I'm confused and need to vent!

Canada
October 1, 2007 12:43pm CST
As some of you may know my husband has a son from his previous marriage...I have developed a friendship with my step sons Mom so that we can keep contact and be there for my step son...As some of you may know this weekend coming up is Canada's Thanksgiving weekend... Talking to my husbands ex wife she has asked over and over if we are coming to my mother n laws for Thanksgiving saying that her parents are going to be out of town and telling us that we may beable to take my step son for the weekend.. I called her yesterday as she was not home when we called the night before to confirm with her that yes we are in fact coming to my mother n laws for Thankgiving and could we please have my step son for the weekend. She says I will have to talk to him and ask if he would like to come... WHAT A JOKE!!!!I start talking to my step son and he is all excited and yes he really would like to come and says hang on let me tell me Mom...THE WHOLE TIME I heard him talking to her she says what about your Grandma and Grandpa...Her Grandparents his Great Grandparents are apparently going for Thanksgiving to their place and talks him into staying...Now they live in the same area not far from the Grandparents and can see them ANYTIME...So no we only get him for a night... What I'm confused about is she complains to a mutal friend that we don't call enough we don't see him enough and then when we do she slaps us down and won't let us see him...How can we deal with this? I've told my husband we are not putting up with this we are setting dates and taking him she can not keep us away.
9 people like this
15 responses
@lilybug (21182)
• United States
1 Oct 07
She sounds like she has issues. Why would she even bring it up if she was just going to try to talk him out of it? Sounds pretty strange to me. I agree with you. You should set dates that you are going to have him, and stick to it. Good luck!
2 people like this
• Canada
1 Oct 07
Thanks for the good luck and she is a vandictive person she says one thing and does another or talks about someone and won't even admit to even had done so it's a big mess but I'm really trying lol...
@pkosher (71)
• United States
1 Oct 07
What is the custody arragement? Sometimes that will set up when you can see him through the court and there will be nothing she can do about it. If the court says you get him every other weekend then she can't keep him from coming those dates.
1 person likes this
• Canada
1 Oct 07
Well she has so custody but my husband is allowed vistation but there is no real set visitation with the son and honestly I think we should go back to court and get that changed
• United States
1 Oct 07
If your husband feels the way you do, then going to court could be a good thing even though it will bring some problems out at first. I think it's wrong to keep a child from seeing his/her parents even though joint custody seems to be a headache for parents.
1 person likes this
• Canada
2 Oct 07
Yes I agree...I do hope that it doesn't come down to that we have to go to court but if it does then so be it because I feel as you children have a right to be with each of their parents and know them...
• United States
1 Oct 07
you will not get her to change..just be there for the child and don't make it a tug of war over when he sees who and where..you know that you are dealing with an immature person..so don't let her make you look desperate..just realize wheere she is coming from and plan on this happening...until the child is old enough to be on his own you will have to deal with his mother..and you can do it the hard way or the easy way..you will have to take the higher ground for the sake of the boy..it is not fair..but who says life is fair? just be flexible..
• Canada
1 Oct 07
I agree with you totally on that...And that is why when it comes right down to her and I talking on the phone I just grit my teeth and bite my tougue as I don't want to show my step son and hard feelings towards his Mom and I'm doing the best I can...I manage to put up talking with her and being on a friendship level with her...I don't ever say anything bad to my step son about his Mother but what breaks my heart is when it comes time to take him home back to His Mom he doesn't want to go and doesn't want to leave us it's really hard.
• United States
1 Oct 07
In two words: Court Order. Even when parents divorce amicably with regards to kids, visits, child support, etc it's best to either draw up your own order and have the Court rubberstamp it, or allow the court to order visits and make sure that the order covers holidays and special occasions. That way if someone doesn't follow thru there's legal ramifications.
1 person likes this
• Canada
1 Oct 07
Yes I totally agree...I have talked to my husband over this but with his job working overtime right now the courthouse is closed when he gets off work but Your right I think that I'm going to phone them myself and arrange something.
@gmakesmoney (2923)
• United States
1 Oct 07
Does she still have a thing for your husband? It sounds like she's playing the typical cat and mouse game with her child and your husband. I would take her to court and get legal visitation rights to keep things clear. Maybe just a meeting with a lawyer is enough for her to get the picture that you're a team and you're not going to play with her over this child. Some people never mature and don't realize that you've got to be a mom first and a woman second.
1 person likes this
• Canada
1 Oct 07
Thanks for the advice and yes that is definatly something to consider in taking it to court...Also I wonder that sometimes myself if she still has a thing for my husband, she is remarried herself and claims to be happy with him but when we talk she brings up past events of her marriage with my husband and I think ummm if you truly have no feelings for my husband then why are you bringing these things up? I admit my husband has been laxed sometimes in contact but it seems whenever he tries to do what is right for his son she makes it difficult just to slam the door in his face...He loves his son but when she acts oh I have np with you or his father she says to me but yet when it comes right down to it and we give her a weeks notice to seeing him she slams the door shut in our faces...
