What do I do?
By asgtswife04
@asgtswife04 (2475)
United States
October 18, 2007 11:34am CST
What do I do if I think that my husband is talking to other people on the internet? By other people, I do mean girls. He never gets on the internet unless to talk to me, which has only been twice and I saw where he was online at 2:21 this morning my time. What do i do about this and how do I confront him about this? He had used his webcam as well, but it wasn't with me. I need help on this....i am ready to give up on him at this point
7 people like this
16 responses
@quanto50 (140)
• Sweden
19 Oct 07
Normal reaction .. the first thing you gotta may be just walk up to him and ask about what he is busy with these days..of course if you doubt his loyalty to you.. but just remember that Men.. they just sometimes talk to different girls and quench their bodily desires not just because they don't love their wives,.. it is kinda nature of the Male.. for example I will tell it to my future wife that sometimes she'd better understand these kinda things.. because 90% of the married man do this and that is the fact.. because it gets boring with one person again and again..
It may be kinda not so good news but it is kinda nature of Males.. there is still no cure for this... if you love him just love.. ignore some of his weakness.. and mistakes..
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
19 Oct 07
I do not accept that. if he really loves me then he needs no other woman to look at besides me. that is not a flaw that every man has. there are still some good ones out there that respect their wives and love their wives and want nothing to do with any other woman. i do not accept those mistakes because he has no right to do that to me. we have a daugther together and if he knew he was just gonna cheat on me, he should have never married me. i am a one man woman and will only be a one woman man. if his choice is to be with others while he's away from me, then he will not be with me. men can control their urges believe it or not and i will never just overlook his needs. that is why i am here. and by the way, he is in iraq so if he needs it that bad he can get online with me not someone else. that is what marriage is about. one man, one woman. i stick by that no matter what, and how dare any one say that it is a man thing. bull crap! it's a selfish thing and he needs to stop. i didn't get married to catch some kind of disease because my husband can't control himself while he is gone from me and then expect for me to be with him when he's home. not gonna do. it's not man's nature to be with many women, or it shouldn't be. if you fall in love with someone that someone should be it, not jsut when it's convient for them.sorry to disagree with your comment that you made, but i'm strongly for marriage and commitment. no commitment, no marriage
1 person likes this
@quanto50 (140)
• Sweden
19 Oct 07
Yes I told you that most women don't want it.. but still it is the nature.. it's not me who has designed the Evolutions Working Principles .. it is some kind of different thing.. Of course loyalty is also important but sometimes women also should be aware of it.. you know it but you don't wanna accept it.. are you sure that you wouldn't be with someone one day.. I don't understand this thing.. this jealousy thing.. it doesn not mean that person disrespects you. it is just kind of different and close form of greeting or loving someone for a short period of time :-). But I am telling it openly because I know my nature and the nature of human so why to oppose it :-) why do you think societies which ban it end up with rapes and other stuff. if you will continue to be angry and jealous with your husband you might lose him. but never forget that you can't control them. Secretly or openly all men do it and it's not secret. but it doesn't mean that after bodily desire quenching stuff husbands stop loving their women. No they don't.
1 person likes this
@moira725 (49)
• Philippines
18 Oct 07
based on my own experiences as a wife who's come across cellphone text messages and email messages from another girl, i would suggest that before you talk to your husband, try to calm down first. give him the benefit of the doubt for starters. after all, he may have been on line with a relative. even if this isn't possible, talk to him very calmly. men, in general, when backed into a corner, become very defensive and will either lie their way out of the situation or just simply lash out at you for not trusting them.
anyway, listen to him carefully when he talks, and being his wife, i think you know him best. you'll know and feel if he's telling you the truth or not. whatever the outcome of that conversation will be, then you decide the next step. but take time to think things out. if you're a christian, pray first before you talk to him.:)
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
19 Oct 07
yes, i am definitely a Christian and I've been praying hard all day long that this was just a misunderstanding...but i feel it in my gut that it's not. i am pretty calm now...i didn't answer the phone when he called me cause i knew i was to mad to talk then. i went through this his last deployment and it just about killed me. my heart is just breaking right now and i really don't know what to do about it or how to react to it either at this point and he's supposed to be coming home the 1st of nov. i'll let you guys know how things turn out though. and thank you
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
20 Oct 07
Thanks so much. I have been praying hard about this and got to speak to my husband today and things are fine. he loans his computer out to others that don't have one so that they can call home and speak with their wives. i feel so much better now that we had a long talk. he's come a long way, but it's hard not to go back to the way he used to be when things like this happen. thank you for you prayers and God bless you
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
19 Oct 07
I understand how you feel. It really hurts when your special someone is flirting with someone else on the Internet.
