Is this his responsibilty?

@dayzz25 (552)
United States
November 21, 2007 12:56pm CST
My father in law calls my eleven month old daughter "lover". I'm pretty sure that he doesn't mean anything by this but I think it's very inappropiate. I've told my significant other several times that I do not like it when he calls her this and I've asked him to talk to his dad about this. He has never said anything to him and I don't think that he will ever say anything to him. I feel like since it is his family that he should be the one to talk to them not me. If my mom or her husband said or did something that I did not like I would talk to them about it. I don't feel comfortable talking to his family because I'm not very close with them and I would probably come off snotty. I have a hard time expressing my feelings in a positve way. Do you think this is appropiate? Or am I over reacting? Do you think that it should be my significant others responsibilty to say something about this or should I? Thanks. Have a great day.
5 people like this
16 responses
@ersmommy1 (12600)
• United States
21 Nov 07
I wouldn't say you were over reacting. I could see how it may make you uncomfortable.I suggest just keeping an eye on things for now. When my siblings and I were younger, my grandfather used to refer to us as lil monsters. Even though we were well behaved children. we reached a certain age and he stopped. Now that he is a great grandfather he pulled the same act with my daughter. And when she was 2 she looked him staight in the eye and said " I am not a monster I am ers' That put a stop to it.Some male family members do not know how to really express affection properly. When she is older he may stop. Until then try finding a nickname for her you find appropriate. Then in a jokey way say she not a lover she's a sweet pea or what ever, maybe that will stick.
3 people like this
@dayzz25 (552)
• United States
21 Nov 07
Thanks for your good suggestions. Maybe I will try it even though I don't want her to have a nickname. It would be better for him to call her sweet pea than lover. I don't trust men real well that's probably the main reason that I can't stand him calling her that. Have a great day.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20979)
• United States
21 Nov 07
I agree, I don't think it is appropiate and it would be your S/O job to tell his Father. But since he isn't, you could still maybe in passing mention to your Father-in-law how you would prefer that he come up with a different nick name for your daughter, that it just makes you uncomfortable. If that doesn't work, what about your Mother-in-law? Are you close to her? Maybe she will understand and talk to her husband about it..
@dayzz25 (552)
• United States
21 Nov 07
Thanks. I'm not close with his mother either. They are just so different. I wish I could write a letter but that would make me look like a coward...hahaha. Maybe I should just try letting it go in one ear and out the other. But that's just hard for me to do. Have a great day.
2 people like this
• United States
21 Nov 07
Couldn't you just say, "Please, it makes me uncomfortable to hear you call my daughter that, could you give her another nickname?" He may or may not, but it is worth a try. Maybe repeat what you will say will help too, write it down and go over it until you have it down.
2 people like this
@violeta_va (4834)
• Australia
22 Nov 07
First af all you are right about it beeng a bit inappropiate (when I say bit I ment over the top extreme). Try again talk to him explain why you feel that way and tell him to talk to his father about it. Ask him how he feel about his father calling his daughter that. Tell him that it would be better coming from him then you. Tell him that if he does not talk to him you will. And yes it would be better if he does but if he doent then you do. Who cares wht he things of you he obviusly does not care what you think of him when he calles your daugter with inapproriate names.
2 people like this
@dayzz25 (552)
• United States
24 Nov 07
I'm so glad that you responded. You made me feel much better about this whole thing. I will try again to get him to talk to his father and if he won't I guess I'll have to. So what if they don't like me right. I have to protect and raise my daughter the best that I can. Thanks for making my day brighter. Have a great day.
@Sillychick (3279)
• United States
21 Nov 07
I agree that the nickname is inappropriate, and I would be uncomfortable with it, too. But I don't think that it is necessarily your significant other's responsibility to talk to his father about it. She is your daughter, too, and if you want him to stop, you should tell him how you feel. It may not be comfortable, and he may not like it, but so what. When it comes to your daughter you have to do what is best, and that is not always going to be easy. Better to deal with it now than wait until it becomes a real problem.
2 people like this
@dayzz25 (552)
• United States
21 Nov 07
You're right. Thanks. I will let him know the next time we aren't in front of the whole family. Most of the time everyone is around and I don't like making a scene. His family already don't like me too much because the way I was when she first came home from the hospital. She was born 12 weeks early and I listened to what the NICU doctors told me because I felt like they knew what was good for my daughter. It was winter when we came home and they all wanted me to take her to their house and stuff like that. I told them that I wasn't going to because I didn't want her to get sick. I felt if they wanted to see her they could come to our home. So I guess it doesn't really matter since they don't like me anyway...right? Have a great day. Happy Thanksgiving.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Nov 07
You are part of the family now and should say something if you are not happy. I dont see anything wrong with it. Hes a grandpa and means no harm. My grandpa called me sweetheart and the other called me good looking. Theres no harm in it. Hes just expresing love for your daughter. Be happy he is involved in her life.
2 people like this
• United States
23 Nov 07
Im sorry I didnt realize what happened. I understand now why you are so upset. If it bothers you and your husband wont say anything YOU say something to him in a nice way. Tell him you dont think hes calling her by an appropriate nick name. Maybe suggest a few like sweetheart. If your husbamd cares he will say something. Dont worry about making people made like family. If your uncomfortable say so.
