Are there any good men out there....my friend needs a family kind of man
November 2, 2007 5:22pm CST
I am so sick and tired of seeing my friend lonely and depressed. She has been taking out her frustration on her kids. I think this is very sad and I wish I could hel her. The last time she felt this way was 1 year ago. Someone alot looser than she advised her to go onto a party line. That party line and her lack of people skills got her 2 more kids. To top it all off the father left. After she took the loser in. I mean come on. I tried to talk to her and nothing helps. I wish there was a way I could put the kind of man she needs. I would have to literally pick him after a thorough interview. Because her belief of what a good man is tainted. She has to re-program her mentality and that is not easy at all. She has been told all her life that she ia a nobody and that no one wants her around because her family is racist. I am her only friend. I know this for sure. We used to have mutual friends but even they walked out on her and said she has to much drama. That is so unfair. I thought a friend is the person that walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Anyways, any ideas on how I can find her a good man. or should I mind my business as my husband would say?
• United States
3 Nov 07
You should mind your business. You can't help your friend find a man. You may be able to introduce her to a few nice guys, but overall she needs to realize that as long as she keeps obsessing over it, which is just making her more miserable than the situation would on its own, she's not going to find anyone. Real, solid relationships come when people are ready, and usually when they are not looking for them. She may have to go through dating a few more jerks before she meets the right guy, and she needs to not sleep with anyone until she's sure she has found that right guy. She has to make that decision of who is right on her own. What may seem like the perfect guy to you may not absolutely be the perfect guy for her. And lack of people skills was not what got her two more kids, it was lack of common sense. Just because you're not good with people or social skills doesn't mean you shouldn't still have the sense to be smart about what you do. And don't suggest dating sites to her. Too many crazies hide in the shadows of those sites. She needs to meet someone in real life, in person, with whom she can actually talk and get to know face to face. You never know if the person you think you're talking to is really who they say they are online. And most important of all, I understand she's frustrated, but her kids are the last ones she should be taking it out on. Her kids need to come first above finding a man, and it is unhealthy for them to have to suffer the consequences of her being miserable. She needs to be patient, worry about the most important things first, and true love will come in time when it's ready. Good luck to your friend!
• United States
3 Nov 07
You should at least be there for your friend Monica. Friends that can't be there when it really counts...its a very sad situation. She sounds like she really needs the support too. I'll say I'm sorry she's been through this but she cannot take it out on herself all the time, its self-destructive and its counterproductive. Only more agony results from inaction like this. I'd say she does need to reprogram, reevaluate her thinking. While its good to have more scrutiny in the opposite gender, there are also other pieces to the required mindset. She had to believe in herself and take charge. She also has to learn that it doesn't matter if she's single or not, its her life and she can live it; an intimate companion is not required. She also needs to straighten up for the sake of her kids, or she'll likely doom them to some terrible lifestyle due to the mental/verbal abuse and the scars(I'm speaking more of the mental repercussions of such events). She has to straighten herself out and rearrange her priorities long before she even tries to get into an intimate relationship. If she does it backward, if she puts more value on being with a man than her kids well being and her own mental health, then things won't work out. The man won't want to stay because your friend will slip and reveal an abusive streak, either at the kids or him. And then things go back to the way they were. Long story short. Be there for your friend, it sounds like she needs the support and the drive for change. Get her to change and reevaluate priorities. Her kids and her. Get her to reprogram correctly. She can be a bit more wary of men even when dating, but she also has to drop some of the baggage and have the confidence in herself. She is someone, but she is the one who has to believe it most above anyone, for herself and for her kids. Get her to quit taking out frustrations on her kids, she'll most likely warp them at this rate. I wish her, her kids and you... I wish you all the best.