My sister

United States
September 24, 2007 3:11pm CST
I am usually a very tolerant person. I try to see the good in everyone. I know that God loves us all, expects us to love each other. My sister's husband is loud, rude and obnoxious. He is very disrepectful to my grandmother, which makes me see red. They are coming this week for a visit. I want to see my sister, but I know that he won't allow us one minute out of his sight. He controls her every move, I guess he's afraid if I have a chance to talk to her, I'll convince her to leave him. I don't think he's abusing her physically, but I know he is verbally. I want to put a muzzle on him and lock him in a closet so that Dorothy and I can visit without his interfering and interrupting our conversations with his stupid stories. Any advice?
10 people like this
17 responses
@ssf12ster (489)
• India
25 Sep 07
all need to talk to all and settle scores also if any to end the MATTER.FILE-CLOSE
3 people like this
• United States
25 Sep 07
This man is impossible. We've tried to do that. He upsets our grandmother to the point that we're about to the end where we're going to tell sis...you can come but he stays home. I know that's an ultimatum, but it appears to be necessary. He doesn't get the point.
1 person likes this
• India
27 Sep 07
then ask him to leave the place. he has no where to go then u need plenty of advice from a counsellor here.tell him that
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Sep 07
We gave him choices, go to a hotel, go home. Grandma can't handle you being here. Her health is bad and you are upsetting her. He said "we're moving in to take care of her." My husband said no, you're not. She doesn't want you here. They have gone home to pack. If they come back, we are calling the police and having a restraining order put out on him.
• India
25 Sep 07
Some inexplicable areas: Why do you need to convince Dorothy to leave him? If she is happy with this bully, its her choice. No point in anybody’s butting in, no matter how close that person is. Even if she is not happy, its her call to make, not yours. You never know, someday you maybe accused of being unnecessarily intrusive and just because there is the threat of his wife being brainwashed, I think he looks over her every move all the more. If a week is more than you can tolerate, why cant you cut it short, or better still, leave them and your grandma to fight it out and you take a break! But seriously, why do you think he is intolerable? Some people are grumpy by nature and pompous too, but when relatives do drop in for a week, we have to tolerate them. No point in avoiding and worsening the situation further. If Dorothy can indeed be brainwashed into leaving her hubby, there is some problem in her marriage which as a sister you are not being able to assess neutrally. Maybe this is making your brother-in-law more grumpy towards all of you as a family. Lastly, don’t you and Dorothy connect otherwise, I mean thru the phone, net or whatever. If indeed she needs to take a second look at her marriage and as a sister you want to help her out, I believe you can always stay in touch without being physically so. Don’t tell me he keeps a tab on the phone & net too! And lastly, do not let your prejudices influence you sister is such a vital aspect of her life.
3 people like this
• United States
25 Sep 07
Let me tell you what happened when they arrived. Grandma has a small chihuahua. They have two pitbulls. She asked them not to bring their dogs. They agreed. Last night. They showed up with the dogs, promising to take them to the kennel. Brought them in the house, even though they know Grandma is scared of them, and they are so big they knock her down. This morning, there is no talk of taking them anywhere...even outside. Both peed in the house last night.
1 person likes this
• India
26 Sep 07
So finally the orgre has arrived with his entourage! Well this is certainly unforgivable. Whatever sympathy I had for him (as was apparent in my earlier mail) is gone right this moment. There's no way you keep two big pitbulls in the vicinity of an elderly lady and to actually allow them to pee in the house is unacceptable by any relation standards. I think its time to shed the garb of civility and for the sake of sanity of an elderly woman, at least, some straight talk is due. But do it in front of everybody so that all are aware of the context of your conversation. Your sis should be mature enough to understand. Its her grandma too! Even if she does feel intimidated to stand up to the bully, she can at least refuse to come in the future. It will definitely be sad for the entire family, but at least you will have clarified the do's & don'ts (high time for that) and as I said there are other options for two sisters to stay connected.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Sep 07
They lasted 3 days before the family finally had enough. He managed in less than that time to make everyone mad, including my aunt the nun is probably the most patient person I know on this earth. She was ready to string him up. She called me, angry and crying.
@Shaun72 (15968)
• Palatka, Florida
24 Sep 07
That is sad my first and proberly only marriage was this way. i am glad it only lasted a year. He never hit me but he was verbaly abusive and could not handle thing when I got sick or had to go to the hospitail. So he cheated on me our marriage didn't really even last a year. It took 2 years for me to get up enough money to divorce him. I hope your sister doesn't take to much mental abuse.