But ask him first. Maybe he was talking to a family member or relative.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
20 Oct 07
yeah i talked with him today and things have been resolved. it was just me being paranoid, as usual. thanks again thoug for your encouragement
@paulsy (1263)
• Philippines
18 Oct 07
First of all, I'd like to ask what you mean by "He never gets on the internet unless to talk to me, which has only been twice", that you only communicate online? If you only communicate online, we can't really assume who he's chatting with. It may be with other relatives, or your common friends who he can also communicate with online, like you. I suggest you ask if he chats with anyone else, and to be honest about it. But I hope you don't give up on him, unless you're really sure that he's being unfaithful to you. You're his wife, surely he loves you, and will be honest to you about this.
1 person likes this
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
19 Oct 07
what i mean by him getting online, is that he doesn't even have the internet hooked up in his room yet and so he has to pay for time on the internet. he didn't even try and get a hold of me or his family. i've already talked to them. i am not sure why he was on there, except i know he had his webcam going. maybe i am just being paranoid, but to be honest we went through this before the last time he was deployed and he admitted to having conversations with other females online. one of which was only 16 and she was telling him that she loved him and to call him when i wouldn't know he was. it's a trust issue and i thought we were past that, but i just don't know now
@DesigningLife (903)
• United States
22 Oct 07
asgtswife04, I'm so happy to read that this was a misunderstanding and has been dealt with. :)
Best wishes to you and your husband. I hope you will be able to be reunited soon.
Ladies...if you want to quickly give your husband or partner a reminder of how NOT to act/speak in order to remain happily involved with you, just send them to read the posts by quanto above ^^^
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
22 Oct 07
Yeah no kidding! That guy was insane in his way of thinking about women. And thanks so much. I'm glad that things worked out for the best to. He will be coming home for 3 weeks in 2 weeks so i'm so excited and cant' wait to see him. Thanks again
@twilight_75 (479)
•
18 Oct 07
Oh this isn't good, and i understand why you are worried.But before doing anything drastic, give him the chance to explain himself. Tell him how your feeling about it and ask him if he'd be happy, if it were you talking to other men online. Obviously you don't know what he's been talking about to these other girls, but i'd be thinking on the same lines as you are! Don't let it fester, get it out in the open, make sure he knows you know.
This idea might not sit well with some folk-my ex partner was doing the same thing years ago (it's not why we split) before i confronted him, i got as much info as possible, i found out who he was talking too, and printed off emails and pictures. I knew when i confronted him he'd make it out to be nothing, and just a problem with me.I wasn't having that. He fessed up and didn't to my knowledge do it again
Good luck with this i know it's hard.
1 person likes this
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
19 Oct 07
thanks for the encouragement. it's just so hard to trust my husband, because of past relationships and i really didn't need this started all over again like it did last time. He is always saying how i am his world and then he goes and does this. i just don't know anymore. i love him with all my heart, but my heart is just so broken right now that i don't know if it's even fixable anymore
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
19 Oct 07
I think this has a lot to do with trust hun. My partner has a load of female friends and he frequently chats to them on line, often while I am in the room with him so I get to see them on their web cams too, and they can see me. If you are really troubled, as I guess you are, perhaps you should try to talk to him about it, let him know that you love him but that you feel unhappy.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
20 Oct 07
thanks...my husband and i had a very long talk today and things are reeally good between us now. alot of the problem was solved, which turned out to be me just being paranoid. my husband has come such a long way from the way he used to be i just still have alot of trust issues that i need to deal with.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
20 Oct 07
it was nothing. i just had been sick and had a bad day and saw that he'd been on there, but it wasn't him at all. my husband has been loaning out his computer so that the ones that don't have one can call home and speak with their wives. i felt terrible and should have known that he has come such a long way from the way that he used to be and apologized to him about a million times. thank you
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
19 Oct 07
Talk to him about it and tell him how uncomfortable this makes you feel. On the other hand, the people he is associating with could just be friends. I can see it from your perspective though since he isn't using the webcam with you and he's talking to you less. You just have to confront him on it and be clear about how you feel.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
20 Oct 07
thanks, but things are great between us now. we had a very long talk today and he explained why the computer was on. alot of the soldiers there do not have computers so he lets them use his to talk with their families. thanks again
@jennwhite07 (130)
• United States
19 Oct 07
If you have an honest marriage, I would sit down and talk with him rationally about this. Tell him what you have seen on your pc, and ask him about it. Really watch his responses, and if you know your husband as well as you do, then you will be able to tell if he is lying. Don't accuse, just ask first and try to be reasonable about it. If after speaking with him about it, you still feel no better, maybe you should tell him that you can't trust him, and try to talk it out from there?