@Pose123 (21671)
• Canada
1 Oct 07
Hi BlueAngel, This does sound like a problem. I think you are right about setting dates, and she can't keep him away. I wonder what this is doing to your stepson? It's always the children I think about. Blessings.
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
1 Oct 07
I am not sure if this woman is playing games or is a bad parent, but either way you still have to deal with her,I didn't see how old the child is , because that will make a difference if he is allowed to make his own decisions. but what you might do is write he a letter or phone her and say we are free on such and such dates, we will be delighted to have the child, please let me know with in 24 hours because we have back up plans if the child will not be joining us. I know it sounds a bit cold, but you are entitled to spend time with his son and his ex should be co operative or it will be a very messy time. it is after all about his son not people playing games and getting even
• Canada
1 Oct 07
Yes I totally agree she makes mountains out of mole hills there is a long history here..I forgot to mention my step sons age he is 7...I agree with you that I may have to be harsh and my husband too or we aren't going to get anywhere with her.
• Canada
2 Oct 07
Hi Hun, I have known you and your hubby for years, and I know the person you speak of (your hubbys ex wife). I am not going to point fingers as I feel both your hubby and her have played their own part in this. The bottom line however is that you all need to sit down and talk about this. It's time for your hubby and her to be adults about it and come to some kind of compromise for the sake of your step son. He is a great kid and I know he loves his daddy and wants to see him, but your hubby has to do his part too! Hope you don't get mad at me for this. I'll talk to you more about it later and explain further if you want. Love & Hugzz, Your Friend, PurpleTeddyBear
• Canada
2 Oct 07
Hi hun no I'm not mad and understand what you are saying I just see now why the pattern has played out too and for that He has to put his foot down and stop running from it when she makes it difficult he needs to tell her bascially how it is going to be ...And yes I think we all need to sit down and talk about it cuz she has brought her husband into the mix as well. Enough is Enough My hubby has been doing pretty good but from the example I saw I see now why he has been that way...But at the same time he shouldn't cuz he should fight hard for his rights.
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 Oct 07
I am SOOOOO glad that your not mad at me for that. I just think that they have both played their parts and their is no innocent one in this. I really hope that for the sake of your step-son the 4 adults (you, your hubby, her, and her hubby) can all get along. If not get along then atleast get it so that you can compromise on good times to call, see him, etc. Love & Hugzz, Your Friend, PurpleTeddyBear
• Canada
6 Oct 07
I agree with you totally hun cuz this has gone on long enough not just on my husbands part but on hers as well and I hope the talk happens soon...My husband finally agrees with me about having someone of friendship and communication with his ex to show his son no hard feelings between us all.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Oct 07
This is always a hard situation to go through, but mostly the real effects of what is going on is mostly or entirely felt by the child. I have never gone through this personally and I hope I never have to, but have been there for a friend who was nearly going through the exact same situation as you. Her husband had a child in a previous marriage, and the mother being a total *bleep* by getting the child all excited about going to see her father, than telling the child that no you can't do that he doesn't love you like I do. My friend's husband would have to go get his daughter to ever see her, and when he would go the mother would be all over him and trying her hardest to break up my friend's and her husband's marriage. Finally she got fed up with this woman, took the whole mess to court and ended up getting set dates for when the child could come to be with her husband and herself. These dates including which holidays they would have with the child, and if at anytime the court order was breached by the mother, she would lose all custody rights. Yes, that is a bit harsh, but it is entirely clear that in both situations the mother is not thinking about the child, only her own benefits, not only is she playing games with you and your husband, but she is always playing head games with only a 7 year old boy. Sometimes life can be harsh, but being harsh may be the only way to wake this woman up to the reality that her child isn't some sort of pawn she can be using against your husband. I hope you and your husband can get this matter resolved soon, and mostly I hope that this woman learns to grow the hell up and stop her games.
• Canada
1 Oct 07
Hugzzzzzzzzzz hun and thanks for your response and I totally agree with and I truly hope that she does grow up and We are definatly going to do that because I've had enough no wonder for along time there he was backing off and not contacting or going to see him now I know first hand is because she is playing these games with him and putting my step son in the middle who does not deserve this...I also know that she talked with her husband over him even coming to see us for one night and he bleeps in the back ground and says as long as he is back on Sunday ummm like hello I know you are his Step Dad but you guys are not making this very easy to have everything out in the open and do what is right and benefical to my step son he is my husbands son not her husbands and I am starting to see that is what she wants to completly push my husband out of his sons life so that she can try to get his rights terminated so that he can adopt her husbands and her last name.
• United States
1 Oct 07
*Big hugs back* See that is what upsets me the most with some parents, they never ask what the child wants, and in most cases the ones that do, don't really listen to their child. And it really makes me mad that she is trying to force your step-son into a situation which totally singles out his real and only father. These games she is playing now, will eventually have a negative effect on the child, unless someone takes action into preventing the games from continuing. Which I see you are going to do. Kudos to you and I hope it works out as planned. At least I am hoping with action being taken the games will stop, but well some people it takes a lot before they wake up.