• United States
25 Sep 07
The sad thing is...he says they're married, she told grandma last night they weren't...just living together. He's a gold digger is what he is. He was asking me last night if I knew how much money Grandma was going to leave to Dorothy, and if I thought they would get her house!
@Shaun72 (15968)
• Palatka, Florida
25 Sep 07
I agree that is very say. It really sounds like he is taking advantage of her. I hope and pray she realizes that before it is to late. I can't belive he asked that. That sounds so selfish.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Sep 07
My brother and sister in law went over there tonight to check in on Grandma. I was up with her all night because she was hurting and couldn't sleep. I'm exhausted to say the least. If I don't have to go bail Stephen out of jail, he said they were going to run them off and make them go home.
@eftychiap (349)
• Cyprus
25 Sep 07
Maybe if you talk to him about this, or better talk to both of them. If he realizes that his control over your sister could be damaging to their relationship, and moreover your relationship with your sister, he might consider to change. If a man feels threatened that his wife is not happy and might leave him for his attitute, then he would definitely take some action. It is for your and your sister's benefit if you just go talk to him straight and forward!
• United States
25 Sep 07
I am not sure after the conversation that he and I had this morning, as he was drinking Bailey's Irish Creme with his coffee at 6 a.m. that he has enough intellegence to understand. he just doesn't seem to get what any of us are saying to him.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (48133)
• United States
24 Sep 07
Could your husband engage him in something that would require him to be away from the house? Is there something he likes to do that your husband could turn into a couple hours of free time for you and your sister? That situation your sister has going on sounds very scary.
• United States
25 Sep 07
He calls Mike "that old Preacher man" which infuriates me, because he does it in a very derogatory manner. I am so upset after being around him for less than 12 hours, that I'm shaking and sick at my stomach. He has taken to calling my sister "His heifer."
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (48133)
• United States
25 Sep 07
I think he would push me to the point where I'd tackle my sister and tell my husband to hurry up and kick him out and lock the door. Once locked out I'd go into the long witheld speech I had for my sister. But that's just not reality.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Sep 07
Unfortunately no. I'd like to hog tie her, and hide her out until he drifted away. Unfortunately, she drove him here, and if she leaves, he would have to stay, then I'd no longer be able to talk to you on mylot, because I'd be in prison for murder. Although...it might be justifiable homicide...hmmmm lol
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60762)
• United States
24 Sep 07
Find him something "guy" to do? Find some guys to do it with him? Tell him its girl talk & ignore him? go to a salon to have your nails done?
2 people like this
• United States
25 Sep 07
The man doesn't drive. He has alienated every male member of our family with his trashy-filthy mouth. Every other word is a curse word. None of the rest are saints, but they don't have a sailor's mouth either. Even my marine corp uncle is appalled at the way he talks.
@ElicBxn (60762)
• United States
25 Sep 07
Well, then drive off to a salon without him. What a loser that he doesn't drive, I assume he's not blind or anything.
1 person likes this
@hassanah (387)
• Malaysia
25 Sep 07
I think u should call the police and make police's report for his rude action that dont give you see her.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Sep 07
If he threatens my grandmother like he did this morning one more time, he's going to find himself in jail. She is scared of him, and I suspect my sister is as well. I wish I could get her away from him. I can't make her decisions for her though.
1 person likes this
@Melody1 (968)
• India
25 Sep 07
Perhaps you should exactly do that.LoL.I know its not easy.Many people fail to understand that their spouse have their own life and relationships,even as close as a sibling's.It's a sad situation.Still,communication can open locked doors and you should give it a try.He has to understand that you were an integral part of your sis' life even before he came.I can only wish you good luck!
• China
25 Sep 07
That's so sad a matter. There are many persons like him in the society, and actually we can do nothing to them. Their behaviours are influeced by their culture, morality and the education they have received. What I can advise you to do is to speak out you opinion of him straightway, to make him understood that he is doing wrong. I don't think he will also be rude to you if you do that since you are his sister-in-law. Anyhow, try to let him know what you feel. It will only become worse and worse if you do nothing.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11922)
• United States
24 Sep 07
Try tactfully saying that to him and see if he understands. He might surprise you. Yous sister should hear the way you feel about it when you say it to him. She might not know you feel this way and might do some things herself to be able to spend time with you.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Sep 07
Oh she knows. We've all told her. This is not just me. Nobody in our family likes him. He's made every single person over the age of 12 mad at one time or another. He says whatever he wants, most of it untrue, demeaning and alot of times just plain gross.
@Dee351972 (743)
25 Sep 07
hi. i think yo really need to try to talk to u sister alone. She shouldnt have to live like that have you ever asked h im why she cant be alone?
