Boyfriend advice needed...

@lyndaj70 (293)
United States
November 24, 2007 10:26pm CST
My boyfriend and I have been friends for 8 years now... for five of those he has been talking about marriage, so I have patiently waited for this. We never see each other, though we talk on the phone a lot. When someone calls me or comes over he gets jealous and short-tempered, yet he rarely comes over himself and when he does it's just for a couple of minutes and then he has to go get stuff done. I know he's not cheating, but I feel alone and neglected. I have tried and tried to discuss this with him and always he manages to distract me and switch the subject. I don't want to be mean, but I'm tired of being alone, and tired of listening to him tell me he's only working so hard so that "we" can have a life together. If he's so interested in us having a life together, why doesn't he want to spend ANY time with me? Am I that horrible? And when I go to his house (only once or twice a year) it's "by the way, can you fix my computer since your here?" No romantic walks, barely a hug and a peck of a kiss. And now when I was under the impression that we were to be getting officially engaged very shortly and married this spring he makes a comment like "we need to get married sometime before the end of next year cause I need the tax deductions..." I don't get it... He's my best friend... but I feel like the other woman to everyone -- his mother, his roommate, his job, his dogs.... Am I just being selfish?
3 people like this
8 responses
• United States
25 Nov 07
You know what - he may really be working hard to save up so you can have a wedding where everyone you want to invite can come, or so that you can have a place to live together. Sometimes a guy feels that by providing he is showing love/or he can take care of you. And for some guys, getting the ring and the perfect little house for their honey is how they show affection. And about going over to his house - some roommates have rules with eachother of no guests. I had a roommate and I hated that her boyfriend just walked in anytime like he lived there and they had the tv blaring as we worked opposite shifts. You don't mention if you live a distance from eachother where its tough to pop over. If I were you, I would allow yourself to accept invitations from friends to go to events and parties. Enjoy life. If he has always been this way, then it takes two to tango because you have put up with this for 8 years and this behavior comes at no surprise. You can't change people. Friendship is important in a marriage - its critical. But you are not like a "friend" who he can pick up where he left off with. I don't advocate playing games, but sometime when he calls say you are busy at the moment, but would love to talk over dinner. Men do more for if they are going to do more for a woman who is selective and is confident, cultivates her other interests, and decides to "choose him" versus a woman who waits by the phone for him to call because he has you and doesn't have to work at it. There could be some changes once you live together when you are married because you will be in the same house. sometimes people have to work to be together thats for sure. But don't expect to marry him to "change him" because he won;t. Let him work a little bit.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 07
btw, you are more valuable than a tax deduction unless that is all you see yourself as.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 07
btw, you are way more valubale than a tax deduction unless that is all you see yourself as - and if he is your best friend he certainly isn't regarding your feelings.
1 person likes this
@lyndaj70 (293)
• United States
25 Nov 07
Thank you so much for your insight! This is what I get from him -- that he IS working so hard to provide a home for us, but I hear from so many others that I need to dump him and look for someone else, and I'm just torn! I do love him, but I don't like the fact that I moved several hours away just to be closer to him (we live maybe 15 minutes from each other), and we actually see each other less! I cannot locate child care here, and discussed moving to a larger town where I could find better employment, or to simply increase my self-employment income, and he is resistant to any move other than closer to his place.. He drives really close to my home whenever he travels to work or home, and with that still never comes by. How can I make him understand that I am lonely and at my limit without actually breaking up with him? We have years of friendship together. I don't want to lose it, but I am tired of trying to discuss this and it being ignored.. Thank you again for your comments...
