How would you handle this?

United States
November 23, 2007 12:22am CST
I have a friend, who is about 15 years younger than me. We worked together and kept in touch after she found a new job. Anyhow, I had split up with my husband and she helped me move out, during this time, I stayed with her a couple days, then she had to go out of town for a week. I went to my sisters for a while, and decided to stay with her because it was closer to work, and also I was kept busier with the kids and kept my mind off my problems. My friend was busy herself and then had an out of town friend visit, and I was never invited to go out with them which was okay. My sister introduced me to her friend and she and I became friends and started going out to movies, dinner, etc; also she is my age. My friend got upset and now won't really talk to me, though she denies that is why she is upset. SHe wrote me and told me I'm not there for her and she's always there for me. I feel really hurt by her comments. I was married and have grown kids, so no I can't always leave to help her. SHe hasn't been married, and I think she doesn't understand. I feel bad. Also, I owe her money and told her I would pay her back in late February when I get my tax money, and now she keeps emailing me every week for the money. So how would you handle this? I'm 47 and she's 31, not that age really matters, but I'm not sure what the problem really is here. She keeps telling me it's me and that I act different with her.
2 people like this
10 responses
@faith210 (11233)
• Philippines
23 Nov 07
Hi SanDsinrs! Other friends can be so posessive sometime. Others would always want you to be there at their beck and call. Whatever your friend's issues are, they are her problems now. I think you have been clear to her that you will pay her back at a specified date. I think she is jealous when you do make friends with another. However, don't let that limit you in any way because she needs to do some growing up when it comes to friendship. As long as you you have done nothing wrong to hurt or offend her, then you just keep on being the kind of friend you are. Just my thoughts. take care and have a nice day. :)
• United States
23 Nov 07
Yes, I think she got jealous, and does need to grow up some. I haven't done anything wrong, I just feel bad not having the money to give her, because she seems to be using that against me now. She knows my financial situation and she knows I don't have it right now, so that makes it tough. She has lots of other friends and I don't say anything to her about going out with them. Also, like I told her, I have kids even though they're grown, they need me and I get busy with them and the grandkids. Also, with my husband (we're back together), I can't just take off or be on the phone constantly. It's not the same as being single. When you have a relationship you have to respect the person you're with and time is very important. Maybe, I haven't always been there like she has for me, but she should know I care for her and want her to be happy. Take care, and thanks :-)
1 person likes this
@faith210 (11233)
• Philippines
23 Nov 07
Hi SanDsinrs! You are a good friend indeed. I just hope she will realize that. Take care always and have a nice day. :)
@lilaclady (28240)
• Australia
23 Nov 07
I am going to say I think I know where your friend is coming from, the key part of it that you said she has not been married, I think everyone needs that special person in your life regardless of what it is that tou can tell all to, vent to, cry with, tell secrets to, and you consider them as your rock, everyone needs a rock then when you take up with her friend the rock becomes unstable, you may not understand as you have others in your life that can be a rock when you need it, this is just my point of view as I have been through this, I had a very special friend I told everything to and she took up with a another friend of mine and they shared many of my personal things which was only meant for my then rock then all of a sudden she had her own rock and that was fair enough but when it is your friend that is chosen sometimes you get played two ends against the middle...jusy my opinion...
• United States
25 Nov 07
I agree with you, everyone needs that special someone to confide in, cry with., etc. I totally understand that she sometimes feels alone, because she has mentioned no one goes to visit her. I don't go to visit because I work full time as she does, and I'm always busy with my younger son, my granddaughter, my husband, my father being ill. I don't try to ignore her, it's just a matter of time, and I've tried explaining that to her, but I think she feels that my kids are grown and shouldn't need me so much. She doesn't care for my husband so she doesn't understand that I can't just run off and leave him home. I have never shared any of her personal things she and I have discussed with anyone. This new friend of mine was there when I needed someone to talk to because my younger friend was busy and wasn't there for me at that time. I know she was busy and had things planned, and I didn't get upset, I was just sad and wanted to be kept busy at that time. I didn't replace her with this new friend, and I've told her she is more than welcome to go with us if we go anywhere, but she doesn't want to. I don't even see this new friend that often either. Thanks for your opinion, I appreciate it. Hopefully, we'll work it out soon.
@azimsay (545)
• India
23 Nov 07
I feel to say the opinion of this.I will become upsetand my friend also upset.But I will forgot all this.
• United States
23 Nov 07
I believe we're probably both upset about this situation, and I'm sure that we'll both work it out soon. She wrote me an email this morning in response to my email card wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks for your comment.
@maryannemax (12170)
• Sweden
23 Nov 07
can you find some way to meet her and talk to her? it's not really satisfying to just email each other. problems are better solved by talking to each other personally. anyway, just try to explain everything to your friend. tell her your side and your thoughts about everything. if she is really a friend, she will undestand. or maybe she just misses you. ask her about that, too. anne
• United States
23 Nov 07
I agree, maybe emailing isn't the way to work things out, as maybe the emails are coming across to her, or even to me in the wrong way. I do miss talking to her. Thanks,
23 Nov 07
I would write back to her, and say to her what you intend to do to sort things out. I would say if you really do feel hurt, and maybe suggest you meet up, have a few drinks and make friends again!
