It's my moms birthday but I don't talk to her since our fight

Tears - Crying blue eyes
Canada
October 23, 2007 2:12pm CST
I wrote about a problem I had with my mom (discussion: I wish I can run away from everything) and haven't spoken to her since that day. Her birthday is coming up and I'm torn as to what I should do. Should I call her up and wish her a happy birthday which may launch an entirely new battle?Should I ignore it which might cause her deep hurt and pain?.......or is there some other solution I should consider?
3 people like this
14 responses
• United States
23 Oct 07
I did pop into your profile to read your other story "I wish I can run away from everything", and I'm so sorry you have to be put through that. Your Mom is not very understanding to your problems. Everybody in this world would love to have a perfect life, perfect kids, perfect jobs, perfect husband, etc., but we don't now do we? This is not your fault in any way and I understand how you feel. I would absolutely feel the same way. I think you should send a card to wish her a Happy Birthday, because I know it will come from your heart. It would be nice to call her, but, under the circumstances, I think I would just send the card for now. Maybe you can sit down one day when it's quiet and pour your little heart out in a letter to her. Hopefully, she might realize how she is straining this relationship between the two of you. If not, at least you tried, and you can at least sleep at night knowing this. Take care and I hope it all works out for you no matter what you decide to do............God Bless.
• Canada
24 Oct 07
I did the letter thing once. She brought it over months later and was hinting threats about taking it to a lawyer. All I had in there is how she can't keep fighting with me....basically the same thing as now.... She didn't like seeing in writing how I felt.
• United States
24 Oct 07
Maybe just writing the letter and not sending it will make YOU feel better inside.......sometimes that works. Put the letter in a drawer but get it all out on paper for your own sake. You are going to make yourself sick and I know the feeling of going to bed and waking up in the morning with the same knot in my stomach. Send your card, send some flowers if you'd like....if you do call her, keep it very short. Make up some excuse that you can only talk for a few minutes as you have an appointment, or you have to go somewhere...whatever you decide. I'm really sorry you're going through this....it's a hard one to figure out what is right to do under the circumstances.....take care.
1 person likes this
• Canada
25 Oct 07
That's a good idea. Writing about it here, has helped a lot so if I wrote myself a letter, I'm sure it will really help. Her birthday is Saturday - I better do something quickly!
• United States
24 Oct 07
i just read your discussion about your mom.It is going to be hard ,but I think you should ignore your mother's birthday.she doesn't respect you and if you call it will start all over again.I know you love her, but I am not sure she really loves you.If my mom had said the things to me, I would have disowned her long ago.But,disregard all that I have just said if it will hurt You more if you don't call. I want you to be happy and if you would never forgive yourself if you didn't call, then call. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.By being prepared I mean have something special you and your Real family, hubby and your son, can do after the call, like playing a board game or even just watching a movie together.They can help you get over the call.I am so sorry you have to go through all this.I hope your son is doing well. Take care.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Oct 07
I'm bracing for the worst. I think to save myself from sleepless nights, I need to do something (a card, a phone call ) - if I just let it go like that, she'll complain to my brother overseas and I'll end up having to deal with him too. Our son is 27 years old and lives on his own. My husband and I oversee and manage as much of his life as we are able from a short distance.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Oct 07
I hope it goes as well as it can.Maybe after that call, you can call your son and get some TLC from him over the phone. Or better still you can plan to see him.I'll keep my fingers crossed that it goes well. Good Luck. Take Care.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
26 Oct 07
Sweetie send her a Birthday Card and that way you can not be accused of ignoring her and also avoid another Battle with her
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Oct 07
I picked up a birthday card and some chocolates. I'll be picking up a cake shortly and we're meeting her at a restaurant for dinner. I think it'll be a fine time.
24 Oct 07
After all she your mother...whatever happens between you and your mom..she will still be your mother.What ever happened between you,i think u should call her up and talk to her and apologize to her even if she is not right.
• Canada
24 Oct 07
Well, as much trouble as I'm having just calling her to extend birthday greetings, I'm willing to bet it would be practically impossible for me to apologize for something I'm not wrong of doing. I can eat a lot of humble pie in my life but can't imagine apologizing because someone things God is punishing me by making my children abnormal. I'll certainly end up talking to her but if any apologies are forthcoming, they will be directed at me and not coming from me.
@topei12 (272)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
It's nice to show your concern for your mother especially trying to mend your differences. The folks are right life is too short to waste it on arguments or fighting. don't know the whole story about you and your mother but i admire people who always make the move to mend a broken relationship- it shows how much you value it. You might try sending flowers and card, then by the time she receives them you might try calling her greet her and ask about the gifts. The gift and card will be a good topic for your conversation rather that your past fight. hope i was a help to you!
• Canada
24 Oct 07
Life is short - mending wounds that have festered for decades isn't as easy as I would like it to be. I'll cross my fingers and hope for the best.
@hopejordan (3566)
• Australia
24 Oct 07
hello there homeflower if i was you make up with your mother and forgive her cause she is still your mother you only have one mum, my mum is in a nursing home but i still love my mum i miss her so please go talk to you mum god bless you
• Canada
24 Oct 07
Of course I still love her but she is at me so much that I get stress related problems and I'm going to end up having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. I'll end up talking to her.