2 people like this
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
21 Nov 07
I feel he same as you...if it's MY family I'll hanle it but if it's HIS family he should handle it. He rarely does but there's no way I can do it either since we don't get along well. It a hard thing to deal with though and if you really feel strongly about his nickname and your s/o won't sa anything then I guess you'll have to. I know it's easier said than done though. Last Thursday my S/o's dad decide our boys needed haircuts (former military, can't stand to see their hair over their ears). I did not want it cut because the 4 1/2 year old's hair was still messed up from the last time he cut it and I wanted it to grow out more so it could be fixed, the 2 1/2 has curls which I like to show off. I've told my s/o that I do not want his dad cutting the boys hair so short but he won't say anything and I know if I do his dad will probably cut it even shorter just for spite. Last Thursday was no different. I want to tell him to stop but I can't.
2 people like this
@dayzz25 (552)
• United States
21 Nov 07
Thank you for your feedback. I would be upset about the hair also. My s/o is always wanting to get my daughter's hair cut because it sometimes gets in her eyes. But I told him that it will grow out eventually. If we keep getting it cut because it gets in her eyes then it will always be short and I want my daughter to have long hair eventually. I don't understand why some men can't stand up to their dads. Are they scared of them or what? Good luck to you. Happy Thanksgiving.
1 person likes this
@Alina99 (14)
• China
22 Nov 07
i agree with you and i can understand you ,you can talk to him about this .
2 people like this
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
22 Nov 07
My situation is a little different than yours,I feel more comfortable telling my in laws to not call my son something than I do my own parents - it weird. But I do believe that if you're not comfortable with it, and your partner knows about it, he should talk to his dad and ask him not to call her that anymore. And if at all necessary, and your partner doesn't say anything, come off as snotty if you have to, but let them know that you don't appreciate him calling her that. She's YOUR daughter and they should respect your wishes. And if he gets mad, too bad, you can just blame it on your partner LOL
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
22 Nov 07
I think if it bothers you that bad, you should be the one to say something. It must not bother your husband that bad to say anything. You might be better off speaking up yourself. Although I don't feel it's inappropiate, it is your choice. I know my sister will say stuff like "Come on my little lover, lets get our shoes on." or something down that line to my kids & it doesn't bother me. But that is me. Some people see things differently. So all you can do is sit the father down with your husband with you and explain that this name bothers you and if maybe he can pick another "nickname" for the baby... Good luck!
2 people like this
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
22 Nov 07
You say 2 things in the same sentence." I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean anything by this," and," but I think its very inappropriate." If he doesn't mean anything by it, how can it be very inappropiate? I think your worrying over nothing!Relax and let it go. Your pissing in the Wind!
@Mitraa (3188)
• India
22 Nov 07
I think in this matter you are a little bit over reacting. Above all he is the grandfather and he has a very special feeling towards his grand daughter... Not only verbally but also imotionally! Your daughter is the special person for him and all those specialities are totally integrated by more than simply parental love. So I think a little extra expression as 'Lover' should not put you in any odd feeling! Take it as a very light thing and I am sure you will find that everything is right in its own way in due time. Let the grandfather have his fun as well as care for his grand child! Thanks for this specific discussion.
• Canada
21 Nov 07
I too find that inappropriate. I would probably ask my partner to talk to his parents as well unless he didn't then I would just go ahead because next think you knmow your daughter will be calling everyone that too.
2 people like this
@babostwick (2037)
• United States
21 Nov 07
I find it different. I never thought about it. Maybe it's just a nickname for your daughter and that's it. I don't think your father in law means any harm by it. I guess the best thing is talk it over with him directly but that's it. I think you should handle it the way you feel is best.
2 people like this
@musicman6 (2376)
• United States
22 Nov 07
Dayzz, I think the right approach is, that your father-in-law needs to know,that you are uncomfortable with him calling her "lover", and that it is in fact inappropriate for him to be calling her that! Now, either your s/o needs to let him know, or you have to do it! I'm sitting here trying to figure out, why he would even start calling her that in the first place!
1 person likes this
@dayzz25 (552)
• United States
24 Nov 07
It's great to hear a guy say that I'm not over reacting. Most guys stick together and all...haha. I don't understand why he would start calling her that in the first place either. He has two other young granddaughters and he doesn't call them that. That's what gets to me....I just don't understand it. Maybe he's just trying to get under my skin...hard to say. Thanks for your response. Have a wonderful day.
@bfarrier1 (2082)
• United States
24 Nov 07
I think this is very inappropiate and if you don't let him know how you feel it will blow up one day, you might already be in a bad mood or something and if he calls her this name you may really go off on him so you should say something now so it can be said in a calm,cool voice instead of a mean,nasty voice.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 Nov 07
You're the parent of your child. It is both your husband and your responsibility. I believe that when a seed of problem is planted in a soil, it will grow in time. You would wait for that moment. Will you now?
1 person likes this