May God Have Mercy On My Older Sister!!!!
By Rozie37
@Rozie37 (15499)
Turkmenistan
November 23, 2007 6:30pm CST
I am almost overwhelmed to tears to talk about this, so I will try my best to keep it as brief as possible. First, I will give a little background for those who do not know the hell my sister has been through in her marriage. I may have to do this topic in two or three parts.
As most of my friends already know, my two older sister and I were raised with no parents. Our dad left when we were very young and my mom passed away when we were 10, 12, and 13. I am the baby.
Both of my sisters had their two oldest daughters out of wedlock. They are both married now and have other children. I am yet single, with no children.
My older sister met her husband in March of 1989, when her daughter was six months old. She married him in 1992 when she was seven months pregnant with her fourth child. She now has six. When she met her husband, he was preaching in front of a Welfare office. They went to church all the time. As soon as they got married, he stopped going.
He never embraced her oldest daughter, so she has always felt like she did not belong. And my sister just let things be the way they were. Fast forward to last night, at Thanksgiving dinner. I started questioning her oldest daughter about why she has gotten yet another tatoo of a guy on her chest.
She is only 19 years old. I find out through my questioning that he is a 45 year old man, who has a daughter her age. In fact, she and the daughter work in a lingerie shop together. I was livid, but the more my aunt and her talked to her, the more I realized that she was me, all over again.
When, I was 15, I met a 25 year old. The same aunt who was talking with me and my niece was telling me back then that this guy was too old for me. But, this guy was the only on that was there for me and there was nothing my aunt could say to make him leave him.
I slowly started realizing that my niece was in the same situation. This guy takes care of her. Her has bought her a BMW(used, but very nice) and apparently he gives her what she missed out on by not having a loving father figure. Then later on my sister and I were sitting in her car talking and she told me that this guy wants her to have his baby and she is trying to get pregnant by him.
I was so broken hearted. She is such a sweet beautiful little girl. I want to ask this man how dare he take advantage of a sweet young girl. I also want to know how he would feel if some jerk did this to his daughter. My sister says she doesn't want to interfere because it would really hurt her daughter. Even though, my sister knows where the man lives. I can't say anything, because I am not suppose to know. Besides, what could I say anyway? What would you do if this were your niece?
9 people like this
10 responses
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
24 Nov 07
Hi Rozie! Oh dear friend, I am really sad to hear all about that. I hope things will get better somehow. We can only pray so hard and let God reign in our hearts and lives. As for your niece, if I am in your situation, I think i will be telling her about how it was when i was young, how i needed someone to whom i can belong because i needed someone to care for me and because of that need, i was not thinking with my head but only with my heart and how it made me feel all the more in wanting for something that is not really for me, leaving me more empty and more alone. I do understand your niece however in being young, we always do impulsive things and we are most often dictated by feelings and to go beyond our feelings is so difficult to do. Probably i can talk to the man she is seeing but that may make it worst because somehow the man has no decency and he will surely tell your niece about the talk and your niece will jut rebel against you and the more she will want that man in her life. I think the best that you can do is tell her your experience and pray that she will learn from it. Take care and praying that all will be alright with you and your family. :)
@StrawberryKisses (2833)
• Canada
24 Nov 07
Well since she is just a niece I would tell her what I think IF asked and then support her with whatever choice she made. She has to make her own mistakes.
I think she probably feels obligated because he's buying her things. Doesn't make it right but it makes it harder for a young woman to see what's wrong with the picture.
3 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
24 Nov 07
This is what is so frustrating. She wanted a baby a few years ago and my sister and I sat down with her for 3 hours and talked her out of it. Now, he has come along and put the idea right back in her head. I just wish that there was some way that I could help her avoid some mistakes. But, I will love and support her no matter what.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
24 Nov 07
I really don't know what to say Rozie - I know I would be very angry if this was my neice. This man is taking advantage of her by buying her things (which I'm sure is only going to last a short while) so she feels obligated to do what he is asking her to do i.e. getting pregnant!!!! she is still a child herself, how is she going to raise a baby? GRR makes me want to pick her up and shake her you know? or knock some sense into her!!!!
This must be very tough on your sister and I feel for her. I on the other hand may have interferred if I was her mother. Not sure how but I would of attempted to put a stop to it even if it caused some strife between us. She is only 19 years of age and has her whole life ahead of her. I could go on but I'm not going to. I feel for you too my friend - a lot of prayers are needed here.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
24 Nov 07
I told my sister the same thing. If she were my child, there is no way I could just sit by and not try to do something. I would tell her that there are some things that you are not going to understand now, but you will thank me later.
Even as her aunt, I would go to this man's house and calmly sit down and try to reason with him. My sister and my niece both know that I would. That is why I know they will never tell me where he lives. The other problem is that my other sister's oldest just had a baby a year ago. My sister is pretty much raising him herself and making it too easy on my niece.
So my other niece sees how the baby is not stopping her cousin from living, so she thinks it will be a breeze. The different is that my niece that had the baby has a step-father who loves her dearly and is an elder at our church. This one's step-father doesn't even like her. If she brings a baby in that house, I feel for her and the baby.