• India
24 Oct 07
I went thru your other post and it touched a raw nerve inside me. My condition is similar to yours in some ways. I am an only child of my parents and after marriage I stayed with my in-laws for 10years (as is the norm in India). I faced many adjustment problems there and had to compromise a lot but the worst was from my mom. Immediately after my marriage, she wanted me to shift to an apartment near my parents’ house but I could not at that point of time. she abused me a lot on the phone to the extent that I almost stopped visiting her. Things looked up after my son was born and now that child is 8yrs old. Now I am shifting to a nearby apartment and she has promised to take care of my child during the day (with the help of a full-time nanny of course). Leaving all past bitterness aside, I was happy till just a few hours back. She called me saying that my son is making life hell for her. He is too boisterous, undisciplined, moody, foul-mouthed, cranky, irritable bla bla bla for her liking, she cannot ‘tame’ him and she is the last person to look after such ill-mannered children. I kept quite throughout the tirade but I was literally in tears. I had decided to shift depending on her word, she had said that she would be glad to look after her grandchild and just a few days later she takes a complete somersault! She is like that. So as I said, not all moms are perfect, not all of them understand their children and our problems. They see the world through their eyes only. But we have to tolerate them and yes, do call and wish her so that you will not have the guilt inside you, even if she refuses to reciprocate.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Oct 07
Oh wow, that's crazy! It sounds so much like some of the things my mother says and does. She still yells at me about something my 2 sister-in-laws and their husbands did on new years eve 1979-1980. Here's briefly what happened: New years eve at our house. The music was loud, the people were laughing and having a good time. Mom went to church and when she came back after midnight.... no one heard her knocking at the door for several minutes and she was furious when she came in and saw the wives sitting too close (in her opinion) to their own husbands. Honestly, she still mentions it and tells me how awful my husbands family is. We lived together at that point too.
• United States
24 Oct 07
Be the better person. Send a card, gift, or call - even ask her out to lunch or to shop. You only have your Mom for a limited time. If you have kids, you don't want them to think having an estranged parent is the thing to do. If she doesn't respond appropriately, at least you tried; and next year just send a card.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Oct 07
I really need to be a big girl and do the mature thing. At the very least a card would be nice.
@sid556 (31003)
• United States
24 Oct 07
I think that you should at least acknowledge her birthday. I read your story and I can understand that your mom is a very difficult lady to deal with. My own mom is very very critical. I really think that you will feel better about yourself and also prevent adding fuel to the flame if you acknowledge her birthday. You don't have to go all out or linger around long. With a mother like that you have to be there for her but you still need to distance yourself emotionally from her.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Oct 07
Yes, I at the very least need to acknowledge her special day. Maybe a short visit wouldn't hurt either.
@wasons (303)
• China
24 Oct 07
i feel bad to hear the unhappy experience between you and yur mom,i think it is easier to deal with than other relationships,so you can deal with the relationship as your mom's birthday coming up,if making a phone call to her may be lead to a new battle,you can send message/card to her or e-mail.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Oct 07
I'll probably end up getting her a card.
@nangel78 (1458)
• United States
24 Oct 07
I would at least send her a card and a small gift. I am not sure what caused your fight, but I lost my mom a few years ago and I miss her a lot despite whatever happened before. You get to a point to where you do not care about that stuff. If you need to let yourself heal, then I would at least get a card and a small gift. In the long run, it will not matter who was at fault. I am learning this myself.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Oct 07
I'm sorry for your loss nAngel. Maybe a card and small gift would at least be a symbol that I'm still here - and still think of her.
@martosi (57)
• Portugal
24 Oct 07
Hi! I also haven´t read abaut your fight but I can understand you perfectly, once I have some problems with my own mother. I agree with the last posting, life is too short and mother there´s only one in this life. I think you have 2 choices, either you: Face her, try to forget the problems and wish her happy birthday personally or, If she likes flowers send her some, with a card. That´s a good oportunity for you to write to her (if you don´t want to face her) and maybe mend things up. Whatever you decide I wish you good luck.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Oct 07
Thanks martosi I have quite a decision to make and only a couple of days to find a good solution.
@carolscash (9500)
• United States
23 Oct 07
I agree with both of the other replies on here. Life is too short to fight with others and hold grudges. Also, she is your mom and you should show her that you care about her and that you still think of her by sending her a card. It would be nice to attempt to talk with her and see if you can settle things,but if you aren't ready to face her then it is just as nice to send a card and wish her some good times.
• Canada
24 Oct 07
Life is too short It looks like I might be sending a card and flowers. She'd like a phone call better though.
• United States
23 Oct 07
I haven't read about your fight, but I can tell you that life is far too short to spend it unhappy or angry. If you can't mend things with her in person or on the phone, why not send her a card? It would let her know you had thought about her, let her know you DO still love her, and she can't argue with a card. Hopefully, in time, whatever the fight was about/whatever caused the problem-- it can be resolved or forgotten. Until then, work around it without facing off on it. Birthdays aren't about problems. They are about love. Show your's to her via a card. Eventually, things do work out. They always do. Good luck to you.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Oct 07
She was looking forward to her birthday and that's part of the reason I'm stressing so much about it. I never forget her birthday but it's never been like this before.