• United States
23 Nov 07
She responded to my email card wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving. SHe said she has felt that me and my husband have something against her, which we don't. I really care for her, and I've told her that several times. I will call her and see if we can meet up and work things out. Thanks for responding.
@nkhanna (925)
• India
23 Nov 07
well SanDslnrs,its really a very sensitive issue.actually there are some people in this world who really dont want ot share their loved ones with anyone.they are probably the only one child of their parent or the pampered one.i think your freind is also of that kind only.she does not matter herself spending time with any other friends of hers but does mind if you spend time or give more importance to any other friends of yours.i will suggest you to go to her house and talk to her.make her understand that she is your best friend and holds a very important place in your heart.and that you are always there for her.however if she does not understand then i will truly suggest you to pay her money as soon as possible get out of her.
• United States
23 Nov 07
I've tried explaing to her that her friendship means alot and her being there for me when I need her has meant alot, but she's upset. The more I talk to her the more upset she gets. I'll try very hard to pay her back as soon as possible. I sent her an email today wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving, and I never heard back from her. So? I'm too old for this bickering, and if I knew what was really wrong then maybe I could make some sense of it. Thanks,
@diillu (5128)
23 Nov 07
For her telling things like that doesn't make sense at all. She could go anywhere she wanted. And of course you can also go anywhere you want and with anyone you like. It's not like she is the only person on earth. Seems like she is some kind of possesive kind of nature. That type of person who wouldn't care if you are staying in home but who would get really mad if you are going out or getting attention of someone else.
• United States
23 Nov 07
I am only guessing that's what she's upset about, because she kept telling me I was acting different, and I said no I'm not. She kept asking me if I was mad at her over and over and then she brought up the throwing my new friend in her face, so this is why I assume she's upset about this new friend. I don't even see this other new friend but maybe once in a while, and my very best friend that I've know over 25 years, I only get together with her once or twice a year. She has grown kids and a husband and we just call each other every so often, but neither she or I get upset about other friends. Yeah, I think she is somewhat possessive and maybe just gets hurt easily. I don't know. Thanks,
• China
23 Nov 07
Just explain the situation and tell her how you feel. Try to communicate with her. If she still don't understand, I'd say she's not worth being a friend. Tell her you'll give her money back in Febuary and it doesn't help if she keeps asking about it!
• United States
23 Nov 07
I did explain the financial situation to her, and also tried to get her to understand about being in a relationship and having kids and the time involved. I also explained to her that I was going out with this other woman as a friend because she lived close to me, didn't work, so we were able to meet easier than she and I could. It doesn't mean that because I have a new friend that I don't like her anymore. I also mentioned to her that this other woman and I were close in age and then she got really upset and said she didn't know what age has to do with it. I said it didn't have anything to do with it. Well, I'll try again, and see what happens. I have a feeling this is a friendship that isn't going to last though, she seems to have this type of problem with her sisters too. SHe's always upset that they are excluding her. Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it!
@wisconsin26 (3859)
• United States
23 Nov 07
hi San first off don't let her comments get to you. I know this.. You and only you know that you have been there for your friend.. She has made up her mind and wants her money that she lend you.. As you say you will repay her when you get your taxes back.. I would have to say that i would leave it at that and ignore her comments that's she said to you... Just in a nice way i would ask her to leave it alone and you will get what you owe her to her soon as a promise.. Sometimes it's hard for people to under stand such a thing.. But when she gets it all will be good again. Cause who knows she too might be in a jam at that time!!! I hope this helps and things get better for you!
• United States
23 Nov 07
I haven't really emailed or called her lately, just reponded to her emails, cause it seemed when I tried to find out what was wrong she just got more upset. As far as the money, I sent her another response that I will pay her as soon as I can, and hopefully soon, otherwise, I will definitely pay her after I get my taxes. She seemed to be upset that I made a new friend, because her first comments to me were, Have a nice day with your new friend, and then later she commented that I was throwing it in her face that we went to the movies. I told her I'm just telling you I went out, I'm not throwing it in your face, after that she was mad.??? Oh well, what can I say, hopefully she'll get over it. Thanks!
• Philippines
23 Nov 07
SanDslnrs, If your consience is clear and pure then you dont have to be defensive. Besides, she will not accept whatever explanation you have. She already close her mind and just on focus with her own issue that you don't know. You might get into deep trouble if you push her to listen to you and anything you said will be used againt you. With regards to the debt, if you can do anything to pay her do it. By this she will run out of cause to bother you. Just keep quiet. Go on with your life pray for your friend and you will see the truth will set you free. Let go and let God!
• United States
23 Nov 07
I'm trying to make or even save a little extra money to pay her sooner, but it's been tough. I've had a lot going on lately and I just barely make it paycheck to paycheck. I have been praying for her, and hopefully she'll realize that there isn't anything for her to be upset about. Thank you for your advise.