Remembering My Beloved Father

@gr8life (6253)
Malaysia
September 25, 2007 10:41am CST
In two weeks time, it will be the 9th anniversary after my father left us. He passed away on Oct 7, 1998. But till now, I still remember him clearly : his face, his laugh, his jokes, his bad tempered mood when we made a mistake and almost everything about him. I love him so much. He was a good father to me and my siblings. I still miss him a lot. He was fierce, firm but a very responsible husband and father. He took care of us and for him, his life means his wife and children. His big family. He always tried hard to give us a comfortable life. After he retired from the government service, he helped my mother at home ; doing everything that he could to help ease her burden. He was a strong man before he got the first stroke. He fell down in the bathroom and was temporary paralysed for a few months. That time I was just graduated and just got my first job. I quited my job to take care of him for a month. I prepared his meals, helped him to clean himself, wiped his body, clipped his nails and combed his hair. He was so happy to have me and my mother at home. The rest of my siblings live on their own in the city, married and all of them were working that time. When I had to go back to the city, he told my mother," My good nurse is leaving me..." and my mother told me about it right before I left. I cried and how I wished that I could stay longer and take care of him. As he was a strong-willed man, he managed to walk again not long after that. So we had a small feast to celebrate it. All of us went back to my hometown to be with our parents. My father was not really well that time but he tried hard to make us felt relief to see him recovered quite fast. He didn't want us to worry about him. But he acted weirdly that time. We just didn't notice his strange behaviors. He asked my mother to prepare different kind of drinks to serve the guests who came to our house to visit him. Before that, he stood right in front of the door and stared sadly outside. He told my mother no one is going to visit him as he had not been able to join the community due to his sickness. When we wanted to go back to the city a day after, he told us that he was too sick to see us going and couldn't stand too long as his back ache so much. When I kissed him, he whispered to me, " My girl, drive carefully, take care and good bye!" My heart bet faster but I just ignored the uneasy feelings I had that time. I kissed him one more time before I left. A day after, while busy working, my mother kept calling my cell phone ; asking me to go back as my father got sick again. I told her I will try to get a leave and went home as soon as I finished my office hour. My mother is quite an emotional person. Whenever my father gets sick, she will start to call all the children and asks us to come back. Thinking that it might be another 'false alarm' from my mother, we decided to wait for the latest news from her. I just got another job and still under probation that time. I couldn't take leave as often as I wish. But that evening after receiving a call from my mother, I felt something was really bad. I put down the phone, sat on the sofa, unabled to say a word. Suddenly I just cried. I told my eldest sister that we were not going to make it and I didn't think that I would see my father again! It took us three hours to reach our hometown where my parents live. In the middle of the journey, while driving home, it started to rain heavily. A tree fell down and almost hit my brother who was riding a motor bike. We stopped for awhile to help him and lucky that nothing bad happened to all of us. But I was wondering as I didn't receive any phone calls from my mother. When we reached our house at one in the morning, I saw many people at my house. I was shivering and tried not to cry but when I saw my mother crying and hugging my brother, I knew that time that I was late. My father had left us. I saw him lying down, motionless. I looked at his pale face and touched his body. I hugged him and I didn't realize what happened next. It was very hard for me to accept the fact that my beloved father was no longer there for me. After his death, I kept to myself. I became quiet and always locked myself in my room. Whenever people asked about him, I could only cry. Sometimes at night, I wrote a letter to him, telling him of my day, how much I missed him and how sorry I was for not being there when he needed me for the last time. And as always, I will cry till I fall asleep when I didn't know what to do with the letter. One night, I dreamed of him, wearing all white clothes, looking sad at me but he didn't say a word. My heart was telling me that he didn't like the way I behaved after his death. From that day, I tried to start all over again, be my happy self again and try to overcome my sadness. I tried to accept his death and the fact that I won't be able to see him anymore. It took me almost six months to recover... Time passes very fast. I feel like he is still alive though it has been nine years I live my life without him. I miss him so much!
