marriage

United States
October 26, 2007 12:13pm CST
My boyfriend & I are both 19 years old. Our relationship is pretty serious & we are in love, but the subject of marriage is very sore subject with us. I would love to get married in the next few years, but he doesn't want to get married until he's 30/35, if at all. I'm not pushing the subject because I know we are both young & have time to mature & grow together still. I don't want to rock the boat or ruin a good thing. I grew up with parents that got married young and have stayed married for the past 31 years. All the relationships around me have been this way. He, on the other hand, has grown up with parents that got divorced and a mother who got remarried and divorced for a second time. His father has never truely grown up either. He goes back in forth on the subject.. and I am never the one to bring it up. One day he'll mention wanting to get married in a few years and the next he doesn't want to at all. He is scared of commitment & doesn't want to go through a divorce like the relationships that he has seen. How can I convince him that marriage is not such a horrible thing; that it doesn't have to be doomed? I think it is a blessing, not a curse. I am not sure what to do. I do not want to date him for many years just to find out I've wasted my time. Advice?
3 people like this
6 responses
@Violette13 (1048)
• United States
29 Oct 07
I am always surprised when i see someone so young wanting to get married. Now see, i'm only 28 and i'm JUST getting married in the beginning of next year. When i was 19, marriage was the FURTHEST thing from my mind. I am SO glad i never did anything stupid like that, you go through a lot in your twenties and no matter how in love you are now, i would give it a while. How long have you guys been together anyways? Not to mention, he's probaly a bit scared at the idea of spending his 20's legally bound to one person.
2 people like this
• United States
30 Oct 07
haha.. yes i know it is a big deal & i'm not looking to get married any time in the immediate future. i am by no means saying that i am completely ready to get married right now. i still have some growing up to do, college to finish, and a life to get started. i would wait til whenever it was right for both of us to make that step, because it is a big one. we have only been dating for about a year and a half, but our relationship is pretty serious. our relationship is currently long distance because of college, but won't be for much longer because i am transfering closer to home and will only be a couple hours away from him. the only thing i was worried about was that i'd date him for so long and then he'd end up deciding when he's about 30 that he never wants to get married and then i would have wasted 10 years of my life with someone that wouldnt end up in my future. trust me, i know i am not the only one with growing up to do either, he has maturing to do also. i would LIKE to get married around 25 after college and whatever.. but we'll see.
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
29 Oct 07
I do not know which country you are from, but I can say marriage is an old-fashioned custom. People get married, because they think without it they miss something. After marriage they realize, that the goldring is gold cuffs. And it is a big lie.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Oct 07
Oh, I so have to disagree with that Dolcerina. I love being married. I think it gives us a stablity that may not be there otherwise. Why do you feel marriage is a lie?
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
30 Oct 07
Because I have never seen honest marriage yet. The family and the marriage is not the same. My experience, that those who live together without a document are much more honest, and true, and happier. And they divorce less times, because they are perfectly free. DO you feel difference between saying: "My husband" and "my boyfriend" All the men feels the weight of the difference, when they say my wife, and when they are introduced, as a husband. Living without the document and vow is similar: you are in a house with big windows, the door is open. But you stay, because you like to live there with your partner. The sun is shining through the window. YOu see the world, when you look out of the wondow. Living in a marriage: you are in a house the curtains are drew in, the door is locked. You love your partner, and enjoy being with him, but you are locked into the house. After a while usually you get to be bored and you try to draw the curtains, because you need some light, and you wonder what is outside. But your partner do not like that you do this. And you say that you are happy, because your life is perfect in that house. I could continue this allegory, but if somebody sware and says that she is happy like above, I may not say that you are not happy. Because that is your life.
@kara5287 (299)
• United States
26 Oct 07
even if you don't get married why would it be a waste of time? you can be with somebody and be perfectly happy for years and years without being married.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Oct 07
I have to disagree with this. I, for example, always knew that I wanted to be a young mother. If I had not married until I was 30 or 35 that dream would not have happened. There were many reasons for this, and I can look back and say I am REALLY glad that I had my first child at age 26. If your dream is to be married, having children, and settling down I honestly don't think someone would be happy waiting for years and years for someone. Respectfully, blueunicorn
@diillu (5128)
27 Oct 07
Since you both are in love with eachother I just want to say that don't push him for the marriage. If you can wait for him then let him free on what he things about marriage. But you just keep on loving him and telling him that how marriage is wonderful. Just give him examples of beautifully married couples but don't tell him that you want to get married with him. After sometime when he will have complete trust on you and your relationship then he will be the one to tell you for marriage.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24962)
• Australia
25 Nov 07
It's very refreshing to hear someone so young speaking so wisely. It's a shame that he seems not to be taking your feelings into consideration. That being said, you have a lot in front of you. Give it some time. As you grow together and things settle into a routine for you as a couple he may come around to being more confident and settled with the thought that marrying isn't such a scary thing. Meanwhile, live your life to the fullest and keep your options open. You never know what's around the corner. enjoy yourself, be happy and strive to be the best you can be as a person in your own right.
@blueunicorn (2409)
• United States
27 Oct 07
You really shouldn't convince your boyfriend of anything. If he is not ready for marriage it will not be one that is a happy marriage. He will feel trapped and not ready to work on all the issues that come up in a marriage. Marriage is hard. The marriages that you have seen work take a lot of compromise, giving in sometimes, and just plain determination. I'm sorry, but no matter how much you love your spouse this is true. Give it some time. You are young. People and relationships change a lot during this time in your life.