1 person likes this
@paulsy (1264)
• Philippines
25 Nov 07
No, you're not being selfish. That's a normal human feeling. I know that as a woman, we would usually want or yearn for our loved one to give us that undivided attention. However, it seems, no matter how much we want it, some boys, some men are just insensitive. Oh yes, they love us, they do. And they are faithful to us. But they may be not that mushy type. My s/o is a workaholic. Sometimes, he does tend to neglect me especially when he has a deadline to meet, but it doesn't hurt me so much because I know he loves me. I think the best thing for you to get that attention is to make the first move... then you distract him from his concentration, even for just a few minutes. Don't wait for him to be the first one to be sweet to you... go ahead and make the first moves. I always do that, and whenever my s/o realizes that he's neglecting me, he says sorry and showers me with love even just for a moment. And that for me is always enough to know that hey, he loves me! I think your boyfriend is simply already comfortable with you.... it makes me think that he already treats you like a wife... the wife is the best friend who understands her man the most. Don't be sad. Be happy he's faithful to you. If you want something, don't just wait and expect it to come to you... do something to get it. I mean, if you want to feel that love and attention, give it to him, and that will make him give it back to you... I wish you the best!
1 person likes this
@lyndaj70 (293)
• United States
26 Nov 07
Maybe I'll get the opportunity to try that sometime.. Thanks for posting...
@academic2 (7010)
• Uganda
25 Nov 07
A relatonship of 8 years cannot be made to beg for marriage-I admire your commitment to each other, I like the idea that this guy doesnt cheat on you, but meeting him once or twice a year is very disturbing, especially when such a meeting passes without any serious romantic engagement. It worries me just as it is beginning to worry you. You cannot keep waiting for an official engagement for ages-you need to face your boy friend with a fixed agenda on this subject-take him on and let him tell you in your terms, whether or not this is a mere game! In my culture, they say years are like water that flows from east to west-when water flows to the west, it never returns to the east, when 2007 ends, it wont rewind-it is gone, and each year that passes leaves a toll on your looks. You are not the same lynda70 of 8 years ago, and matters of marriage always take into consideration the dynamics of age and looks. My heart would completely break for you if this man you love so much is going keep making excuses for another 5 years and then later he tells you, he is not going to marry you after all!! I dont mean this is what he is trying to do, but you should not rule this altogether. Have a frank talk with this guy and make a big personal decision, it could help you stop wasting your fabulous life on unachieveable dreams.
1 person likes this
@lyndaj70 (293)
• United States
26 Nov 07
Such wise words, my friend.... I miss what we used to have, and I hold on in hopes that we will have that again, but as time goes on I feel like I am being misled... I am seriously thinking of just saying , "hey, I know it is a big thing, entering a life with a woman and kid, and if you're not ready that's okay, no harm no foul we can just go back to being friends and if you ever decide you're ready we can discuss it then.." But I say it to myself and it sounds like a cop-out...
@Estina54 (389)
• United States
25 Nov 07
When we decide to marry somebody we need to think and wonder if we are going to have a good future with him. If you don't think you'll be happy with somebody, changing your mind is always an option.
@lyndaj70 (293)
• United States
26 Nov 07
This is very true.... I fell in love with a man who made me feel really special, but now only makes me feel lonely. This is why I am having doubts... Thank you for posting..
@2btrueinu (703)
• Philippines
25 Nov 07
I understand what you feel and I felt sad for you maybe you just missed him alot. Try to open what you feel in your situation with him maybe he thinks that the setup you have were just alright with you. Try to talk to him seriously if he did not understand what you feel better to thinks of it very very carefull coz something wrong and you better find it out. I know if you love somebody you have to spend a lot of time with him/her.
@lyndaj70 (293)
• United States
25 Nov 07
I have tried to discuss this... Have stated that I am not satisfied emotionally and would really like to work out a compromise... Generally I hear how hard he has to work and how everyone is pulling at him, and how hard he is working to make a life for us and then I feel sorry for him and let it drop but nothing gets solved other than he says he needs to spend more time with us (but he never does)... I am literally at wit's end with this!
1 person likes this
• Costa Rica
25 Nov 07
No your not being selfish at al, naturally a girl would feel that way if her boyfriend was acting like that. But you should really make him sit down and talk over things with you.
1 person likes this
@angelface23 (2498)
• United States
25 Nov 07
you are not being selfish at all. He is. He is taking you for granted and not respecting you at all. This is not a relationship. I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Maybe that will make him see that he needs to change.
@chamberd1 (240)
• United States
25 Nov 07
I like to be around my best freinds.
1 person likes this