• United States
25 Sep 07
"She gets into trouble when the two of you are together." In other words, she is not at his beck and call. I'm serious you guys, this man is a pyschopath. I believe that with all my heart, and I'm scared for her. Also for Grandma while they are in her house.
1 person likes this
5 Oct 07
Well if she is in danger she needs to get out of there. there are ways of doingthat. but she has got to want to get out and know it is better for her. So i hope it all works or for u and her
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 08
She won't leave him. We've tried for 3 years to convince her that she's in danger. Everytime I see her there is a little more light gone from her eyes. I don't understand it because my hubby is so far from that. He's kind and gentle and loves me with all his heart.
@Drakhan (241)
• United States
1 Oct 07
Have you tried taking your sister off to do girl stuff? Maybe shopping or cooking. (Yeah, I know that sounds old fashioned and stereotypical, but if you take her some place that only girls hang out, he probably won't tag along. Maybe a spa day or something like that.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Oct 07
Yes he would tag along. I took her into the bathroom the other day and shut the door. The man stood outside with his head against the door...screaming what are you two talking about. Let me me in. I told him I was on the pot. I was trying to gross him out and make him go away. The idiot asked to watch. At that point I thought my husband was going to deck him.
• United States
24 Jan 08
Yea...you're not telling me anything new. I just cry when I think about my sister with that creep. Thank God there are no kids and I'm extremely thankful that my Dad is not alive to see him treating her this way. I'd be bailing him out of jail.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
1 Oct 07
I do not know what to advice. You have to get your sister away from him for a time to find out what really is going on. Do you have someone there, just as bossy and obnoxious that will not let him get at you? Because if you try to separate your sister from him, the bum might get very belligerent and threaten you. If telling him that you have to talk to your sister because of some feminine problem, that no man should hear, does not help, you might need someone else to tell him what for. Do you have a friend, or a male acquaintance who is a policeman or know someone who you can tell that you suspect that your sister is being mentally abused? She might also be being physically abused, but her husband is too smart to let the marks show.l
• United States
1 Oct 07
That is what I am most afraid of. Because she seems just terrified of him for some reason. Nothing I can really put my finger on, just a feeling we all get when we are around them. We have thought seriously about getting a restraining order for Grandma.
@izathewzia (5142)
• Philippines
27 Sep 07
I,too have disputes with some of my in-laws. But I can't do anything about it. because thety are- even we don't want to- are already part of our family. If you can n ot have a good talk with them, better be civil. And tell your sister whatyou hate in her husband and if she can spend more time with you alone. Be honest with your feelings. Don't hide it, for it might cause you troubles later on. Let the people concern how you feel and why. And be open for any agrrement so everything will turn out okay or smooth.
• United States
29 Sep 07
I honestly believe after this week, that hte only smooth agreement, doesn't include him at all. The man doesn't understand that Grandma doesn't like him. We all tried so hard to make it work because Grandma wanted to spend time with Dorothy. We finally had to ask them to leave because she was so upset. Her health can't take that.
• United States
26 Sep 07
It breaks my heart to hear there are men like this! It also breaks my heart to know there are women out there that don't have enough self worth to walk away. If your brother-in-law doesn't allow you & your sister time alone, know that your honesty about their situation and standin up to him (by helping your grandma to bed) is showing your sister support in more ways than you may realize.
• United States
29 Sep 07
I don't understand it either. My sister wasn't raised in a violent home. She was loved and nurtured and told that she could be anything she wanted to be. She was smart, and beautiful growing up. Now, she's overweight, never smiles, and looks at the floor when she talks.
• Philippines
25 Sep 07
I am so sorry to hear that. There are so many rude people here on earth. You have a problem with your brother in law? I also have problem with my brother in law. He talks so bad and treats us as if he is the God. He would scold you and would not allow you to talk. I hate him also. I just wish he will not visit my house again.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Sep 07
This man will tell my grandmother what time she can and can't go to bed in her own house! last night, she was tired and not well. He said Sit down and visit with me. I just got here. She said no. I've been in the hospital and I need to go to bed. He got this real threatening look on his face and said "I said to sit down and visit with me." I told him to stick it up his butt and helped her to bed.
• Canada
24 Sep 07
If I were in your position I'd get real brave (or just do what I do anyway!!) and TELL HIM that you would like some time with your sister, that as well as a life together they still have their individual lives. He sounds like the kind of guy who goes out with the boys a lot. Invite your sister for a "girls lunch" After all she was your sister long before she was his wife.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Sep 07
Actually he doesn't go anywhere. He has no job. He doesn't drive (never learned how) He just sits and expects other people to wait on him. It's really quite irritating. last night, he sat on the couch and hollered into the kitchen asking her to bring him a drink.