3 people like this
@laurika (4532)
• United States
26 Nov 07
I don't know why you feel like he is taking advatnage of her. Do you know the man? Did you ever talk to him, or are you judging him just because the age? Yeah, you could be right, that he is only using her, but to me it seems like you never have met this man, so how you could know what he really want from her. But if you still think so and feel liek you should take care of your niece, i would talk to her.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
26 Nov 07
You don't see anything wrong with a 45 year old man asking a 19 year old to have his baby. She is basically still a baby herself. If he really cared about her, he would want to meet her parents, marry her and then discuss a baby. He could get her pregnant and them bail on her.
I am sure he does not want a 45 year old man doing this to his daughter. But you know, what goes around comes back around to you.
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
27 Nov 07
She is a very mature and responsible young lady. But, the abuse and neglect in childhood has caused her to be shy and have very low-self esteem. I believe that if she spent some time in therapy, working on her self, she would not be in a hurry to be pinned up under some man. I just want the best life for her that is possible.
2 people like this
@laurika (4532)
• United States
26 Nov 07
I don't knwo your niece. 19 can be still baby, but 19 can be also responsible woman, i don't know that girl and cannot judge her. And I didn't know the man either, if he want to marry her or not. But I guess if she is not enough responsible for herself, than why not to visit the man and talk to him?
3 people like this
@Margajoe (4709)
• Germany
24 Nov 07
WoW!!!
That is a difficult question.
It also has to do with the child.
I would surely try to get it out of her head (of having a baby). Talk to her , maybe write down the advantages and the disadvantages. Maybe she will see it differently.
How long does she now this man?
Maybe I would invite him over for super.
Ask her if she wants to bring him over so you can meet him.
This is very sad, she still has a whole life infront of her.
She is giving herself to a father figure.
Instead of living her own life, she is letting him control her life.
Sounds to me like he has been buying his way into her life.
But on the other hand, maybe they really are in love?
Still, I would like to meet him and see for myself.
Hopefully she won´t get pregnant.
If she has not had the love and attention she needed growing up, she will have a hard time giving this to her baby.
Well, I hope everything works out for the best.
Good luck, take care.
2 people like this
@Margajoe (4709)
• Germany
25 Nov 07
Hum, that is not right.
Why would she not want to take him home?
Has he got something to hide?
If they really are in love, they would want the world to
know, regardless of how others will react.
Maybe you can ask your sister if you both could go to his house. Not making a cine. Just a friendly visit, because you both would like to know who your niece is being involved with.
There is nothing wrong with that.
Just, whatever happens, when you meet this man, stay friendly. Even if your water boils.
Because if you don´t , your niece will have a new excuse to keep seeing this guy.
Good luck, take care.
1 person likes this
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
24 Nov 07
I have a story of what I can do with a scalpel. I can't put it here, to graphic, but lets say, the boys at the ag college I went to, never teased me again!
That's what I would be doing to him! lol.
No, you can't do anything really. She has to want to leave him. All you can do is support her and accept that she has to make her own mistakes in life in order to learn.
2 people like this
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
24 Nov 07
it involves a 6 week old bull, a cattle cradle to hold him, and removing certain parts of the anatomy to prevent them chasing the cows around. No anaesthetic either! lol.
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
25 Nov 07
Just be there for your neice. I was involved with an older man when I was 19. My parents were against it and always nagging me about it. I was then more determined to make it work. Nothing that they could say would change my mind. I was going to prove them wrong. I could not see that what they were saying was right. Don't push things. If you do, you will just push her further away.
2 people like this
@sigma77 (5383)
• United States
24 Nov 07
This is a tough situation. I think a 19 year old is very vulnerable to being manipulated by a 45 year old. I don't know what you can say. It is possible that this relationship could work out. However, this young woman will have to really mature in a hurry and make many sacrifices for this relationship to prosper. Throw in a few kids and that will add even more difficulties to the mix, other than the huge age differential. You will go nuts if you let yourself worry about this situation, of which you have no control.
2 people like this
@anniepa (27955)
• United States
24 Nov 07
Rozie, I sure feel for you and your niece! I wish I knew what to tell you but I know from experience that girls that age can be quite headstrong and if they think they care about someone it's impossible to change their minds. As you said her cousin has a baby that's being raised pretty much by her mother so your niece really has no idea what responsibilities come with having a child. It's so easy for an older man like this to prey on an innocent young girl. Of course she's impressed by the things he's given her and I'm sure she's impressed by what she sees as his "wisdom" and maturity. I guess all you can really do is be there for her if she needs you and offer what advice you can and hope some of it sinks in. I'll be praying for both of you, you can count on that! Hugs to you both!
Annie
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
24 Nov 07
Thank you so much Annie. It is so hard and draining when these things are going on with the ones I love and there is nothing I can do for them. But, God can do anything, but fail. I have to trust him to work this all out in due time. Thanks for your prayers.
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2288)
• Philippines
24 Nov 07
hello rozie c",)
I wish there is something i can do to help ease the pain that you and your sister are going through right now. I do have a friend who asked for advice about his too-old-for-her boyfriend and i couldn't make her get out from him. It is really difficult to convince someone who has already decided to do what they wanted and who has closed head for any opinion specially that she is still so young. I just hope and pray that your neice will be enlightened with her decision. It is so rude for that older guy to do that to her... I can only pray for you and your family to get through this... Hugz to you rozie, you've been a very responsible aunt... God bless you and don't worry God will listen. c",)