• Canada
1 Oct 07
Exacty hun and well said...I've called my mother and law today to tell her that his Mom is up to her old tricks again and My mother n law is also fed up with what is going on and she knows that I will not stand for it I will not have my husband loose his son and I understand now why my husband has backed off he doesn't really do well in the face of confrontation as We noticed with the car thing lol...So I don't mind I'm an outspoken person therefore won't let it happen.
• Canada
2 Oct 07
Anytime I have seen this it ended up in court. The father asks for specific days that way she has no choice and if she refuses after a court order is in place she can get in real trouble. I hope you guys get this all worked out hun Hugs
• Canada
2 Oct 07
Hugzzzzzzzz hun I hope so too...I would like to see it pan out where we don't have to go to court over all of this but if it has to happen it has to happen she can't keep playing her mind games and using my step son against his Dad like that...And she wonders why he goes sometimes a very long time without contacting him when she is turning him against him and keeping them apart.
• Canada
3 Oct 07
Yea very true butttttt you need to tell your hubby to call more because if he doesn't his son is going to think he is everything the mother is telling him. you know? Some women just don't wanna let go and they think the baby is the key to keeping the man and when the man decides to be happy the woman does everything to make the child hate the man and I don't agree with thi but it does happen.
• Canada
6 Oct 07
Yes I totally agree with you on that and I have told my husband look be the better person here even with her mind games your son will see what it truly going on soon enough do you want it to be you that your son resents because you didn't call??? I think he finally sees the whole picture and I do make sure nothing it wrongly said about my steps sons mom when he is in our presence either he is dealing enough with having a step mom and step dad the last thing I believe he needs is more drama thanks for your response hugzzz hun.
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
7 Oct 07
First of all Sweetie I have been away that is why this is so late But yes you need to be firmer now as that is not correct I hope that you did get him for the Weekend There was no need for that at the end of the Day the Child should be aloud to decide Hugs to you
• Canada
9 Oct 07
We did get him Saturday night Sweets and the hardest part was taking him back home his mood completly changes he gets so quiet and depressed and doesn't want to go back to his Mom...And another part I found out over the Saturday we had him ticked me off beyond all belief I was told to ask him if he likes hockey and would like to come out sometime and I would take him to a WHL game one of our home games if they played on a Saturday night...So I asked him how he would feel about coming with me he says...I would like that but I can't I'm not ALLOWED to come to yours and daddys place....GRRRRRRRRRR that made me so mad so all I did in the presence of him my mother and law son and hubby is said we will see about that.
@mummymo (23709)
3 Oct 07
I know it is really different from what you want and what I would do but sometimes there are lots of different feelings and emotions rumbling around in a person when they are faced with handing their child over to their ex-partner and his new spouse - espescially if the ex hasn't always been totally trustworthy in the past! I know it is extremely frustrating and upsetting for you Sweety but try and stay patient and keep the situation as calm as possible! You have worked hard to get you husband building the relationship with his son - you should be very proud of yourself! xxx
• Canada
6 Oct 07
hugzzzzzzz hun and thank you for that...It means alot that you would say that and your right I have worked hard to get his relationship built back up with his son...I won't say anything I will regret to the ex but I won't back down either when it comes to seeing him...I bit my tougue about being really rude that day on the phone with her and was pretty proud of myself for holding my cool hugzzzzzz.
@barehugs (8992)
• Canada
2 Oct 07
So how old is your stepson? if he's 3 his mom should not let him go too often. Hes still a young baby. but if hes 12 he should be allowed to make up his own mind. I'd like to know his age?
• Canada
2 Oct 07
He's 7 and I understand about the young age thing But I also believe that no matter the childs age they have a right to get to know both parents. She left my husband after their son turned a year and he saw him often...But now since she has remarried and even before she plays mind games with my husband.
@wisedragon (2331)
• Philippines
2 Oct 07
She's not being fair. The father has equal right to spend time with his son. She doesn't care about the son's happiness. She only cares about her own agenda. I hate manipulative people like that.
• Canada
2 Oct 07
Yes exactly straight to the nail on the head there that is exactly how she is...But also I love how she says oh I want him to know you and his dad and brother and sister but when it comes right down to it she changes her tune...She is so confusing..
@vanities (11351)
• Davao, Philippines
2 Oct 07
Its nice of you to love the son of your husband from other woman, its great really.. but however it was not welcome or not been reciprocated by the mother i guess..but anyway keep it up..regarding the attitude of your husband ex..i cant really give some opinion on that matter coz i dont know what shes thinking about it..all i can say is continue doing so and try it harder i guess dont mind on any complaint that youve heared from a mutual friend ..just make her understand your good intention..
• Canada
2 Oct 07
Yes...The way I look at it is I have his first born son she was a child hood friend of mine he made a mistake and married her and after she left him he realized his feelings a couple years after that for me and our son together...But also they had one beautiful thing come out of that marriage and that is my step son...I look at it as no child asks to be born therefore no matter who the bialogical parent is that child deserves love from all around...I was angry along time about them being together but I'm trying to be the better person and love My step son as if he were my own...I have his older brother and younger sister and he is just as much apart of this family as my kids. That is my view on the situation smiles.