2 people like this
5 responses
@whywiki (6070)
• Canada
25 Sep 07
Your story truly touched my soul and the tears fell for your loss. I think you had a great man for a father. I lost my mom 12 years ago and it still hurts. When I feel the sun on my shoulders I feel the touch of my mom. I think the loss of a parent is the hardest thing we have to endure.
@gr8life (6253)
• Malaysia
26 Sep 07
Hello whywiki, I still cry till now whenever I think of him. When I wrote the discussion, I was crying. Even when I read the responses here, I cry. He was such a good father. I don't think I will forget him for the rest of my life. If only he is still here, my life will be different. He will always be there for me ... his most beloved daughter!
• Hong Kong
26 Sep 07
I am sorry to hear your story! That reminds me of how much I love my dad too! Before he got the stroke, I was still running wild and free and didn't care about anyone that much. It's like I kind of take it for granted that he would always be there. But after that, I know that he won't always be there and there would be a time for him to leave us. I treasure so much the time with him now and it does make me feel uncomfortable to see him aging every day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking what if the phone rings now, what if I never see him again? I am sure I would have some really hard time!
@gr8life (6253)
• Malaysia
26 Sep 07
Hello wondericequeen, If only you know my father... He was a great man and a doting father. I was his beloved little girl. He pampered me a lot. In the family, it was only me who never get scolded by him. The rest, had experienced a 'good lesson' from him. He was very strict to us. I remember one time when a secret admirer called me at home. I didn't like him and so I passed the call to my father. He didn't scold the boy but you know what he said? "You better get to know me first before you fall in love head over heels with my daughter! Later, when you two want to go for a date, I can send her right in front of your doorstep! What do you think, boy?" I was standing beside him that time. I laughed aloud till my tears came down. I have so many good memories of him and there is nothing bad to say about my late father!
1 person likes this
• Hong Kong
29 Sep 07
I am sure he is a great man! I feel the same towards my dad, nothing bad about him! He is my idol, inspiration and encouragement *smiles*. I am sure my future husband would feel the pressure *laughs*!
@scribe1 (1207)
• United States
29 Sep 07
I hear you. I lost my dad in July 2006 to lung cancer. And I miss him. I talk to him every day and tell him so. I can also tell you that your father was trying to tell you that he was fine on the Other Side in your dream. I also dreamt about my dad. In it, he handed me a flat envelope packet whose wrapping paper was covered with smiley-faces. He used to collect smiley-face stuff when he was alive. Anyway, that dream was a sign that he was happy, well and very much alive! So is your dad. Hugs to you and yours.
1 person likes this
@gr8life (6253)
• Malaysia
26 Oct 07
Hello scribe1, It is very hard when you have to experience or witness the lost of your loved ones. I took me at least six months to realize and accept the fact that my beloved dad and brother had gone. I know by now that they are happy over there and I have to go on with my life.
@kitty1234 (1476)
• United States
26 Sep 07
Your touching story brought tears to my eyes, thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I also lost my Dad and I miss him very much! Your father is alive in your heart, your spirit and the way you live. I can see from your post that you are a wonderful and gentle soul1 Hugs to you!
@gr8life (6253)
• Malaysia
26 Sep 07
Hello kitty1234, Thanks for the nice words. I do miss him till now. Every time I think of him, my tears will fall down. Even though it has been 9 years, I feel that he is still alive. I just hope he still can guide me in my life. I am 35 now, but I always think that I am their little baby that still needs their guidance and love for the whole of my life! My great father had gone but the memories that I have of him, will always be there with me...
@musicman6 (2369)
• United States
26 Sep 07
Well I hope I will be able to sustain my life, when its time for my parents to leave! Right now they are 78 & 85 and my sister and I both take turns taking care of them,(no nursing home), and may God give us strength until these rough waters are over!
1 person likes this
@gr8life (6253)
• Malaysia
26 Sep 07
Hello musicman6, When I was a small kid, I kept thinking on how to deal with it when the time comes. I always tell myself sooner or later, they have to go and I need to accept the fact. But, I always end up crying when I think of it. My mother is a good woman and my father was just a great man. I want to see them, be with them for the rest of my life even if I know it sounds impossible. No matter how big I am, I still feel that I am just their little kid who needs their guidance in my life.