for your situation at this moment in time, and no one knows what will happen down the lne, so let's just wait and see what happens. I'm sure your sons will always do their best for you and keep your best interests in their hearts,
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
23 Sep 07
Hi rosie, Thanks for responding and your take on the situation. We are very grateful to my son and daughter-in-law, for the invitation. It's good to feel wanted, but we are not ready for that as yet. I believe my sons will always be there for us, and that's a good feeling. Blessings.
@AmbiePam (50444)
• United States
22 Sep 07
I think you did the right thing. It's wonderful to know that you are wanted, especially these days when kids leave their parents to fend for themselves. But you and your wife are perfectly capable human beings, and it is evident by your discussions, you have a sounder mind than most of us twenty somethings. Besides, your reasons for not going are valid. There is only room for one 'boss' in a household, and thinking about my parents moving in with me, I know there would be a clash. They are used to being their own boss, and so am I. It sure would be interesting!
2 people like this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
23 Sep 07
Hi AmbiePam, Thank you for your vote of confidence. Yes, We do feel good about the invitation, but we are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves as yet. Blessings.
1 person likes this
@alamode (3073)
• United States
22 Sep 07
When my Pop, aka Mr. Stubborn, was diagnosed with cancer, he arranged to sell his home in short order and moved to a retirement village a few miles from us. He still had his privacy until I needed to go and care for him, his own friends, and no problems. This is our plan for our later years, but for now, we're staying HOME!
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
23 Sep 07
Hi alamode, Thanks for your comments. Blessings.
• Philippines
24 Sep 07
I think you made the right decision. Staying for a day or two would be fine but staying for good may really cause friction.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi erickrubio, Thank you for responding. I feel too that there could be problems eventually, also we still want our freedom. Blessings.
@jbrooks0127 (2326)
• United States
24 Sep 07
I love this post. I think everyone over sixty has some form of this to deal with. I am 66....do not feel old at all but I am beginning to see that my children think so. Moving in with them however will not be an option unless we have no other choice. I think you make the right decision. My wife and I can't imagine living with and being beholding to our children. It may come to assisted living at some point, way in the future of course. LOL But nothing else. I do agree with you that sooner or later if you moved in with them there would be rifts. Your children would be in the driver seat and at least in their minds become the parents. Parish the thought. And I have found in the past, and this is not meant to be sexist, that a mother and daughter cannot live together for more than a week. This is from personal experience. They could be the best of friends until that happens. So enjoy your independence and just visit. *smile*
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi jbbrooks, I see that you can appreciate the situation. We know that we aren't old, and although we are grateful for the offer, we would never accept it at our age. Someday we may have to make that decision, but we hope for many more years of independence. Thanks for your thoughts. Blessings
• Canada
23 Sep 07
My Mom is 59 and my Dad is 61 and I sure don't think of them as old but then I never thought of my Grandparents as old either!! Anyhow, My Dad has been contemplating selling the family farm (Where I was married) and I just stand behind him...I tell him that I want him to be happy and then I will be happy. Whatever his decision it is fine with me. Iam an only child so the inheritance will be mine(in the very distant future) and I just want them to be happy! I hope your son understands and respects your decision!! :)
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi heavenschild, Thank you for commenting. I believe my son understands and respects our decision. I am sure he will be there whenever we need him. Blessings.
• China
23 Sep 07
In my opinion, your decision is quite right. As you mentioned, you need your own space.And the offer was good, you can live a good life. If live with your son and his wife there may be cause friction and even rift.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi autumnchen, Thank you for your thoughts on this. I believe we made the right decision, at least for the moment. Blessings.
@beaniegdi (1966)
23 Sep 07
Would it not be possible to move somewhere nearer to your sons or do you prefer where you live now. I can understand your not wanting to live in the same house as with the best will in the world families tend to fall out when they are too close. I know you don't feel old but to your son you are and he obviously cares enough to want to look after you which is really good of him, you must have been a good dad to him when he was younger as well as now for him to ask you this. In England there is a guy called Buster who is 100 years old and he still works, he says that being independant and working stops you getting old like some of the old guys he sees around - they must all be younger than him as well. You could have lots of good years in you yet so hopefully you won't have to make this kind of decision for a long time. My dad was shovelling snow and cutting grass, going for walks, shopping etc until he was 81 and became ill, he was in hospital for a month and then passed away but he never needed looking after or anything until right at the end.
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi beaniegdi, Thank you very much for responding. I appreciate your thoughts on this. I hope to stay where I am for a while yet. we feel good that he would like us with him, and we told him so. Maybe someday, it will be the right thing to do, but at the moment we still feel young. Blessings.
@crazed_moma (1054)
• United States
23 Sep 07
I think you made the right choice. It was very sweet of him to offer but I could see living in such close quarters being a bad thing. I'm no where near considering that sort of thing but should my mom or dad not be able to live on their own any more I would rather they live with me.... A little off topic, I read an article in the paper the other day about how U.S. seniors are going to Mexico to live in facilities down there because they get better care at a cheaper prices. I think if it were me that's what I'd do.
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
24 Sep 07
Hi crazed_moma, Thanks for the advice, but I think we made the right choice, at least for the moment. Blessings.
• India
8 Oct 07
According to me, you made a wonderfully correct decision and I laud your bravery for this. It really requires loads of guts and self-belief to deny help in old age. You may not consider yourself old but biological calculations say that you both are, yet the very fact that you unabashedly mention your age and that of your spouse, proves that you have won your mental balance against old age…the physical battle is of course secondary. The reasons you have mentioned for declining the offer are all very true and practical so I wont go into these. On the other hand, it will also relieve your son of some of this conscience pangs as he will have the reassuring thought that as a son, he definitely did not lack in his sense of responsibility. Its an ideal situation for the entire family and if you are comfortable where you are, there is no reason at all why you should shift your residence and your lives on someone else’s shoulder. Considering my old age, I would choose similarly. If I am left alone, I would try to find an old-age home where you are not exactly sharing rooms with four others yet you have people around to take care of you. It would be expensive, but I think I will manage…but I would hate to move in with my son and his family.