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
20 Oct 07
thanks so much for the encouragement. i actually had a long talk with my husband today and i do believe him when he says he didn't do anything. he's been letting other soldiers use his computer, since we have skype, to let them call home and talk with their families. everything is good now and i feel so much better about things between us now
@shadowing (308)
• Malaysia
19 Oct 07
Hi Asgtswife. So, how are you right now? Have you talked to your husband already?
Well, you have the right to angry and to skeptical about what was he doing in 2:21 morning. However, just stay calm and capture the whole story before you actually upset about it.
As what you said, it's just the matter of trust issue, isn't it? And, I understand it's really difficult and hard to lay your trust after the cheat but do give him a fair chance to explain what was he doing with his webcam on.
So, if his answer is unacceptable, then you can think of your next step then. Just stay calm and cool before things become clear. All the best, all myLotters are here to support.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
19 Oct 07
thanks for the support. i am trying to calm down about it. i didn't answer the phone today when he called me for fear of saying alot of things i might regret and just blowing up before he even tried explaining anything. i'm sure i'll talk to him tomorrow though. i'll let everyone know what happens then. and thanks again. it's really appreciated from all of you.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
19 Oct 07
ummmmm. NO! That is not what I am about. I don't do anything like that. I am totally devoted and loyal to my husband and I would never cheat on him on the net or off the net. I love my husband and when i married him I made a committment to not only him but to God as well. Just because he screws up does not allow me to do that as well....and i never would. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people. he is the one that broke the covenant, not I nor would I ever. I take marriage very seriously...it is not something to be thrown around lightly or played with. It is a man and a woman. That's it! so, sorry...that may be what you do, but I could never and will never cheat on a spouse.
@hawk07 (3)
•
19 Oct 07
Hi there. Wel giving up on someone is not exactly the solution. You need to ask yourself if you rally need him or not. If he is no more a requirement in your life then go ahead and dump him but if it is the other way around then the best way to sort it would be to start of a general discussion when he is in a good mood and slowly deviate to your questions. That way he wont become defensive and the discussion will be more meaningful. Try and find out that why does he feel the urge to talk to other girls. If it is something that you are missing upon then try and get it right but if that is his character then there is no remedy. Overall just try and be cool rather than getting agitated or desperate to kow the reality. It's always easier said then done but harder things generally yield better results. Best of luck and have a happy and lovable life ahead.
@chenjuan_gw (14)
• China
19 Oct 07
Don't worry!You are just too nervous.Maybe your husband just makes a new friend ,and feels that the other one is good at chatting.You can talk with him ,and ask him whether he is not happy or has some trouble ,then you can help him solve in all. It's not serious as you just think!
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
20 Oct 07
thank you for your comment and encouragement. i know that now. my husband and i had a very long talk today and things are excellent between us. thanks again
@missybal (4490)
• United States
19 Oct 07
If he had this internet relationship with a 16 year old before I don't blame you for being upset and if it was past two in the morning it's not like he was talking to his mother and with using the webcam and paying for it... that is too much stacked against him. No wonder you're bitter. I'd give up. But I guess you should get the whole story. I would point blank ask him who he was on the internet with at 2 in the morning. If he tried to throw the whole what you don't trust me thing at you then most likely a lie will follow. I would collect all the information you can. I don't know about you but I know all my husband's pass words for the internet sites and emails. And he is very perdictable if it changes. Dig and collect all the information. You deserve to know and it will be useful if you must get a divorce. I realize that with the kids it is hard expecially if there is no place you can go. Take this time before he returns from this deployment to make a game plan for if you can't be together anymore. I think about that when my husband is away. It's sad but I have trust issues when my husband is deployed and I can tell you if I get any information that he is cheating I would leave him in a second. And you said it all in one of your responses what a man who is married must be. I'll pray with you.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
19 Oct 07
thank you so much for your prayers. i do have his passwords to his emails and his skype, but if he got a new yahoo account or anything like that i wouldn't know yet. i'm researching the net though to see what all i can find out and, yes, i will be leaving him if he has truly done this. he is no husband if he is this way. thanks again
@magikrose (5429)
• United States
18 Oct 07
Just because he was using the webcam and talking to someone at 2am dosnt mean he is cheating on you. For all you know it was harmeless chat that will lead to nothing. He could have been chatting with a relative that lives far away and got carried away. Before jumping to conclusions just ask him.
I have a web cam also and I have a habit of getting carried away on line with a few friends of mine and not realise what time it is. My husband knows that I am faithful to him and is ok with it.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
19 Oct 07
this is true, but you don't know my husband well. he gets on his webcam for one reason and one reason only...and i'm sure you can guess what that is. it's not to talk that's for sure. but, i haven't spoken with him today cause i was to upset and knew i would just make the situation worse, so i will talk with him tomorrow and let everyone know how things went.
